i was told from the get go that the whole point to this journal was about you and i. at this point i can't believe that any bit of that is true anymore. you've been with other people and dealt with other things (far mor dramatic i'm sure) that something like two specific people being together isn't a big deal. i left. yeah. not because the reasons i gave. those were just easy to come up with and at the time i thought they made sense and that they were believable, buyable, and acceptable. obviously they weren't and they got me into a whole slew of trouble and trying to answer questions i had no answers for. you never pissed me off. you're MILES FROM ugly, and for you to sit there and say you "ruined" anyone's life is complete horse shit. if you have the power to single handedly ruin somebody's life i'm going to go build a shrine to you. out of cheetos. in my stomach. i'm probably going to eat the cheetos anyways but i think you get my point. if you have that kind of command over people you should have your own fucking comic book and be in the next X-Men movie. the reason everyone and everything around you is so fucking fucked up and terrible is because it JUST IS. it isn't you. in fact it's almost fucking arrogant to think that it is. you have to think pretty highly of yourself to think you're responsible for the bad in people's lives, yet at the same time you're sitting here all but saying you're worthless. i've never been good with saying the right things or the nicest things, but i tend to get to the point. that's the point. that's how shit is and to sit here and say you're basically removing yourself from space and time is just stupid. you went to THE MOST POPULAR CORPORATE FRANCHISE IN BERRIEN COUNTY damn near the next day of your "disappearing act". i'd say good job laying low, but you're obviously doing a terrible job. we can sit here all day and nitpick. all day saying "what the fuck happened". want to know what happened? absolutely nothing. i just wasn't feeling it anymore. not in that way. i'm sorry. it wasn't personal, it wasn't anything anyone did. i just kinda fell out of it. i was more into an idea of you and quite honestly you were more into an idea of me. name one thing about me nobody else knows. name one thing other than interests that you truley KNOW about me. we couldn't do that for eachother. you served me coffee, then you stopped, we made out, and then we watched a lot of adult swim. that is literally the entirety of our relationship. now as far as a friendship is concerned, after all that, why you'd want one is beyond me, but you call me equally as NEVER as i call you. it isn't ME not wanting to talk to you anymore. it's quite obviously neither one of us wanting to talk to the other. personally i'd like to, but i fear at this point you despise me so much that you're much more happier keeping it at random sightings of one another. i don't know how you feel, but you don't tell me. and you keep things so cryptic in this journal that i wouldn't have a clue if you were talking about me or fucking don knotts. jenna said you NEEDED to talk to me one day, so much so that you wanted my email address at the very least. well i haven't recieved an email. and we had a big oppurtunity to talk friday night, but it's really hard to want to talk to someone that's for the most part, pouting in a corner. i'm sorry for everything i've done. i know apologies aren't band-aids and that doesn't mean shit. but i am. i miss you and think the world of you. i'd love for you to stop feeling like this and i'd love to be able to have some sort of friendship with you that isn't me crouching next to your booth. but for that to happen this stuff has to stop. i'll leave you alone. i won't throw out one random phone call and if you come to applebee's, i'll pretend i don't know you. whatever it is you want or need. but i'm not going to let you say such stupid junk about yourself, and i'm done having this akward friendship when both you and i know it doesn't have to be like that. i miss you nina. doesn't seem like it. but i do. more so than probably 99% of the people i don't talk to anymore. mainly cos there is really no reason not to be talking to you. 983 2976. call when you're ready.
I know you didn't ask me to...elmvalleyfarmMarch 12 2006, 17:48:33 UTC
I'm just a friend. I think a pretty damn good one too. We've talked and talked about how you feel about this and I think for sure there is some connection, but neither one of you has given it a chance. Nina or "isaidfuckingno" call each other. Make a date. Let me hear about it after word "good or bad". There is more to life than this journal. And hey, your both miles from ugly. And Nina or ISFN don't be stupid, don't cry over spilled milk. Clean it up and make it happen. If I was years younger and it was me I'd would jump on this. Love, Michele
woah,woah,woah....holy crap everyone....calm down!!!ninabeckfordMarch 14 2006, 21:16:04 UTC
k. first of all, it's awesome that you finally told me what you needed to.being friends with you is all i've been wanting for quite some time now, so i don't know why all of this has to be so dramatic.i told you a while ago that i miss having you in my life.and it's weird because i did send an e-mail, but if you say you didn't get it, then my dumbass probably sent it to the wrong address.yes, this journal, the first entry i ever put in it (which I quickly erased) was to get through to you because due to situations that were obviously understandably "awkward" on your behalf, I wasn't worthy of a phone call.i was seriously worried that i'd never see you again. stupid. i know. however, everything written in here otherwise is me expressing myself, and i'm sorry and hurt if you think that it takes an "arrogant" person to feel the way i do about some of the things i've recently written. but it's the truth. i don't lie, and i don't sugarcoat. i'm sorry you don't know me well enough to know how insecure i really am. but i guess i could never tell you anything anyways because some things about me "freak" you out. moving right along..i am doing a great job "laying low" from certain people, and just because i go out to do some junk and am not hiding in a cave somewhere, doesn't mean i'm not avoiding who i need to. truth is, i wasn't even going to talk to jenna, but she's a much better friend than i ever imagined having and she cares and she was worried. huh..worried, so i owe it to her at least not to shut her out too.. i was not "pouting" in the effing corner at foster's b-day, but you were too busy talking to other people to even notice when i said hi to you...so whatever, i had alot of fun, im sorry i put that standoffish vibe out there. geez, you know, i never know when is a good time to talk to you. i obviously wasn't going to bug you in front of all your friends that night. that would've been stupid. i don't call you because i don't want to bug you or risk...nevermind...matt, i want so badly to be friends with you and for us to put this "everything that wasn't" behind us and move on. i miss you alot. i miss you more than i'd like to admit. we do just need to talk. and be friends again...cuz seriously, other than a very small group of others, who else is going to understand my sarcasm and ninaisms?......tell me the best time to reach you......k....miss ya...bye
i left. yeah. not because the reasons i gave. those were just easy to come up with and at the time i thought they made sense and that they were believable, buyable, and acceptable. obviously they weren't and they got me into a whole slew of trouble and trying to answer questions i had no answers for.
you never pissed me off. you're MILES FROM ugly, and for you to sit there and say you "ruined" anyone's life is complete horse shit. if you have the power to single handedly ruin somebody's life i'm going to go build a shrine to you.
out of cheetos.
in my stomach.
i'm probably going to eat the cheetos anyways but i think you get my point. if you have that kind of command over people you should have your own fucking comic book and be in the next X-Men movie.
the reason everyone and everything around you is so fucking fucked up and terrible is because it JUST IS. it isn't you. in fact it's almost fucking arrogant to think that it is. you have to think pretty highly of yourself to think you're responsible for the bad in people's lives, yet at the same time you're sitting here all but saying you're worthless.
i've never been good with saying the right things or the nicest things, but i tend to get to the point. that's the point. that's how shit is and to sit here and say you're basically removing yourself from space and time is just stupid. you went to THE MOST POPULAR CORPORATE FRANCHISE IN BERRIEN COUNTY damn near the next day of your "disappearing act". i'd say good job laying low, but you're obviously doing a terrible job.
we can sit here all day and nitpick. all day saying "what the fuck happened".
want to know what happened?
absolutely nothing. i just wasn't feeling it anymore. not in that way. i'm sorry. it wasn't personal, it wasn't anything anyone did. i just kinda fell out of it. i was more into an idea of you and quite honestly you were more into an idea of me. name one thing about me nobody else knows. name one thing other than interests that you truley KNOW about me.
we couldn't do that for eachother. you served me coffee, then you stopped, we made out, and then we watched a lot of adult swim. that is literally the entirety of our relationship.
now as far as a friendship is concerned, after all that, why you'd want one is beyond me, but you call me equally as NEVER as i call you. it isn't ME not wanting to talk to you anymore. it's quite obviously neither one of us wanting to talk to the other. personally i'd like to, but i fear at this point you despise me so much that you're much more happier keeping it at random sightings of one another.
i don't know how you feel, but you don't tell me. and you keep things so cryptic in this journal that i wouldn't have a clue if you were talking about me or fucking don knotts.
jenna said you NEEDED to talk to me one day, so much so that you wanted my email address at the very least.
well i haven't recieved an email. and we had a big oppurtunity to talk friday night, but it's really hard to want to talk to someone that's for the most part, pouting in a corner.
i'm sorry for everything i've done. i know apologies aren't band-aids and that doesn't mean shit. but i am. i miss you and think the world of you. i'd love for you to stop feeling like this and i'd love to be able to have some sort of friendship with you that isn't me crouching next to your booth. but for that to happen this stuff has to stop.
i'll leave you alone. i won't throw out one random phone call and if you come to applebee's, i'll pretend i don't know you. whatever it is you want or need. but i'm not going to let you say such stupid junk about yourself, and i'm done having this akward friendship when both you and i know it doesn't have to be like that.
i miss you nina. doesn't seem like it. but i do. more so than probably 99% of the people i don't talk to anymore. mainly cos there is really no reason not to be talking to you.
983 2976. call when you're ready.
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