Storms
It was really storming good this afternoon. Hail and sheets of rain were coming down. I was watching it out the window in my living room of my garden level apartment and I saw a lightning strike no more than 10 feet away from my window. It was very bright, blinding even. And then came the boom. Deafening.
I had went in early to work today because I was supposed to have an appointment with Kaiser Permanente at their Behavioral Health Center, which is not centralized at all. In fact it's very inconvenient for me to get to as I have to take three buses and take a hour and 15 minute trip to get out there. Granted, that's about how long my commute to work is on the bus, but I can't be taking off time from work even twice a month to go out there as their appointments are only 8 to 5 Monday through Friday. I cancelled my appointment. I couldn't really afford the copay anyway, because I am paying bills by myself. Isn't it sad that in today's America you have to choose between health care and other bills.
I still don't have a roommate. I need to find one. I am able to pay bills by myself and I'm able to pay my bills at the beginning of the month when I get paid, but that leaves me very little money to work with for the rest of the month, and by the end of the month my funds are depleted. I suppose I shouldn't be talking about my money situation, I've been told it's gauche. I guess it's just a huge source of frustration for me. At least, it's one of my sources of frustration that I have right now. I really needed to go to Kaiser for my mental health appointment. It was supposed to be my first session but I guess that was a choice I made to skip out on it. I don't know why I guess if I really needed to I could ask my mom for money but I'm pushing 40 and I don't feel like I should be still dependent on my mother to pay things for me. Maybe it's pride, if nothing else it's foolish.
Mental health care should not be this hard to get access to. I truly feel like I have no access to mental health right now. Kaiser has made it near impossible for me to get care seeing as how their mental health providers will not see any patients outside of the behavioral health centers, which are extremely hard for me to get to. I suppose I could pursue private practice but I'm almost positive I would not be able to afford that even with a roommate. If I can't afford Kaiser's copay, I REALLY can't afford private therapy. And I know I make too much to pursue below-income care or sliding scale care. I really am at a loss of what to do right now.
I have been invited to meet up with people this weekend to go see the Cherry Blossom Festival in Sakura square downtown Denver. It is this weekend and I would be looking forward to this social opportunity, however my mother needs some help on the day that I was invited. I'm very torn. I don't get invites for social situations a lot and I feel like if I turn these guys down, it will be the last time they invite me for something. The kids on tumblr call it FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) or FOBF (Fear Of Being Forgotten). Social situations like this do not come around for me very often. However I really don't have a choice but to help out with my mother Sunday afternoon. I guess I will just hope and pray that these guys will remember that I exist at a future date. I really like everybody that was going to be involved and I really do not want to be forgotten. I also don't want to be thought of as someone who always turns down invitations. At the time that I turn these invites down, I have good reasons to do so, or at least that's what I believe. I suppose I shouldn't leave people waiting around for me, I can't expect people to wait for me forever. I really, really hate the way my brain and emotions work sometimes. I wish I wasn't so socially phobic. I wish I was normal in the sense that normal people aren't scared to talk to people that they have already established a casual, more-than-acquaintance-actually-friendly-like relationship with. But this kind of thing terrifies me. I hate the fact that I I am nearly 40 years old and I have never learned how to do these things. I don't know if it was a failing of my upbringing, or a personal, mental flaw, but I never learned how to establish friendships. I never learned how to break the ice and start conversations. Here I am on the internet, spilling out my guts for the entire world to read, yet I find it so hard to even meet someone for lunch, or Starbucks, or really anything. It's nearly impossible for me to set foot in a busy gay bar by myself without clinging to someone who I trust do not abandon me and let me fend for myself. I guess I really don't have anyone to blame but myself. I always say that I don't have friends and that no one is interested in dating me here in Denver, but really it's only because I don't put myself out there, I cannot put myself out there. It feels very dangerous for me to put myself out there. I really don't know how to fix this.
I hate hate hate hate the way my brain works.
I guess it was storming outside and inside my head too.