This is the closest anyone is going to get to talking to me....
sorry.
I'm still not ready to speak to pretty much anyone.
I'm still shaken. Still not okay. Still trying to put things together. Still tearing them apart more.I suppose I may own many people an apology. Yeah, well, I don't own anyone shit. I think I've done my part being the "friend" and the "girlfriend" and the "daughter" and the, more recent "bitch." Yeah, well don't judge until you know. And you'll never know until you ask. I've finally broken. I mean I AM COMPLETELY BROKEN. I'm sure sopme of you will be so happy to hear that. Congrats- to all the people that hate me: you've won. I feel like I spent too much time trying to be everything to everyone, but never realized that I was in all actuality, nothing to anyone. That's kinda a hard realization to come to, but I guess it too, like many other lessons learned in life, makes you stronger. The past two years have been a murky haze. I can't remember the last time I woke up and thought things might be okay...I'm not fucking asking for miracles or a "beautiful day", really, all I'm asking for is "okay"...and it seems even that's too much. And the people who think I need help the most are also the quickest to turn their backs. Truth is, even though I have friends, I'va always fely that I didn't have anyone. This is nobody's fault but my own. ALL OF THIS, YOU GUYS, IS NOBODY'S FAULT BUT MY OWN. I should have faced my problems head on a long time ago. I shouldn't have let things hurt me so much, and the second they did, I should have told someone. No I have a million little things that all fold into one and I quite simply don't know how to deal with any of it anymore. It's not a matter of needing "professional help", it's a matter of dealing with things the only way that I know how: shutting myself away from the world and actually getting to know myself. god, that sounds so gay, but true. I mean, I don't know myself without having a relationship attached to me. I've always been so focused on helping others because it's so much more easy than dealing with your own problems. I feel like the less attached I am from people, the less likely I am to get hurt right now. Yeah, I'm a coward. My whole life, everyone always told me how strong they thought I was. When in reality, I'm the most insecure person I've ever known. Everyday I feel ugly. Everyday I feel like I'm not good enough. Everyday, you guys. Everyday. And I don't say these things for people to tell me the opposite. I say these things because it's time that everyone knows what a weak piece of fucking shit I really am. This is the realest thing I've ever written about myself. It surpasses a million journal entries and stupid fucking poems that I wanted to turn into songs someday. I owed that much to my friends. I owe that much to myself. So with that, I'm sorry, again, to everyone who's life I fucked up. All of you deserve someone much better in your lives and I hope you all find that someone.
Me?
I'm signing off.
I'm done for now.
I'm still not ready to speak to pretty much anyone.
I'm still shaken. Still not okay. Still trying to put things together. Still tearing them apart more.I suppose I may own many people an apology. Yeah, well, I don't own anyone shit. I think I've done my part being the "friend" and the "girlfriend" and the "daughter" and the, more recent "bitch." Yeah, well don't judge until you know. And you'll never know until you ask. I've finally broken. I mean I AM COMPLETELY BROKEN. I'm sure sopme of you will be so happy to hear that. Congrats- to all the people that hate me: you've won. I feel like I spent too much time trying to be everything to everyone, but never realized that I was in all actuality, nothing to anyone. That's kinda a hard realization to come to, but I guess it too, like many other lessons learned in life, makes you stronger. The past two years have been a murky haze. I can't remember the last time I woke up and thought things might be okay...I'm not fucking asking for miracles or a "beautiful day", really, all I'm asking for is "okay"...and it seems even that's too much. And the people who think I need help the most are also the quickest to turn their backs. Truth is, even though I have friends, I'va always fely that I didn't have anyone. This is nobody's fault but my own. ALL OF THIS, YOU GUYS, IS NOBODY'S FAULT BUT MY OWN. I should have faced my problems head on a long time ago. I shouldn't have let things hurt me so much, and the second they did, I should have told someone. No I have a million little things that all fold into one and I quite simply don't know how to deal with any of it anymore. It's not a matter of needing "professional help", it's a matter of dealing with things the only way that I know how: shutting myself away from the world and actually getting to know myself. god, that sounds so gay, but true. I mean, I don't know myself without having a relationship attached to me. I've always been so focused on helping others because it's so much more easy than dealing with your own problems. I feel like the less attached I am from people, the less likely I am to get hurt right now. Yeah, I'm a coward. My whole life, everyone always told me how strong they thought I was. When in reality, I'm the most insecure person I've ever known. Everyday I feel ugly. Everyday I feel like I'm not good enough. Everyday, you guys. Everyday. And I don't say these things for people to tell me the opposite. I say these things because it's time that everyone knows what a weak piece of fucking shit I really am. This is the realest thing I've ever written about myself. It surpasses a million journal entries and stupid fucking poems that I wanted to turn into songs someday. I owed that much to my friends. I owe that much to myself. So with that, I'm sorry, again, to everyone who's life I fucked up. All of you deserve someone much better in your lives and I hope you all find that someone.
Me?
I'm signing off.
I'm done for now.