Fic: Be my...
Title: Be my...
Beta: Many, many thanks to dizilla and aquila_star for the very quick beta duties
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4,286
Pairings/Characters: Kirk/McCoy, Spock/Uhura, OCs
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: Not mine, dammit!
Summary: If you need a message of love to be written, don't ask Jim Kirk or Leonard McCoy to do it.
A/N: This was inspired by the wonderful art from anaeolist, which you can see here.
There are a few hints to Valentine things in the story and the Lupercalia festival from roman times that was held on the 13 and 14 February. Enjoy!
Also over at AO3 here.
“Jim,” Leonard barked out. “For heaven’s sake, put your ass down in that chair.”
Jim stopped his pacing to glare at Leonard.
“You need to learn some patience,” Leonard pointed out.
“I hate this waiting,” Jim finally said before he resumed his pacing back and forth across the small anteroom they had been directed to.
“I know, but I’m getting tired just watching you walking back and forth.”
“Too bad,” was Jim’s only response.
Leonard resisted rolling his eyes at his friend and captain and instead focused on the view out of the small window. Jim could and would sit still and show off the patience that the year as captain of Starfleet’s flagship had taught him, but every now and then a mission would come along that would test him. That it was this seemingly easy one causing Jim to show signs of impatience had Leonard a little concerned. It might mean that something else was up. Leonard started to think back to what might have caused Jim’s equanimity to falter.
The last two missions had resulted in casualties, but no loss of life. Leonard had already helped Jim in composing the first messages he had ever had to write notifying the loved ones of the crew who had died on his first watch, and it had been difficult, something Leonard knew he himself would never get used to. But that was not the case here. It obviously wasn’t a recent mission loss, and Leonard couldn’t think of anything out of the ordinary that had happened onboard for the last week or two.
He might have to check with Spock, when he and Uhura returned from the meeting with the Terni and Dius representatives to ascertain if Spock had noticed anything. Leonard wasn’t looking forward to that conversation. Also, Jim wasn’t that ego driven that the request from the locals to speak with Spock and Uhura with some new issue, instead of him, would not have set him off like this either.
The Feast of Calia was a fourteen day festival revolving around fertility and love which they had been invited to beam down to. They arrived in the middle of festival and this was just one more thing to add to Starfleet’s database.
It was because of something that had occurred at this feast amongst the locals that the representatives wished to speak to Spock and Uhura alone as they were the only ‘couple’ on the away team. That left Jim and Leonard cooling their heels in this anteroom while the other two tried to find out why the ongoing diplomatic talks had been put on hold.
The view of the small town with its compact buildings reminded Leonard of the small towns back in Georgia where the tight urban sprawl gave way to the nature beyond. This planet, Luper XIII was important in this quadrant for its mineral wealth, but also for the respect and diplomacy of its people. Leonard’s musings were cut short by the return of Spock and Uhura.
“Well?” Jim asked even before the door had closed. Leonard began carefully watching for signs of further agitation from Jim.
“A disagreement has arisen between the two ruling families, Captain,” Spock said. “They are asking for our assistance to minimize the conflict.”
“Did they ask anything specific or are we to just make a guess at what the help should be?” Jim asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Jim’s tone was just this side of snide, Leonard noted, which was pretty unusual for Jim.
“They did indeed, Captain,” Spock replied.
Jim stared at Spock, waiting to see if Spock was going to enlighten them any further. Leonard decided to head off an explosion of temper from Jim by deflecting attention to himself.
“Care to elaborate further, Spock?”
“They have requested that we partake in the rituals of the Feast of Calia.”
Leonard noted that Uhura had moved closer to Spock and her fingers had reached out to gently touch his wrist. Whatever this request was, Uhura was aware that Spock was a little perturbed about it. Leonard had learned more about the emotionless computer in vulcan form by watching how Uhura reacted to him.
“Did they say what these rituals would be?”
“The Feast of Calia is where those who are unbonded make known their desires to be bonded,” Uhura explained and Leonard got the feeling she was quoting directly from the locals. “Also those who are currently bonded can make known their pleasure at being so. Those that are usually afeared to say things aloud can put their thoughts to words.”
“I thought these people were known for their diplomacy and their talk?” Leonard asked, confused a little by what Uhura had said. “They can’t tell each other they like someone except during these fourteen days?”
“It is the public declaration that is only restricted to these fourteen days, Leonard. My observations are that there is considerable affection and caring between bonded couples already.”
“How do they ‘make known their desires’?” Jim asked, frowning a little.
“The large chalice in the town square is where the messages are left and collected.”
“So we put a message in there and they will be happy and we can get back to the talks? I don’t see how this caused such a stink. Let’s get some paper and put a message in there, then.” Jim moved toward the door but was stopped by Spock holding up a hand.
“They will not resume the talks until our messages have been placed and received by the intended recipient.”
Leonard finally started to understand why Spock was perturbed by the notion of them each putting a message of love down in writing. Spock and Uhura could easily place a message to each other but that then left him and Jim. They either had to write to each other, or pick a random townsperson to receive a message. The wooing of a local was out of the question, so that left he and Jim leaving a message for each other.
“I don’t see how this is such a problem, Spock,” Jim said. “Obviously you two are covered and it’s not like Bones and I aren’t familiar with each other. I mean...” Jim waved his hand in the air, as his speech petered out.
“I understand, captain.” Spock held up his hand once again.
Leonard had never seen Jim so flustered before.
“It’s not as simple as that, Jim,” Uhura said. “Once a message has been collected, it is brought to the main hall. The chalice there is where the message is delivered and if the message was not written with a true intent, or true feelings behind it, then the chalice there will not accept the message.”
“Oh, great,” Leonard complained. “We get to drop some words into a goblet and some hocus pocus tells us if it’s true love or not? Can’t they handle trusting their own instincts?”
“I am a little unsure of the wording they used, so I would like to talk to them again to clarify?” Uhura asked Jim for permission. “I’m not sure if they did intend for it to be entirely about love and desire. From some of the conversations I overheard earlier, I think they use it as a way of clearing the air regarding other issues as well.”
“Was it one of those other issues that is holding this up?” Jim asked.
“No, it appears that one of the young men of the Terni placed a message for one of the Duis, which was accepted. The Terni and Duis have an antagonistic relationship for all their vaunted diplomacy. It stretches back at least a century from what I can gather,” Uhura said.
“Oh great, a love sick Romeo and Juliet story. That ended well the first time,” Jim grumbled. “Go Uhura, find out some more. In the meantime, Spock please request some writing implements so we can get started on these ‘true feeling’ messages.”
“Yes, Captain.”
Leonard held his tongue until Spock and Uhura had once again left.
“What kind of foolishness is this? ‘True intent’? Jim, this can’t end well.”
“Starfleet’s gotta do what it’s gotta do,” was Jim’s reply as he walked away from Leonard to stand and stare out the window.
With a sigh, Leonard sat back down in the chair and waited for Spock and Uhura to return. His view never wavered from the tense set of shoulders of his best friend.
oOo
It had been one of the hardest set of words Leonard had ever written in his life. Uhura had made sure that Jim understood that the meaning had to be about something he loved or desired from Leonard. Jim had laughed and looked relaxed again. Whatever had disturbed him before had apparently been alleviated and he now made jokes about the ‘love sickness’ of the people of Luper XIII. But love was no laughing matter and Leonard knew that the hard way.
What made it worse was that once they had placed their messages into the chalice in the town square, they were informed they had to leave them there a day, at least, before they could come back and collect them. At least the Terni and the Duis agreed to continue with negotiations in the meantime. Leonard was finally able to get the information on the successful treatments for the arthritis-like disease they had recently cured, which was why he was on the away team in the first place.
They beamed back on board to the ship for the evening, and when Leonard suggested eating a meal together, Jim made his excuses about catching up on all his reports instead. Jim was back to his normal self, smiling and laughing after a successful talk down on the planet, so Leonard thought nothing of it. Instead, his thoughts were occupied with wondering if he had concealed his feelings appropriately, while remaining true enough in his message to Jim to satisfy the chalice.
oOo
“So let me get this straight, we have to fish in that thing.” Leonard pointed to the large glass chalice sitting on a pedestal in the center of the town square. “And then we have to read it and if we accept the message, we go in there and drop it in the other one. But we aren’t allowed to show any of you the message or even see each other taking the message?”
“Correct, doctor,” Spock replied.
“Well ain’t that just quaint, bless their hearts.”
Leonard knew that his dislike of the situation wasn’t hidden from Jim with the snort of laughter he gave.
“Captain, we are supposed to be solemn.” Uhura looked around to check and see if the townspeople had noticed Jim’s lack of decorum.
“Bit hard when he get’s all ‘Southern’.” Jim tried to excuse his behaviour with a smile.
“Heavens preserve us,” Leonard muttered as he looked out the doorway and to the sky.
“I shall go first,” Spock said, before turning quickly and walking out of the room. The door closed on the sight of Spock walking in his calm measured gait toward the chalice glinting in the light of the sun.
Jim looked at Uhura and was about to speak when Leonard slapped his hand over his mouth.
“Just don’t, Jim,” Leonard warned before dropping his hand back down again.
“I was just going to...”
“Get your ass kicked by Uhura,” Leonard interrupted.
Uhura’s lovely laugh, sounding like what Leonard had always imagined sunshine would sound like, reverberated around the little room.
“I won’t tell you what I wrote,” she said. “And I can be even more stubborn about that than my first name.”
“See,” Leonard pointed out.
“You two are no fun,” Jim complained, but never received a response to his complaint as the door opened again and it was Jim who was requested to retrieve a message from the chalice this time.
“It will be okay, Leonard,” Uhura said once the door had closed again.
“‘True intent’, hah! I was never that good at expressing myself. Failed marriage, remember?” Leonard pointed out.
“And yet I can list the exact number of relationships you had at the Academy and they are not in single digits.”
“They all turned out so well.”
“Yet, you and Jim are still friends. You care about each other. I know that, so whatever you wrote would be true to your feelings for each other.”
Leonard looked closely at the woman who was admired by almost every crew member on board the ship. The caring and understanding she had made her such an outstanding communication officer, above and beyond her technical abilities. He shook his head at her, a little embarrassed to have his insecurity read so easily, although he appreciated that she had waited until it was just the two of them. A smile to her was his thanks as the door once more opened and it was Uhura’s turn.
Left alone with his thoughts, he wondered what Jim had thought of his words. No words of love or devotion felt right to express what he felt for the man. They all felt too small and inadequate. Instead he did something he was now regretting. He ranted at Jim via written words. He had thought back to their first meeting on the shuttle and the words he had said then to hide his fear, plus Jim’s recent dismissal of love. After he had written them he hadn’t quite thought about what Jim’s reaction would be. He just knew he couldn’t admit that he loved Jim more than he had ever felt for anyone else. He knew the heartache of losing someone who he had loved not even half as much as he felt for Jim. So a lecture and a rant was his ‘true intent’ instead.
The door opened once more, and Leonard blinked as his eyes adjusted to the sunlight outside. He focussed on the chalice in front of him and tried to ignore the townspeople who had gathered to witness the visitors partake in one of their most sacred rituals. The closer he got, the more he felt his palms sweat until he was standing and looking down into the chalice. Many folded pieces of paper with names written on them were lying there, waiting for the right person to select them. With a deep breath, he reached in and pushed the papers around, remembering the feel of something that was so rare back home. The smell of an old book wafted up to him, bringing him back to his childhood and the reverence that his father had as he had held a book out to him. He blinked back a tear at the memory of his father, now lost to him, and then he saw his name on one of the pieces of paper. Not the name his mother and father had given him, but the one that Jim had. A new name at the start of a new time in his life.
Leonard cursed inwardly at himself at the stupid maudlin thoughts running through his head. He picked up the paper and then opened it.
“Oh, you infant! This might get us kicked off planet with no agreement,” he murmured as he read the words written inside.
‘You could handle me. That’s an invitation, Jim.’
“This way Doctor McCoy,” Helo Dius said as he pointed toward the open door of the town hall.
Leonard followed the man across the square and into the hall, making a point of not looking for Jim. Ahead was the matching chalice and Leonard took a deep breath as he looked down at the folded paper in his hand. With a muttered, “Here goes nothing,” he dropped it in. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, some puff of smoke or something. Instead there was only a little red glow at the base of the chalice and then the message was gone.
“It has been accepted,” Helo Dius said in a voice that carried around the hall. “Our friends from Starfleet have been accepted to Calia. Their hearts are true and intentions clear. We will now sign the mark of friendship, and we look forward to it continuing.”
Leonard finally looked around, searching for Jim, and there he was, standing at the side flanked by Spock and Uhura. Leonard felt a little self-conscious standing there but he wasn’t sure if it would be rude to leave, so he stayed in place, staring at Jim who was looking as expressionless as Leonard had ever seen him.
“Their willingness to accept our ways and our invitation is a lesson to us,” Helo continued and Leonard noticed he was looking at a young couple holding hands, Tine and Valen, standing near to the Away team. “That which has always been so should be put aside in the name of love. It is what makes our lives greater and to deny it is to deny our true selves.”
The cheers from the assembled people had Leonard hoping that the talking was over and they could go home soon. He had a Captain to smack upside the head for his ‘true intentions’.
“Come,” Helo was now pointing at a table where a PADD and the large paper agreement was laid out.
As Leonard joined Jim, Uhura and Spock, Jim leaned over and whispered, “Not now, Bones. Play nice.”
“I’m always nice,” Leonard said back.
After that, there was no real chance to talk. There was signing on the PADD and then on the paper. While Luper XIII had the technology to develop PADDs, they had chosen to still use paper and Leonard couldn’t begrudge them quirk.
Jim made a pretty little speech, accepted some gifts on behalf of Luper XIII and passed on some in return from the Federation. Then they were bidding the locals farewell and the request to beam back to the ship was given.
“Jim,” Leonard said as Jim hopped off the transporter pad.
“Later, Bones. Captainly things to do.”
Leonard was left glaring at the empty doorway and Scotty who just had that smirk on his face that seemed to never quite go away.
“Fine,” Leonard said to no one in particular as he finally stepped off the hated pad.
oOo
“Dammit, Jim,” Leonard said as the door opened to Jim’s quarters.
“Computer pause recording and delete the voice of Doctor McCoy,” Jim said as he leaned back on his sofa. “Normally I only have to edit my cursing out of my log reports. That has to be a first, Bones.”
“Dammit, Jim,” Leonard repeated as he stalked across the room so he could stand and look down on his best friend, who had done a brilliant job of avoid him since they returned.
“You said that already and I know you have more than those words at your disposal.”
“Now look here! What in tarnation’s name was that message you put down there. And don’t give me none of your normal excuses. They won’t wash.”
“You read it. Don’t tell me that the transporter has started to scramble your brains?” Jim was smirking up at him, looking remarkably pleased with himself.
“Don’t try and deflect me. That whole thing was nothing but a sexual invitation and don’t you deny it. We need a talk again about how you are coping with your sex drive and the demands of command.”
“Oh great. I get the birds and bees talk from the good Doctor McCoy once more. You going to blush again?”
Leonard did not like the reminder of how awkward that first conversation had gone. He had never been embarrassed before. Sex was good and it was pleasurable but there was something about talking to Jim making sure his head was in the right space with his needs that just hadn’t sat right with him. Truth be known, that was probably when the full realization about what his feelings truly were for Jim sank in.
“Jim!” he said instead, attempting to hide his blush behind anger.
“I’m fine, Bones. You know me, I like sex. So when they said true intentions, what else could I put on there?”
“It didn’t have to be sexual. We are friends.”
“Friends can’t have sexual thoughts?”
“You know what I mean and stop trying to deflect the matter.”
“Okay, if we are talking, how about this?” Jim said as he stood up and took the couple of steps to bring him right in front of Leonard. “What if I said I do know what it feels like to have my heart bleed from love sickness? If I am to be lectured for putting down something that you think is sexual in nature, I think you need to look at why you thought I needed a lecture on how nothing can hurt as much as what Doctor Leonard H. McCoy has had to deal with!”
Jim was almost nose to nose with Leonard and there was anger in his eyes.
“You hide behind the pain, but I think you are afraid,” Jim continued to speak.
“Of what?” Leonard dared Jim to finish that sentence, which really was the wrong thing to say to Jim Kirk.
“This,” Jim said before he grabbed Leonard’s face in both hands and planted a kiss on Leonard’s lips.
Leonard didn’t have time to shut his eyes, but Jim hadn’t either. The kiss was just a simple press of the lips, all Leonard could see, all he could think about was the look in Jim’s eyes. Defiance was there, and fear mingling and just a hint of anticipation.
Leonard almost couldn’t take it. He had thought about it. He had thought about it a lot in the dark of his room, in the enclosed space of his shower as he imagined the various ways a kiss could go and then so much more. None of it had been that simple push and hold that this was, such a small thing, almost unremarkable and yet it shook him to the core of his soul.
“Jim?” Leonard asked, not knowing fully what he was really wanting to know. Why? What? When? Any and all of those, maybe.
“Because,” Jim replied, looking just as hesitant as Leonard felt.
“When?” Leonard finally asked after a long pause where neither could do anything except stare at each other.
Jim finally looked down and then back up again. “A long time.” There was another pause before Jim spoke again, “I had to write that, Bones. I do want to have sex with you, badly, but that wasn’t what I really meant when I wrote it. You get me. You know when I need to be yelled at and times that I don’t and you aren’t afraid to do it. Fuck, Bones don’t make me talk. I hate that. Just, I, well, you know...”
“No, I don’t. If I did we wouldn’t be here.”
Jim cocked his head to the side, a little smirk playing around the edges of his lips. “Where would we be?”
Leonard looked at the man in front of him. There were so many responses he could give to that question. Some of them a way out of a possible awkward situation should they take a step that would change everything. And then Leonard realized that they already had. They were standing here with an awkward silence keeping them apart.
Then the words that Helo had said down on the planet started to pound their way to the front of his mind. Love hurt. It was pain, but it was also glorious and wonderful and all those other words that had poets and writers trying to find the right ones to express it properly. None ever could, so they all kept searching. Just like Leonard knew, as he had told Jim in the note, he never appeared relaxed as his heart was always bleeding. Bleeding with love. For the man in front of him, for his crewmates and for his patients, but mostly for the man standing there with hesitation in his gaze.
“Fuck it,” Leonard said, as he came to a decision to finally stop hiding his true self.
This time it was Jim that was pulled to him and the kiss wasn’t some gentle press of the lips. Every press and taste and touch of his hands was his way of showing Jim his love, his desire and his true intentions.
“Bones,” Jim moaned out around one of many little kisses.
“Back, Jim,” Leonard hoarsely replied, his throat feeling choked up with emotion that this was actually happening.
“Back?” Jim asked, looking confused at Leonard as his hands stilled in Leonard’s hair.
“Where would we be? We would be back, over there on your bed,” Leonard said, glancing at the edge of the bed visible around the partition.
“Don’t see me complaining.” Jim’s natural flirty nature was back on display if the come hither look in his eyes was anything to go by.
“I don’t see you moving neither,” Leonard pointed out.
“Make me,” Jim said as he slowly leaned up. Just before his lips were to touch Leonard’s he stopped.
Then Leonard felt it, the touch of Jim’s tongue, the moist glide across his lips and Leonard growled, pulling Jim to him and bringing the tease of that tongue into touch with his own. At Jim’s replying groan Leonard pushed, stepping Jim backwards until they both felt the bed and fell onto it together.
“God, Jim,” Leonard cried out as Jim pushed up and their groins met. “Be my...” Leonard couldn’t finish with Jim capturing his tongue to play with.
“What?” Jim breathed out into his mouth.
“Everything.”
oOo
Beta: Many, many thanks to dizilla and aquila_star for the very quick beta duties
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4,286
Pairings/Characters: Kirk/McCoy, Spock/Uhura, OCs
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: Not mine, dammit!
Summary: If you need a message of love to be written, don't ask Jim Kirk or Leonard McCoy to do it.
A/N: This was inspired by the wonderful art from anaeolist, which you can see here.
There are a few hints to Valentine things in the story and the Lupercalia festival from roman times that was held on the 13 and 14 February. Enjoy!
Also over at AO3 here.
“Jim,” Leonard barked out. “For heaven’s sake, put your ass down in that chair.”
Jim stopped his pacing to glare at Leonard.
“You need to learn some patience,” Leonard pointed out.
“I hate this waiting,” Jim finally said before he resumed his pacing back and forth across the small anteroom they had been directed to.
“I know, but I’m getting tired just watching you walking back and forth.”
“Too bad,” was Jim’s only response.
Leonard resisted rolling his eyes at his friend and captain and instead focused on the view out of the small window. Jim could and would sit still and show off the patience that the year as captain of Starfleet’s flagship had taught him, but every now and then a mission would come along that would test him. That it was this seemingly easy one causing Jim to show signs of impatience had Leonard a little concerned. It might mean that something else was up. Leonard started to think back to what might have caused Jim’s equanimity to falter.
The last two missions had resulted in casualties, but no loss of life. Leonard had already helped Jim in composing the first messages he had ever had to write notifying the loved ones of the crew who had died on his first watch, and it had been difficult, something Leonard knew he himself would never get used to. But that was not the case here. It obviously wasn’t a recent mission loss, and Leonard couldn’t think of anything out of the ordinary that had happened onboard for the last week or two.
He might have to check with Spock, when he and Uhura returned from the meeting with the Terni and Dius representatives to ascertain if Spock had noticed anything. Leonard wasn’t looking forward to that conversation. Also, Jim wasn’t that ego driven that the request from the locals to speak with Spock and Uhura with some new issue, instead of him, would not have set him off like this either.
The Feast of Calia was a fourteen day festival revolving around fertility and love which they had been invited to beam down to. They arrived in the middle of festival and this was just one more thing to add to Starfleet’s database.
It was because of something that had occurred at this feast amongst the locals that the representatives wished to speak to Spock and Uhura alone as they were the only ‘couple’ on the away team. That left Jim and Leonard cooling their heels in this anteroom while the other two tried to find out why the ongoing diplomatic talks had been put on hold.
The view of the small town with its compact buildings reminded Leonard of the small towns back in Georgia where the tight urban sprawl gave way to the nature beyond. This planet, Luper XIII was important in this quadrant for its mineral wealth, but also for the respect and diplomacy of its people. Leonard’s musings were cut short by the return of Spock and Uhura.
“Well?” Jim asked even before the door had closed. Leonard began carefully watching for signs of further agitation from Jim.
“A disagreement has arisen between the two ruling families, Captain,” Spock said. “They are asking for our assistance to minimize the conflict.”
“Did they ask anything specific or are we to just make a guess at what the help should be?” Jim asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Jim’s tone was just this side of snide, Leonard noted, which was pretty unusual for Jim.
“They did indeed, Captain,” Spock replied.
Jim stared at Spock, waiting to see if Spock was going to enlighten them any further. Leonard decided to head off an explosion of temper from Jim by deflecting attention to himself.
“Care to elaborate further, Spock?”
“They have requested that we partake in the rituals of the Feast of Calia.”
Leonard noted that Uhura had moved closer to Spock and her fingers had reached out to gently touch his wrist. Whatever this request was, Uhura was aware that Spock was a little perturbed about it. Leonard had learned more about the emotionless computer in vulcan form by watching how Uhura reacted to him.
“Did they say what these rituals would be?”
“The Feast of Calia is where those who are unbonded make known their desires to be bonded,” Uhura explained and Leonard got the feeling she was quoting directly from the locals. “Also those who are currently bonded can make known their pleasure at being so. Those that are usually afeared to say things aloud can put their thoughts to words.”
“I thought these people were known for their diplomacy and their talk?” Leonard asked, confused a little by what Uhura had said. “They can’t tell each other they like someone except during these fourteen days?”
“It is the public declaration that is only restricted to these fourteen days, Leonard. My observations are that there is considerable affection and caring between bonded couples already.”
“How do they ‘make known their desires’?” Jim asked, frowning a little.
“The large chalice in the town square is where the messages are left and collected.”
“So we put a message in there and they will be happy and we can get back to the talks? I don’t see how this caused such a stink. Let’s get some paper and put a message in there, then.” Jim moved toward the door but was stopped by Spock holding up a hand.
“They will not resume the talks until our messages have been placed and received by the intended recipient.”
Leonard finally started to understand why Spock was perturbed by the notion of them each putting a message of love down in writing. Spock and Uhura could easily place a message to each other but that then left him and Jim. They either had to write to each other, or pick a random townsperson to receive a message. The wooing of a local was out of the question, so that left he and Jim leaving a message for each other.
“I don’t see how this is such a problem, Spock,” Jim said. “Obviously you two are covered and it’s not like Bones and I aren’t familiar with each other. I mean...” Jim waved his hand in the air, as his speech petered out.
“I understand, captain.” Spock held up his hand once again.
Leonard had never seen Jim so flustered before.
“It’s not as simple as that, Jim,” Uhura said. “Once a message has been collected, it is brought to the main hall. The chalice there is where the message is delivered and if the message was not written with a true intent, or true feelings behind it, then the chalice there will not accept the message.”
“Oh, great,” Leonard complained. “We get to drop some words into a goblet and some hocus pocus tells us if it’s true love or not? Can’t they handle trusting their own instincts?”
“I am a little unsure of the wording they used, so I would like to talk to them again to clarify?” Uhura asked Jim for permission. “I’m not sure if they did intend for it to be entirely about love and desire. From some of the conversations I overheard earlier, I think they use it as a way of clearing the air regarding other issues as well.”
“Was it one of those other issues that is holding this up?” Jim asked.
“No, it appears that one of the young men of the Terni placed a message for one of the Duis, which was accepted. The Terni and Duis have an antagonistic relationship for all their vaunted diplomacy. It stretches back at least a century from what I can gather,” Uhura said.
“Oh great, a love sick Romeo and Juliet story. That ended well the first time,” Jim grumbled. “Go Uhura, find out some more. In the meantime, Spock please request some writing implements so we can get started on these ‘true feeling’ messages.”
“Yes, Captain.”
Leonard held his tongue until Spock and Uhura had once again left.
“What kind of foolishness is this? ‘True intent’? Jim, this can’t end well.”
“Starfleet’s gotta do what it’s gotta do,” was Jim’s reply as he walked away from Leonard to stand and stare out the window.
With a sigh, Leonard sat back down in the chair and waited for Spock and Uhura to return. His view never wavered from the tense set of shoulders of his best friend.
oOo
It had been one of the hardest set of words Leonard had ever written in his life. Uhura had made sure that Jim understood that the meaning had to be about something he loved or desired from Leonard. Jim had laughed and looked relaxed again. Whatever had disturbed him before had apparently been alleviated and he now made jokes about the ‘love sickness’ of the people of Luper XIII. But love was no laughing matter and Leonard knew that the hard way.
What made it worse was that once they had placed their messages into the chalice in the town square, they were informed they had to leave them there a day, at least, before they could come back and collect them. At least the Terni and the Duis agreed to continue with negotiations in the meantime. Leonard was finally able to get the information on the successful treatments for the arthritis-like disease they had recently cured, which was why he was on the away team in the first place.
They beamed back on board to the ship for the evening, and when Leonard suggested eating a meal together, Jim made his excuses about catching up on all his reports instead. Jim was back to his normal self, smiling and laughing after a successful talk down on the planet, so Leonard thought nothing of it. Instead, his thoughts were occupied with wondering if he had concealed his feelings appropriately, while remaining true enough in his message to Jim to satisfy the chalice.
oOo
“So let me get this straight, we have to fish in that thing.” Leonard pointed to the large glass chalice sitting on a pedestal in the center of the town square. “And then we have to read it and if we accept the message, we go in there and drop it in the other one. But we aren’t allowed to show any of you the message or even see each other taking the message?”
“Correct, doctor,” Spock replied.
“Well ain’t that just quaint, bless their hearts.”
Leonard knew that his dislike of the situation wasn’t hidden from Jim with the snort of laughter he gave.
“Captain, we are supposed to be solemn.” Uhura looked around to check and see if the townspeople had noticed Jim’s lack of decorum.
“Bit hard when he get’s all ‘Southern’.” Jim tried to excuse his behaviour with a smile.
“Heavens preserve us,” Leonard muttered as he looked out the doorway and to the sky.
“I shall go first,” Spock said, before turning quickly and walking out of the room. The door closed on the sight of Spock walking in his calm measured gait toward the chalice glinting in the light of the sun.
Jim looked at Uhura and was about to speak when Leonard slapped his hand over his mouth.
“Just don’t, Jim,” Leonard warned before dropping his hand back down again.
“I was just going to...”
“Get your ass kicked by Uhura,” Leonard interrupted.
Uhura’s lovely laugh, sounding like what Leonard had always imagined sunshine would sound like, reverberated around the little room.
“I won’t tell you what I wrote,” she said. “And I can be even more stubborn about that than my first name.”
“See,” Leonard pointed out.
“You two are no fun,” Jim complained, but never received a response to his complaint as the door opened again and it was Jim who was requested to retrieve a message from the chalice this time.
“It will be okay, Leonard,” Uhura said once the door had closed again.
“‘True intent’, hah! I was never that good at expressing myself. Failed marriage, remember?” Leonard pointed out.
“And yet I can list the exact number of relationships you had at the Academy and they are not in single digits.”
“They all turned out so well.”
“Yet, you and Jim are still friends. You care about each other. I know that, so whatever you wrote would be true to your feelings for each other.”
Leonard looked closely at the woman who was admired by almost every crew member on board the ship. The caring and understanding she had made her such an outstanding communication officer, above and beyond her technical abilities. He shook his head at her, a little embarrassed to have his insecurity read so easily, although he appreciated that she had waited until it was just the two of them. A smile to her was his thanks as the door once more opened and it was Uhura’s turn.
Left alone with his thoughts, he wondered what Jim had thought of his words. No words of love or devotion felt right to express what he felt for the man. They all felt too small and inadequate. Instead he did something he was now regretting. He ranted at Jim via written words. He had thought back to their first meeting on the shuttle and the words he had said then to hide his fear, plus Jim’s recent dismissal of love. After he had written them he hadn’t quite thought about what Jim’s reaction would be. He just knew he couldn’t admit that he loved Jim more than he had ever felt for anyone else. He knew the heartache of losing someone who he had loved not even half as much as he felt for Jim. So a lecture and a rant was his ‘true intent’ instead.
The door opened once more, and Leonard blinked as his eyes adjusted to the sunlight outside. He focussed on the chalice in front of him and tried to ignore the townspeople who had gathered to witness the visitors partake in one of their most sacred rituals. The closer he got, the more he felt his palms sweat until he was standing and looking down into the chalice. Many folded pieces of paper with names written on them were lying there, waiting for the right person to select them. With a deep breath, he reached in and pushed the papers around, remembering the feel of something that was so rare back home. The smell of an old book wafted up to him, bringing him back to his childhood and the reverence that his father had as he had held a book out to him. He blinked back a tear at the memory of his father, now lost to him, and then he saw his name on one of the pieces of paper. Not the name his mother and father had given him, but the one that Jim had. A new name at the start of a new time in his life.
Leonard cursed inwardly at himself at the stupid maudlin thoughts running through his head. He picked up the paper and then opened it.
“Oh, you infant! This might get us kicked off planet with no agreement,” he murmured as he read the words written inside.
‘You could handle me. That’s an invitation, Jim.’
“This way Doctor McCoy,” Helo Dius said as he pointed toward the open door of the town hall.
Leonard followed the man across the square and into the hall, making a point of not looking for Jim. Ahead was the matching chalice and Leonard took a deep breath as he looked down at the folded paper in his hand. With a muttered, “Here goes nothing,” he dropped it in. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, some puff of smoke or something. Instead there was only a little red glow at the base of the chalice and then the message was gone.
“It has been accepted,” Helo Dius said in a voice that carried around the hall. “Our friends from Starfleet have been accepted to Calia. Their hearts are true and intentions clear. We will now sign the mark of friendship, and we look forward to it continuing.”
Leonard finally looked around, searching for Jim, and there he was, standing at the side flanked by Spock and Uhura. Leonard felt a little self-conscious standing there but he wasn’t sure if it would be rude to leave, so he stayed in place, staring at Jim who was looking as expressionless as Leonard had ever seen him.
“Their willingness to accept our ways and our invitation is a lesson to us,” Helo continued and Leonard noticed he was looking at a young couple holding hands, Tine and Valen, standing near to the Away team. “That which has always been so should be put aside in the name of love. It is what makes our lives greater and to deny it is to deny our true selves.”
The cheers from the assembled people had Leonard hoping that the talking was over and they could go home soon. He had a Captain to smack upside the head for his ‘true intentions’.
“Come,” Helo was now pointing at a table where a PADD and the large paper agreement was laid out.
As Leonard joined Jim, Uhura and Spock, Jim leaned over and whispered, “Not now, Bones. Play nice.”
“I’m always nice,” Leonard said back.
After that, there was no real chance to talk. There was signing on the PADD and then on the paper. While Luper XIII had the technology to develop PADDs, they had chosen to still use paper and Leonard couldn’t begrudge them quirk.
Jim made a pretty little speech, accepted some gifts on behalf of Luper XIII and passed on some in return from the Federation. Then they were bidding the locals farewell and the request to beam back to the ship was given.
“Jim,” Leonard said as Jim hopped off the transporter pad.
“Later, Bones. Captainly things to do.”
Leonard was left glaring at the empty doorway and Scotty who just had that smirk on his face that seemed to never quite go away.
“Fine,” Leonard said to no one in particular as he finally stepped off the hated pad.
oOo
“Dammit, Jim,” Leonard said as the door opened to Jim’s quarters.
“Computer pause recording and delete the voice of Doctor McCoy,” Jim said as he leaned back on his sofa. “Normally I only have to edit my cursing out of my log reports. That has to be a first, Bones.”
“Dammit, Jim,” Leonard repeated as he stalked across the room so he could stand and look down on his best friend, who had done a brilliant job of avoid him since they returned.
“You said that already and I know you have more than those words at your disposal.”
“Now look here! What in tarnation’s name was that message you put down there. And don’t give me none of your normal excuses. They won’t wash.”
“You read it. Don’t tell me that the transporter has started to scramble your brains?” Jim was smirking up at him, looking remarkably pleased with himself.
“Don’t try and deflect me. That whole thing was nothing but a sexual invitation and don’t you deny it. We need a talk again about how you are coping with your sex drive and the demands of command.”
“Oh great. I get the birds and bees talk from the good Doctor McCoy once more. You going to blush again?”
Leonard did not like the reminder of how awkward that first conversation had gone. He had never been embarrassed before. Sex was good and it was pleasurable but there was something about talking to Jim making sure his head was in the right space with his needs that just hadn’t sat right with him. Truth be known, that was probably when the full realization about what his feelings truly were for Jim sank in.
“Jim!” he said instead, attempting to hide his blush behind anger.
“I’m fine, Bones. You know me, I like sex. So when they said true intentions, what else could I put on there?”
“It didn’t have to be sexual. We are friends.”
“Friends can’t have sexual thoughts?”
“You know what I mean and stop trying to deflect the matter.”
“Okay, if we are talking, how about this?” Jim said as he stood up and took the couple of steps to bring him right in front of Leonard. “What if I said I do know what it feels like to have my heart bleed from love sickness? If I am to be lectured for putting down something that you think is sexual in nature, I think you need to look at why you thought I needed a lecture on how nothing can hurt as much as what Doctor Leonard H. McCoy has had to deal with!”
Jim was almost nose to nose with Leonard and there was anger in his eyes.
“You hide behind the pain, but I think you are afraid,” Jim continued to speak.
“Of what?” Leonard dared Jim to finish that sentence, which really was the wrong thing to say to Jim Kirk.
“This,” Jim said before he grabbed Leonard’s face in both hands and planted a kiss on Leonard’s lips.
Leonard didn’t have time to shut his eyes, but Jim hadn’t either. The kiss was just a simple press of the lips, all Leonard could see, all he could think about was the look in Jim’s eyes. Defiance was there, and fear mingling and just a hint of anticipation.
Leonard almost couldn’t take it. He had thought about it. He had thought about it a lot in the dark of his room, in the enclosed space of his shower as he imagined the various ways a kiss could go and then so much more. None of it had been that simple push and hold that this was, such a small thing, almost unremarkable and yet it shook him to the core of his soul.
“Jim?” Leonard asked, not knowing fully what he was really wanting to know. Why? What? When? Any and all of those, maybe.
“Because,” Jim replied, looking just as hesitant as Leonard felt.
“When?” Leonard finally asked after a long pause where neither could do anything except stare at each other.
Jim finally looked down and then back up again. “A long time.” There was another pause before Jim spoke again, “I had to write that, Bones. I do want to have sex with you, badly, but that wasn’t what I really meant when I wrote it. You get me. You know when I need to be yelled at and times that I don’t and you aren’t afraid to do it. Fuck, Bones don’t make me talk. I hate that. Just, I, well, you know...”
“No, I don’t. If I did we wouldn’t be here.”
Jim cocked his head to the side, a little smirk playing around the edges of his lips. “Where would we be?”
Leonard looked at the man in front of him. There were so many responses he could give to that question. Some of them a way out of a possible awkward situation should they take a step that would change everything. And then Leonard realized that they already had. They were standing here with an awkward silence keeping them apart.
Then the words that Helo had said down on the planet started to pound their way to the front of his mind. Love hurt. It was pain, but it was also glorious and wonderful and all those other words that had poets and writers trying to find the right ones to express it properly. None ever could, so they all kept searching. Just like Leonard knew, as he had told Jim in the note, he never appeared relaxed as his heart was always bleeding. Bleeding with love. For the man in front of him, for his crewmates and for his patients, but mostly for the man standing there with hesitation in his gaze.
“Fuck it,” Leonard said, as he came to a decision to finally stop hiding his true self.
This time it was Jim that was pulled to him and the kiss wasn’t some gentle press of the lips. Every press and taste and touch of his hands was his way of showing Jim his love, his desire and his true intentions.
“Bones,” Jim moaned out around one of many little kisses.
“Back, Jim,” Leonard hoarsely replied, his throat feeling choked up with emotion that this was actually happening.
“Back?” Jim asked, looking confused at Leonard as his hands stilled in Leonard’s hair.
“Where would we be? We would be back, over there on your bed,” Leonard said, glancing at the edge of the bed visible around the partition.
“Don’t see me complaining.” Jim’s natural flirty nature was back on display if the come hither look in his eyes was anything to go by.
“I don’t see you moving neither,” Leonard pointed out.
“Make me,” Jim said as he slowly leaned up. Just before his lips were to touch Leonard’s he stopped.
Then Leonard felt it, the touch of Jim’s tongue, the moist glide across his lips and Leonard growled, pulling Jim to him and bringing the tease of that tongue into touch with his own. At Jim’s replying groan Leonard pushed, stepping Jim backwards until they both felt the bed and fell onto it together.
“God, Jim,” Leonard cried out as Jim pushed up and their groins met. “Be my...” Leonard couldn’t finish with Jim capturing his tongue to play with.
“What?” Jim breathed out into his mouth.
“Everything.”
oOo