(no subject)
After 51 hours of fasting, I became weak and fell into another cycle of binging and purging. Starvation causes insomnia for me. I took a Benadryl, which is all I had, and slowly drifted off to sleep at 11:00 pm. I awoke several times throughout the night. I was hungry, scared, shaky, hot. All I could think of was binging to help me fall asleep. That's exactly what I did. Well the binging that is.
My fridge is bare and all that's left in my pantry is white rice and dried pasta. I made a batch and began to eat. A sickness swam over me. It was more mentally then physically, because I knew that at 3:00 am I was going to have to purge. One would expect a sensitive gag reflex after not purging for two whole days. Not this time. The purge was difficult but I managed to suck it up and do the deed. Afterwords, my heart started to race very fast. Just prior to the binge my chest was hurting, my heart was fluttering.
I love fasting, it's just that I can't sleep for shit which makes me want to binge and purge. It's 4:50 am. I am tired and awake. I am hungry and full.
To binge and purge or not to binge and purge, that is always the question. I have no money. I'm thinking about heading to the recycling center in a couple of hours so that I can get some money for binge food. Sometimes I wish that I would've stayed in bed. Or maybe to have never awaken.