Rubber Duckies
Okay, so I know I haven't posted here in a while, but I just sort of feel the need to write right now. Today, for some unknown reason, was sort of hard for me. Maybe it's because I'm in pain beyond all belief (I have a tooth in what I call the "shark row" it's one tooth that decided it was going to start a second (think inner) row of teeth. The other teeth, knowing full well that this one will be broken into millions of shards (while I'm gassed up and have someone waiting in the waiting room to take my sorry ass home) and removed. They didn't follow suit. Good job other guys) but I was watching some "new groundbreaking TV show" when I lost my shit. Dunno why, I was lethargically chilling on the couch after eating some soup, petting my Crowley, when I just started to cry. I think the fact that I've been thinking a lot about where I want my life to go has had a lot to do with it. There's also the whole "alone" thing that I have to deal with too. Well actually, the lack thereof I suppose.
So, as we all know, most of my life, I've been "the single friend." Even when I was in a relationship, it was more like two people who occasionally entered one another's life. I never left the single behind. Now, I'm actually in a place with someone, where I don't feel so alone and I think that scares me. Well... not think. I know it does. Because I don't know how to be with anyone other than me and there is this irrational fear that I just might fuck it all up. Arg. Now, I am still sort of nervous around Andrew, my boyfriend, because he's still sort of new in my life. There is nothing wrong with our relationship, it's just... well... it's actually a relationship and I'm nervous about it. I don't know how to do this. I'm a workaholic, I like work. I like being at work. How do I balance out a personal relationship with someone, maintain my own personal areas (I'm not ready to live with anyone yet), and work?
Now we come to the career side of the cube. Where do I want to be career wise in 5 years? I don't know. Yesterday I was offered a good deal and it's good money. Not full time, it's a month long show gig, but I am worried that by accepting it, I'm screwing over my chances of doing well with Atmosphere. Atmo is probably the place I'm most likely to be able to go fulltime and get benefits. I like Atmo, I like Signature, I like being able to pick and choose where I work. But I want full time. And where do we come to if I get married and choose to have children? My current gig is not conducive to having children. There is a desire to go back to school and perhaps teach or something. But is this another item in the long list of things that I think it would be fun to do in life? Or would going back to school for a masters in education be a good idea? What about going back just to get my massage therapy license? Should I really try to be a successful writer?
Anyway...
... I'll try to be here more.
So, as we all know, most of my life, I've been "the single friend." Even when I was in a relationship, it was more like two people who occasionally entered one another's life. I never left the single behind. Now, I'm actually in a place with someone, where I don't feel so alone and I think that scares me. Well... not think. I know it does. Because I don't know how to be with anyone other than me and there is this irrational fear that I just might fuck it all up. Arg. Now, I am still sort of nervous around Andrew, my boyfriend, because he's still sort of new in my life. There is nothing wrong with our relationship, it's just... well... it's actually a relationship and I'm nervous about it. I don't know how to do this. I'm a workaholic, I like work. I like being at work. How do I balance out a personal relationship with someone, maintain my own personal areas (I'm not ready to live with anyone yet), and work?
Now we come to the career side of the cube. Where do I want to be career wise in 5 years? I don't know. Yesterday I was offered a good deal and it's good money. Not full time, it's a month long show gig, but I am worried that by accepting it, I'm screwing over my chances of doing well with Atmosphere. Atmo is probably the place I'm most likely to be able to go fulltime and get benefits. I like Atmo, I like Signature, I like being able to pick and choose where I work. But I want full time. And where do we come to if I get married and choose to have children? My current gig is not conducive to having children. There is a desire to go back to school and perhaps teach or something. But is this another item in the long list of things that I think it would be fun to do in life? Or would going back to school for a masters in education be a good idea? What about going back just to get my massage therapy license? Should I really try to be a successful writer?
Anyway...
... I'll try to be here more.