time line
I got to thinking about impermanence yesterday -- you know, just how things are always fleeting, always on the brink of when you think, "Oh, I've got this." I used to expect more of it -- the way things change on you -- I think i used to dread it and anticipate it and constantly flit about thinking, well, none of this is meaningful because in about 10 minutes I'm going to trip and fall and fall flat on my face anyway. Which, to be fair, happens maybe three out of 10 times I expect it to. Usually.
There was an episode of How I Met Your Mother that kind of addressed this subject (impermanence, yes; my klutziness, no) -- Martin Short's character tells Jason Segal that we should all be happy now and party like we're silly putty because we're all gonna die in the long run, and that some of the bitter angry fights aren't worth it. Of course, 10 minutes later, we all know how that story plot reversed itself, but that's the balance of it all, isn't it? i got to noticing the older folk at a young person's celebration a couple months ago. They may not have moved as spry or looked as smooth, but there was something to be said about those weathered faces, sitting together and chatting, then mingling every now and then and busting a move.
My parents are approaching 60. My brothers had the insight to state the obvious a couple of weeks ago, and the idea of it comes and goes, the idea of growing old, of growing up, the whole 'what does it mean' and 'am i where i thought i was gonna be' and 'how much time do we all have left really' sort of questioning. My parents have never felt old, not to me. It scares and terrifies me sometimes to think about time and age, but it's also a battle I've kind of given up a battle to worrying about. My mom will always say she has the heart of a 16 year old, and in many ways, her spritely candor and enthusiasm and feist is what I aspire to everyday. My dad, at times has felt like a more difficult conundrum, but I think the older I get the more I appreciate him and what he does. I haven't always been good about this understanding, but sometimes the people who matter the most to us aren't always the easiest to understand. And it's only after some time that it makes more sense than it does in the moment.
It's funny thinking about all this -- I can only do so on a day off from work -- but sometimes I look back on the different stages of my life and it feels like I've been (not to be confused with "being with"...) a couple of different people -- not so much in gest or ego, but in the natural progression of things. I was reminded of a feeling and a belief that was a very constant, alive sort of living creature back in the late 90s, and it was only now the whimsy of it seemed so entertainingly, heartbreakingly true. I could say it was about love, but I don't really think I knew what it meant back then. And I've been back to the old fairgrounds. They are heartbreaking, but true, and to hardly anyone else will they necessarily mean the same thing.
Which can be the trouble of looking backwards sometimes. But sometimes those two steps back are just the ones you need. Unabashedly.
There was an episode of How I Met Your Mother that kind of addressed this subject (impermanence, yes; my klutziness, no) -- Martin Short's character tells Jason Segal that we should all be happy now and party like we're silly putty because we're all gonna die in the long run, and that some of the bitter angry fights aren't worth it. Of course, 10 minutes later, we all know how that story plot reversed itself, but that's the balance of it all, isn't it? i got to noticing the older folk at a young person's celebration a couple months ago. They may not have moved as spry or looked as smooth, but there was something to be said about those weathered faces, sitting together and chatting, then mingling every now and then and busting a move.
My parents are approaching 60. My brothers had the insight to state the obvious a couple of weeks ago, and the idea of it comes and goes, the idea of growing old, of growing up, the whole 'what does it mean' and 'am i where i thought i was gonna be' and 'how much time do we all have left really' sort of questioning. My parents have never felt old, not to me. It scares and terrifies me sometimes to think about time and age, but it's also a battle I've kind of given up a battle to worrying about. My mom will always say she has the heart of a 16 year old, and in many ways, her spritely candor and enthusiasm and feist is what I aspire to everyday. My dad, at times has felt like a more difficult conundrum, but I think the older I get the more I appreciate him and what he does. I haven't always been good about this understanding, but sometimes the people who matter the most to us aren't always the easiest to understand. And it's only after some time that it makes more sense than it does in the moment.
It's funny thinking about all this -- I can only do so on a day off from work -- but sometimes I look back on the different stages of my life and it feels like I've been (not to be confused with "being with"...) a couple of different people -- not so much in gest or ego, but in the natural progression of things. I was reminded of a feeling and a belief that was a very constant, alive sort of living creature back in the late 90s, and it was only now the whimsy of it seemed so entertainingly, heartbreakingly true. I could say it was about love, but I don't really think I knew what it meant back then. And I've been back to the old fairgrounds. They are heartbreaking, but true, and to hardly anyone else will they necessarily mean the same thing.
Which can be the trouble of looking backwards sometimes. But sometimes those two steps back are just the ones you need. Unabashedly.