journal decline
I have noticed lately that entries into my regular, paper journal have been nearly non-existant. It sounds weird, but it has gotten worse, not only since being busy having kids, but even since having gotten married. Do I talk to my husband now instead of really hashing out my heart in my journal? I used to write prayers and also whatever I was working through--journal time was thinking and praying time for me. I used to have that personal, secret, and intimate time with God to listen to Him and write, but now I seem to have traded lots of that for what could almost be an idol of "company," the company of my family taking the place of the deeper anchor I used to have. Now I find myself swaying with the tide as far as steadfastly following God depending on if my husband is enthusiastic, or my kids are behaving, or if the housework is done. I can almost see the point in that verse about unmarried people being able to completely serve the Lord in anyway instead of having the other responsibilities of pleasing and raising a family. However, I also see that THROUGH family life, you get to learn a lot more about serving while being vulnerable to people who are constantly with you, you get to learn about the kind of committed love that Jesus has for us, through your spouse and kids, and you get to explore a whole different kind of grace that empowers you to learn to love others (your family in particular) more than you love "ministry." And maybe in that, a purer love for God grows, ever so slowly (despite not journalling for hours a day), and ever so surely into a relationship that is more heartbeat-to-heartbeat intimate with God. And, probably very good for me, legalism must be choked out in such a walk, which might just include the legalism found in seeking God "perfectly."