You were there...all along.
Huh...at first it seems.
51 hours of not eating does more to you emotionally than spiritually. Sure, fasting could bring me closer to God. What am I trying to prove though? That I can be a strong Christian by starving myself. (this is why deleting or throwing out journal entires is a don't. You can look back and see how you used to feel and how you've now changed.) God loves me for who I am and what I do, regardless of my bulimia, regardless if I fast for the magical number of 30 days.
That fast drove me into a deep depression. I felt disattached from myself. I thought fasting would clear my mind, but it dug me into the realms of an eating disorder. Of course I'm happy with the little bit of weight that I've lost! How far would I have gone?
I got ready this morning after being awake since 1:30 am with the indications of going to school. I began to cry and shake while driving. I knew right away that I had to see my social worker, Kathy. I needed help, I needed to be admitted. Someone was with me as I drove to the hospital. God, Nikki, it was them all right. I felt scared but they gave me the courage to walk into the doors, up the stairs, and straight to Kathy's office. My heart was beating so fast I could feel it through the tips of my fingers. Weakened, I told her that I haven't heard a thing from UCLA. She made some calls, but still no progress. Kathy left a message with a women who oversees the eating disorder unit asking for her to call me. Kathy had a huge tray of breads and butter. I ate a piece of zuchinni bread and banana nut bread (no butter) to ease my shakes. I didn't even feel guilty, just a little hesitation at first. I returned home and called Brian. I needed some fuel for my body.
$20.44 was all I had in my checking account. I called to ask Brian if I could buy myself some food. "Use only $10 though." Fucker. I went to the store on the base and bought some red apples, 2 cans of green bean, 1 small package of sugar-free orange Jello, 2 small cans of peaches, 1 box of hot cereal (wheat bran), 1 can of tuna packed in water, and 8 cartons of non-fat yogurt. I decided to buy some ice cream at the Jet Mart for a binge. Came home, binged and purged on a 1/2 gallon of Tin Roof Sundae ice cream. My cell phone rang after my last purge.
"You're being admitted tomorrow." Brian said. My eyes lit up and I began to choke, no tears really. Happiness and relief rushed through my body. Finally, I can over come this monster that's been controlling me for so long.
I ate an apple, 1 can of green beans, and 1 can of tuna. I noticed how fast I was eating. Everything that goes inside of my mouth is treated like a binge. I ate rapidly not thinking at once to slow down. I felt guilty and binged on 1 serving of hot cereal, 1 can of peaches, and 2 cartons of yogurt. Then I finished off the batch of white rice that I made at 2:00 am. The purge was smooth, just like butta. It came up in waves of delight. I dry heaved green beans and tuna. All the rice was out, all the yogurt, all the cereal. I felt cleansed and rushed. It's that feeling that purging used to give me.
I have to say goodbye to it now, for better though. Since Brian is driving home from LA right now, he decided that Thursday would be a better day to leave on. That's ok, I don't really mind. Fuck. I lost weight and I can start to see my chest bones. The same bones that my mom saw one day while I was standing before her in a towel. The same bones that my mom saw and began to cry. The same bones that made me feel strong. Now they have to dissapear once again.