sneaking back in for another load of crazy.
*walks back in, brews a cup of herbal tea, sits*
hey.
I wanted to bring back LJ. that was about a year and a half ago. it never happened for me. let's try it again.
I think maybe journaling may be good for everyone, but it's especially important for someone like me who lives in his head. I'm constantly thinking about my life and it's situations, analyzing and overanalyzing and overthinking and over and over and over... Maybe if I vomit out words into this journal, they won't linger in my head.
I thought tumblr and g+ a replacement for this...but really, tumblr isn't meant for wordy posts. apparently, in my case, it's meant for looking at food porn and naked men. Tumblr also makes me feel suuuuper shitty about myself. Not because of the food porn, but the constant stream of hot guys. someone like me? that does amazingly horrible things to my self-esteem. I'm starting to think that I should just avoid guys all together. for years now, I've had this intense longing for someone, for closeness, for intimacy. I dunno if that's something I should want anymore.
Today is Father's Day, and a year and a week ago, my own father passed away. a week ago, my last roommate/good friend passed away. death death death. but we're all headed there eventually.
This weekend was Denver Pride, and I didn't go to any festivities. At first I wanted to, and got really really fucked up because I didn't have anyone to go with. But then I realized...I don't feel proud at all. I don't feel part of the community. I don't feel wanted there. This may or may not be in my head, but this weekend I realized some things:
1. Gay bars are only for a certain type of gay guy, and I'm not that type of guy. The thought of going to a gay bar makes my heart pound, and whenever I go to one, I feel awkward and weird and uncomfortable. and I feel like I'm making other people feel that way too. Why do I want to go to one? To socialize? I never really do any socialization, I just watch. I have a hard time meeting new people and making friends in that kind of environment.
2. People are only there for you if it's convenient for them. There are people who want to socialize with me, but they're all out of reach. I don't think they realize how out of reach they are either. More than a few of them live in the suburbs. so, yeah, I don't have a car. yeah, I ride the bus. not all bus routes run on the weekends, and if they do, they usually cut down service. I got invited to a party a few weeks ago, it was on a Saturday night. I would have had to take an hour and a half bus ride, then walk 20 minutes, to get to the party at 5, when it started. then I would only be able to stay 20 min before I had to rush out to make the last bus back into the city. I guess I should be grateful I'm even getting invited. I'd be more grateful if they said "Hey Larry, meet me for coffee/lunch/whatever at this location that's mutually accessible to both of us?"
3. Horniness goes away if you masturbate. I know, duh, right? but as much as I pine for guys, half of it is caused by withholding masturbation from myself. Masturbation makes me feel weird after, uncomfortable, but I'm realizing it's the lesser of two evils. I can't get laid here in Denver, I have an overly fat body with weird, unappealing parts, and a tiny dick. I'm tired of pretending that I'm appealing to anyone around here. so, in order to keep my sanity, not to mention to prevent my balls from having a constant dull ache, I have to find a way to become a masturbation enthusiast. I need to find a way to get over the bad feelings that happen immediately after I orgasm, because half an hour later, I'm semi-okay, my head is clear, and I can focus on other things than "I wish I had someone to have sex with".
4. Other things can substitute for companionship. Can they? They have to. I read. I still write. I go to starbucks. I eat decently (obviously). I play some xbox. I watch anime. I've been trying my hand at abstract painting. I have things that I enjoy, without sharing them with others. Would it be nice to have someone to share them with? yes, but I can't afford to think like that. the tiniest hair of that thought pattern and I go crashing down. I can't afford to think about being lonely. I need to think about having a life that involves me and only me. Not by choice, but for survival.
I've been fighting my fuck-brain for over 15...neigh on 20 years now. I'm tired of fighting. just let me be alone and I'll be fine.
hey.
I wanted to bring back LJ. that was about a year and a half ago. it never happened for me. let's try it again.
I think maybe journaling may be good for everyone, but it's especially important for someone like me who lives in his head. I'm constantly thinking about my life and it's situations, analyzing and overanalyzing and overthinking and over and over and over... Maybe if I vomit out words into this journal, they won't linger in my head.
I thought tumblr and g+ a replacement for this...but really, tumblr isn't meant for wordy posts. apparently, in my case, it's meant for looking at food porn and naked men. Tumblr also makes me feel suuuuper shitty about myself. Not because of the food porn, but the constant stream of hot guys. someone like me? that does amazingly horrible things to my self-esteem. I'm starting to think that I should just avoid guys all together. for years now, I've had this intense longing for someone, for closeness, for intimacy. I dunno if that's something I should want anymore.
Today is Father's Day, and a year and a week ago, my own father passed away. a week ago, my last roommate/good friend passed away. death death death. but we're all headed there eventually.
This weekend was Denver Pride, and I didn't go to any festivities. At first I wanted to, and got really really fucked up because I didn't have anyone to go with. But then I realized...I don't feel proud at all. I don't feel part of the community. I don't feel wanted there. This may or may not be in my head, but this weekend I realized some things:
1. Gay bars are only for a certain type of gay guy, and I'm not that type of guy. The thought of going to a gay bar makes my heart pound, and whenever I go to one, I feel awkward and weird and uncomfortable. and I feel like I'm making other people feel that way too. Why do I want to go to one? To socialize? I never really do any socialization, I just watch. I have a hard time meeting new people and making friends in that kind of environment.
2. People are only there for you if it's convenient for them. There are people who want to socialize with me, but they're all out of reach. I don't think they realize how out of reach they are either. More than a few of them live in the suburbs. so, yeah, I don't have a car. yeah, I ride the bus. not all bus routes run on the weekends, and if they do, they usually cut down service. I got invited to a party a few weeks ago, it was on a Saturday night. I would have had to take an hour and a half bus ride, then walk 20 minutes, to get to the party at 5, when it started. then I would only be able to stay 20 min before I had to rush out to make the last bus back into the city. I guess I should be grateful I'm even getting invited. I'd be more grateful if they said "Hey Larry, meet me for coffee/lunch/whatever at this location that's mutually accessible to both of us?"
3. Horniness goes away if you masturbate. I know, duh, right? but as much as I pine for guys, half of it is caused by withholding masturbation from myself. Masturbation makes me feel weird after, uncomfortable, but I'm realizing it's the lesser of two evils. I can't get laid here in Denver, I have an overly fat body with weird, unappealing parts, and a tiny dick. I'm tired of pretending that I'm appealing to anyone around here. so, in order to keep my sanity, not to mention to prevent my balls from having a constant dull ache, I have to find a way to become a masturbation enthusiast. I need to find a way to get over the bad feelings that happen immediately after I orgasm, because half an hour later, I'm semi-okay, my head is clear, and I can focus on other things than "I wish I had someone to have sex with".
4. Other things can substitute for companionship. Can they? They have to. I read. I still write. I go to starbucks. I eat decently (obviously). I play some xbox. I watch anime. I've been trying my hand at abstract painting. I have things that I enjoy, without sharing them with others. Would it be nice to have someone to share them with? yes, but I can't afford to think like that. the tiniest hair of that thought pattern and I go crashing down. I can't afford to think about being lonely. I need to think about having a life that involves me and only me. Not by choice, but for survival.
I've been fighting my fuck-brain for over 15...neigh on 20 years now. I'm tired of fighting. just let me be alone and I'll be fine.