i woke up this morning and i feel fine
yesterday was the day from hell. friday night i had gone out and gotten drunk to ease my troubles. so i crashed on chris and jason's couch. when i woke up jason made me some breakfast which was quite possibly the best part of my day. like an idiot i decide to return to my apartment because i just wanted to be able to sleep in my own bed and take a shower in my shower. the gaars were there much earlier than i expected but some how i managed to sneak past dr. gaar unseen. i walked in my apartment and mrs. gaar was standing in the little hallway that leads to my room. i say hello instead of walking past in silence and she says hello back not even looking at me like i'm too horrible of a person to even look at. as soon as i got in my room i didn't leave it for the better part of the day. i think it was finally around 8:00 in the evening that i had gotten the courage to walk out of my room and out of my apartment. her cousin, three of his friends, and valerie came to help out as well. it's the worst feeling in the world knowing that there is a room full of people right next to you that are just sitting around hating you.
but i guess there is nothing i could do. i guess i need to stop feeling bad about laini's situation because i don't think she has once considered the way i'm feeling. i've been put in a situation in which i must "choose" between two friends. i'm like the child whose parents are getting a divorce and that child has to decide which parent she wants to live with and inevitably hurts one someone she loves. it's been tearing me up inside. not that this is about choosing sides and not that i've taken sides, i realize now that i am living with the person who has their best interest as well as mine on their mind. vanessa has constantly apologized to me about putting me in such an awkward position and in laini's whole life i don't think i have heard a sincere "i'm sorry" from her.
well she's gone now. her family tried to leave no trace of her left in the apartment so vanessa and i "get the full effect" (i overheard dr. gaar saying that). but to tell you the truth, it is so nice walking out into a near-empty apartment. all that is really in there now is the furniture and the tv. what i can compare it to is writing a song (not that i've written many songs or any good songs at that). when laini was here it felt like a song that was getting so complex and the composer just kept on adding unnecessary shit that made the song even more complex and even more unreachable. but now it's like a clean slate. it's simple and accessible. there seems to be more light in the room and i couldn't help but smile. it's over now.
but i guess there is nothing i could do. i guess i need to stop feeling bad about laini's situation because i don't think she has once considered the way i'm feeling. i've been put in a situation in which i must "choose" between two friends. i'm like the child whose parents are getting a divorce and that child has to decide which parent she wants to live with and inevitably hurts one someone she loves. it's been tearing me up inside. not that this is about choosing sides and not that i've taken sides, i realize now that i am living with the person who has their best interest as well as mine on their mind. vanessa has constantly apologized to me about putting me in such an awkward position and in laini's whole life i don't think i have heard a sincere "i'm sorry" from her.
well she's gone now. her family tried to leave no trace of her left in the apartment so vanessa and i "get the full effect" (i overheard dr. gaar saying that). but to tell you the truth, it is so nice walking out into a near-empty apartment. all that is really in there now is the furniture and the tv. what i can compare it to is writing a song (not that i've written many songs or any good songs at that). when laini was here it felt like a song that was getting so complex and the composer just kept on adding unnecessary shit that made the song even more complex and even more unreachable. but now it's like a clean slate. it's simple and accessible. there seems to be more light in the room and i couldn't help but smile. it's over now.