guide me, give me your strength
i used to hate gavin degraw. somewhere between the end of the summer and now i started to adore him. chariot is really a very good album. musically and lyrically. yeah i said it. condemn me if you wish, say i told you so if you please.
its almost december. on wednesday its going to be the 12th month of 2004. when exactly did all this creep up on me is what i'd like to know. i keep repeating myself but its all gone by too fast. most of it is just a blur and i havent been drinking enough for it to be this hazy. in any case, december means christmas. i hate christmas. it stresses me out with all the preparation and shopping and nonsense. i always spend too much money, worry if what ive gotten for people is good enough, and while getting gifts and seeing my family is always fun, christmas always leaves me broke and the holiday season sort of depresses me. ok sort of is an understatement. i partially think this is attributed to the fact that i was in love the past 4 christmases. this year i am but a lonely spinster. and you can roll your eyes at me if you like and tell me to stop being so fucking dramatic. if i was you and you were me i would probably be doing ths same. but it's sort of weird for me. the last christmas i was single i was 15 years old. a kid. so the feeling of loneliness doesn't hit so hard when at that age. it's one less person to spend money on, which is good. but having a somebody around christmas is special. it adds a little something. and when i was with my somebodies they meant a lot to me. the fact that the meaning is basically gone now is....well why i'm not with them. so if it was christmas with either of them it obviously would be another story and not the good kind. but being in love is nice. its a really good feeling. and it's helped to make christmas a little sweeter in the past. and being physically closer to my family....i havent spent much time with them lately because of work and school. when my sister told my nephew i would be at thanksgiving dinner, he said "did she move to massachussetts like ginger and dawn? we never see her anymore." this made me feel very sad. and i feel like i'm not as close with my family as i used to be, or as i'd like to be. also, my circle of friends is dwindling. well not exactly. but i'm realizing who my friends are. and i have very little time for those few people. and i feel guilty. i dont feel as close with the people i used to feel close to, and others can drop off the face of the earth for all i'm concerned. not that i don't care. but they don't and have taken themselves out of my life to the point where they could drop off the face of the earth and i probably wouldn't notice.
so i feel very detatched in a lot of ways. and christmas is a bad holiday for those who feel detatched.
factor in end of semester, finals, and a move to a new place and having to get settled and stuff, and it looks like the next few weeks are going to suck.
and i don't know what i'm doing for new years. usually i have a pretty good idea of how i will ring in the new year or who i will ring it in with. this year i have no clue....its still early yet to think about it too much but i dont want to spend the new year alone. this much i know.
oh ps for anyone who read the last entry, disregard it. i was in a blind fit of rage and i dont even know why it was written.
i'm having a hard time dealing with some emotional problems that are probably the result of my own personal and genetic history in conjuntion with fairly recent events. i alone cannot sort this out. my friends, good as their intentions may be, cannot help me. nor can my family. nor can pills or alcohol or writing or any massochistic alternative. i'm flailing blindly for a solution to making this roller coaster of emotion come to a stop that doesn't require destroying the track on which it rides, to be metaphorical about it.
i'm going to eat dinner and throw my clothes in the dryer. and do some work which really needs to be tended to.
later.
its almost december. on wednesday its going to be the 12th month of 2004. when exactly did all this creep up on me is what i'd like to know. i keep repeating myself but its all gone by too fast. most of it is just a blur and i havent been drinking enough for it to be this hazy. in any case, december means christmas. i hate christmas. it stresses me out with all the preparation and shopping and nonsense. i always spend too much money, worry if what ive gotten for people is good enough, and while getting gifts and seeing my family is always fun, christmas always leaves me broke and the holiday season sort of depresses me. ok sort of is an understatement. i partially think this is attributed to the fact that i was in love the past 4 christmases. this year i am but a lonely spinster. and you can roll your eyes at me if you like and tell me to stop being so fucking dramatic. if i was you and you were me i would probably be doing ths same. but it's sort of weird for me. the last christmas i was single i was 15 years old. a kid. so the feeling of loneliness doesn't hit so hard when at that age. it's one less person to spend money on, which is good. but having a somebody around christmas is special. it adds a little something. and when i was with my somebodies they meant a lot to me. the fact that the meaning is basically gone now is....well why i'm not with them. so if it was christmas with either of them it obviously would be another story and not the good kind. but being in love is nice. its a really good feeling. and it's helped to make christmas a little sweeter in the past. and being physically closer to my family....i havent spent much time with them lately because of work and school. when my sister told my nephew i would be at thanksgiving dinner, he said "did she move to massachussetts like ginger and dawn? we never see her anymore." this made me feel very sad. and i feel like i'm not as close with my family as i used to be, or as i'd like to be. also, my circle of friends is dwindling. well not exactly. but i'm realizing who my friends are. and i have very little time for those few people. and i feel guilty. i dont feel as close with the people i used to feel close to, and others can drop off the face of the earth for all i'm concerned. not that i don't care. but they don't and have taken themselves out of my life to the point where they could drop off the face of the earth and i probably wouldn't notice.
so i feel very detatched in a lot of ways. and christmas is a bad holiday for those who feel detatched.
factor in end of semester, finals, and a move to a new place and having to get settled and stuff, and it looks like the next few weeks are going to suck.
and i don't know what i'm doing for new years. usually i have a pretty good idea of how i will ring in the new year or who i will ring it in with. this year i have no clue....its still early yet to think about it too much but i dont want to spend the new year alone. this much i know.
oh ps for anyone who read the last entry, disregard it. i was in a blind fit of rage and i dont even know why it was written.
i'm having a hard time dealing with some emotional problems that are probably the result of my own personal and genetic history in conjuntion with fairly recent events. i alone cannot sort this out. my friends, good as their intentions may be, cannot help me. nor can my family. nor can pills or alcohol or writing or any massochistic alternative. i'm flailing blindly for a solution to making this roller coaster of emotion come to a stop that doesn't require destroying the track on which it rides, to be metaphorical about it.
i'm going to eat dinner and throw my clothes in the dryer. and do some work which really needs to be tended to.
later.