welcome to five minutes inside my mind
k well i managed to get a few words in with my ex-boyfriend
I think he's the biggest asshole ever
and i know he purposefully tries to be one
Over and over he used to tell me why he is
and i see through his ass-ish-ness
he's got things going on in his life, i know
believe it or not this huge character he makes himself out to be
has insecurities too
but everyone does, so that shouldn't be news to anyone
i wish he would come to people and talk about things to feel better
instead of making it a priority to be mean to everyone
and i understand he does this to all of his ex's
dates them then they're out of his life, it's easy that way
i told him i'd always be there
and i want to always be there
even if i hadnt talked to him in 30 years and he calls me up someday
he even told me one day that he can't handle his problems on his own
but he's too stubborn to ask for help
i don''t know though i saw this movie recently
where theres this class of bad students in nyc
who are the worst troublemakers ever
because teachers give up on them all the time
and then this one teacher comes
and takes all of their punches
and breaks down a few times
but in the end, the fact that he sticks around
surprises all the kids, and draws them to him
and they begin to trust him and respect him.
Is it like that? he's gone through so many relationships?
So many people have walked out of his life
that he doesn't expect me to stick around..
and if i did.. would he acknowledge it and have the
heart to respect me at all?
I don't recall doing anything ever to break that trust,
He's broken it time after time
which is why i think he might feel guilty..
but i dont intend on being best friends with him at all
not even good friends
but i just want him to know i don't just give up on people.
I can't befriend him because i don't trust him
and i never will, probably
but he can trust me bc i've kept his secrets all along,
i'm sure he doesn't think so but i have.
Even when he hasn't kept mine.
He has no trust of mine to break, and even if he did
i wouldn't be so hurt bc i'm not so vulnerable anymore.
My feelings are drained for him, and now i'm just sympathetic.
but I can't tell if he honestly hates me now
and if he really truly wants me out of his life or not
but if not, i'm putting up a fight
I'm making an effort to not even make friends
but to stay on good terms with him
and i get no response
is it like the movie? like will it eventually get through to him
that i really honestly am there
with absolutely no feelings for him at all
but loyalty?
Is it just the fact that he doesn't know what it's like
to have ex's be friends?
to have anyone be his friend, for that matter.
that he's never had anyone there for him when he needs one?
and he doesn't recognize me as just that?
If i put up fight after fight will it be worth it?
will he appreciate it?
Or am i fighting against the fact that he really
never wants to see me again?
The thing is i'm not clingy which is one of the reasons why
i was his different type of girlfriend,
I'm not calling him everyday,
not even every month,
I'm not stalking him shouting BE MY FRIEND.
(Does he really need me to make it that obvious? ugh)
But these little things i do ONCE in a while
(just the fact that i don't respond to him when he tries to make me feel bad)
should kind of prove that i'm trying not to hate him
although, god knows, i should.
I wonder if i should give up like everyone else has on him
i know it's the easy thing to do
but is it the right thing to do?
he has fears of everyone leaving him
so many people have walked out on his life
and i promised him
PROMISED him over and over and over
I'd never leave him alone, friendless
and that he could always NO MATTER WHAT come to me.
did he think I was kidding?
He even thanked me for it, thanked me like he MEANT it too.
I wonder if he even remembers, though.
(he must on one hand though because he knew it would make me mad
to hear him say i hadn't been there for him, he must know i am there for him,
he mustve just said it to make me mad.. to make me try even harder..
he must know i meant it.. i think?
or is he more hurt than i am, if he really thinks i walked out of his life?)
I wonder if he even cares at all.
because i've reminded him.
he asked me "where were you when i needed a friend?"
And i said "where i always am, you know my number, my address, you know where to find me."
and all he said was "no, no i don't."
bullshit!
That's not me turning my back on him.
That's him turning his back on me.
not taking up the offer.
Why must he deny everything i say and do for him?!
should i continue this to help someone
who will never help me back?
especially if i stop myself from him helping me
because i know i can't trust him like before.
Maybe he feels guilty talking to me.
Nope.
That can't be it.
Once this confusion is over,
once the decision is made and i'm aware of it,
then i can get back to my life and get over all of it.
But right now, i don't know what to do.
Here's him celebrating the fact that i'm sick, and me ignoring that and wishing him a happy birthday.
[his screen name]: wooo yay!
Auto response from laugh at lies:
feeling sick as hell :-(
laugh at lies: your sixteenth birthday
laugh at lies: is coming up, right?
[his screen name]: nope
laugh at lies: it totally is
[his screen name]: nope
laugh at lies: well for when it does
laugh at lies: happy birthday
[his screen name]: nope
Auto response from laugh at lies: I am away from my computer right now.
[his screen name]: lies!
[his screen name]: deceit!
[his screen name] signed off at 1:39:54 PM.
for about 20 minutes after he said lies! and deceit! I sat at my computer with the words "you're telling me" in my box. It must've said entered text for a while before i highlighted the phrase and clicked delete. I didn't feel like putting up with anything he might've or might've not planned on saying to something like that. So, I left my computer and went upstairs to play guitar. He signed off about ten minutes after I was gone.
I'm sick of having to defend myself.
How long can you fight for someone who won't fight for themself?
Who fights against themself?
How can I stay close to someone who pushes everyone who is close, away?
He cared about me once.
He said he cared about me before, behind my back.
In the midst of everything else he'd ever said,
which got more and more mean as time went on.
I can't help but kind of care about him.
It's a fine line that holds up the pounds and pounds of almost-hatred i feel for him.
It's all the feelings I've ever felt.
It's all me being hurt.
But the line is strong and i don't think it'll ever break.
even though his care for me is long gone.
What should I do? I need advice, from anyone.
Should I continue to subtly go with the flow, or should i give up on this?
P.s. "giving up" and "letting go" are two different things. remember, i'm over this kid.
P.p.s. i think he needs someone.
P.p.p.s. PLEASE DON'T TELL ME "WAIT FOR HIM TO COME TO YOU." I know that sounds like the perfect idea and it is, but i know he won't ever come to me. I just know he won't. He doesn't expect me to wait around for him at all and he's already not come to me about things before, and later he blames me for not being there for him.
Despite all the shit that's happened aside from this, this is, I think, what's important to the situation. No one needs to know all the drama that's happened. Just know that he means to be mean because he's got no other way to cover up his feelings.
The relationship's over. Friendship seems nearly impossible. But if he needs someone to come to, it's up to him to come to me. I already told him i'd be here. but what more can I do? I can act like i've never known him, like i don't recognize him, or i can continue to go along, hoping he picks up that he's still got loyalty in me.
so you got to let me know, should i stay or should i go?
http://nighttimestory.livejournal.com/20321.html