And so is life...
I know what people mean now when they say "You have nothing if you don't have God." Many times I have wanted to talk to God, but the things I do are so horrible I don't feel as if I even deserve to speak his name. I was brought up in church my entire life. My parents would take me Sunday morning and night, and most of the time on Wednesday nights. I never really liked going. When we switched churches I found a new light in church. I found out that learning about God could possibly be fun, but I still never felt just right about it. When I got older I knew that being baptist was not who I was. I wanted people to understand that I just wanted to be a christian and not worry about people fighting over different religions. I started attended Victorious Life. Which was non-denominational. I had some good times there. I learned how to experience God through worship. No, i'm not talking about speaking in tongues, passing out, or dancing like a maniac. I mean really being able to speak to God through words and knowing that he is there feeling those beautiful words that you are speaking. I know what it's like to feel God's presence, that's how I know that I am going to be with him one day. I wouldn't say that I ever really said the sinner's prayer. But I do know that I did alot of asking for forgiveness. I honestly don't remember when I was "saved". I just know that it was an understanding between God and I. Not a verbal agreement in prayer (not saying there is anything wrong with that, I just did not get to experience it in that way). I know when God is there. It's the chillbumps, the smiling, and the warm feeling in my heart. It's how no matter how horrible I am at singing, my voice seems to sound like an angel's when I sing to him. How even though i'm not sad, when I feel him, I cry no matter what, because my tears are of joy, not sadness. Now, this all may sound a little weird. But stay with me. I have a point. I now feel like I will never experience God like this again. I miss it. And honestly, it's the best high there is in life. It is true that I can not find a church to go to that I feel this "high" in. I'm also lazy, and scared of other christians. You know what I mean. The ones that will judge you no matter what your past. But believe me I also have really good christian friends, who love me despite my faults. And not all christians are perfect. I have figured that out. I am friends with the world. But I want to get to the point where I am ONLY friends with God. And it's not a war between the two. I am never going to be the christian I would hope to be. Because yes, I do things that will keep me from God. But I will try, because when it comes down to it life is not about alcohol, sex, and smoking. It's about where you go when you leave here. It's a planning stage for your afterlife. I need to remind myself of this everyday. Thanks for listening. If you have any comments i'm open to them. Everyone has an opinion, and I promise to respect yours if you respect mine.