Oh, look! It's the Jesus Fish Icon! RUN!!!! ;)
Well, it's a Lenten Friday again...and I missed last week. Totally spaced it. And after all the noise I made about it two weeks ago! Wow, I'm such a good Christian, aren't I? *rolls eyes* So, I shall try to make up for it. Or not.
"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." (Matthew 6:14)
Two weeks ago, I posted some song lyrics about God's fogiveness of sins and why I was so thankful to the Lord because my sins have been forgiven. Blah blah blah. That's all wonderful and good, yes. But His forgiveness of me is only half of the equation. The other half is that I'm supposed to forgive others, as Jesus did. You know: "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." That whole thing.
This...is difficult for me, though. I have a tendency to hold grudges, often for ridiculous reasons. Like, I still hold a grudge against this one bully kid in elementary school. I don't even remember his name and it was 30-some years ago, but I still occasionally think about him and the things that he said to me. (Yay me and my memory that tends to record forever what I hear.) Like, I used to hold a grudge against a certain popular Transformers fan. I've let that one go because, as I said, it's utterly stupid of me to hold that kind of grudge. So, now I don't grind my teeth whenever the person's name is mentioned. It's very...liberating, I must say.
You'd think that I'd learn from that liberating feeling, you know?
But I'm stubborn. There's one person in this world that I need to forgive more than any other. And it's not for his sake. I could care less about him. I sincerely hope that he's getting everything he deserves in prison, especially including a large "boyfriend" named Bubba so that his bottom is hurting as much as mine still occasionally does, thanks to him. (I'm all about "an eye for an eye" when I've got my dander up, you see... :) ) No, I need to forgive him for my sake. Not so much to be a pious, saintly, "good Christian," but just so that he will stop hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles, just waiting for my guard to be down. I once said to Pepper that forgiveness isn't something that you do for the other person; it's something that you do for yourself. You stop letting something that someone else did bother you and rule your thoughts and your life. I know that's true. I know it is.
But every time I turn my thoughts and prayers toward the issue of forgiving him, I just...can't. Too much happened. One does not easily forget extreme sexual abuse that happens in adulthood, which has different consequences for the victim than that which happens in childhood. It is not something that is easily assimilated. It's not something that other people can really understand or relate to, so it makes you feel very alone, very isolated. Everyone pities you if you talk about it at all, and no one knows what to do other than to pity you, which isn't really what you're looking for. Many people are molested/sexually abused in childhood; it doesn't happen as often to adults, at least not in an on-going sense. Rapes happen, but they are usually one-time occurrences. But for me, it was on-going. And there are probably not many people in this world who have scars from cigarette burns where I have scars from cigarette burns. There are probably not that many people who put themselves in a situation where they were gang-raped at least once a month for a stretch of about a year. But I did. I was screwed in the head more so than screwed anywhere else. And so now I'm screwed in the head in a completely different sort of way. Yay for me and my totally stupid choices.
It does things to you. It affects everything. From the relationships I have with other people (particularly people of the male persuasion), to the way that I view the world, to the fears that I have, all the way down to silly things like the things in fanfic that make me go squick; it's all colored by what I lived throug. It's all colored by him. Heck, I had to change my name because of him. And so, it makes me see things differently than many people. Like, people who write about/draw sexual bondage and sadism. They and their readers find it to be stimulating, I suppose. Or something. But trust me, if you'd experienced it, if you'd woken up to the rope burns, you wouldn't find it nearly so stimulating. So, that whole stretch of time where I was with him still affects me today, even after the passing of almost twenty years and even after many years of therapy.
The frustrating thing is that I know, in my head, what will help me. I know the solution to my problem. I have only to make the conscious choice to forgive him, just as I once made the conscious choice to live with him. But it's very, very difficult. It's as if I think that if I forgive, then that will somehow mutate into being "OK" with what happened. I know, in my head, that that is not the case; forgiving and thinking that something is OK are not synonymous. But I think that fear is there. I wish that it would go away. I pray for it to go away every single day. I don't want to live with his shadow over me for the rest of my life. I want him to go away in the figurative sense, not just in the literal sense. (He is, as I said, in jail. For murder, even.) But I know that the only way that that will happen is if I let him go.
I have complete control over that, over whether or not I let him go. And still I cling. Why, I have no idea. Perhaps I fear that if I let him go, I will lose me, in the sense of all the things that make me "me." I am merely the sum of my past experiences, after all. But more than that, my identity for a long time has been "victim." Victim of a cruel, manipulative man who dazzled me with his charisma, who preyed upon the sheltered innocence and the burning need for love and attention that I had in my early 20s. But if I forgive, then I am no longer a victim. I will have decided not to be one anymore. So then what will I be? I don't know...and that's what scares me. But beneath the fear is the knowledge that I will for certain be one thing if I let him go: I will be free. I will be free of him. I will be free of the "victim" label that I still wear even if only I see it.
I pray, Lord. I pray for that freedom. I pray for the strength and the resolve to make the choice to be free, to forgive in my heart and in the deepest recesses of my soul, not just with hollow, meaningless, empty words. I'm good at the words. I'm not so good at the real feelings to back them up.
Funny. As I type this, they're playing Evanescence's "My Immortal" on the radio. Many people seem to see this song as one of pining for a person who has gone away. I, on the other hand, see it as a prayer to be free at last of another person who, while physically gone, is stil very much a part of one's life. It is, in that sense, a song that is very, very me. "Your face it haunts/My once-pleasant dreams/Your voice it chased away/All the sanity in me."
Yep, that about sums the situation up, I'd say...
For those uninterested in me rambling on and on about a person I have found very difficult to forgive, you can tell me all about yourself instead, 'cuz I told wyntir_rose I'd post it:
I want to know 33 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine... You're on my list, so I wanna know you better!
1. Can you cook? (and may I eat with you?)
2. What was your dream growing up?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. Favorite place?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. What zodiac sign are you?
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
9. Worst Habit?
10. Do we know each other outside of lj?
11. What is your favorite sport?
12. Negative or Optimistic attitude?
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15. Tell me one weird fact about you:
16. Do you have any pets?
17. Do you know how to do the macarena?
18. What time is it where you are now?
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22. What color eyes do you have?
23. Ever been arrested?
24. Bottle or Draft?
25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?
27. What's your favorite bar to hang at?
28. Do you believe in ghosts?
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30. Do you swear a lot?
31. Biggest pet peeve?
32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." (Matthew 6:14)
Two weeks ago, I posted some song lyrics about God's fogiveness of sins and why I was so thankful to the Lord because my sins have been forgiven. Blah blah blah. That's all wonderful and good, yes. But His forgiveness of me is only half of the equation. The other half is that I'm supposed to forgive others, as Jesus did. You know: "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." That whole thing.
This...is difficult for me, though. I have a tendency to hold grudges, often for ridiculous reasons. Like, I still hold a grudge against this one bully kid in elementary school. I don't even remember his name and it was 30-some years ago, but I still occasionally think about him and the things that he said to me. (Yay me and my memory that tends to record forever what I hear.) Like, I used to hold a grudge against a certain popular Transformers fan. I've let that one go because, as I said, it's utterly stupid of me to hold that kind of grudge. So, now I don't grind my teeth whenever the person's name is mentioned. It's very...liberating, I must say.
You'd think that I'd learn from that liberating feeling, you know?
But I'm stubborn. There's one person in this world that I need to forgive more than any other. And it's not for his sake. I could care less about him. I sincerely hope that he's getting everything he deserves in prison, especially including a large "boyfriend" named Bubba so that his bottom is hurting as much as mine still occasionally does, thanks to him. (I'm all about "an eye for an eye" when I've got my dander up, you see... :) ) No, I need to forgive him for my sake. Not so much to be a pious, saintly, "good Christian," but just so that he will stop hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles, just waiting for my guard to be down. I once said to Pepper that forgiveness isn't something that you do for the other person; it's something that you do for yourself. You stop letting something that someone else did bother you and rule your thoughts and your life. I know that's true. I know it is.
But every time I turn my thoughts and prayers toward the issue of forgiving him, I just...can't. Too much happened. One does not easily forget extreme sexual abuse that happens in adulthood, which has different consequences for the victim than that which happens in childhood. It is not something that is easily assimilated. It's not something that other people can really understand or relate to, so it makes you feel very alone, very isolated. Everyone pities you if you talk about it at all, and no one knows what to do other than to pity you, which isn't really what you're looking for. Many people are molested/sexually abused in childhood; it doesn't happen as often to adults, at least not in an on-going sense. Rapes happen, but they are usually one-time occurrences. But for me, it was on-going. And there are probably not many people in this world who have scars from cigarette burns where I have scars from cigarette burns. There are probably not that many people who put themselves in a situation where they were gang-raped at least once a month for a stretch of about a year. But I did. I was screwed in the head more so than screwed anywhere else. And so now I'm screwed in the head in a completely different sort of way. Yay for me and my totally stupid choices.
It does things to you. It affects everything. From the relationships I have with other people (particularly people of the male persuasion), to the way that I view the world, to the fears that I have, all the way down to silly things like the things in fanfic that make me go squick; it's all colored by what I lived throug. It's all colored by him. Heck, I had to change my name because of him. And so, it makes me see things differently than many people. Like, people who write about/draw sexual bondage and sadism. They and their readers find it to be stimulating, I suppose. Or something. But trust me, if you'd experienced it, if you'd woken up to the rope burns, you wouldn't find it nearly so stimulating. So, that whole stretch of time where I was with him still affects me today, even after the passing of almost twenty years and even after many years of therapy.
The frustrating thing is that I know, in my head, what will help me. I know the solution to my problem. I have only to make the conscious choice to forgive him, just as I once made the conscious choice to live with him. But it's very, very difficult. It's as if I think that if I forgive, then that will somehow mutate into being "OK" with what happened. I know, in my head, that that is not the case; forgiving and thinking that something is OK are not synonymous. But I think that fear is there. I wish that it would go away. I pray for it to go away every single day. I don't want to live with his shadow over me for the rest of my life. I want him to go away in the figurative sense, not just in the literal sense. (He is, as I said, in jail. For murder, even.) But I know that the only way that that will happen is if I let him go.
I have complete control over that, over whether or not I let him go. And still I cling. Why, I have no idea. Perhaps I fear that if I let him go, I will lose me, in the sense of all the things that make me "me." I am merely the sum of my past experiences, after all. But more than that, my identity for a long time has been "victim." Victim of a cruel, manipulative man who dazzled me with his charisma, who preyed upon the sheltered innocence and the burning need for love and attention that I had in my early 20s. But if I forgive, then I am no longer a victim. I will have decided not to be one anymore. So then what will I be? I don't know...and that's what scares me. But beneath the fear is the knowledge that I will for certain be one thing if I let him go: I will be free. I will be free of him. I will be free of the "victim" label that I still wear even if only I see it.
I pray, Lord. I pray for that freedom. I pray for the strength and the resolve to make the choice to be free, to forgive in my heart and in the deepest recesses of my soul, not just with hollow, meaningless, empty words. I'm good at the words. I'm not so good at the real feelings to back them up.
Funny. As I type this, they're playing Evanescence's "My Immortal" on the radio. Many people seem to see this song as one of pining for a person who has gone away. I, on the other hand, see it as a prayer to be free at last of another person who, while physically gone, is stil very much a part of one's life. It is, in that sense, a song that is very, very me. "Your face it haunts/My once-pleasant dreams/Your voice it chased away/All the sanity in me."
Yep, that about sums the situation up, I'd say...
For those uninterested in me rambling on and on about a person I have found very difficult to forgive, you can tell me all about yourself instead, 'cuz I told wyntir_rose I'd post it:
I want to know 33 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine... You're on my list, so I wanna know you better!
1. Can you cook? (and may I eat with you?)
2. What was your dream growing up?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. Favorite place?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. What zodiac sign are you?
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
9. Worst Habit?
10. Do we know each other outside of lj?
11. What is your favorite sport?
12. Negative or Optimistic attitude?
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15. Tell me one weird fact about you:
16. Do you have any pets?
17. Do you know how to do the macarena?
18. What time is it where you are now?
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22. What color eyes do you have?
23. Ever been arrested?
24. Bottle or Draft?
25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?
27. What's your favorite bar to hang at?
28. Do you believe in ghosts?
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30. Do you swear a lot?
31. Biggest pet peeve?
32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?