Fic: Growing Up Dorian: 6/7
Title: Growing Up Dorian
Chapter: 6
Author: nighthawkms (beta'd by mostepotente
Genre: Future!Fic, Possibly AU
Chapter Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slash, Obscenities, Angst, Character Death
Chapter Pairing:(s) Click to be Spoiled: Sam/Jenny, JD/Cox
Summary: Excerpts from the childhood of Sam Dorian Jr.
Disclaimer: Scrubs is the property of Bill Lawrence and I guess ABC network nowadays. I don't own it, I'm just playing in the 'verse!
Notes: Well, I finally got off my lazy ass and finished the edits I needed on Chapter Six, and now it's ready to go! No edits needed for the last chapter, so that'll be up sooner than later.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Jenny was pissed. Not in the sort of way she was pissed whenever Jack used to pull her pigtails or made nasty comments about her boyfriends (he never said anything about Sam really except to call him a pansy once in a while; it didn’t bother her because it was totally true but then again she wouldn’t have been with him this long if that had been a problem). No, she was pissed in that way she felt when her dad chose to work extra hours so he didn’t have to go home and argue with her over whatever they were fighting over, or whenever she thought about her mom for too long. It was that angry feeling of betrayal, like someone had taken a chainsaw to her heart and shredded it slowly into a bloody cole slaw.
That would taste nasty, she thought, storming down the halls of the hospital. She wasn’t sure exactly where she was going; all she knew was that she was getting away from her liar, liar, liar of an (ex-)boyfriend.
She made it into the stairwell and up two flights before she had to stop. She sank against the wall, body shaking as she wrapped her arms around her knees and dropped her forehead against them, gasping to hold back tears. Stupid fucking tears, you baby.
God, Sam was so stupid. Stupid boys and their jumping to conclusions and… what if he’s right? No, that was a stupid idea. Her dad would never… or would he? But he loved mom! Wasn’t that why he’d changed so much since she died? Mom was always the one to put him in his place and stop him from acting like a moron; she could keep him level-headed. When she died… when she died… He and Mr. Dorian… they’ve been acting really cold to each other since mom died… I hadn’t realized it until now.
Jenny always wished that her mom was still around, and it hurt even more at times like these when she needed that person she could run to for advice about situations too big for her to handle. Of course if Mom was still here, whatever Sam said had happened… wouldn’t have happened.
And it wasn’t fair; wasn’t fair that she wasn’t here, and wasn’t fair that she didn’t have her father to go to with these things - between the nights he didn’t come home and the nights he disappeared into his bedroom to drink away whatever he was feeling, he was like a ghost in her life nowadays. The worst part was that she remembered what he’d been like before Mom had died, and it made her both sad and so mad at the same time because she wanted that back, but she’d never get it, because Mom was gone, gone, gone…
“Jenny.” She whipped her head up, surprised that she hadn’t heard anybody step inside the stairwell. Her dad was kneeling down in front of her, looking annoyed but concerned too; well, as concerned as he ever seemed to look. “What are you doing here?”
“What’s it to you?” she snapped, wiping her eyes and glaring at him.
“Well I seem to remember telling your brother to drive you home last night with the express wish that he not bring you back here. Of course, considering I already saw you here again last night, I shouldn’t be too surprised…” He sighed and stood up. “Come on; I’m driving you home.”
“Jack can pick me up.”
“He could, but then, see, that would mean I’m still allowing him driving privileges after pulling this stunt. And don’t give me that look; I’m sorry your personal chauffer will be without a vehicle for the next month, but that’s the price you both pay. Now come on, up. We’re going.”
Jenny slid up from where she sat and followed her dad, who already had her jacket in hand and tossed it to her. They made their way out of the hospital and to her dad’s Porsche. Jenny got into the shotgun seat and faced the window, glaring when she saw her dad’s reflection getting into the driver’s seat. You arrogant, two-faced bastard; you cheated on mom! I fucking hate you!
If Dad noticed that she was quiet on the drive, he didn’t mention it. They pulled onto the highway, and Jenny was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard her dad groan. “Shit; traffic jam.” She glanced ahead and could see the cars stretching out in front of them for at least a good mile. Dad put the brake on and rubbed his eyes, glaring out at the cars. “Probably an accident or something…”
“Why… why did you do it?” Jenny was staring at her lap and clenching her fists; she couldn’t take it anymore, Sam’s right, oh god he is, they- they-
“What the hell are you talking about, Jenny?”
“WHY DID YOU SLEEP WITH SAM’S DAD?” she screamed, slamming her fists into the dashboard. She saw her dad flinch out of the corner of her eye, but her vision was clouded with angry tears and she choked on a sob, shaking her head. “How the fuck could you do that to mom, right after she died? How could you?!”
“…wh-what- who said-” She looked over at her dad, who was staring at her with wide, shocked eyes and jaw agape. “How did you-”
“We heard you, last night,” Jenny said, hiccupping and wiping her eyes. “And Sam heard you th-that night that you… and he put two and two together and figured out that you fucking slept with each other!”
Jenny had never seen her dad speechless. The color had drained away from his face and his knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel so hard. Jenny continued to cry, trying to stifle her sobs; angry with herself for crying, angry with him for doing what he did, angry with Sam for figuring it out, angry at mom for dying…
“…There’s nothing to talk about, forget it,” He turned away from her, and the indifferent expression he wore couldn’t hide the way his hands were still clinging to the steering wheel. Oh hell no, Jenny wasn’t going to take that bullshit from him this time.
“You slept with Mister Dorian!” She howled at him. “Mom wasn’t even in the grave before you just ran off to fuck my boyfriend’s father and you’re telling me to forget it?!”
“I’m your father and you’ll listen to me-”
“I don’t care who the fuck you are! You betrayed my mother’s memory, you egotistical, uncaring whore and I hate you and I hope you-”
“SHUT THE HELL UP!” Her dad’s scream combined with the slam of his hands against the car horn, which screeched and left an uncomfortable quiet as its echo faded. Jenny glared through teary eyes at the man across from her, watching him rest his head against the top of the steering wheel, never hating anyone more in her life…
“…I’m sorry.” Dad muttered quietly, eyes closed as if refusing to look at her. It was as if in an instant he had lost his steel-edged will to fight her and acquiesced to the fact that she deserved to know the truth. “I- you weren’t supposed to find out… ever.”
“Just tell me why. Do you love him or something? Didn’t you love mom?”
“Of course I loved her.” Her dad lifted his head to show the pained expression on his face. “I loved her so damn much, and when she died… I couldn’t deal with it. And Mr. Dorian- JD… he was just there and… and I knew he’d do whatever I asked because… I knew how he felt about me.”
“…What?”
“Mr. Dorian… Newbie knows damn near everything about being a doctor because of me, at least that’s how he seems to consider it. “Her dad’s lips curved into a grim smile. “Not that I don’t love taking credit for it, because it’s mostly true, but anyway, somewhere along the line… I could tell but he never did anything about it because I was with your mother and I think he’s either too chicken-shit or too damn moralistic to try and break people up. But…” Her dad pressed a hand to his eyes and sighed. “Truth be told, somewhere along the line I found I… returned the feelings.”
“You- you what?” Dad loved Mr. Dorian? “But you just said you loved-”
“Jenny, sometimes… sometimes you can fall in love with two different people and have no damn idea what to do about it.” His gaze seemed to drift off somewhere for a moment, as if remembering a long lost memory, but soon returned to look at her. “I couldn’t leave you mother- I didn’t want to leave her,” he said, shaking his head rapidly as if to assure her of the fact. “But he was always around, and I figured that I could deal with it and I did… but when your mother died, I was in so much pain and I just wanted it to stop for a little while, and I thought that he could help me.”
“So you asked him to sleep with you?”
“It was stupid… and now I can’t be around him. Every time I see him I think of what we did and- god… I’m sorry, Jenny.”
Jenny sniffed and wiped away the last moisture from her eyes. Things were clicking together in her mind… dad had always been a cranky bastard, but he’d never seemed so angry at everything around him until mom died. And having to see Mr. Dorian at work every day couldn’t have exactly been easy… he thinks he betrayed mom and me and Jack, she thought to herself, biting her lip and watching her dad stare blankly out to the road ahead.
But he did betray us (but he was in pain) but that’s no excuse (but he made a mistake) but he still loves mom (but… he loves Mr. Dorian too) but he loves me and Jack and doesn’t want to hurt us (even if he has to keep hurting forever to stop us from being hurt…)
“Dad?” He glanced over at her and he looked so damn confused and defeated and it honestly scared her. Because this was her dad and he was always the ‘big man’ who never let anything get to him and was never vulnerable… “Do you still love him?”
Dad swallowed hard and flicked his gaze away. “It doesn’t matter, kiddo.” She opened her mouth to retort but he shook his head, gazing wearily at her. “Please, Jenny, enough for now. I can’t deal with this here. We’ll talk later, okay?”
“…Alright.” And they left off at that, allowing silence to take over the car. Jenny stared out into the traffic in front of them, which seemed endless… plenty of time to think. There was a lot to think about. She was confused and hurt and maybe, just maybe a little scared. If they sat in this traffic long enough, maybe she’d figure this all out.
Then again, Jenny didn’t think the traffic jam she’d need to sort this out could fit on this planet.
~
Sam helped his dad pull the groceries out of their car and watched him move slowly towards the front door of the house. He’d just been discharged from the hospital a few hours ago and everybody who they’d passed as they left told his dad to take it slow. “Only reason you should be back here is to work, not as a patient,” said Mrs. Turk, giving him a hug. “Now go and do something fun with your kid.”
Sam’s first instinct was to have his dad drop him off at Jenny’s house and bang on the door until she opened it up and forgave him… but giving her some time to cool off might be a good idea if he didn’t want a black eye and a broken nose. She’s always had a killer punch, eep.
Dad had asked him what he wanted to do. Honestly, he’d had no idea, but catching a movie always seemed to be a good idea, so they went to the theater and afterwards Sam had the idea of dragging his dad to the grocery store to make sure he had good food. “I am a doctor, you know; I do know how to eat healthy,” Dad had said, chuckling.
“Yeah. Who’s the one who had a heart attack?”
“Point taken. Lead on, Sammy!”
Now they were back home and unpacking groceries. Sam’s thoughts interspersed between recalling the movie and recalling his conversation with Jenny. Shouldn’t have told her… she didn’t need to know… Well it wasn’t as if he’d needed to know either! Idiot, you have to stop listening in on conversations that don’t involve you!
He didn’t even know how he felt about it, really. Dad had never really seemed to have a lasting romantic relationship since mom; there had been one or two dates with various women and men, but nothing where Sam had actually met the person or heard anything more than a ‘They were nice but I don’t see anything coming out of it’ from his dad.
Was it because you were waiting for Mr. Cox? But no, it couldn’t have; otherwise, why wouldn’t they have gotten together after Mrs. Sullivan had died? Maybe because Mr. Cox doesn’t like him that- no, there had to be something on his part; Dad had said himself that Mr. Cox was the one to initiate it. How could he do that, right after his wife had died? And maybe that was why Dad had never done anything; maybe he felt like Mr. Cox belonged to Mrs. Sullivan no matter whether she was alive or dead. Honestly... I think I would have judged them if they’d gotten together so suddenly after her death… but what about now?
“Didn’t we buy olives?”
“Huh?” Sam was jolted out of his thoughts and turned to see his dad rummaging through one of the grocery bags. “Yeah, Dad,” he said, holding out the can. “They were in this bag.”
“Oh.” Dad looked up and smiled at him, taking the can. “Thanks; I was hoping I wasn’t going senile just yet.”
How can he just act like everything’s so… normal, after what he talked about with Mr. Cox last night? But his dad always seemed to act like everything was fine, even if it wasn’t. It was like he didn’t want Sam to see him being anything other than happy and content. Idiot, I can see you’re not… you never really have been.
“Dad?”
“Hmm? Oh, by the way, I was thinking of what we could make out of this stuff and-”
“Dad, I need to talk to you.”
His dad paused in his motions and turned back to look at him, frowning in confusion. “What’s up?”
“Dad… I heard you talking to Mr. Cox last night.”
“…Oh.” His dad’s face seemed to pale a little. “We were just having a little chat about-”
“Don’t make up something, please. I know what it was about.”
“How would you know?”
“That night at the funeral home… I heard you and Mr. Cox talking.”
“Shit…” His dad swallowed hard. “Sam, you can’t tell anybody-”
“It’s too late. I already told Jenny.”
“What?!” Dad looked horrified. “Are you crazy? Oh Christ… Perry is going to kill me and you both; you kids were never supposed to find out…”
“I don’t know if she believed me or not. She yelled at me and said I was an idiot and ran out on me.”
His dad sighed. “Well did you really expect her to believe you? This is her dad we’re talking about; no kid wants to think their parent is capable of that.”
“Dad… you told me once that there was a man you loved who never loved you back… was that Mr. Cox?”
“…Sammy, that’s none of your business,” Dad said, trying to derail the conversation. He wore his “I’m-Your-Father-Do-What-I-Say” expression, but it was honestly the least intimidating face in the world, in Sam’s opinion. “In fact, none of this is-”
“Of course this is my business! You’re my father! He’s my girlfriend’s father! This is completely wrapped up in ‘my business!’”
“Enough. I don’t want to talk about this.” He turned his back to Sam, starting to unpack more groceries. Sam frowned at his back, unwilling to let this end. Because he knew he was right, just by the way his dad had reacted… his dad had been in love with Mr. Cox.
“…How long?”
“How long what?”
“How long have you felt that way about him?”
“Sam-”
“Dad!”
There was a moment of silence, and then- “I can’t pinpoint it.” Sam watched his dad roll an orange in his hand, eyes straying over the countertop. “You know when you wake up one day and realize something that you’ve known for so long but never understood until that moment?”
“…Yes.” Jenny, oh god I’m an idiot. She’ll never forgive me.
“That’s what happened. One day I just woke up, walked into work, and realized that I had fallen in love with the absolutely worst possible to fall in love with. And the best part?” His dad laughed weakly, a pained look on his face. “I knew that he realized it too.”
“You did?”
“Yes. And I guess we had this… unspoken agreement that I’d never do anything about it, and he wouldn’t kill me.”
“But-but he asked you to- to be with him that night, not vice versa! He must’ve felt something for you!”
“No!” Dad shook his head firmly. “He was in love with Jordan. And the only reason he asked me for help was because he knew I wouldn’t refuse. All he wanted was someone to distract him from what was going on, and I did that.”
“Then why have you wasted the last twenty years fawning over a guy who will never love you back?!” Sam shouted, clenching his fists. “It’s not fair! He just used you and took advantage of you and you let him! Why would you? You deserve better than that, Dad!”
“Sam…” His dad’s voice was so quiet. “You can’t really help who you fall in love with. It just happens. It’s not easy, but… what would be the use of trying to pretend I felt that way about anybody else? Would I really have been happier… living that sort of lie?”
…when you stopped pretending you were something that you’re not… The words echoed from some unknown conversation in Sam’s memory. His dad was staring off into the distance, and he looked so tired. “Dad…”
“No more, Sammy; please?” Dad turned to face the counter and started unpacking more groceries. “Perry will probably have words for me tomorrow and… I just don’t need it.”
“But Dad-”
“Sam!” He jumped slightly when his dad slammed a can against the counter. “Just let it go. It’s none of your concern.”
Of course it’s my concern… you’re my Dad. I want you to be happy. He didn’t say this though. He wanted to, but the words wouldn’t come out.
Next Chapter
Chapter: 6
Author: nighthawkms (beta'd by mostepotente
Genre: Future!Fic, Possibly AU
Chapter Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slash, Obscenities, Angst, Character Death
Chapter Pairing:(s) Click to be Spoiled: Sam/Jenny, JD/Cox
Summary: Excerpts from the childhood of Sam Dorian Jr.
Disclaimer: Scrubs is the property of Bill Lawrence and I guess ABC network nowadays. I don't own it, I'm just playing in the 'verse!
Notes: Well, I finally got off my lazy ass and finished the edits I needed on Chapter Six, and now it's ready to go! No edits needed for the last chapter, so that'll be up sooner than later.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Jenny was pissed. Not in the sort of way she was pissed whenever Jack used to pull her pigtails or made nasty comments about her boyfriends (he never said anything about Sam really except to call him a pansy once in a while; it didn’t bother her because it was totally true but then again she wouldn’t have been with him this long if that had been a problem). No, she was pissed in that way she felt when her dad chose to work extra hours so he didn’t have to go home and argue with her over whatever they were fighting over, or whenever she thought about her mom for too long. It was that angry feeling of betrayal, like someone had taken a chainsaw to her heart and shredded it slowly into a bloody cole slaw.
That would taste nasty, she thought, storming down the halls of the hospital. She wasn’t sure exactly where she was going; all she knew was that she was getting away from her liar, liar, liar of an (ex-)boyfriend.
She made it into the stairwell and up two flights before she had to stop. She sank against the wall, body shaking as she wrapped her arms around her knees and dropped her forehead against them, gasping to hold back tears. Stupid fucking tears, you baby.
God, Sam was so stupid. Stupid boys and their jumping to conclusions and… what if he’s right? No, that was a stupid idea. Her dad would never… or would he? But he loved mom! Wasn’t that why he’d changed so much since she died? Mom was always the one to put him in his place and stop him from acting like a moron; she could keep him level-headed. When she died… when she died… He and Mr. Dorian… they’ve been acting really cold to each other since mom died… I hadn’t realized it until now.
Jenny always wished that her mom was still around, and it hurt even more at times like these when she needed that person she could run to for advice about situations too big for her to handle. Of course if Mom was still here, whatever Sam said had happened… wouldn’t have happened.
And it wasn’t fair; wasn’t fair that she wasn’t here, and wasn’t fair that she didn’t have her father to go to with these things - between the nights he didn’t come home and the nights he disappeared into his bedroom to drink away whatever he was feeling, he was like a ghost in her life nowadays. The worst part was that she remembered what he’d been like before Mom had died, and it made her both sad and so mad at the same time because she wanted that back, but she’d never get it, because Mom was gone, gone, gone…
“Jenny.” She whipped her head up, surprised that she hadn’t heard anybody step inside the stairwell. Her dad was kneeling down in front of her, looking annoyed but concerned too; well, as concerned as he ever seemed to look. “What are you doing here?”
“What’s it to you?” she snapped, wiping her eyes and glaring at him.
“Well I seem to remember telling your brother to drive you home last night with the express wish that he not bring you back here. Of course, considering I already saw you here again last night, I shouldn’t be too surprised…” He sighed and stood up. “Come on; I’m driving you home.”
“Jack can pick me up.”
“He could, but then, see, that would mean I’m still allowing him driving privileges after pulling this stunt. And don’t give me that look; I’m sorry your personal chauffer will be without a vehicle for the next month, but that’s the price you both pay. Now come on, up. We’re going.”
Jenny slid up from where she sat and followed her dad, who already had her jacket in hand and tossed it to her. They made their way out of the hospital and to her dad’s Porsche. Jenny got into the shotgun seat and faced the window, glaring when she saw her dad’s reflection getting into the driver’s seat. You arrogant, two-faced bastard; you cheated on mom! I fucking hate you!
If Dad noticed that she was quiet on the drive, he didn’t mention it. They pulled onto the highway, and Jenny was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard her dad groan. “Shit; traffic jam.” She glanced ahead and could see the cars stretching out in front of them for at least a good mile. Dad put the brake on and rubbed his eyes, glaring out at the cars. “Probably an accident or something…”
“Why… why did you do it?” Jenny was staring at her lap and clenching her fists; she couldn’t take it anymore, Sam’s right, oh god he is, they- they-
“What the hell are you talking about, Jenny?”
“WHY DID YOU SLEEP WITH SAM’S DAD?” she screamed, slamming her fists into the dashboard. She saw her dad flinch out of the corner of her eye, but her vision was clouded with angry tears and she choked on a sob, shaking her head. “How the fuck could you do that to mom, right after she died? How could you?!”
“…wh-what- who said-” She looked over at her dad, who was staring at her with wide, shocked eyes and jaw agape. “How did you-”
“We heard you, last night,” Jenny said, hiccupping and wiping her eyes. “And Sam heard you th-that night that you… and he put two and two together and figured out that you fucking slept with each other!”
Jenny had never seen her dad speechless. The color had drained away from his face and his knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel so hard. Jenny continued to cry, trying to stifle her sobs; angry with herself for crying, angry with him for doing what he did, angry with Sam for figuring it out, angry at mom for dying…
“…There’s nothing to talk about, forget it,” He turned away from her, and the indifferent expression he wore couldn’t hide the way his hands were still clinging to the steering wheel. Oh hell no, Jenny wasn’t going to take that bullshit from him this time.
“You slept with Mister Dorian!” She howled at him. “Mom wasn’t even in the grave before you just ran off to fuck my boyfriend’s father and you’re telling me to forget it?!”
“I’m your father and you’ll listen to me-”
“I don’t care who the fuck you are! You betrayed my mother’s memory, you egotistical, uncaring whore and I hate you and I hope you-”
“SHUT THE HELL UP!” Her dad’s scream combined with the slam of his hands against the car horn, which screeched and left an uncomfortable quiet as its echo faded. Jenny glared through teary eyes at the man across from her, watching him rest his head against the top of the steering wheel, never hating anyone more in her life…
“…I’m sorry.” Dad muttered quietly, eyes closed as if refusing to look at her. It was as if in an instant he had lost his steel-edged will to fight her and acquiesced to the fact that she deserved to know the truth. “I- you weren’t supposed to find out… ever.”
“Just tell me why. Do you love him or something? Didn’t you love mom?”
“Of course I loved her.” Her dad lifted his head to show the pained expression on his face. “I loved her so damn much, and when she died… I couldn’t deal with it. And Mr. Dorian- JD… he was just there and… and I knew he’d do whatever I asked because… I knew how he felt about me.”
“…What?”
“Mr. Dorian… Newbie knows damn near everything about being a doctor because of me, at least that’s how he seems to consider it. “Her dad’s lips curved into a grim smile. “Not that I don’t love taking credit for it, because it’s mostly true, but anyway, somewhere along the line… I could tell but he never did anything about it because I was with your mother and I think he’s either too chicken-shit or too damn moralistic to try and break people up. But…” Her dad pressed a hand to his eyes and sighed. “Truth be told, somewhere along the line I found I… returned the feelings.”
“You- you what?” Dad loved Mr. Dorian? “But you just said you loved-”
“Jenny, sometimes… sometimes you can fall in love with two different people and have no damn idea what to do about it.” His gaze seemed to drift off somewhere for a moment, as if remembering a long lost memory, but soon returned to look at her. “I couldn’t leave you mother- I didn’t want to leave her,” he said, shaking his head rapidly as if to assure her of the fact. “But he was always around, and I figured that I could deal with it and I did… but when your mother died, I was in so much pain and I just wanted it to stop for a little while, and I thought that he could help me.”
“So you asked him to sleep with you?”
“It was stupid… and now I can’t be around him. Every time I see him I think of what we did and- god… I’m sorry, Jenny.”
Jenny sniffed and wiped away the last moisture from her eyes. Things were clicking together in her mind… dad had always been a cranky bastard, but he’d never seemed so angry at everything around him until mom died. And having to see Mr. Dorian at work every day couldn’t have exactly been easy… he thinks he betrayed mom and me and Jack, she thought to herself, biting her lip and watching her dad stare blankly out to the road ahead.
But he did betray us (but he was in pain) but that’s no excuse (but he made a mistake) but he still loves mom (but… he loves Mr. Dorian too) but he loves me and Jack and doesn’t want to hurt us (even if he has to keep hurting forever to stop us from being hurt…)
“Dad?” He glanced over at her and he looked so damn confused and defeated and it honestly scared her. Because this was her dad and he was always the ‘big man’ who never let anything get to him and was never vulnerable… “Do you still love him?”
Dad swallowed hard and flicked his gaze away. “It doesn’t matter, kiddo.” She opened her mouth to retort but he shook his head, gazing wearily at her. “Please, Jenny, enough for now. I can’t deal with this here. We’ll talk later, okay?”
“…Alright.” And they left off at that, allowing silence to take over the car. Jenny stared out into the traffic in front of them, which seemed endless… plenty of time to think. There was a lot to think about. She was confused and hurt and maybe, just maybe a little scared. If they sat in this traffic long enough, maybe she’d figure this all out.
Then again, Jenny didn’t think the traffic jam she’d need to sort this out could fit on this planet.
~
Sam helped his dad pull the groceries out of their car and watched him move slowly towards the front door of the house. He’d just been discharged from the hospital a few hours ago and everybody who they’d passed as they left told his dad to take it slow. “Only reason you should be back here is to work, not as a patient,” said Mrs. Turk, giving him a hug. “Now go and do something fun with your kid.”
Sam’s first instinct was to have his dad drop him off at Jenny’s house and bang on the door until she opened it up and forgave him… but giving her some time to cool off might be a good idea if he didn’t want a black eye and a broken nose. She’s always had a killer punch, eep.
Dad had asked him what he wanted to do. Honestly, he’d had no idea, but catching a movie always seemed to be a good idea, so they went to the theater and afterwards Sam had the idea of dragging his dad to the grocery store to make sure he had good food. “I am a doctor, you know; I do know how to eat healthy,” Dad had said, chuckling.
“Yeah. Who’s the one who had a heart attack?”
“Point taken. Lead on, Sammy!”
Now they were back home and unpacking groceries. Sam’s thoughts interspersed between recalling the movie and recalling his conversation with Jenny. Shouldn’t have told her… she didn’t need to know… Well it wasn’t as if he’d needed to know either! Idiot, you have to stop listening in on conversations that don’t involve you!
He didn’t even know how he felt about it, really. Dad had never really seemed to have a lasting romantic relationship since mom; there had been one or two dates with various women and men, but nothing where Sam had actually met the person or heard anything more than a ‘They were nice but I don’t see anything coming out of it’ from his dad.
Was it because you were waiting for Mr. Cox? But no, it couldn’t have; otherwise, why wouldn’t they have gotten together after Mrs. Sullivan had died? Maybe because Mr. Cox doesn’t like him that- no, there had to be something on his part; Dad had said himself that Mr. Cox was the one to initiate it. How could he do that, right after his wife had died? And maybe that was why Dad had never done anything; maybe he felt like Mr. Cox belonged to Mrs. Sullivan no matter whether she was alive or dead. Honestly... I think I would have judged them if they’d gotten together so suddenly after her death… but what about now?
“Didn’t we buy olives?”
“Huh?” Sam was jolted out of his thoughts and turned to see his dad rummaging through one of the grocery bags. “Yeah, Dad,” he said, holding out the can. “They were in this bag.”
“Oh.” Dad looked up and smiled at him, taking the can. “Thanks; I was hoping I wasn’t going senile just yet.”
How can he just act like everything’s so… normal, after what he talked about with Mr. Cox last night? But his dad always seemed to act like everything was fine, even if it wasn’t. It was like he didn’t want Sam to see him being anything other than happy and content. Idiot, I can see you’re not… you never really have been.
“Dad?”
“Hmm? Oh, by the way, I was thinking of what we could make out of this stuff and-”
“Dad, I need to talk to you.”
His dad paused in his motions and turned back to look at him, frowning in confusion. “What’s up?”
“Dad… I heard you talking to Mr. Cox last night.”
“…Oh.” His dad’s face seemed to pale a little. “We were just having a little chat about-”
“Don’t make up something, please. I know what it was about.”
“How would you know?”
“That night at the funeral home… I heard you and Mr. Cox talking.”
“Shit…” His dad swallowed hard. “Sam, you can’t tell anybody-”
“It’s too late. I already told Jenny.”
“What?!” Dad looked horrified. “Are you crazy? Oh Christ… Perry is going to kill me and you both; you kids were never supposed to find out…”
“I don’t know if she believed me or not. She yelled at me and said I was an idiot and ran out on me.”
His dad sighed. “Well did you really expect her to believe you? This is her dad we’re talking about; no kid wants to think their parent is capable of that.”
“Dad… you told me once that there was a man you loved who never loved you back… was that Mr. Cox?”
“…Sammy, that’s none of your business,” Dad said, trying to derail the conversation. He wore his “I’m-Your-Father-Do-What-I-Say” expression, but it was honestly the least intimidating face in the world, in Sam’s opinion. “In fact, none of this is-”
“Of course this is my business! You’re my father! He’s my girlfriend’s father! This is completely wrapped up in ‘my business!’”
“Enough. I don’t want to talk about this.” He turned his back to Sam, starting to unpack more groceries. Sam frowned at his back, unwilling to let this end. Because he knew he was right, just by the way his dad had reacted… his dad had been in love with Mr. Cox.
“…How long?”
“How long what?”
“How long have you felt that way about him?”
“Sam-”
“Dad!”
There was a moment of silence, and then- “I can’t pinpoint it.” Sam watched his dad roll an orange in his hand, eyes straying over the countertop. “You know when you wake up one day and realize something that you’ve known for so long but never understood until that moment?”
“…Yes.” Jenny, oh god I’m an idiot. She’ll never forgive me.
“That’s what happened. One day I just woke up, walked into work, and realized that I had fallen in love with the absolutely worst possible to fall in love with. And the best part?” His dad laughed weakly, a pained look on his face. “I knew that he realized it too.”
“You did?”
“Yes. And I guess we had this… unspoken agreement that I’d never do anything about it, and he wouldn’t kill me.”
“But-but he asked you to- to be with him that night, not vice versa! He must’ve felt something for you!”
“No!” Dad shook his head firmly. “He was in love with Jordan. And the only reason he asked me for help was because he knew I wouldn’t refuse. All he wanted was someone to distract him from what was going on, and I did that.”
“Then why have you wasted the last twenty years fawning over a guy who will never love you back?!” Sam shouted, clenching his fists. “It’s not fair! He just used you and took advantage of you and you let him! Why would you? You deserve better than that, Dad!”
“Sam…” His dad’s voice was so quiet. “You can’t really help who you fall in love with. It just happens. It’s not easy, but… what would be the use of trying to pretend I felt that way about anybody else? Would I really have been happier… living that sort of lie?”
…when you stopped pretending you were something that you’re not… The words echoed from some unknown conversation in Sam’s memory. His dad was staring off into the distance, and he looked so tired. “Dad…”
“No more, Sammy; please?” Dad turned to face the counter and started unpacking more groceries. “Perry will probably have words for me tomorrow and… I just don’t need it.”
“But Dad-”
“Sam!” He jumped slightly when his dad slammed a can against the counter. “Just let it go. It’s none of your concern.”
Of course it’s my concern… you’re my Dad. I want you to be happy. He didn’t say this though. He wanted to, but the words wouldn’t come out.
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