Requirements for becoming a vampire.
For ages, people have feared vampires, the unholy blood-sucking children of the night. However, they're quite misunderstood. There are many things about vampires that the casual observer probably never realized. But how does one become a vampire? People have mistakenly thought for many years that vampirism is caused by a curse or a bite. Niether of these are true. In reality, becoming a vampire involves a strict set of behaviors to follow. They are as follows:
1. Hate your parents. Do you live in a cozy three story house with parents who care enough about you to not let you sneak out and get pregnant/raped/addicted to meth? Do they give you an allowance? Do they drop you off at Hot Topic? Do they pay for your internet access and cell phone? THOSE BASTARDS. Real vampires know that parents are shit heads. Hating your parents is cool, and one step closer to being a vampire.
2. Wear black. Forget the stylized aristocratic outfits of vampires illustrated in classic books and movies. All the real vampires wear XXL SLIPKNOT t-shirts and never wash thier hair. Speaking of music and hygiene...
3. Listen to really, really, really, really, really, really shitty "NU-METAL" and goth dance music. Cuz, dude, you know that Vlad the Impaler LOVED Staind and Mudvayne. Seriously. He even got a tattoo of the band's logo.
4. Wear white facial make-up that makes you break out. Who cares about zits? The white cream you ruin your face with everyday only covers them up. Nothing is scarier than a mouth full of plastic fangs surrounded by a pimple-laden face.
5. Get fat. You know all those movies where the vampires take off thier shirts and they're all ripped and buff and muscular? Well you REAL vampires out there know that real-life vampires just aren't like that. They've spent way too many hours sifting through arcane web sites or marathons of Anime on Cartoon Network to put thier dark vampiric bodies through any sort of physical labor.
6. Watch Anime. A lot. Dude, everyone knows that japanese cartoons and vampirism go hand in hand. Transylvania is the anime capital of the world. It's kind of close to Japan, isn't it.....? When the vampires I see walking around aren't wearing XXL Slipknot t-shirts, they're wearing XXL INUYASHA t-shirts.
7. Smoke. Dracula smoked 7 packs a day. Camel Reds. Why shouldn't you?
8. Pick a really dark, depressing, stupid screen name. Something like "SoulAtDusk." Except less awesome. Vampires RULE the night... and AIM sessions.
9. Replace a vowel in your name with a "Y" or add a silent "H" or something in there somewhere. A conservative name like "Megan" can easily be imbued with the dark power of vampirism simply by modifying a few letters and making it "MHEGYAN." Try it with your own name. Feel the awesome power rush over your dark heart as you start writing your name on your homework with a few extra pointless letters.
10. Defy the style and clothing establishements of stores like American Eagle, Hollister, or Abercrombie and Fitch by displaying your own individual unholy style of the NIGHT. Refuse to step foot in any of the stores mentioned above. Verbally provoke those who wear these brands of clothing. If you face resistance against your rebellion, you and all your other friends wearing the exact same black outfit as you should meet inside of Hot Topic to discuss your next maneuver in the war against individualism. You're not buying into anyone else's predetermined sense of style, right? Right.....? I mean, you came up with that baggy black outfit on your own, didn't you? Oh, wait, you didn't? Sorry, my mistake, Jhimmyy.
1. Hate your parents. Do you live in a cozy three story house with parents who care enough about you to not let you sneak out and get pregnant/raped/addicted to meth? Do they give you an allowance? Do they drop you off at Hot Topic? Do they pay for your internet access and cell phone? THOSE BASTARDS. Real vampires know that parents are shit heads. Hating your parents is cool, and one step closer to being a vampire.
2. Wear black. Forget the stylized aristocratic outfits of vampires illustrated in classic books and movies. All the real vampires wear XXL SLIPKNOT t-shirts and never wash thier hair. Speaking of music and hygiene...
3. Listen to really, really, really, really, really, really shitty "NU-METAL" and goth dance music. Cuz, dude, you know that Vlad the Impaler LOVED Staind and Mudvayne. Seriously. He even got a tattoo of the band's logo.
4. Wear white facial make-up that makes you break out. Who cares about zits? The white cream you ruin your face with everyday only covers them up. Nothing is scarier than a mouth full of plastic fangs surrounded by a pimple-laden face.
5. Get fat. You know all those movies where the vampires take off thier shirts and they're all ripped and buff and muscular? Well you REAL vampires out there know that real-life vampires just aren't like that. They've spent way too many hours sifting through arcane web sites or marathons of Anime on Cartoon Network to put thier dark vampiric bodies through any sort of physical labor.
6. Watch Anime. A lot. Dude, everyone knows that japanese cartoons and vampirism go hand in hand. Transylvania is the anime capital of the world. It's kind of close to Japan, isn't it.....? When the vampires I see walking around aren't wearing XXL Slipknot t-shirts, they're wearing XXL INUYASHA t-shirts.
7. Smoke. Dracula smoked 7 packs a day. Camel Reds. Why shouldn't you?
8. Pick a really dark, depressing, stupid screen name. Something like "SoulAtDusk." Except less awesome. Vampires RULE the night... and AIM sessions.
9. Replace a vowel in your name with a "Y" or add a silent "H" or something in there somewhere. A conservative name like "Megan" can easily be imbued with the dark power of vampirism simply by modifying a few letters and making it "MHEGYAN." Try it with your own name. Feel the awesome power rush over your dark heart as you start writing your name on your homework with a few extra pointless letters.
10. Defy the style and clothing establishements of stores like American Eagle, Hollister, or Abercrombie and Fitch by displaying your own individual unholy style of the NIGHT. Refuse to step foot in any of the stores mentioned above. Verbally provoke those who wear these brands of clothing. If you face resistance against your rebellion, you and all your other friends wearing the exact same black outfit as you should meet inside of Hot Topic to discuss your next maneuver in the war against individualism. You're not buying into anyone else's predetermined sense of style, right? Right.....? I mean, you came up with that baggy black outfit on your own, didn't you? Oh, wait, you didn't? Sorry, my mistake, Jhimmyy.