stressed
So, I may be getting fired from my job, bc I'm about to be a smartass to my bitch manager tommorow. I've worked there for two years, I go in and work my ass of 6 days a week, every single week. I don't call in, I never complain, I stay after almost everyday. I don't deserve to be treated like shit by someone, just bc their a manager and have gotten away with treating everyone like shit all the time. So, tomorrow I'm gonna be the biggest smartass bitch ever. I'm not signing the bullshit write up she gave me just bc she is pissed at me. I've never had a write-up in my entire life and I'm not gonna start now. She can write me up for not signing the write up and I won't sign that one either. Lol, I don't give a fuck... If I get fired for it, its totally worth it. Nobody deserves to be treated like that and I only put up with so much. I will find a job where I'm actually appreciated for my above and beyond efforts and they can have fun trying to find someone half as hard working for as little pay as I got to replace me. Fuck you job! I'm actually really surprised my gm hasn't fuckin gotten rid of the bitch. She's not worth the trouble she causes. I happen to think highly of my boss and I know she knows what's going on and I expect that she does. But, why the hell she keeps someone on her management team that brings down the crew and other management I will never understand. I swear fast food is the biggest fuckin bullshit joke of a job ever. Overworked, under payed, shit on by everyone, expected to pull rainbows out of ure ass while multitasking 20 other jobs simultaneously. Lol, seriously... I can't wait to get out of this field. But, I'm workin on doing something about it. I figure you can pull away at least one positive and one negative from every situation. If I don't get fired, I have job security and won't have to worry abt not being able to pay bills. If I do get fired, maybe this is my opportunity to find something better to do with my life.
Anyway, I'm talking to allan mothafuckin wallman now. Txting in between writing on here. He's with my old heroin dealer chris, who is apparently still trying to date me. But, I realized awhile ago I am meant to be alone. So, I just told him no.... Its just not my thing, I've been in love twice. Got fucked over both times. End of story, I'm done with that shit. I have no interest at all in being lied to, cheated on, and tied down. I don't believe there's anyone out there for me. But, never say never... I just know if I ever did, it would be many years down the road.
Speaking of heroin, I'm an asshole. So, lynz said she would never do heroin and I was always like heroins the shit, its so awesome, ect... So, lynz tried heroin. Now she's doing it quite a bit and its obviously affecting her negatively. So, I'm a dick head and now I regret I ever said that, but I didn't think shed get hooked on it. She says she's not, but its obvious. I think she knows she's lieing to herself. I don't think she realizes how dangerous that shit can be. I watched chris o.d. And he's been on the shit for years. It can happen to anyone. Heroin was like my fave drug, but I didn't do it all the time and I never allowed it to start taking control of my life. She's calling into work and getting sent home for throwing up, that's just bad. Plus, after awhile its all you wanna do and u stop caring and then you fuck up ure friendships and shit bc u choose the drug over them and it just gets worse from there. But, that's why I moderate my use. If I feel like I'm gonna start losing control I will just stop. But, this is pretty much all my fault and I don't know what to do. I'm gonna wake up one day and she's gonna be dead, just like jed. Which I consider to be my fault too. I use to sell leon and him so much morphine. Like 100, 100mg pills every month. You can make so much money off of em, you can actually afford to constantly be fucked up all the time. Then, I quit sellin and jed started on heroin... A few years later. Dead, heroin overdose. I can't believe I did it again... I really didn't realize what I was doing back then. I was so young, at the time you think ure old when ure 13, but I didn't think shit like that thru. No 13 year old selling drugs to ppl significantly older than them, thinking "wow, I'm responsible for the many consequences this could cause and it could affect me, the person I'm selling too, and everyone I or they know in a negative way bc drugs have the power to destroy and steal lives". No, 13 year olds that deal are thinkin "damn this shits awesome, I'm fucked up and all these older ppl like me and I have money to get more fucked up and buy shit." Now that I'm 20 and I no longer deal shit like that I apparently can still fuck up lives. Really, I sometimes forget how much something I say can weigh so much on ppls decisions. So, I have to figure out how to handle this, since its now my responsibility. Fuck, I am such a fuckin dumbass ashole sometimes!
On a different note, I'm not doing well religiously. My relationship with god has plummeted very far down. I'm extremely distracted by things that aren't as important. I feel bad about it, but at the same time I'm so selfish I must not feel that bad or I'd do sum abt it. I kno what I should be doing, but I don't care enough. How do I fix that sort of apathetic attitude? Well I suppose I could force myself to pray on it, but something just dosent feel right about praying these days.
I'm trying to be a better example for my cousin and sisters though. I've been spending some time with them and I'm trying to show them that there are other things to do with their time then drugs and drinking that are just as if not more fun. I've been trying to prepare them for life, help with school, problems, jobs. On top of educating them on the facts of life. Although between my jobs, I don't really have as much time to spend with them.
My dad got a new job... My fam might move to texas or chicago sometime fairly soon. I'm gonna stay here and live in my car. I don't have money for a place, so I'm gonna do what I can to support myself. I'm not worried though, I have more than I had before. At least if I have nowhere to go I can sleep in my car instead of under the bridge or in a parking lot. Lol... I've been studying though, I want to get a good job n a house eventually. But, I gotta sleep, wake up super early. Only have a few hrs before work.
Anyway, I'm talking to allan mothafuckin wallman now. Txting in between writing on here. He's with my old heroin dealer chris, who is apparently still trying to date me. But, I realized awhile ago I am meant to be alone. So, I just told him no.... Its just not my thing, I've been in love twice. Got fucked over both times. End of story, I'm done with that shit. I have no interest at all in being lied to, cheated on, and tied down. I don't believe there's anyone out there for me. But, never say never... I just know if I ever did, it would be many years down the road.
Speaking of heroin, I'm an asshole. So, lynz said she would never do heroin and I was always like heroins the shit, its so awesome, ect... So, lynz tried heroin. Now she's doing it quite a bit and its obviously affecting her negatively. So, I'm a dick head and now I regret I ever said that, but I didn't think shed get hooked on it. She says she's not, but its obvious. I think she knows she's lieing to herself. I don't think she realizes how dangerous that shit can be. I watched chris o.d. And he's been on the shit for years. It can happen to anyone. Heroin was like my fave drug, but I didn't do it all the time and I never allowed it to start taking control of my life. She's calling into work and getting sent home for throwing up, that's just bad. Plus, after awhile its all you wanna do and u stop caring and then you fuck up ure friendships and shit bc u choose the drug over them and it just gets worse from there. But, that's why I moderate my use. If I feel like I'm gonna start losing control I will just stop. But, this is pretty much all my fault and I don't know what to do. I'm gonna wake up one day and she's gonna be dead, just like jed. Which I consider to be my fault too. I use to sell leon and him so much morphine. Like 100, 100mg pills every month. You can make so much money off of em, you can actually afford to constantly be fucked up all the time. Then, I quit sellin and jed started on heroin... A few years later. Dead, heroin overdose. I can't believe I did it again... I really didn't realize what I was doing back then. I was so young, at the time you think ure old when ure 13, but I didn't think shit like that thru. No 13 year old selling drugs to ppl significantly older than them, thinking "wow, I'm responsible for the many consequences this could cause and it could affect me, the person I'm selling too, and everyone I or they know in a negative way bc drugs have the power to destroy and steal lives". No, 13 year olds that deal are thinkin "damn this shits awesome, I'm fucked up and all these older ppl like me and I have money to get more fucked up and buy shit." Now that I'm 20 and I no longer deal shit like that I apparently can still fuck up lives. Really, I sometimes forget how much something I say can weigh so much on ppls decisions. So, I have to figure out how to handle this, since its now my responsibility. Fuck, I am such a fuckin dumbass ashole sometimes!
On a different note, I'm not doing well religiously. My relationship with god has plummeted very far down. I'm extremely distracted by things that aren't as important. I feel bad about it, but at the same time I'm so selfish I must not feel that bad or I'd do sum abt it. I kno what I should be doing, but I don't care enough. How do I fix that sort of apathetic attitude? Well I suppose I could force myself to pray on it, but something just dosent feel right about praying these days.
I'm trying to be a better example for my cousin and sisters though. I've been spending some time with them and I'm trying to show them that there are other things to do with their time then drugs and drinking that are just as if not more fun. I've been trying to prepare them for life, help with school, problems, jobs. On top of educating them on the facts of life. Although between my jobs, I don't really have as much time to spend with them.
My dad got a new job... My fam might move to texas or chicago sometime fairly soon. I'm gonna stay here and live in my car. I don't have money for a place, so I'm gonna do what I can to support myself. I'm not worried though, I have more than I had before. At least if I have nowhere to go I can sleep in my car instead of under the bridge or in a parking lot. Lol... I've been studying though, I want to get a good job n a house eventually. But, I gotta sleep, wake up super early. Only have a few hrs before work.