I'm about to break
So I'm nervous. Really nervous. My biopsy is in 9 hours. I can guarantee I will not be getting much, if any, sleep tonight. It's really scary to think about the unknown. It's really scary to think of probabilities and chances and percentages of things being good or bad. All in all, I'm just scared out of my mind right now.
I've been having some pretty scary thoughts lately. Like thoughts I used to have a few years ago, when things were not going too well in my life. I was driving home from the movies last night, and just decided to speed. I was going 95 on a somewhat windy road. I barely remember it. The adrenaline rush. The focus I had on whatever was in front of me. The potential to just run off the road and hit a tree. Thank God I snapped out of it. I don't want to die. But I also don't want to live sometimes. It's really scary when my thoughts basically take over and I feel like I've lost control. It's not good. I told Jenny last night that I would talk to my mom about it. I haven't. I don't know if I will. I'm hoping that once I get to Tuscaloosa things will get better. But going back to T-town only brings more stress with summer school and finding a job. Maybe once I find out the results of tomorrow things will get better, but only if the news is good. But even with good news, the bad news is that this will be happening constantly and that breast cancer will be soon. So basically no news is good news in the long run. Wow... this sucks...
I'm getting really nauseas (spelling?). I want to feel safe. But I'm not. My vulnerability is being worn on my sleeve. I'm scared. I'm scared to death... literally. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to suffer. I don't want anyone else to either.
Why am I still here?
I don't want to do this anymore...
I've been having some pretty scary thoughts lately. Like thoughts I used to have a few years ago, when things were not going too well in my life. I was driving home from the movies last night, and just decided to speed. I was going 95 on a somewhat windy road. I barely remember it. The adrenaline rush. The focus I had on whatever was in front of me. The potential to just run off the road and hit a tree. Thank God I snapped out of it. I don't want to die. But I also don't want to live sometimes. It's really scary when my thoughts basically take over and I feel like I've lost control. It's not good. I told Jenny last night that I would talk to my mom about it. I haven't. I don't know if I will. I'm hoping that once I get to Tuscaloosa things will get better. But going back to T-town only brings more stress with summer school and finding a job. Maybe once I find out the results of tomorrow things will get better, but only if the news is good. But even with good news, the bad news is that this will be happening constantly and that breast cancer will be soon. So basically no news is good news in the long run. Wow... this sucks...
I'm getting really nauseas (spelling?). I want to feel safe. But I'm not. My vulnerability is being worn on my sleeve. I'm scared. I'm scared to death... literally. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to suffer. I don't want anyone else to either.
Why am I still here?
I don't want to do this anymore...