Saying Goodbye
The following is an email I plan to send to Cailin in the near future. The only reason I'm not doing it now is because the email address I have is incorrect.
It was emotionally difficult to write, but not TOO difficult.
******
Cailin,
This is extremely hard for me to do. I'm doing it via email because I think that's the easiest way to go about it. When you do it in person, or even over the phone, things tend to get....messy.
Cailin, in a little under three months, I'm leaving for Eastern, where I'm hoping to start a new chapter in my life. When I leave, I'm going to be taking a lot of things from Orland Park with me. But in contrast, I've also decided that the time has finally come to leave certain things behind, and come to grips with my past, and who I am as a person. I'm going to leave behind a lot of bad memories, a lot of sorrow, a lot of frustration, fear, anger, and tears. I guess you could say I'm planning to leave a lot of pain here in Orland Park.
And sadly Cailin, when I look at you, when I hear your voice, whenever I'm even near you, I feel so much pain.
I'm sure in your heart, you know the reason. But I'll spell it out anyway. It all stems back to what happened earlier this year, both before and after you went to ISU. I don't really know you how felt about that Cay, at least as it relates to me. But all guilt trips aside, that hurt me worse than almost anything I've ever experienced. I mean, there it was....right there in front of us.....and then it was gone. That shook me to the core.
When Bec and I were still on civilized terms, she told me that you once told her that you didn't think my feelings for you were real. That I was just sort of fixated on you, and that I was only in love with the idea of a relationship with you. I hope that's not how you really felt Cay. I hope you think I'm smarter than that, both in the heart and in the mind. Granted, what we feel inside can sometimes decieve us....but Cailin, what I felt for you was real. Honest to God, it was as real as anything I've ever experienced. And that's why it hurt me so bad to lose it.
Then, when you came back into my life a few months later, I figured "okay, lets start from scratch and just be friends again." But sure enough, I fell for you again....and again.....and again. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried just to see you as a friend, I couldn't. I couldn't force myself not to feel what I felt. I still can't.
And that's why I can't see you anymore Cailin. I can't just pretend that I don't see you that way. I can't pretend that you and I are "just friends," and then look at you as something else behind your back. That's not fair to you, and it's damn sure not fair to me. I'm not going to keep torturing myself over something that's obviously never going to materialize. I suppose part of it is my own fault, I should have realized that sooner.
But for what it's worth, you were always a good friend Cailin. I know you're a good person. And I hope you understand why I'm doing this. I hope you understand that I can't keep walking into the same trap over and over again, and that it's time to leave this pain behind.
So as much as it hurts, both for me me and for you....don't call me again Cailin. Because I won't pick up. I can't pick up.
I'm sorry I had to hurt you. But believe me, not doing this would have hurt me much more in the long run.
Goodbye.
Rob
It was emotionally difficult to write, but not TOO difficult.
******
Cailin,
This is extremely hard for me to do. I'm doing it via email because I think that's the easiest way to go about it. When you do it in person, or even over the phone, things tend to get....messy.
Cailin, in a little under three months, I'm leaving for Eastern, where I'm hoping to start a new chapter in my life. When I leave, I'm going to be taking a lot of things from Orland Park with me. But in contrast, I've also decided that the time has finally come to leave certain things behind, and come to grips with my past, and who I am as a person. I'm going to leave behind a lot of bad memories, a lot of sorrow, a lot of frustration, fear, anger, and tears. I guess you could say I'm planning to leave a lot of pain here in Orland Park.
And sadly Cailin, when I look at you, when I hear your voice, whenever I'm even near you, I feel so much pain.
I'm sure in your heart, you know the reason. But I'll spell it out anyway. It all stems back to what happened earlier this year, both before and after you went to ISU. I don't really know you how felt about that Cay, at least as it relates to me. But all guilt trips aside, that hurt me worse than almost anything I've ever experienced. I mean, there it was....right there in front of us.....and then it was gone. That shook me to the core.
When Bec and I were still on civilized terms, she told me that you once told her that you didn't think my feelings for you were real. That I was just sort of fixated on you, and that I was only in love with the idea of a relationship with you. I hope that's not how you really felt Cay. I hope you think I'm smarter than that, both in the heart and in the mind. Granted, what we feel inside can sometimes decieve us....but Cailin, what I felt for you was real. Honest to God, it was as real as anything I've ever experienced. And that's why it hurt me so bad to lose it.
Then, when you came back into my life a few months later, I figured "okay, lets start from scratch and just be friends again." But sure enough, I fell for you again....and again.....and again. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried just to see you as a friend, I couldn't. I couldn't force myself not to feel what I felt. I still can't.
And that's why I can't see you anymore Cailin. I can't just pretend that I don't see you that way. I can't pretend that you and I are "just friends," and then look at you as something else behind your back. That's not fair to you, and it's damn sure not fair to me. I'm not going to keep torturing myself over something that's obviously never going to materialize. I suppose part of it is my own fault, I should have realized that sooner.
But for what it's worth, you were always a good friend Cailin. I know you're a good person. And I hope you understand why I'm doing this. I hope you understand that I can't keep walking into the same trap over and over again, and that it's time to leave this pain behind.
So as much as it hurts, both for me me and for you....don't call me again Cailin. Because I won't pick up. I can't pick up.
I'm sorry I had to hurt you. But believe me, not doing this would have hurt me much more in the long run.
Goodbye.
Rob