Daydreams
I let myself daydream too much.
Tonight, I found myself looking at job sites, hunting for jobs in other cities. I don't know why. I mean, I do know why, but I don't know if I could actually make a move happen. I'd need relocation help at this point, and without a college degree, I doubt that any prospective employer would give that to me.
I daydream too much. Usually I would go to Starbucks and get a coffee and sit and think about stuff. But I'm broke right now. lol
I do have my new roommate moving in next weekend. That will help the money situation. I'm really dreaming of traveling with my extra money and easing my loneliness. I have friends all over the country, thanks to the internet, and I could go see them. I only get depressed when I'm at home and alone and just wish someone would hug and cuddle with me. In all reality, I'll still find it hard to travel.
It's funny. When I have been able to be in other cities, visiting friends, I'm not so social phobic...probably because of the endorphin rush coming from being around people I like and who like me. I do get twinges of anxiety, but being around people I know and care about helps. Also, for some reason it's easier to "fake it" when I'm somewhere else. I'm less apt to feel judged...or is it that I care less? Here in Denver, though, I don't really have day-to-day friends, or even friends that I see every weekend. It's easier for anxiety to set in. These people will see me again, and they talk to each other, and they judge in groups, and they shake their heads and disapprove: of my body, my face, my clothes, my voice, my words...
I dunno. Intellectually I know there are actual real world reasons for my non-socialization. Most guys that I know here in Denver are partnered...single guys don't really fit in well. Also, I don't have a car, and the things I have been invited to have been located outside of my public transit life. Also, I know that here in Denver, not a lot of guys like guys who are as big as I am. In my observation, I'm one of the biggest guys in the gay community...and even in the bear community, there's size limits. But realistically, no one will flat out laugh at me if I go to a gay bar. No one will point and laugh or openly express disgust. Then again, I know of one guy here in Denver, very active in the bear community, who comments on mutual friends' FB statuses that fat men are extremely unappealing and how has the bear community sunk so low as to have these fatasses claiming that they're bears...so there's that.
Of course, we're not even getting into the lack of sexual satiation in my life.
Two of my friends from abroad, both of whom I have had more than small crushes on, made it Facebook-Official today, posting that they were in a relationship. One lives in Massachusetts, the other in Arkansas, they're gonna find a way to live together. I suppose that's an option for me, but it doesn't seem feasible seeing as how Denver is so isolated from everything else. These two guys are always driving in between states. New England is so densely packed with people and cities, it's easy to date someone from another state or city. Arkansas... my friend lives in Jonesboro, AR, and he has friends in Missouri, Tennessee...it's very close to Nashville, where he drove to when he was seeing someone who lived there. Here in Denver, it seems like you need a car to even date someone in the same city. Everything is so spread out. No major cities close...Denver is it, and it's expensive to travel anywhere. My friend suggested even trying to take the bus somewhere. "Don't you guys have MegaBus? you could probably take that to Chicago for cheap." Nope, bus or even the train is just as expensive as flying, and it takes much longer.
I feel like I make excuses a lot. and maybe I do. I know a lot of people think I do...but these are real problems, and I don't know how others live that life, but I can't afford to travel so much...even once every two months. When I have been able to travel, it's because of someone else's kindness: my mom offers to buy me a plane ticket to visit friends every year for my birthday. This year, I didn't even bother taking time off for my birthday. I like traveling, because it takes the focus off of my life here in Denver, alone. Last year, I visited Portland for my birthday and had a wonderful time. This year, I will probably stay home, and I won't have anyone to celebrate it with. My mom may offer to take me out to dinner, but that has become something we do routinely. She offers to travel with me, to go some place to visit, but I feel a little weird about hanging out with my mom like that. Hanging out with my mom won't find me love. And I desperately want to find someone.
so, that's where I'm at right now. all I do is daydream about ways my life could be better, and what if my life were this way or that way, but then I pause and let reality sink in. If I'm sitting, I suddenly find my face in my hands. If I'm laying in bed, I bury my face in a pillow. And I cry. I cry at what my life has become.
I really don't see my life improving in the future at all. I feel extremely powerless and I don't see any realistic options for improvement. To think otherwise would simply be a daydream, and I have too many of those.
Tonight, I found myself looking at job sites, hunting for jobs in other cities. I don't know why. I mean, I do know why, but I don't know if I could actually make a move happen. I'd need relocation help at this point, and without a college degree, I doubt that any prospective employer would give that to me.
I daydream too much. Usually I would go to Starbucks and get a coffee and sit and think about stuff. But I'm broke right now. lol
I do have my new roommate moving in next weekend. That will help the money situation. I'm really dreaming of traveling with my extra money and easing my loneliness. I have friends all over the country, thanks to the internet, and I could go see them. I only get depressed when I'm at home and alone and just wish someone would hug and cuddle with me. In all reality, I'll still find it hard to travel.
It's funny. When I have been able to be in other cities, visiting friends, I'm not so social phobic...probably because of the endorphin rush coming from being around people I like and who like me. I do get twinges of anxiety, but being around people I know and care about helps. Also, for some reason it's easier to "fake it" when I'm somewhere else. I'm less apt to feel judged...or is it that I care less? Here in Denver, though, I don't really have day-to-day friends, or even friends that I see every weekend. It's easier for anxiety to set in. These people will see me again, and they talk to each other, and they judge in groups, and they shake their heads and disapprove: of my body, my face, my clothes, my voice, my words...
I dunno. Intellectually I know there are actual real world reasons for my non-socialization. Most guys that I know here in Denver are partnered...single guys don't really fit in well. Also, I don't have a car, and the things I have been invited to have been located outside of my public transit life. Also, I know that here in Denver, not a lot of guys like guys who are as big as I am. In my observation, I'm one of the biggest guys in the gay community...and even in the bear community, there's size limits. But realistically, no one will flat out laugh at me if I go to a gay bar. No one will point and laugh or openly express disgust. Then again, I know of one guy here in Denver, very active in the bear community, who comments on mutual friends' FB statuses that fat men are extremely unappealing and how has the bear community sunk so low as to have these fatasses claiming that they're bears...so there's that.
Of course, we're not even getting into the lack of sexual satiation in my life.
Two of my friends from abroad, both of whom I have had more than small crushes on, made it Facebook-Official today, posting that they were in a relationship. One lives in Massachusetts, the other in Arkansas, they're gonna find a way to live together. I suppose that's an option for me, but it doesn't seem feasible seeing as how Denver is so isolated from everything else. These two guys are always driving in between states. New England is so densely packed with people and cities, it's easy to date someone from another state or city. Arkansas... my friend lives in Jonesboro, AR, and he has friends in Missouri, Tennessee...it's very close to Nashville, where he drove to when he was seeing someone who lived there. Here in Denver, it seems like you need a car to even date someone in the same city. Everything is so spread out. No major cities close...Denver is it, and it's expensive to travel anywhere. My friend suggested even trying to take the bus somewhere. "Don't you guys have MegaBus? you could probably take that to Chicago for cheap." Nope, bus or even the train is just as expensive as flying, and it takes much longer.
I feel like I make excuses a lot. and maybe I do. I know a lot of people think I do...but these are real problems, and I don't know how others live that life, but I can't afford to travel so much...even once every two months. When I have been able to travel, it's because of someone else's kindness: my mom offers to buy me a plane ticket to visit friends every year for my birthday. This year, I didn't even bother taking time off for my birthday. I like traveling, because it takes the focus off of my life here in Denver, alone. Last year, I visited Portland for my birthday and had a wonderful time. This year, I will probably stay home, and I won't have anyone to celebrate it with. My mom may offer to take me out to dinner, but that has become something we do routinely. She offers to travel with me, to go some place to visit, but I feel a little weird about hanging out with my mom like that. Hanging out with my mom won't find me love. And I desperately want to find someone.
so, that's where I'm at right now. all I do is daydream about ways my life could be better, and what if my life were this way or that way, but then I pause and let reality sink in. If I'm sitting, I suddenly find my face in my hands. If I'm laying in bed, I bury my face in a pillow. And I cry. I cry at what my life has become.
I really don't see my life improving in the future at all. I feel extremely powerless and I don't see any realistic options for improvement. To think otherwise would simply be a daydream, and I have too many of those.