a long ways away from the place you thought you'd be by now
so parade finished last week. it was a success but a huge pain in the ass during tech week. i had a minor meltdown 2 days before opening night over spike tape, but otherwise everything went quite well and the show was well received. the running crew was so adorable too. it was all freshmen who were really fun and sweet. they bought me and the rest of the stage management team chocolates. so cute. it would have been nice to have a second week of shows and i think it would have done well because it was sold out for just about every performance. but its nice to have my life back. spring break is in 2 weeks and i'm wondering where my semester went.
i started my new job this week at ann taylor. its nice and the people all seem nice and it gives me a reason to leave the house and make myself look presentable. parade had been doing that for me on the days when i didnt have class but this time i'm getting paid for leaving the house so in that sense it's more gratifying. i'm hoping that i can get the hang of selling as soon as i figure out where everything in the store is and all so that i can build a client base and make commission. the clothes are so nice there and as soon as i can get my head above water a little bit i'll be using my discount. but for now i need to figure out how i'm going to pay the rent and utilities. i may need to call home and ask for money, which i hate doing. but i havent been working and my babysitting client has been gone so my money is gone. i'm in a bit of a state of financial ruin but hopefully i can get out of it now that i have a job again and irene is coming back in 3 weeks and i did another babysitting job on friday in montclair and they asked if i would come back again so i think i have that now. its funny how not working for the sake of working on 2 departmental shows has left me so beyond broke.
i'm feeling really unmotivated and uninspired lately. its a different sensation than when things get bad for me. i just don't want to do anything and don't really care about anything. i really want to force myself to run tomorrow because my body image is falling to pieces right now. i know i just ran a marathon 6 weeks ago but i havent really done anything in about 3 weeks, opting for sleep instead of physical activity. i really think i could sleep forever if i didn't have places to go and things to do. i just am tired. and it's not like i'm doing anything. i'm just finding it hard to care about anyone or anything, more specifically myself. i almost wish i was miserable so that i could feel something other than numbness and occasional anxiety. at least then i'd know i was still alive. and maybe something would stir inside of me to make me want to do something worthwhile. in any case i'm starting to worry myself. so for once i actually almost want to tell everyone who worries about me that they're right to do so.
i started my new job this week at ann taylor. its nice and the people all seem nice and it gives me a reason to leave the house and make myself look presentable. parade had been doing that for me on the days when i didnt have class but this time i'm getting paid for leaving the house so in that sense it's more gratifying. i'm hoping that i can get the hang of selling as soon as i figure out where everything in the store is and all so that i can build a client base and make commission. the clothes are so nice there and as soon as i can get my head above water a little bit i'll be using my discount. but for now i need to figure out how i'm going to pay the rent and utilities. i may need to call home and ask for money, which i hate doing. but i havent been working and my babysitting client has been gone so my money is gone. i'm in a bit of a state of financial ruin but hopefully i can get out of it now that i have a job again and irene is coming back in 3 weeks and i did another babysitting job on friday in montclair and they asked if i would come back again so i think i have that now. its funny how not working for the sake of working on 2 departmental shows has left me so beyond broke.
i'm feeling really unmotivated and uninspired lately. its a different sensation than when things get bad for me. i just don't want to do anything and don't really care about anything. i really want to force myself to run tomorrow because my body image is falling to pieces right now. i know i just ran a marathon 6 weeks ago but i havent really done anything in about 3 weeks, opting for sleep instead of physical activity. i really think i could sleep forever if i didn't have places to go and things to do. i just am tired. and it's not like i'm doing anything. i'm just finding it hard to care about anyone or anything, more specifically myself. i almost wish i was miserable so that i could feel something other than numbness and occasional anxiety. at least then i'd know i was still alive. and maybe something would stir inside of me to make me want to do something worthwhile. in any case i'm starting to worry myself. so for once i actually almost want to tell everyone who worries about me that they're right to do so.