(no subject)
Today was a little bit better. I'm trying to keep myself occupied. I'm trying not to think of what might be. It's really hard to not freak out, but I've realized I can't just stay in bed all day, especially when my damn mouth is still hurting.
So I went to the doctor for my wisdom teeth today. There's a little infection in my right side (not a dry socket, thank God) but now I'm on anti-biotics. So hopefully that'll knock it out. Then I went to lunch with my mom, then spent WAY too much money on school supplies. Yeah, I bought some unnecessary thing but it's ok. I'm all ready to start school on Tuesday. I'm definitely not going to be able to focus though, until I get these results back. Went to dinner with Hannah and Adam, and then watched Pirates of the Caribbean after that. I finally picked up my refill of sleeping medicine so I can hopefully get to sleep tonight.
My plans for tomorrow: stay busy. I'm gonna help Hannah take pictures of some stuff for her mom. Maybe play tennis with Hannah and Adam, or just watch them play tennis. Hopefully see the second Pirates, and then Ashley comes back from the beach.
As much as I'm surrounding myself with people and it seems to keep my mind off of things, I get back home at night and am still alone. I'm trying not to be dependent on people, but night times are and always have been my bad time. My demons come out at night. My thoughts take over and I can't help but cry and feel helpless.
I've gotten a lot of calls from people from the church I joined in Tuscaloosa. Jacob told his cousin about what I'm going through, who then told the pastor. Not that I really care that they know, but the prayers will help, but it is somewhat personal, and not really embrassing but I mean, it's my boob that people are talking about. Kind of weird. But the nice thing is, I know people are praying for me. I've gotten about 5 calls today but from people who I know there name, but can't exactly put a face to that name. I feel bad. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. That's the one thing I hate, but it's nice to know that people are thinking about me and praying for me and I hope that it helps. So thankyou to all of you...
But the weird thing is, as much as I'm trying to surround myself with people, and as much as people are calling me and wishing me the best... I still feel really alone. I still feel really scared. I still feel really vulnerable. I still feel like no one is there to hold me. All I really want right now is for someone to hold me. I don't know if it would help, but I think it would. The person I wish I had hold me was Jacob. He genuinely makes me feel so safe. When I'm in his arms, I feel like nothing could happen to me. He has seriously been my support and my shoulder through not just this, but everything. I've been able to lean on him, and cry to him, and yell at him, and show my flaws and my breakdowns and he still loves me just the same. He seriously is my other half, and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. So thankyou Jacob, I love you with all my heart. It's not that I don't have friends or my mom for this, but it's different when it's someone your IN love with, and it's not just that you love them. It's different when you know it's someone that you're going to be with for the rest of your life and start a family with. I'm so thankful to all of my friends too, so don't think I'm not, it's just through this, I've realized how much Jacob means to me, and how I know he will never, ever leave me.
Ok... enough of this. I'm getting tired. Thank God it's before I get upset. Maybe a Law and Order:SVU is on. Let's hope.
I get back to T-town on Monday. Not sure what time. But I'd really like to go out to dinner with some people *cough cough* Jenny and Alison. Please try to come to Tuscaloosa. I really want to see you guys. Let's get us, Katie, Jacob, Truitt, and Sarah and whoever else. It's be really nice to catch up with everyone. Let's try to plan on it...
I love all of you. Thankyou for everything.
So I went to the doctor for my wisdom teeth today. There's a little infection in my right side (not a dry socket, thank God) but now I'm on anti-biotics. So hopefully that'll knock it out. Then I went to lunch with my mom, then spent WAY too much money on school supplies. Yeah, I bought some unnecessary thing but it's ok. I'm all ready to start school on Tuesday. I'm definitely not going to be able to focus though, until I get these results back. Went to dinner with Hannah and Adam, and then watched Pirates of the Caribbean after that. I finally picked up my refill of sleeping medicine so I can hopefully get to sleep tonight.
My plans for tomorrow: stay busy. I'm gonna help Hannah take pictures of some stuff for her mom. Maybe play tennis with Hannah and Adam, or just watch them play tennis. Hopefully see the second Pirates, and then Ashley comes back from the beach.
As much as I'm surrounding myself with people and it seems to keep my mind off of things, I get back home at night and am still alone. I'm trying not to be dependent on people, but night times are and always have been my bad time. My demons come out at night. My thoughts take over and I can't help but cry and feel helpless.
I've gotten a lot of calls from people from the church I joined in Tuscaloosa. Jacob told his cousin about what I'm going through, who then told the pastor. Not that I really care that they know, but the prayers will help, but it is somewhat personal, and not really embrassing but I mean, it's my boob that people are talking about. Kind of weird. But the nice thing is, I know people are praying for me. I've gotten about 5 calls today but from people who I know there name, but can't exactly put a face to that name. I feel bad. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. That's the one thing I hate, but it's nice to know that people are thinking about me and praying for me and I hope that it helps. So thankyou to all of you...
But the weird thing is, as much as I'm trying to surround myself with people, and as much as people are calling me and wishing me the best... I still feel really alone. I still feel really scared. I still feel really vulnerable. I still feel like no one is there to hold me. All I really want right now is for someone to hold me. I don't know if it would help, but I think it would. The person I wish I had hold me was Jacob. He genuinely makes me feel so safe. When I'm in his arms, I feel like nothing could happen to me. He has seriously been my support and my shoulder through not just this, but everything. I've been able to lean on him, and cry to him, and yell at him, and show my flaws and my breakdowns and he still loves me just the same. He seriously is my other half, and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. So thankyou Jacob, I love you with all my heart. It's not that I don't have friends or my mom for this, but it's different when it's someone your IN love with, and it's not just that you love them. It's different when you know it's someone that you're going to be with for the rest of your life and start a family with. I'm so thankful to all of my friends too, so don't think I'm not, it's just through this, I've realized how much Jacob means to me, and how I know he will never, ever leave me.
Ok... enough of this. I'm getting tired. Thank God it's before I get upset. Maybe a Law and Order:SVU is on. Let's hope.
I get back to T-town on Monday. Not sure what time. But I'd really like to go out to dinner with some people *cough cough* Jenny and Alison. Please try to come to Tuscaloosa. I really want to see you guys. Let's get us, Katie, Jacob, Truitt, and Sarah and whoever else. It's be really nice to catch up with everyone. Let's try to plan on it...
I love all of you. Thankyou for everything.