Fic: but at length the truth will out
Title: but at length the truth will out
Beta: Many, many thanks to dizilla and aquila_star for beta duties
Rating: R
Word Count: 5,226
Pairings/Characters: Kirk/McCoy, Spock/Uhura, Scotty
Warnings: major spoilers for Star Trek Into Darkness under spoiler tags -[Spoiler (click to open)]Mention of Major Character Death, Angst, Jealousy
Disclaimer: Not mine, dammit!
Summary: A breath is a precious thing. Lives can be measured in each breath we take: when we hold them in, when we release them and finally when we breathe no more. If you hold your breath long enough, eventually nothing is left but breathless eagerness.
A/N: At the end as they contain spoilers.
Also over at AO3 here.
Bones paused a bit longer than he normally would at the nurses’ station, taking his time reading through the report on his PADD about Jim’s progress in his PT sessions. Jim had grumbled and complained and tried to flirt his way out of them with everyone, but he was in Starfleet Medical now and while Jim might be the savior of Earth and the Federation, twice, he was no Leonard McCoy. Medical miracles took precedence here and Bones was using that status for all it was worth, to finally make Jim stay still and recover properly for once.
That wasn’t the main reason Bones was loitering and getting pointed looks from the ward clerk. No, it was the presence of the Enterprise’s Chief Engineer in Jim’s room that was causing Bones to stay where he was.
Ever since the realization that Scott had called Spock down to the Warp Core and not him, Bones couldn’t stand to be within the same breathing space of the man. It didn’t matter to him that they were alive because of Montgomery Scott. It mattered to him that the next time Bones had seen Jim was when he pulled back the cover on the body bag and there was Kirk.
Jim like he never wanted to see him ever again. Lifeless.
Bones took a deep breath as the words on the report blurred a little in front of him. He pulled back the tears that were threatening to escape, blinked and surreptitiously scratched gently at the corner of his eye, as if he was checking for sleep or something. He repeated it with his other eye, holding his finger up to see the little glisten of moisture on the tip of it. He rubbed it off with his thumb, making the moisture disappear from sight,into his skin as if it had never happened and he had absorbed all the emotion back into himself. A strong Scottish accent had him looking in the direction of Jim’s room again.
Scott was standing in the doorway, obviously making his farewells, his visit over. There was laughter that had Bones grinding his teeth a little as he turned his back to the room once more and leaned against the counter, all the better to pretend to continue to read about Jim’s “excellent” progress.
The minute ticked by as if it were ten; Bones watching the little clock on the PADD counting his anger out for him. With a deep breath and a check over his shoulder that the coast was clear, he turned around and walked over to Jim’s room.
oOo
His patience was tested again when the core Enterprise officers were called in for a debriefing. His rank denoted that he was seated next to Scott and the affability of the man had Bones’ fingers itching for a hypospray and access to a couple of nice little viruses. He ignored the pointed looks he was getting from the man with every rebuff he made to Scott’s attempts to be pleasant.
At least he had entered the room by Jim’s side, hovering in a way that he knew was going to annoy Jim, but the man couldn’t do a lot about it. Bones had threatened the possibility of a wheelchair if Jim didn’t let Bones escort him in, at least.
While all the officers had gathered round Jim as soon as they had spotted him, Bones took his time extricating himself from the happy bunch. The lot of them were acting like they hadn’t seen Jim in years, when the fact of the matter was that all of them had been a constant parade in and out of Jim’s room. Bones hardly had a moment of Jim to himself since they had transferred down to San Francisco. He was glad for the crew coming and keeping Jim busy and entertained. The man would have gone insane if he was stuck in that room with limited things to keep him occupied and Bones was adamant he wasn’t going to leave until Bones was good and ready to let him go.
Starfleet had deemed that the augments were to be put back to cryosleep and stored in a secure facility. The news did not sit well with the crew. For once, Jim was the one who was the most reticent and had Bones watching him carefully for signs of fatigue. Bones had his own thoughts about losing any potential medical advances to be made studying the augments. He resolved to bring it up with the superiors at Starfleet Medical. His attention here and now was focused on Jim.
“Doctor, your unusual silence on the matter of the augments has been noted,” Spock said quietly from just behind Bones. The briefing had finished and the crew were once again around Jim, chattering like magpies, so, Spock’s quiet appearance to speak to Bones had him jumping just like his Great-Aunt Enid if the devil had tapped her on the shoulder during the middle of a sermon.
“Don’t see how there is much we can do. They said it was an au fait accompli,” Bones replied as he turned to face Spock. “Jim was quiet too.”
“Indeed, I noted that...Jim was not as loquacious as is his normal speech.”
Bones raised his eyebrow at the pause before Spock called Jim, ‘Jim’ as well as the other word in that sentence. “Loquacious is he? You been at the thesaurus again?”
“Doctor, all Vulcans are raised with the expectation to master language in all its forms.”
Bones glared at him, a little unsure if he had just been insulted or not. He erred on the side that he had; experience told him so.
“Jim’s had enough. I’m taking him back to the hospital.”
On that note, Bones turned away and marched through the crowd, ignoring the protests from his fellow officers and especially from Jim. A quiet little threat to call the orderlies had Jim glaring and pouting but finally saying his goodbyes. Bones ground his teeth together when Scott announced he would follow along too.
“He has medical tests to be done, no visitors,” Bones declared as he frog-marched Jim toward the doors.
“No I don’t,” Jim protested. “And what’s with the leaving. I’m getting sick of that room.”
“You’ll stay in that damn room, ‘til I say otherwise.”
“I liked you better when you were nicer to me.”
“I’m always nice.” Bones glared at Jim.
Jim tried an eyebrow raise himself and at the comical head tilt he made when trying to get the eyebrow to move further up, Bones couldn’t help laughing for a moment. “Brat.”
oOo
The one visitor Bones couldn’t bar from Jim’s room was Spock. It was almost as if the man had moved in with the number of times Bones came into the room and find him there. Bones wondered what Nyota thought of this new close friendship development with Jim and Spock, thick as thieves, until he came upon her one day sitting in a corner reading something on a PADD while Spock sat next to Jim’s bed, engaged in a highly competitive game of 3D chess.
He flashed a smile of greeting in Nyota’s direction before heading over to check the biobed display. The serum blood transfusion was still at a tricky stage. At any moment, Jim’s body could still try and reject it, even though it had been weeks since the first transfusion and everything was reading clear. Bones didn’t want to take a chance and lose the man again. Not on his watch. It was going to be a full seven weeks before his body completely replaced the augment blood serum that was there.
Bones rolled his eyes as Jim and Spock’s discussion returned to their little, “you saved me”, “no, you saved me”, tit for tat discussion that regularly happened. Sometimes he really wanted to just slap Jim upside the head and point out that if Spock had gone about what he really wanted to do, Jim would still be dead. Bones glanced over to see Nyota’s reaction to her part in Jim’s saving being ignored.
What he discovered was a fond smile on her face as she watched the two men. Bones didn’t understand it. Nyota was a proud woman, very forthright in her accomplishments, which were many, and to see her sitting back and happily being ignored confused Bones no end.
Bones walked back over to the door and motioned for Nyota to join him outside the room. She nodded and stood with her usual elegance. Once out in the corridor, he made sure they were far enough away from the room so as not to be overheard.
“Yes, Leonard? Is it something about Jim?” Nyota looked a little worried.
“No, he’s fine, more than fine,” Bones complained.
“So?”
“Doesn’t it bother you?” Bones finally managed to express what had been eating at him ever since Jim had woken up.
“You mean Spock and the Captain?” Nyota was giving him that indulgent smile again and Bones wasn’t sure if he liked it or not.
“Yes. No. I mean the fact that they only think they saved each other and what you and I did is of no mind.”
“Oh,” Nyota said as she looked down at the ground. “Yes, but Spock has lost so much and this has given him hope. You understand hope, Leonard. So I let them be for the moment. There’s time enough for Jim to come to his senses later. I would have thought you would not want him stressed greatly?”
“Well, I don’t like it,” Bones ground out as he glared back in the direction of the room.
“It will be fine,” Nyota said as she gently patted Bones on the shoulder. “Jim trusts you beyond anything.”
Nyota walked back into the room, leaving Bones with conflicted thoughts.
“I still don’t like it,” he grumbled as he walked off to deal with other less annoying patients.
oOo
The next time Bones found Scott in Jim’s room, he was sorely tempted to just flat out order him out, under the reasoning that he made Jim too excitable. Bones was thwarted though, as accompanying Scott were Chekov and Keenser. Bones didn’t have the heart to say anything while Chekov was around. The boy had been devastated with Jim’s death and had kept as physically far away from Kirk’s body as he could. While Bones knew that a lot of what happened in the moments just after Kirk’s body had been brought into the sickbay he couldn’t remember or just plain didn’t notice, there had been something about the way Chekov was there and didn’t want to be that resonated with Bones.
He felt the unshed tears welling up again, so with only a cursory nod to others and Jim he did a quick check of the panel, not really seeing the readings at all before heading out of the room.
“Doctor,” he heard called out. He thought about it for a moment, just to continue walking and ignore that Scottish accent, but he knew that wouldn’t stop the man. He stopped but didn’t turn around.
“You have been a wee bit stand-offish of late. We have missed your presence at our little gatherings,” Scott said as he came to stand next to him.
“I’ve been busy.” Bones finally relented and looked at the man who had his typical ‘I’m completely at home with everything in the world’ look on his face. Bones just wanted to punch it. Hard. But, he was a doctor, not a pugilist.
“So have we all, but it would be nice to see you again. The others would appreciate an update on the Captain, I am sure. And, I have spotted a nice bottle of scotch behind the bar that I think you would appreciate.”
“As I said, I’m busy and none of you need an update, what with y’all coming in and out like there’s a damn revolving door.” Bones nodded and started walking away again, the conversation over as far as he was concerned.
“Leonard,” Scott called out as he grabbed at Bones’ arm.
“Let go, Lieutenant Commander,” Bones snarled.
Scott let go as requested but his chin went up as he started to speak again. “See, that’s what I mean. I dinna know what I did, but you are unhappy as you keep calling me by my title. I do have a name.”
“What you did? You want to know what you did? Well, I can tell you what you did,” Bones said as he stepped right into the personal space of Scott and poked his finger into Scott’s chest. “A sick and injured Captain and you call down the Acting Captain, Spock. Not me! That’s what you did and for that I don’t want to speak to you and I don’t want see you. I will when I have to, but beyond that, no, it ain’t gonna happen.”
Bones took a deep breath. All that had been bottled up for so long and to get it out finally wasn’t as cathartic as he thought it might be. He was still tense, waiting for the explanation or the apology from the Chief Engineer.
“Well, okay then,” Scott said as he stepped back. “Right, I can...well, yes. Doctor.”
Bones stood there stupefied that Scott was walking away back into Jim’s room. No explanation. No apology. He just left Bones there, standing in the corridor. Alone.
oOo
It was evening when Bones did another of his rounds through Jim’s ward. He had steered clear until he was sure that the others would have left. Jim was up and walking around now, and Bones gave a quick glance into his room as he walked past. Jim was standing up and looking out the window at the faintly glittering lights of the city that were visible to him. Bones kept walking, off to the nurses’ station to get the reports on those he was there to see who were not Jim.
“Bones,” Jim called out.
“Yeah?” Bones asked as he turned around.
“Haven’t seen you today,” Jim said as he leaned back against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest. No more the white hospital gown for him, he was back in his blacks.
“You had plenty of visitors,” Bones replied.
Jim was just staring at him, that little smile playing around the corner of his lips. It wouldn’t take much, just a thought somewhere in Jim’s mind and it would turn into a full blown smirk that Bones had learned to avoid at all costs.
“Well I don’t now, so come visit.” Jim walked back into his room, leaving Bones the choice of just standing there, or following. It was really no choice at all.
“So I’m visiting,” Bones said as he walked in to see Jim sitting on the edge of his bed, one leg idly swinging.
Jim laughed at him. “Scotty told me you were a bit upset earlier.”
Bones narrowed his eyes. “He did, did he? Couldn’t wait to go running off to tattle to daddy. Did he also go running off to Spock too?”
“You can be an ass at times,” Jim said, completely calm, which just made Bones’ blood boil.
“I’m the ass? I’m the one that saved your life and I might have been able to even earlier, but no, Mr. Scott had to go and call your boyfriend down instead.”
“My what? Don’t let Nyota hear you say that.” Jim had gotten off the bed but he still had that calm smirk on his face that Bones just wanted to wipe off of it.
“He’s here enough. I can’t enter the damn room without him being around all the time. It’s sickening listening to you two lovebirds.”
“I know you helped, Bones, and I...I just, you know...”
“I helped? Lord preserve me. I was the one who was stuck making a serum that had never been done before, then fighting for every goddamn inch with your body to accept the damn thing and let it work. So don’t tell me I ain’t allowed to be a little annoyed. Spock helped, but only ‘cause Nyota stopped him. Without her and without me telling them to catch the son of a bitch, so, next time you coo away at that boyfriend about him saving your skinny ass, think about that. He would have killed him and you would still be dead if it wasn’t for me and if it wasn’t for Nyota.”
Bones found that he was inches away from Jim. At some stage he had moved so close that all he could see was that bright blue of Jim’s eyes, blue so bright that it was almost inhuman. A movement out the corner of his eye caught his attention, Jim’s hand lifting up and hovering in the air, a moment away from touching Bones.
The charged air was too much and the need and desire and fear of that touch had Bones taking a step back.
“Jim. I...I wasn’t there,” Bones whispered out.
For once Jim remained silent, eerily so. His hand still there in the air. Bones couldn’t take it, or the look of pity he thought he saw in Jim’s eyes. He took the coward’s way out, leaving the room at speed.
oOo
Jim pretended that everything was bright and brilliant with the world over the next week or so. Bones knew that act well. He let it go.
Other times he might have said something, pulled Jim aside, but not now. Now...now it was back to professionalism, and throwing himself into his work and when not at work, researching and writing up his papers. That was enough for him. He had his colleagues for socializing quietly and occasionally he would see Nyota around and they would catch up for a coffee or three over an afternoon. She would let him know about the rest of the crew and what they were up to with their placements while the Enterprise was being repaired. She and Carol had become friends and through her, Bones provided some recommendations for Carol’s friend Chapel, who was going through nursing training.
All was good and calm and then the person who should keep things that way made it all go to hell.
Bones walked into the room to find Spock and Scott there with Jim, laughing over something the three of them were looking at on a PADD. Bones mentally corrected himself, the other two were laughing, and Spock was smiling. Bones turned to leave once again, when Scott spoke.
“I’ll take my leave, Jim. Leave you to the tender mercies of the good doctor.”
Bones just crossed his arms and stepped back out of Scott’s way. He looked down at the floor, waiting until he saw the boot clad feet of Scott walk past. He couldn’t resist a little glance up to watch the retreating back of the man.
“Dr. McCoy, may I enquire as to the nature of your disagreement with Lt. Commander Scott?”
“May you enquire?” Bones couldn’t believe what he had just heard.
“Yes,” Spock replied.
“Spock,” Jim said quietly, a warning evident in the tone. His hand had come up to touch Spock on the arm. Bones seethed a bit to see that touch.
“Keep out of it, Jim,” Bones warned right back. “And no, you may not enquire.”
“I feel that I must, as this appears to be a disagreement of some standing and as it has been indicated we shall all once again be serving on the Enterprise when repairs are complete, a disagreement of this nature between senior officers is not beneficial to the smooth running of a ship.”
“First he asks, and now he orders.” Bones threw his hands up in the air as he stalked over to where he felt most comfortable, reading the biobed panel.
“Spock, let it go,” Jim said.
“I said keep out of it, Jim, I don’t need your help either.”
“I am confused, Doctor, Jim. Is this some human ritual I am not aware of?”
“What?” Bones asked, in unison with Jim as he turned back to the other two men.
“Doctor McCoy is showing a marked impartiality for Mr. Scott and I have noted that the friendship between the two of you is also appearing...how did Nyota word it? Oh yes, strained. Your relationship is strained.”
“Our relationship is none of your goddamned business!” Bones declared, marching back over to Spock.
“Incorrect, doctor. As First Officer...”
Bones interrupted before Spock could continue. “Don’t you go quoting regulations at me. I know them perfectly well.”
“Leave it be, Spock. Everything is fine,” Jim added from his position standing shoulder to shoulder with Spock.
“Everything is always fine in Jim Kirk’s world,’ Bones grumbled out. “You want to quote regulations, why don’t you have a chat with Mr. Scott about him deciding that the Chief Medical Officer is not required when the Captain of the vessel is in medical distress. Why don’t you ask him about that instead?”
“If you are referring to the incident in the warp core breach, then it is Jim you should be referring your question to,” Spock said.
“What?” Bones was confused and yet, there had to be something up, as Jim was now glaring at Spock and shaking his head.
“Jim, Dr. McCoy is under the mistaken impression that Mr. Scott was responsible for not notifying him at the time about your injury when the order had come from you.”
“What?” Bones knew he was yelling, but there was something going on here he didn’t quite understand. Something that Spock and Jim knew, but that he had been left in the dark about.
A thought was poking at his mind, wanting to be heard and acknowledged but Bones didn’t dare to allow it to be true.
“You are not helping, Spock,” Jim said as he turned to face Spock fully, blocking Bones out.
“I respectfully disagree, Jim.” Spock was looking directly at him over Jim’s shoulder. “The doctor has ‘held a grudge for too long’ as you may express it and he should be informed of the facts as they pertain to that incident.”
“Spock, I am ordering you to be quiet,” Jim said. The tension in his shoulders and Bones heard the way Jim said it, as if it was through gritted teeth. It brought a feeling in the pit of his stomach like they were free falling toward Earth again.
“Jim, you didn’t want me there?”
“Not another word, Spock,” Jim got out as Spock opened his mouth to speak again. “You’ve said enough.”
“I do believe you are correct, Jim. I shall leave you two to finish this discussion. Doctor, Jim.” With a final look at Bones and a nod at Jim, Spock left the two of them alone. Jim still had his back to Bones, head slightly bowed down.
“You ordered Scotty not to call me?” Bones managed to whisper out.
Silence. Silence for an eternity as he waited for Jim to answer, hoping that Jim had heard the question as Bones did not want to repeat it and the anguish at the realization that Jim hadn’t wanted him near during his final moments.
“Yes,” Jim whispered back just as faintly. The word floated in the air before it was captured by Bones, captured and held tight in a feeling very like fear.
Tears welled up in his eyes as he reached forward and grabbed Jim’s arm, turning Jim around so that he faced him. “You didn’t want me there, Jim.” The horrible truth torn was from Bones’ throat. “You were dying and you didn’t want me there. Why? I thought we were friends?”
“Because it would have hurt too much. And you would have died.” Jim finally looked up at Bones, his own eyes awash with liquid.
Bones shook his head. “You were dying and you didn’t want me there!”
“You would have opened the door!” Jim yelled back.
“No.” Bones took a step back in horror at the idea, his hand dropping off of Jim. “No, I wouldn’t have.” He shook his head, but deep in his heart the idea took root. The truth of Jim’s confession a beat as consistent as his heart.
“Bones, don’t try and lie to me.” Jim stepped forward, following Bones. “Don’t deny that you would have gotten rid of the others, sealed the section off and opened that door.” Jim looked angry.
“I... I...”
“Bones, I couldn’t have you die too. I did it to save you all, to save you.”
Jim was the one touching him now, both hands on Bones’ arms. To hold Bones up, to stop him escaping--Bones didn’t know.
“I wouldn’t have,” Bones protested.
“Bones...you touch me all the time. You ground me with your touches. You need to touch. Could you stand to have a simple plane of glass between the two of us if I was dying?”
Bones looked away. “I wouldn’t know, Jim. You didn’t give me that chance.”
Jim gripped tighter, painfully. “I wouldn’t. I know you, Bones.”
“Spock knew. Scotty knew and you couldn’t tell me? You know what nearly killed me, Jim? Seeing you in my sickbay. Not being able to say goodbye. You cheated me out of that.”
“Bones, your father...”
“You bring my father into this, and so help me I’ll bring in yours. I’ll bring in Pike,” Bones warned him.
“No one can hurt me as much as you can, Bones,” Jim whispered as he raised a hand up to touch Bones ever so gently, with just the tip of his fingers on Bones’ cheek. A whisper of a touch, like a soft, warm breeze.
Bones felt branded to the depth of his soul with that touch. All his jealousy and anger and grief, a spark of something on every part of his skin that Jim touched.
“Stop being an ass to Scotty. He was just following orders.”
“I don’t forgive you, Jim,” Bones said.
The fingers dropped away, and Jim lowered his eyelids, hiding his eyes. Bones immediately regretted his words. He needed that touch back. He needed to see Jim again, see those eyes open, not closed and reminding him of the induced coma, of death.
“Jim,” Bones breathed out, leaning forward, drawn in by the invisible bonds that had wrapped themselves around the pair of them from almost the moment they had met. Destiny or whatever the other Spock wanted to call it. Jim was his and he was Jim’s.
Bones knew he needed to make the move, to touch and ground Jim, as he had countless times before. To assure himself that Jim was living and breathing. With a touch as slight as Jim had on him, Bones’ trembling fingers connected with Jim’s cheek and then slid up to cup, to hold Jim.
“Jim, please?” Bones whispered.
Jim opened his eyes and Bones’ heart stuttered at the pain he saw there. The rawness that Jim had been holding in since god knows when.
“I couldn’t, Bones. I couldn’t have you go, too. I was scared and I wanted you, but Spock...”
Bones lowered his eyes and moved to take his hand away. Jim’s hand came up to stop him.
“Spock is my friend, and he, I was scared and needed calm. You are many things Bones, but calm is not one of them.”
“I can be calm,” Bones protested, scowling at Jim. He had been remarkably calm with some of the hare brained schemes Jim got them into. He was sure of it.
Jim smiled at him, that little quirk of the lips. “I needed some Vulcan calmness.”
“Well, that I can’t help you with,” Bones found he was smiling back at Jim.
“If you aren’t going to forgive me, then I should see what else I can add to the ledger,” Jim said.
“What?” Bones asked, utterly confused at where Jim’s mind was headed now.
Jim moved his hand off of Bones’ and just smiled and waited. Bones wasn’t sure what was going on here, so he slowly lifted his own hand away, meaning to return it to his side, but Jim interlocked their fingers together. The sight of Jim’s fingers sliding through the gap of his, gripping and then adjusting to grip again, held Bones mesmerized. His own hand was partially lax, his fingers just extended, so he slowly closed them as well, to enclose them over Jim’s hand.
“Spock is my friend. He saved my life and he makes me a better Captain and a better person, but you, Bones. You are my friend too. You brought me back to life and you accept me for me. Always have. Not to say you don’t tell me off, but I need you in a different way that I need Spock.”
“So help me, Jim, if you say I complete you I will smack you.”
Jim huffed out a laugh before surprising the hell out of Bones.
Bones could only stare in wonder at Jim’s eyes so close and open before him. So close that their lips were touching. Jim was kissing him. A soft press of the lips, a little dry and chapped, but so, so soft. And so very, very welcome.
The feeling that Bones had been hiding from himself, the loss of this man, his friend. The jealously, the love was overwhelming him. He had lost Jim. He had got him back. And now there was this.
Slowly, Jim pulled away and Bones felt each movement as those lips were dragged off his own. A rough caress as he felt Jim’s breath ghost over his lips, causing him to shiver as it too was pulled away from him.
“No,” Bones promised as he used his other hand to cup Jim’s face again and guide him back.
A quick flick of his tongue over his lips to moisten them as he tilted his head and closed his eyes, all the better to feel. No longer was he afraid to lose sight of Jim. The hot, sweet ghosting breath of Jim’s was back and he was breathing him in as their lips touched, retreated and touched again. Sliding and pressing gently against each other, Bones mirrored the movement of their lips with the grip of his hand, sliding into Jim’s short hair, teasing fingers around the shell of his ear. He felt the warm flush of Jim’s face.
How had they come to this? Was it always to be? Bones sent the thoughts skittering away, sent his doubts flying as he concentrated on the touch, the heady feeling of the man under his hands. Their entwined fingers sliding and gripping, palms sweaty and heat, always heat between them.
“You still ain’t forgiven, Jim,” Bones whispered as he finally pulled away from the enticement of Jim.
“I know,” Jim whispered back, his eyes heavy lidded as he stared back. His own hand was pressing at the small of Bones’ back, the tip of his finger teasing at the juncture where Bones’ pants met his skin, the tremble in his hand noticeable. Jim leaned forward quickly to nip sharply at Bones’ bottom lip before he pulled back again to smile and whisper at Bones.
“But it’s a start.”
oOo
A/N: This is my own personal head canon as to why Scotty only called Spock down and not the CMO, Jim’s best friend. This has been percolating in my mind since I first saw Into Darkness.
Title from William Shakespeare's A Merchant of Venice
Beta: Many, many thanks to dizilla and aquila_star for beta duties
Rating: R
Word Count: 5,226
Pairings/Characters: Kirk/McCoy, Spock/Uhura, Scotty
Warnings: major spoilers for Star Trek Into Darkness under spoiler tags -[Spoiler (click to open)]Mention of Major Character Death, Angst, Jealousy
Disclaimer: Not mine, dammit!
Summary: A breath is a precious thing. Lives can be measured in each breath we take: when we hold them in, when we release them and finally when we breathe no more. If you hold your breath long enough, eventually nothing is left but breathless eagerness.
A/N: At the end as they contain spoilers.
Also over at AO3 here.
Bones paused a bit longer than he normally would at the nurses’ station, taking his time reading through the report on his PADD about Jim’s progress in his PT sessions. Jim had grumbled and complained and tried to flirt his way out of them with everyone, but he was in Starfleet Medical now and while Jim might be the savior of Earth and the Federation, twice, he was no Leonard McCoy. Medical miracles took precedence here and Bones was using that status for all it was worth, to finally make Jim stay still and recover properly for once.
That wasn’t the main reason Bones was loitering and getting pointed looks from the ward clerk. No, it was the presence of the Enterprise’s Chief Engineer in Jim’s room that was causing Bones to stay where he was.
Ever since the realization that Scott had called Spock down to the Warp Core and not him, Bones couldn’t stand to be within the same breathing space of the man. It didn’t matter to him that they were alive because of Montgomery Scott. It mattered to him that the next time Bones had seen Jim was when he pulled back the cover on the body bag and there was Kirk.
Jim like he never wanted to see him ever again. Lifeless.
Bones took a deep breath as the words on the report blurred a little in front of him. He pulled back the tears that were threatening to escape, blinked and surreptitiously scratched gently at the corner of his eye, as if he was checking for sleep or something. He repeated it with his other eye, holding his finger up to see the little glisten of moisture on the tip of it. He rubbed it off with his thumb, making the moisture disappear from sight,into his skin as if it had never happened and he had absorbed all the emotion back into himself. A strong Scottish accent had him looking in the direction of Jim’s room again.
Scott was standing in the doorway, obviously making his farewells, his visit over. There was laughter that had Bones grinding his teeth a little as he turned his back to the room once more and leaned against the counter, all the better to pretend to continue to read about Jim’s “excellent” progress.
The minute ticked by as if it were ten; Bones watching the little clock on the PADD counting his anger out for him. With a deep breath and a check over his shoulder that the coast was clear, he turned around and walked over to Jim’s room.
oOo
His patience was tested again when the core Enterprise officers were called in for a debriefing. His rank denoted that he was seated next to Scott and the affability of the man had Bones’ fingers itching for a hypospray and access to a couple of nice little viruses. He ignored the pointed looks he was getting from the man with every rebuff he made to Scott’s attempts to be pleasant.
At least he had entered the room by Jim’s side, hovering in a way that he knew was going to annoy Jim, but the man couldn’t do a lot about it. Bones had threatened the possibility of a wheelchair if Jim didn’t let Bones escort him in, at least.
While all the officers had gathered round Jim as soon as they had spotted him, Bones took his time extricating himself from the happy bunch. The lot of them were acting like they hadn’t seen Jim in years, when the fact of the matter was that all of them had been a constant parade in and out of Jim’s room. Bones hardly had a moment of Jim to himself since they had transferred down to San Francisco. He was glad for the crew coming and keeping Jim busy and entertained. The man would have gone insane if he was stuck in that room with limited things to keep him occupied and Bones was adamant he wasn’t going to leave until Bones was good and ready to let him go.
Starfleet had deemed that the augments were to be put back to cryosleep and stored in a secure facility. The news did not sit well with the crew. For once, Jim was the one who was the most reticent and had Bones watching him carefully for signs of fatigue. Bones had his own thoughts about losing any potential medical advances to be made studying the augments. He resolved to bring it up with the superiors at Starfleet Medical. His attention here and now was focused on Jim.
“Doctor, your unusual silence on the matter of the augments has been noted,” Spock said quietly from just behind Bones. The briefing had finished and the crew were once again around Jim, chattering like magpies, so, Spock’s quiet appearance to speak to Bones had him jumping just like his Great-Aunt Enid if the devil had tapped her on the shoulder during the middle of a sermon.
“Don’t see how there is much we can do. They said it was an au fait accompli,” Bones replied as he turned to face Spock. “Jim was quiet too.”
“Indeed, I noted that...Jim was not as loquacious as is his normal speech.”
Bones raised his eyebrow at the pause before Spock called Jim, ‘Jim’ as well as the other word in that sentence. “Loquacious is he? You been at the thesaurus again?”
“Doctor, all Vulcans are raised with the expectation to master language in all its forms.”
Bones glared at him, a little unsure if he had just been insulted or not. He erred on the side that he had; experience told him so.
“Jim’s had enough. I’m taking him back to the hospital.”
On that note, Bones turned away and marched through the crowd, ignoring the protests from his fellow officers and especially from Jim. A quiet little threat to call the orderlies had Jim glaring and pouting but finally saying his goodbyes. Bones ground his teeth together when Scott announced he would follow along too.
“He has medical tests to be done, no visitors,” Bones declared as he frog-marched Jim toward the doors.
“No I don’t,” Jim protested. “And what’s with the leaving. I’m getting sick of that room.”
“You’ll stay in that damn room, ‘til I say otherwise.”
“I liked you better when you were nicer to me.”
“I’m always nice.” Bones glared at Jim.
Jim tried an eyebrow raise himself and at the comical head tilt he made when trying to get the eyebrow to move further up, Bones couldn’t help laughing for a moment. “Brat.”
oOo
The one visitor Bones couldn’t bar from Jim’s room was Spock. It was almost as if the man had moved in with the number of times Bones came into the room and find him there. Bones wondered what Nyota thought of this new close friendship development with Jim and Spock, thick as thieves, until he came upon her one day sitting in a corner reading something on a PADD while Spock sat next to Jim’s bed, engaged in a highly competitive game of 3D chess.
He flashed a smile of greeting in Nyota’s direction before heading over to check the biobed display. The serum blood transfusion was still at a tricky stage. At any moment, Jim’s body could still try and reject it, even though it had been weeks since the first transfusion and everything was reading clear. Bones didn’t want to take a chance and lose the man again. Not on his watch. It was going to be a full seven weeks before his body completely replaced the augment blood serum that was there.
Bones rolled his eyes as Jim and Spock’s discussion returned to their little, “you saved me”, “no, you saved me”, tit for tat discussion that regularly happened. Sometimes he really wanted to just slap Jim upside the head and point out that if Spock had gone about what he really wanted to do, Jim would still be dead. Bones glanced over to see Nyota’s reaction to her part in Jim’s saving being ignored.
What he discovered was a fond smile on her face as she watched the two men. Bones didn’t understand it. Nyota was a proud woman, very forthright in her accomplishments, which were many, and to see her sitting back and happily being ignored confused Bones no end.
Bones walked back over to the door and motioned for Nyota to join him outside the room. She nodded and stood with her usual elegance. Once out in the corridor, he made sure they were far enough away from the room so as not to be overheard.
“Yes, Leonard? Is it something about Jim?” Nyota looked a little worried.
“No, he’s fine, more than fine,” Bones complained.
“So?”
“Doesn’t it bother you?” Bones finally managed to express what had been eating at him ever since Jim had woken up.
“You mean Spock and the Captain?” Nyota was giving him that indulgent smile again and Bones wasn’t sure if he liked it or not.
“Yes. No. I mean the fact that they only think they saved each other and what you and I did is of no mind.”
“Oh,” Nyota said as she looked down at the ground. “Yes, but Spock has lost so much and this has given him hope. You understand hope, Leonard. So I let them be for the moment. There’s time enough for Jim to come to his senses later. I would have thought you would not want him stressed greatly?”
“Well, I don’t like it,” Bones ground out as he glared back in the direction of the room.
“It will be fine,” Nyota said as she gently patted Bones on the shoulder. “Jim trusts you beyond anything.”
Nyota walked back into the room, leaving Bones with conflicted thoughts.
“I still don’t like it,” he grumbled as he walked off to deal with other less annoying patients.
oOo
The next time Bones found Scott in Jim’s room, he was sorely tempted to just flat out order him out, under the reasoning that he made Jim too excitable. Bones was thwarted though, as accompanying Scott were Chekov and Keenser. Bones didn’t have the heart to say anything while Chekov was around. The boy had been devastated with Jim’s death and had kept as physically far away from Kirk’s body as he could. While Bones knew that a lot of what happened in the moments just after Kirk’s body had been brought into the sickbay he couldn’t remember or just plain didn’t notice, there had been something about the way Chekov was there and didn’t want to be that resonated with Bones.
He felt the unshed tears welling up again, so with only a cursory nod to others and Jim he did a quick check of the panel, not really seeing the readings at all before heading out of the room.
“Doctor,” he heard called out. He thought about it for a moment, just to continue walking and ignore that Scottish accent, but he knew that wouldn’t stop the man. He stopped but didn’t turn around.
“You have been a wee bit stand-offish of late. We have missed your presence at our little gatherings,” Scott said as he came to stand next to him.
“I’ve been busy.” Bones finally relented and looked at the man who had his typical ‘I’m completely at home with everything in the world’ look on his face. Bones just wanted to punch it. Hard. But, he was a doctor, not a pugilist.
“So have we all, but it would be nice to see you again. The others would appreciate an update on the Captain, I am sure. And, I have spotted a nice bottle of scotch behind the bar that I think you would appreciate.”
“As I said, I’m busy and none of you need an update, what with y’all coming in and out like there’s a damn revolving door.” Bones nodded and started walking away again, the conversation over as far as he was concerned.
“Leonard,” Scott called out as he grabbed at Bones’ arm.
“Let go, Lieutenant Commander,” Bones snarled.
Scott let go as requested but his chin went up as he started to speak again. “See, that’s what I mean. I dinna know what I did, but you are unhappy as you keep calling me by my title. I do have a name.”
“What you did? You want to know what you did? Well, I can tell you what you did,” Bones said as he stepped right into the personal space of Scott and poked his finger into Scott’s chest. “A sick and injured Captain and you call down the Acting Captain, Spock. Not me! That’s what you did and for that I don’t want to speak to you and I don’t want see you. I will when I have to, but beyond that, no, it ain’t gonna happen.”
Bones took a deep breath. All that had been bottled up for so long and to get it out finally wasn’t as cathartic as he thought it might be. He was still tense, waiting for the explanation or the apology from the Chief Engineer.
“Well, okay then,” Scott said as he stepped back. “Right, I can...well, yes. Doctor.”
Bones stood there stupefied that Scott was walking away back into Jim’s room. No explanation. No apology. He just left Bones there, standing in the corridor. Alone.
oOo
It was evening when Bones did another of his rounds through Jim’s ward. He had steered clear until he was sure that the others would have left. Jim was up and walking around now, and Bones gave a quick glance into his room as he walked past. Jim was standing up and looking out the window at the faintly glittering lights of the city that were visible to him. Bones kept walking, off to the nurses’ station to get the reports on those he was there to see who were not Jim.
“Bones,” Jim called out.
“Yeah?” Bones asked as he turned around.
“Haven’t seen you today,” Jim said as he leaned back against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest. No more the white hospital gown for him, he was back in his blacks.
“You had plenty of visitors,” Bones replied.
Jim was just staring at him, that little smile playing around the corner of his lips. It wouldn’t take much, just a thought somewhere in Jim’s mind and it would turn into a full blown smirk that Bones had learned to avoid at all costs.
“Well I don’t now, so come visit.” Jim walked back into his room, leaving Bones the choice of just standing there, or following. It was really no choice at all.
“So I’m visiting,” Bones said as he walked in to see Jim sitting on the edge of his bed, one leg idly swinging.
Jim laughed at him. “Scotty told me you were a bit upset earlier.”
Bones narrowed his eyes. “He did, did he? Couldn’t wait to go running off to tattle to daddy. Did he also go running off to Spock too?”
“You can be an ass at times,” Jim said, completely calm, which just made Bones’ blood boil.
“I’m the ass? I’m the one that saved your life and I might have been able to even earlier, but no, Mr. Scott had to go and call your boyfriend down instead.”
“My what? Don’t let Nyota hear you say that.” Jim had gotten off the bed but he still had that calm smirk on his face that Bones just wanted to wipe off of it.
“He’s here enough. I can’t enter the damn room without him being around all the time. It’s sickening listening to you two lovebirds.”
“I know you helped, Bones, and I...I just, you know...”
“I helped? Lord preserve me. I was the one who was stuck making a serum that had never been done before, then fighting for every goddamn inch with your body to accept the damn thing and let it work. So don’t tell me I ain’t allowed to be a little annoyed. Spock helped, but only ‘cause Nyota stopped him. Without her and without me telling them to catch the son of a bitch, so, next time you coo away at that boyfriend about him saving your skinny ass, think about that. He would have killed him and you would still be dead if it wasn’t for me and if it wasn’t for Nyota.”
Bones found that he was inches away from Jim. At some stage he had moved so close that all he could see was that bright blue of Jim’s eyes, blue so bright that it was almost inhuman. A movement out the corner of his eye caught his attention, Jim’s hand lifting up and hovering in the air, a moment away from touching Bones.
The charged air was too much and the need and desire and fear of that touch had Bones taking a step back.
“Jim. I...I wasn’t there,” Bones whispered out.
For once Jim remained silent, eerily so. His hand still there in the air. Bones couldn’t take it, or the look of pity he thought he saw in Jim’s eyes. He took the coward’s way out, leaving the room at speed.
oOo
Jim pretended that everything was bright and brilliant with the world over the next week or so. Bones knew that act well. He let it go.
Other times he might have said something, pulled Jim aside, but not now. Now...now it was back to professionalism, and throwing himself into his work and when not at work, researching and writing up his papers. That was enough for him. He had his colleagues for socializing quietly and occasionally he would see Nyota around and they would catch up for a coffee or three over an afternoon. She would let him know about the rest of the crew and what they were up to with their placements while the Enterprise was being repaired. She and Carol had become friends and through her, Bones provided some recommendations for Carol’s friend Chapel, who was going through nursing training.
All was good and calm and then the person who should keep things that way made it all go to hell.
Bones walked into the room to find Spock and Scott there with Jim, laughing over something the three of them were looking at on a PADD. Bones mentally corrected himself, the other two were laughing, and Spock was smiling. Bones turned to leave once again, when Scott spoke.
“I’ll take my leave, Jim. Leave you to the tender mercies of the good doctor.”
Bones just crossed his arms and stepped back out of Scott’s way. He looked down at the floor, waiting until he saw the boot clad feet of Scott walk past. He couldn’t resist a little glance up to watch the retreating back of the man.
“Dr. McCoy, may I enquire as to the nature of your disagreement with Lt. Commander Scott?”
“May you enquire?” Bones couldn’t believe what he had just heard.
“Yes,” Spock replied.
“Spock,” Jim said quietly, a warning evident in the tone. His hand had come up to touch Spock on the arm. Bones seethed a bit to see that touch.
“Keep out of it, Jim,” Bones warned right back. “And no, you may not enquire.”
“I feel that I must, as this appears to be a disagreement of some standing and as it has been indicated we shall all once again be serving on the Enterprise when repairs are complete, a disagreement of this nature between senior officers is not beneficial to the smooth running of a ship.”
“First he asks, and now he orders.” Bones threw his hands up in the air as he stalked over to where he felt most comfortable, reading the biobed panel.
“Spock, let it go,” Jim said.
“I said keep out of it, Jim, I don’t need your help either.”
“I am confused, Doctor, Jim. Is this some human ritual I am not aware of?”
“What?” Bones asked, in unison with Jim as he turned back to the other two men.
“Doctor McCoy is showing a marked impartiality for Mr. Scott and I have noted that the friendship between the two of you is also appearing...how did Nyota word it? Oh yes, strained. Your relationship is strained.”
“Our relationship is none of your goddamned business!” Bones declared, marching back over to Spock.
“Incorrect, doctor. As First Officer...”
Bones interrupted before Spock could continue. “Don’t you go quoting regulations at me. I know them perfectly well.”
“Leave it be, Spock. Everything is fine,” Jim added from his position standing shoulder to shoulder with Spock.
“Everything is always fine in Jim Kirk’s world,’ Bones grumbled out. “You want to quote regulations, why don’t you have a chat with Mr. Scott about him deciding that the Chief Medical Officer is not required when the Captain of the vessel is in medical distress. Why don’t you ask him about that instead?”
“If you are referring to the incident in the warp core breach, then it is Jim you should be referring your question to,” Spock said.
“What?” Bones was confused and yet, there had to be something up, as Jim was now glaring at Spock and shaking his head.
“Jim, Dr. McCoy is under the mistaken impression that Mr. Scott was responsible for not notifying him at the time about your injury when the order had come from you.”
“What?” Bones knew he was yelling, but there was something going on here he didn’t quite understand. Something that Spock and Jim knew, but that he had been left in the dark about.
A thought was poking at his mind, wanting to be heard and acknowledged but Bones didn’t dare to allow it to be true.
“You are not helping, Spock,” Jim said as he turned to face Spock fully, blocking Bones out.
“I respectfully disagree, Jim.” Spock was looking directly at him over Jim’s shoulder. “The doctor has ‘held a grudge for too long’ as you may express it and he should be informed of the facts as they pertain to that incident.”
“Spock, I am ordering you to be quiet,” Jim said. The tension in his shoulders and Bones heard the way Jim said it, as if it was through gritted teeth. It brought a feeling in the pit of his stomach like they were free falling toward Earth again.
“Jim, you didn’t want me there?”
“Not another word, Spock,” Jim got out as Spock opened his mouth to speak again. “You’ve said enough.”
“I do believe you are correct, Jim. I shall leave you two to finish this discussion. Doctor, Jim.” With a final look at Bones and a nod at Jim, Spock left the two of them alone. Jim still had his back to Bones, head slightly bowed down.
“You ordered Scotty not to call me?” Bones managed to whisper out.
Silence. Silence for an eternity as he waited for Jim to answer, hoping that Jim had heard the question as Bones did not want to repeat it and the anguish at the realization that Jim hadn’t wanted him near during his final moments.
“Yes,” Jim whispered back just as faintly. The word floated in the air before it was captured by Bones, captured and held tight in a feeling very like fear.
Tears welled up in his eyes as he reached forward and grabbed Jim’s arm, turning Jim around so that he faced him. “You didn’t want me there, Jim.” The horrible truth torn was from Bones’ throat. “You were dying and you didn’t want me there. Why? I thought we were friends?”
“Because it would have hurt too much. And you would have died.” Jim finally looked up at Bones, his own eyes awash with liquid.
Bones shook his head. “You were dying and you didn’t want me there!”
“You would have opened the door!” Jim yelled back.
“No.” Bones took a step back in horror at the idea, his hand dropping off of Jim. “No, I wouldn’t have.” He shook his head, but deep in his heart the idea took root. The truth of Jim’s confession a beat as consistent as his heart.
“Bones, don’t try and lie to me.” Jim stepped forward, following Bones. “Don’t deny that you would have gotten rid of the others, sealed the section off and opened that door.” Jim looked angry.
“I... I...”
“Bones, I couldn’t have you die too. I did it to save you all, to save you.”
Jim was the one touching him now, both hands on Bones’ arms. To hold Bones up, to stop him escaping--Bones didn’t know.
“I wouldn’t have,” Bones protested.
“Bones...you touch me all the time. You ground me with your touches. You need to touch. Could you stand to have a simple plane of glass between the two of us if I was dying?”
Bones looked away. “I wouldn’t know, Jim. You didn’t give me that chance.”
Jim gripped tighter, painfully. “I wouldn’t. I know you, Bones.”
“Spock knew. Scotty knew and you couldn’t tell me? You know what nearly killed me, Jim? Seeing you in my sickbay. Not being able to say goodbye. You cheated me out of that.”
“Bones, your father...”
“You bring my father into this, and so help me I’ll bring in yours. I’ll bring in Pike,” Bones warned him.
“No one can hurt me as much as you can, Bones,” Jim whispered as he raised a hand up to touch Bones ever so gently, with just the tip of his fingers on Bones’ cheek. A whisper of a touch, like a soft, warm breeze.
Bones felt branded to the depth of his soul with that touch. All his jealousy and anger and grief, a spark of something on every part of his skin that Jim touched.
“Stop being an ass to Scotty. He was just following orders.”
“I don’t forgive you, Jim,” Bones said.
The fingers dropped away, and Jim lowered his eyelids, hiding his eyes. Bones immediately regretted his words. He needed that touch back. He needed to see Jim again, see those eyes open, not closed and reminding him of the induced coma, of death.
“Jim,” Bones breathed out, leaning forward, drawn in by the invisible bonds that had wrapped themselves around the pair of them from almost the moment they had met. Destiny or whatever the other Spock wanted to call it. Jim was his and he was Jim’s.
Bones knew he needed to make the move, to touch and ground Jim, as he had countless times before. To assure himself that Jim was living and breathing. With a touch as slight as Jim had on him, Bones’ trembling fingers connected with Jim’s cheek and then slid up to cup, to hold Jim.
“Jim, please?” Bones whispered.
Jim opened his eyes and Bones’ heart stuttered at the pain he saw there. The rawness that Jim had been holding in since god knows when.
“I couldn’t, Bones. I couldn’t have you go, too. I was scared and I wanted you, but Spock...”
Bones lowered his eyes and moved to take his hand away. Jim’s hand came up to stop him.
“Spock is my friend, and he, I was scared and needed calm. You are many things Bones, but calm is not one of them.”
“I can be calm,” Bones protested, scowling at Jim. He had been remarkably calm with some of the hare brained schemes Jim got them into. He was sure of it.
Jim smiled at him, that little quirk of the lips. “I needed some Vulcan calmness.”
“Well, that I can’t help you with,” Bones found he was smiling back at Jim.
“If you aren’t going to forgive me, then I should see what else I can add to the ledger,” Jim said.
“What?” Bones asked, utterly confused at where Jim’s mind was headed now.
Jim moved his hand off of Bones’ and just smiled and waited. Bones wasn’t sure what was going on here, so he slowly lifted his own hand away, meaning to return it to his side, but Jim interlocked their fingers together. The sight of Jim’s fingers sliding through the gap of his, gripping and then adjusting to grip again, held Bones mesmerized. His own hand was partially lax, his fingers just extended, so he slowly closed them as well, to enclose them over Jim’s hand.
“Spock is my friend. He saved my life and he makes me a better Captain and a better person, but you, Bones. You are my friend too. You brought me back to life and you accept me for me. Always have. Not to say you don’t tell me off, but I need you in a different way that I need Spock.”
“So help me, Jim, if you say I complete you I will smack you.”
Jim huffed out a laugh before surprising the hell out of Bones.
Bones could only stare in wonder at Jim’s eyes so close and open before him. So close that their lips were touching. Jim was kissing him. A soft press of the lips, a little dry and chapped, but so, so soft. And so very, very welcome.
The feeling that Bones had been hiding from himself, the loss of this man, his friend. The jealously, the love was overwhelming him. He had lost Jim. He had got him back. And now there was this.
Slowly, Jim pulled away and Bones felt each movement as those lips were dragged off his own. A rough caress as he felt Jim’s breath ghost over his lips, causing him to shiver as it too was pulled away from him.
“No,” Bones promised as he used his other hand to cup Jim’s face again and guide him back.
A quick flick of his tongue over his lips to moisten them as he tilted his head and closed his eyes, all the better to feel. No longer was he afraid to lose sight of Jim. The hot, sweet ghosting breath of Jim’s was back and he was breathing him in as their lips touched, retreated and touched again. Sliding and pressing gently against each other, Bones mirrored the movement of their lips with the grip of his hand, sliding into Jim’s short hair, teasing fingers around the shell of his ear. He felt the warm flush of Jim’s face.
How had they come to this? Was it always to be? Bones sent the thoughts skittering away, sent his doubts flying as he concentrated on the touch, the heady feeling of the man under his hands. Their entwined fingers sliding and gripping, palms sweaty and heat, always heat between them.
“You still ain’t forgiven, Jim,” Bones whispered as he finally pulled away from the enticement of Jim.
“I know,” Jim whispered back, his eyes heavy lidded as he stared back. His own hand was pressing at the small of Bones’ back, the tip of his finger teasing at the juncture where Bones’ pants met his skin, the tremble in his hand noticeable. Jim leaned forward quickly to nip sharply at Bones’ bottom lip before he pulled back again to smile and whisper at Bones.
“But it’s a start.”
oOo
A/N: This is my own personal head canon as to why Scotty only called Spock down and not the CMO, Jim’s best friend. This has been percolating in my mind since I first saw Into Darkness.
Title from William Shakespeare's A Merchant of Venice