Ninja-catching guide
Since someone asked how to find a group of Ninjas, I felt compelled to explain exactly how people meet Ninja in order to take part in our wild, sexy-awesome parties of green tea, incense and meditation(The ladies all say I'm a demon in the Chamber of Ultimate Serenty and Enlightenment. It's true. I transform into an Oni and destroy their minds)
Anyway... To meet a group of Ninjas, you must capture a Ninja and tell him to take you to clan HQ. I will provide you with a handy, step-by-step guide to catching a Ninja:
Squidly's Three Step Guide to Squidcatching(The Maximilian translation and Critical Edition, courtesy of the University of Ninjology)
A guide composed by A GIANT SQUID WITH INK ALL OVER HIS TENTACLES. OH FUCK THAT STAINS.
Step 1: Finding the Area
There's no exact, universally accepted way to catch a Ninja. The most common manner known is called the "Mister Gideon method"(1). For this method you will need about $200(2), some matches, and an area where you can burn things. The idea behind this method is checking into a hotel and telling the front desk that you don't have a bible in your room. Since the Gideons employ Ninja for the distribution of bibles, the will most definitely at least check, because if anyone so much as thinks they fucked up the job, they will have dishonor(3) brought to their family So, threatened by the prospect of never getting laid again in their life, the ninja will most certainly be on the scene. When going to a hotel, you must be certain it's one in Gideon Turf. The only way to really make sure is if someone tells you a bible was there courtesy of the Gideons. You should also make sure it's either a cheap hotel, or one with totally awesome room service so you can chow down on hamburgers and ice cream(4) while you wait. Once you've picked your hotel, you're ready for the next step.
Step 2: Setting the Trap
Once you've got the hotel, you need to make sure that you'll catch the Ninja. For this, you need to set up a special trap. The traps that work are usually the Ninja Snare(5) or the Falling Anti Ninja Glass Dome(6) If neither of these work, a taser(7) should be kept. See the Notes(8) for more information. In order to use one of these traps, you must first know where the Ninja will be. What you must do is find out the exact point the bible was before, and make sure it has not been moved beforehand. Ninjas always have a specific place they put the books based on the hotel. So first find this area, and take the bible from it, marking it with an "X" in white chalk(9) and then putting the bible in a safe place to burn it. This is important, because otherwise the ninja will sense the bible is already there. Set up the trap as necessary and proceed to step 3.
Step 3: The Big Catch
Once you have the trap set up, you must wait until daytime, because Ninja need a few hours to get ready once they hear they're needed. Do you expect them to rush in the same night? What are you, an idiot? At precisely 12:45 PM, you should call the front desk and tell them you are missing a bible. It is suggested that you do not simply say this, or else it will arouse suspicion in the Ninja tapping the phoneline(10) so it is suggested that you bring it up among other complaints, such as "OH, yeah. I mean, the bellhop is sexy, but he's totally lame at his job. Also, the rooms are filthy and they DON'T HAVE A BIBLE THAT WAS PLACED BY THE GIDEONS. OH GOD I NEED A BIBLE THAT WAS PLACED BY THE GIDEONS and my room service took like, three hours." Then you should place another book(11) on the area where the white chalk x is, and make sure it doesn't look like a bible. Then wait for nightfall and watch. by around 6 PM, the Ninja will try to remove the book from its place, so it can put a bible there. Don't watch the door or the window. Watch the book. You won't see the Ninja coming in, or at all, so don't try. You will only see the book you have suddenly turning into a bible. In the split second this takes, activate your trap. At this point, the ninja will appear in it. Make sure its uniform is not green, or else it might just be a leprechaun(12) Otherwise, you have your Ninja. Immediately bind its hands and feet(13) so it will not perform Seppuku(14) once it realizes it is being captured. After this, you need to wait five seconds and say the following ancient incantation: "Hey man... This place sucks. Mind if I go chill at your crib?" at this point, you must be utterly silent, and the ninja will respond "Sure. We're having a totally awesome party tonight. Let's go. Just don't act like a total fucking loser(15) okay?"
Notes
1 - The "Mister Gideon" Method was invented by Eric Draven in 1994. His original method consisted of beating up a store clerk instead of checking into a hotel, and burning the store to the ground instead of burning a bible. It didn't work out as well. The method was then improved by "a bunch of College students with nothing better to do"(Old man on my porch screaming, 5:17am) who never explained where their inspiration came from, but they were "Quoted as saying 'I'm doin' it for Bill, man! GOD REST HIS SOUL! I MEA-' Ew! Get away from me, you dirty old man! Gross! Max, why did you make me come here? Why do I always have to be here on your stupid trips? Why are you writing everything I say down? God, I hate you. You knoiw what? FUCK YOU! We're over! Bobby always had a bigger cock than you, anyway!"(My Stupid Bitchy Ex Girlfriend who Doesn't Understand Artistic Talent or that size doesn't matter because Bobby is an asshole anyway, and he owes me 5:26 bucks) The method has since been used frequently by me, and a guy who bet me a dollar it wouldn't work who never called me back.
2 - $200 is a magical artifact that every man is said to have deep within an area of his soul known as "Bank Account" and yet no man beyond a race of godly enlightened ones known as "Spoiled Brats" have managed to release the full potential of. Once it has been liberated, every person on the street will wish to steal it from you. There are many creatures who will attempt to find those who have this artifact, simply to tempt them into giving it away. On one account, I myself encountered one of these beings. As I walked down the street, she approached me and began to chant "Hey, sailor... Lookin' for a date? Oh yeah... Two hundred's my rate, honey. Hey! Don't you walk away from me! What? You think I'm not good enough? Oh, I get it. You're gay, right? I know a guy who can set you up... Hey! Come back here! YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU! I BET YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING HAVE A PAIR, DO YOU!? IF I SEE YOU AGAIN MY PIMP'LL KICK YOUR ASS, YOU DICKLESS SON OF A BITCH."(Stupid slut on Queen Street who tried to gouge me even though I found a girl a little further down the street who probably didn't have herpes and only charged 1:35)
3 - Dishonor is worse than death, because when you're a ninja, being dishonored is like being that fat ugly kid who's always talking about sea turtles at school. It passes on to seven generations, but that doesn't usually matter because dishonored Ninjas can't get laid. One Ninja told me of this horrid experience, claiming "It was like my world was torn asunder. My land was revoked, my sweet ninja powers were taken away, and I could no longer command the creatures of the four elements. Hey, speaking of the four elements, did you know the Green Sea turtle is the largest Sea turtle? It grows to four feet long and can - WAIT! DON'T GO! I'm so lonely..."(Stupid dishonored scum who doesn't even know the largest sea turtle is the Leatherback and can grow to around 8:11 feet long)
4 - My favorite iced cream is Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey. My mom says Cherry Garcia is better, but she's wrong. She's never even been to a Grateful Dead Concert. She's like, so not hip, man. I eat my iced cream on my hamburgers. People will tell you that's weird, but it's actually delicious. If you don't like it, you suck. Don't judge me. God, I hate you.
5 - The Ninja Snare was invented thousands of years ago in Southern Africa by a group of Indians who wore headdresses and smoked peace pipe and lived in Africa and never heard of Ancient Egypt so shut up. It was invented by the great inventor, Dances with Hot Sexy Mamas. This was required due to the ninja attacks being made by the enemy tribe, so Chief Speaks With Broken Sentence Structure "Tell Big smartpants inventor who think he so smart even though he don't wear pants make big mean thing that catch Ninja so we kill tribe. Big inventor Dances With Hot Sexy Mamas say he busy, but I tell him shut up and get to my teepee because need big bad invention, but Big Inventor say he already using a big bad invention, so I walk in and see Big Inventor with Chief Speaks With Broken English wife and making the sex, so I throw a spear through him and invention never made"(Big Chief Dumbass Who Killed the Guy Who made the Ninja Snare so Now We Can't Catch Ninjas for another 11:000 Years)
6 - The Falling Anti Ninja Glass Dome was made by the C.I.A. in the early 80's. Based off of the Cone of Silence, its intention was to stop Ninja Raids on the President's Thursday breakfast, which was pancakes with maple Syrup. Unfortunately, it kept doing things like falling on the president, teleporting the pancakes to Osaka, and turning C.I.A. Agents into Inspector Gadget.
7 - Tasers, by law of the Universal TV Theory of Plot-Demandsit, will always knock someone out provided you have no intention of killing them once they are stunned. Since you need this Ninja, it will invariably work. However, since real life and television are slightly different(Since every goddamned woman I save in the streets from a rapist turns out to be a girl who's into being submissive and thought having sex with her boyfriend at midnight in public was a turn on and I get slapped and yelled at, and they never even TRY to suggest a threesome) there's a chance the Ninja will just knock it out of your hand and cut your head off. But hey, won't kill you to try, will it?
8 - The Notes are an almanac of totally awesome and superior knowledge that "Is like, so cool. It's awesome, and everything in it is true. I mean, I looked it all up in an encyclopedia and it was all even more true than what the experts said. There, I said it. Now can I have my money?"(My friend George who doesn't know when to stop being quoted so I only gave him 2:50)
9 - You should always have white chalk on you at all times. White chalk is incredibly useful in you are catching ninjas, marking dead bodies, or playing hopscotch. Hopscotch is a totally badass game, and it doesn't matter if the kids say I'm stupid and my psychiatrist says I'm emotionally arrested. I hate them all. They're all going to pay.
10 - Ninja are known to tap phonelines at all times in all places. Like once, I was having this really hot phone sex session, and a Ninja interrupted going "Ohhh, you like that, huh? Oh, yeah... Huh? Wait! No! Don't hang up! Oh, come on! Oh well, I know you'll be back. It's not like you can have sex face to face with her. That's right, I've seen you. Hee hee hee." (Stupid ninja who doesn't realize it wasn't my girlfriend I was having sex with anyway so I don't need to see that woman ever again and Oh Shit She's Reading over my shoulder and I am now single as of 9:08)
10.2 - Ninja don't tap phonelines at all, and this post is a lie. Ninja are also not known to edit LJ posts using their skillz. The NSA is the only company that does things like that.
10.3 - I HEREBY DECLARE THAT I AM THE PROPRIETOR OF THIS POST AND/OR PARTIES INVOLVED IN THIS MEDIUM USED FOR COMMUNICATION, AND DO WITHDRAW ANY CLAIM OF THE EXISTENCE OF A FICTITIOUS ORGANIZATION KNOWN AS THE NATIONAL SECURITY ASSOCIATION(NSA) THAT DOES NOT EXIST AND NEVER HAS.
10.4 - Fuck you, man. Fuck you. You think you can come into MY post and edit it? Well BRING IT.
10.5 - YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE AMERICA? WE ARE AMERICA, FUCKO.
10.6 - So what? I'm Canadian. You've got no jurisdiction!
10.7 - YOU THINK BEING IN CANADA WILL STOP US? HAW HAW HAW. WHO'S GOING TO SAVE YOU? PAUL MARTIN? WILL JEAN CHRETIEN FIND US AND STRANGLE US?
10.8 - Damn right. Me and Chretien are totally tight. I mean we're... Oh, no! Dammit! I NEED MORE TIME.
10.9 - I hereby declare that anything said in notes 10.1-10.8 are falsehoods and never happened. Ever. I also verify that I am not being threatened in any way.
11 - Books are old inventions that are said to once have been used for pleasure by humans. It was also used to obtain other things called "Intelligence" "Information" and "Knowledge." The meaning of these three things is still yet to be deciphered.
12 - Leprechauns are horrid beings that have a habit of wandering into traps set up for other creatures, and then claim they'll give you a pot of gold. Instead of delicious chocolate, however, they'll just give you a lot of ugly yellowish metal. Assholes.
13 - Hands are amazing instruments which I use all the time, typing with either one or two hands. When typing with one hand, I can perform many magical, wonderous feats. Feet are horrid devices that are supposedly used for something called "Walking" which involves doing something called "Standing up" and going to a place called "Out of my parents attic" and retrieving something called a "Life."
14 - Seppuku is an action that Dr. Robert Hamburger claims was a ritual suicide used with a firsbee that is shoved down one's throat. Hamburger's knowledge of Ninjas is obviously skewed and misinformed, because everyone knows they used beach balls.
15 - "Total Fucking Loser" is a title given to people who sit at their computers and write guides to catching Ninjas. The only exception to this rule is me, because I'm cool like that.
The following material was reprinted with permission to no one, and is copyright nobody, and if you want to steal it for some reason, you're fucking strange and I never want to have anything to do with you.
Anyway, that's how you get Ninjas. Try it. Impress your friends. Piss off Hotel Clerks! Live the Dream!
Anyway... To meet a group of Ninjas, you must capture a Ninja and tell him to take you to clan HQ. I will provide you with a handy, step-by-step guide to catching a Ninja:
Squidly's Three Step Guide to Squidcatching(The Maximilian translation and Critical Edition, courtesy of the University of Ninjology)
A guide composed by A GIANT SQUID WITH INK ALL OVER HIS TENTACLES. OH FUCK THAT STAINS.
Step 1: Finding the Area
There's no exact, universally accepted way to catch a Ninja. The most common manner known is called the "Mister Gideon method"(1). For this method you will need about $200(2), some matches, and an area where you can burn things. The idea behind this method is checking into a hotel and telling the front desk that you don't have a bible in your room. Since the Gideons employ Ninja for the distribution of bibles, the will most definitely at least check, because if anyone so much as thinks they fucked up the job, they will have dishonor(3) brought to their family So, threatened by the prospect of never getting laid again in their life, the ninja will most certainly be on the scene. When going to a hotel, you must be certain it's one in Gideon Turf. The only way to really make sure is if someone tells you a bible was there courtesy of the Gideons. You should also make sure it's either a cheap hotel, or one with totally awesome room service so you can chow down on hamburgers and ice cream(4) while you wait. Once you've picked your hotel, you're ready for the next step.
Step 2: Setting the Trap
Once you've got the hotel, you need to make sure that you'll catch the Ninja. For this, you need to set up a special trap. The traps that work are usually the Ninja Snare(5) or the Falling Anti Ninja Glass Dome(6) If neither of these work, a taser(7) should be kept. See the Notes(8) for more information. In order to use one of these traps, you must first know where the Ninja will be. What you must do is find out the exact point the bible was before, and make sure it has not been moved beforehand. Ninjas always have a specific place they put the books based on the hotel. So first find this area, and take the bible from it, marking it with an "X" in white chalk(9) and then putting the bible in a safe place to burn it. This is important, because otherwise the ninja will sense the bible is already there. Set up the trap as necessary and proceed to step 3.
Step 3: The Big Catch
Once you have the trap set up, you must wait until daytime, because Ninja need a few hours to get ready once they hear they're needed. Do you expect them to rush in the same night? What are you, an idiot? At precisely 12:45 PM, you should call the front desk and tell them you are missing a bible. It is suggested that you do not simply say this, or else it will arouse suspicion in the Ninja tapping the phoneline(10) so it is suggested that you bring it up among other complaints, such as "OH, yeah. I mean, the bellhop is sexy, but he's totally lame at his job. Also, the rooms are filthy and they DON'T HAVE A BIBLE THAT WAS PLACED BY THE GIDEONS. OH GOD I NEED A BIBLE THAT WAS PLACED BY THE GIDEONS and my room service took like, three hours." Then you should place another book(11) on the area where the white chalk x is, and make sure it doesn't look like a bible. Then wait for nightfall and watch. by around 6 PM, the Ninja will try to remove the book from its place, so it can put a bible there. Don't watch the door or the window. Watch the book. You won't see the Ninja coming in, or at all, so don't try. You will only see the book you have suddenly turning into a bible. In the split second this takes, activate your trap. At this point, the ninja will appear in it. Make sure its uniform is not green, or else it might just be a leprechaun(12) Otherwise, you have your Ninja. Immediately bind its hands and feet(13) so it will not perform Seppuku(14) once it realizes it is being captured. After this, you need to wait five seconds and say the following ancient incantation: "Hey man... This place sucks. Mind if I go chill at your crib?" at this point, you must be utterly silent, and the ninja will respond "Sure. We're having a totally awesome party tonight. Let's go. Just don't act like a total fucking loser(15) okay?"
Notes
1 - The "Mister Gideon" Method was invented by Eric Draven in 1994. His original method consisted of beating up a store clerk instead of checking into a hotel, and burning the store to the ground instead of burning a bible. It didn't work out as well. The method was then improved by "a bunch of College students with nothing better to do"(Old man on my porch screaming, 5:17am) who never explained where their inspiration came from, but they were "Quoted as saying 'I'm doin' it for Bill, man! GOD REST HIS SOUL! I MEA-' Ew! Get away from me, you dirty old man! Gross! Max, why did you make me come here? Why do I always have to be here on your stupid trips? Why are you writing everything I say down? God, I hate you. You knoiw what? FUCK YOU! We're over! Bobby always had a bigger cock than you, anyway!"(My Stupid Bitchy Ex Girlfriend who Doesn't Understand Artistic Talent or that size doesn't matter because Bobby is an asshole anyway, and he owes me 5:26 bucks) The method has since been used frequently by me, and a guy who bet me a dollar it wouldn't work who never called me back.
2 - $200 is a magical artifact that every man is said to have deep within an area of his soul known as "Bank Account" and yet no man beyond a race of godly enlightened ones known as "Spoiled Brats" have managed to release the full potential of. Once it has been liberated, every person on the street will wish to steal it from you. There are many creatures who will attempt to find those who have this artifact, simply to tempt them into giving it away. On one account, I myself encountered one of these beings. As I walked down the street, she approached me and began to chant "Hey, sailor... Lookin' for a date? Oh yeah... Two hundred's my rate, honey. Hey! Don't you walk away from me! What? You think I'm not good enough? Oh, I get it. You're gay, right? I know a guy who can set you up... Hey! Come back here! YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU! I BET YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING HAVE A PAIR, DO YOU!? IF I SEE YOU AGAIN MY PIMP'LL KICK YOUR ASS, YOU DICKLESS SON OF A BITCH."(Stupid slut on Queen Street who tried to gouge me even though I found a girl a little further down the street who probably didn't have herpes and only charged 1:35)
3 - Dishonor is worse than death, because when you're a ninja, being dishonored is like being that fat ugly kid who's always talking about sea turtles at school. It passes on to seven generations, but that doesn't usually matter because dishonored Ninjas can't get laid. One Ninja told me of this horrid experience, claiming "It was like my world was torn asunder. My land was revoked, my sweet ninja powers were taken away, and I could no longer command the creatures of the four elements. Hey, speaking of the four elements, did you know the Green Sea turtle is the largest Sea turtle? It grows to four feet long and can - WAIT! DON'T GO! I'm so lonely..."(Stupid dishonored scum who doesn't even know the largest sea turtle is the Leatherback and can grow to around 8:11 feet long)
4 - My favorite iced cream is Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey. My mom says Cherry Garcia is better, but she's wrong. She's never even been to a Grateful Dead Concert. She's like, so not hip, man. I eat my iced cream on my hamburgers. People will tell you that's weird, but it's actually delicious. If you don't like it, you suck. Don't judge me. God, I hate you.
5 - The Ninja Snare was invented thousands of years ago in Southern Africa by a group of Indians who wore headdresses and smoked peace pipe and lived in Africa and never heard of Ancient Egypt so shut up. It was invented by the great inventor, Dances with Hot Sexy Mamas. This was required due to the ninja attacks being made by the enemy tribe, so Chief Speaks With Broken Sentence Structure "Tell Big smartpants inventor who think he so smart even though he don't wear pants make big mean thing that catch Ninja so we kill tribe. Big inventor Dances With Hot Sexy Mamas say he busy, but I tell him shut up and get to my teepee because need big bad invention, but Big Inventor say he already using a big bad invention, so I walk in and see Big Inventor with Chief Speaks With Broken English wife and making the sex, so I throw a spear through him and invention never made"(Big Chief Dumbass Who Killed the Guy Who made the Ninja Snare so Now We Can't Catch Ninjas for another 11:000 Years)
6 - The Falling Anti Ninja Glass Dome was made by the C.I.A. in the early 80's. Based off of the Cone of Silence, its intention was to stop Ninja Raids on the President's Thursday breakfast, which was pancakes with maple Syrup. Unfortunately, it kept doing things like falling on the president, teleporting the pancakes to Osaka, and turning C.I.A. Agents into Inspector Gadget.
7 - Tasers, by law of the Universal TV Theory of Plot-Demandsit, will always knock someone out provided you have no intention of killing them once they are stunned. Since you need this Ninja, it will invariably work. However, since real life and television are slightly different(Since every goddamned woman I save in the streets from a rapist turns out to be a girl who's into being submissive and thought having sex with her boyfriend at midnight in public was a turn on and I get slapped and yelled at, and they never even TRY to suggest a threesome) there's a chance the Ninja will just knock it out of your hand and cut your head off. But hey, won't kill you to try, will it?
8 - The Notes are an almanac of totally awesome and superior knowledge that "Is like, so cool. It's awesome, and everything in it is true. I mean, I looked it all up in an encyclopedia and it was all even more true than what the experts said. There, I said it. Now can I have my money?"(My friend George who doesn't know when to stop being quoted so I only gave him 2:50)
9 - You should always have white chalk on you at all times. White chalk is incredibly useful in you are catching ninjas, marking dead bodies, or playing hopscotch. Hopscotch is a totally badass game, and it doesn't matter if the kids say I'm stupid and my psychiatrist says I'm emotionally arrested. I hate them all. They're all going to pay.
10 - Ninja are known to tap phonelines at all times in all places. Like once, I was having this really hot phone sex session, and a Ninja interrupted going "Ohhh, you like that, huh? Oh, yeah... Huh? Wait! No! Don't hang up! Oh, come on! Oh well, I know you'll be back. It's not like you can have sex face to face with her. That's right, I've seen you. Hee hee hee." (Stupid ninja who doesn't realize it wasn't my girlfriend I was having sex with anyway so I don't need to see that woman ever again and Oh Shit She's Reading over my shoulder and I am now single as of 9:08)
10.2 - Ninja don't tap phonelines at all, and this post is a lie. Ninja are also not known to edit LJ posts using their skillz. The NSA is the only company that does things like that.
10.3 - I HEREBY DECLARE THAT I AM THE PROPRIETOR OF THIS POST AND/OR PARTIES INVOLVED IN THIS MEDIUM USED FOR COMMUNICATION, AND DO WITHDRAW ANY CLAIM OF THE EXISTENCE OF A FICTITIOUS ORGANIZATION KNOWN AS THE NATIONAL SECURITY ASSOCIATION(NSA) THAT DOES NOT EXIST AND NEVER HAS.
10.4 - Fuck you, man. Fuck you. You think you can come into MY post and edit it? Well BRING IT.
10.5 - YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE AMERICA? WE ARE AMERICA, FUCKO.
10.6 - So what? I'm Canadian. You've got no jurisdiction!
10.7 - YOU THINK BEING IN CANADA WILL STOP US? HAW HAW HAW. WHO'S GOING TO SAVE YOU? PAUL MARTIN? WILL JEAN CHRETIEN FIND US AND STRANGLE US?
10.8 - Damn right. Me and Chretien are totally tight. I mean we're... Oh, no! Dammit! I NEED MORE TIME.
10.9 - I hereby declare that anything said in notes 10.1-10.8 are falsehoods and never happened. Ever. I also verify that I am not being threatened in any way.
11 - Books are old inventions that are said to once have been used for pleasure by humans. It was also used to obtain other things called "Intelligence" "Information" and "Knowledge." The meaning of these three things is still yet to be deciphered.
12 - Leprechauns are horrid beings that have a habit of wandering into traps set up for other creatures, and then claim they'll give you a pot of gold. Instead of delicious chocolate, however, they'll just give you a lot of ugly yellowish metal. Assholes.
13 - Hands are amazing instruments which I use all the time, typing with either one or two hands. When typing with one hand, I can perform many magical, wonderous feats. Feet are horrid devices that are supposedly used for something called "Walking" which involves doing something called "Standing up" and going to a place called "Out of my parents attic" and retrieving something called a "Life."
14 - Seppuku is an action that Dr. Robert Hamburger claims was a ritual suicide used with a firsbee that is shoved down one's throat. Hamburger's knowledge of Ninjas is obviously skewed and misinformed, because everyone knows they used beach balls.
15 - "Total Fucking Loser" is a title given to people who sit at their computers and write guides to catching Ninjas. The only exception to this rule is me, because I'm cool like that.
The following material was reprinted with permission to no one, and is copyright nobody, and if you want to steal it for some reason, you're fucking strange and I never want to have anything to do with you.
Anyway, that's how you get Ninjas. Try it. Impress your friends. Piss off Hotel Clerks! Live the Dream!