so much
I didnt expect to ever write in this again, but here I am. Too much has happened. Once again, my world is upside down. Everything was all planned out and seemed too perfect. It was. That's what got me.
I used to be happy and smile a lot. I was usually drunk and never had my shit together. How things change. You wouldnt believe how much earning the title "marine" can change things. Now, I am the only one with my shit together. Now, people still look at me like I'm fucking crazy. That will take some getting used to. Hopefully sooner than later. I am no longer happy. I love being a marine. It's what I wanted to do. The price I've had to pay is much more. I was never someone that could be taken away from his friends and family and be expected to cope with it. Things are changing so fast that I can't even begin to keep up. Unfortunately, this began long before I even left. Now, Im here. Sitting in the desert under the "beautiful california sun" wondering "what the fuck happened." I don't think Jorr and I are speaking anymore. I don't really know what to make of it. I certainly didn't do anything to cause that. So that would mean someone else doesn't want to be accountable for their actions and expects me to forget. No. Even after everything, Im here wondering why I still love her and wanting to just hear her voice. That's all I want at this point. The Alex that everyone knew is rebuilding himself. Im tired of being the person that I was. You can't just go around wanting to knock everyone out over things that are out of your control. Life just doesn't work that way. It takes a lot of growing up to see that. Thats right. Growing up. Who would have thought that I would ever use those words in reference to myself? Sure, its great. I am no longer drunk 16 hours out of the day, constanly finding myself in trouble, or having my parents not want me around by being the jerkoff that I was. Now, I want nothing more than to be home and spend time with the people that are most important to me. I know I've disappointed and hurt some of them in the past, but why must some of them insist on doing the same to me? When will things become stable? Life is never stable. Everything seems so temporary and Im fucking sick of it.
If SHE only knew.
I used to be happy and smile a lot. I was usually drunk and never had my shit together. How things change. You wouldnt believe how much earning the title "marine" can change things. Now, I am the only one with my shit together. Now, people still look at me like I'm fucking crazy. That will take some getting used to. Hopefully sooner than later. I am no longer happy. I love being a marine. It's what I wanted to do. The price I've had to pay is much more. I was never someone that could be taken away from his friends and family and be expected to cope with it. Things are changing so fast that I can't even begin to keep up. Unfortunately, this began long before I even left. Now, Im here. Sitting in the desert under the "beautiful california sun" wondering "what the fuck happened." I don't think Jorr and I are speaking anymore. I don't really know what to make of it. I certainly didn't do anything to cause that. So that would mean someone else doesn't want to be accountable for their actions and expects me to forget. No. Even after everything, Im here wondering why I still love her and wanting to just hear her voice. That's all I want at this point. The Alex that everyone knew is rebuilding himself. Im tired of being the person that I was. You can't just go around wanting to knock everyone out over things that are out of your control. Life just doesn't work that way. It takes a lot of growing up to see that. Thats right. Growing up. Who would have thought that I would ever use those words in reference to myself? Sure, its great. I am no longer drunk 16 hours out of the day, constanly finding myself in trouble, or having my parents not want me around by being the jerkoff that I was. Now, I want nothing more than to be home and spend time with the people that are most important to me. I know I've disappointed and hurt some of them in the past, but why must some of them insist on doing the same to me? When will things become stable? Life is never stable. Everything seems so temporary and Im fucking sick of it.
If SHE only knew.