Changes
Since this is more personal than I want to post on my usual Wordpress blog, and because it is of an ilk I haven't written since my LiveJournal days some years ago, I took to writing my first entry here in many a moon. It is a time of big change.
There are moments throughout my life where I can feel a shift, I feel change coming, big change, life altering change, big things happen and life becomes something else. A change in myself and a change in my surroundings. The last time I had one of these changes was about 7 years ago. It was during a time when I was testing the strains of a young relationship, and when I discovered suspicious lumps in each of my breasts. It was a test for me, a test for my then boyfriend and a test of friendships, strenght of will, and the way I was living life. Being faced with fear of the unknown and your mind running with possiblities of whether or not you have cancer, will need treatment and ultimately will survive, can do that to you.
It was going to be my first real surgery, and it was happening in my last semester of college before graduation. That time of uncertainty, of stress, of recovery, and ultimately relief, opened my eyes. It opened my eyes to really see how much (or how little) my boyfriend at the time cared about me, leaving me to fend for myself to make dinner at his house when I couldn't lift anything because of my stitches. It opened my eyes to who really was a friend, who checked on me, who showed concern. It opened my eyes to how I was living my life, and all of the things I still had left to do, all of the things I wanted to do but kept putting off. It led me to leave all of my family and friends and everything I had ever known and move to Arizona with nothing but a suitcase and a zest for adventure, embracing the unknown.
I felt another such shift this year. For months I had been feeling restless, frustrated, like I wasn't getting anywhere. I felt the change coming. Late nights talking with friends left me weary and teary eyed, but hopeful for my future. Inspirational messages from friends reminded me I had it in me to do all that I want to in life. Afraid of the changes coming, I found myself preparing for them in small ways in spite of that fear. I made plans to sell off my things, I wrote letters to reconnect with friends and family abroad. I printed my photographs from New York and sent copies to penpals. I put together my first photobook.
Then I woke up one morning with pain and found out I had cysts again, this time behind my right ovary. They are common, women get them all the time, but my gyno confided, she herself had never experienced them. She prescribed me pain pills and told me to come back if the pain got worse. I wondered, if I would be lucky again, if they too would be benign, if they would go away on their own, if they would burst, or if I would need surgery. As the pain became worse, I became once more afraid of the unknown. Would I be well enough to go back home for Christmas? If the pain remained, would I be able to handle the long plane rides to get there? When I had the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life, and had to go back to the doctor after only 2 weeks, I feared what had caused such pain. Would that mean having to give my mother bad news? Would I need to go to the hospital?
I try not to overthink things, but sometimes your mind will wander anyway. I focused on the positive as much as possible. I had sweatpants to wear so that I was comfortable. I was working from home now, so I didn't have the added stress of trying to function in a workplace like nothing was wrong while being in the worst pain of my life. My boyfriend stepped up and made dinner, stayed home from work one day to take care of me and take me to the doctor, made sure I was taking my pain meds, even when I thought I didn't need them (and hours later would sorely regret not having done when left on my own), and finally put together the dresser that was my Christmas gift last year. I try to remind myself that everyone has busy lives and problems, the world does not revolve around me. I am very open about my life online sometimes to a fault. The rollercoaster of hormones from the medication and the cysts was maddening at times. Angry one moment and sobbing the next. I found myself sleeping most of the time to escape the pain and my own feelings. I wanted someone to be there with me, but was embarrassed to have anyone see me that way. Feeling alone. Then, good news, the cysts were gone, the pain should be gone soon. Recovery.
Changes. In moments of change, any kind of change, you start to question everything. Who your friends are, who is really there for you. Who cares. Who you want to keep in your life. Where you want to be most. Who you want to give your time to. How you can be a better person. Ways you can give back. Things you have still to do with your life. You realize that when you finally have your first day of manageable pain, when you are starting to heal, that the world is yours for the taking and this life is whatever you make of it. Some things are out of our control, but while you have your health and your strength and your freedom, you should do as much as you can. Spend time with those you love and live and enjoy each moment fully. Gratefully.
There are moments throughout my life where I can feel a shift, I feel change coming, big change, life altering change, big things happen and life becomes something else. A change in myself and a change in my surroundings. The last time I had one of these changes was about 7 years ago. It was during a time when I was testing the strains of a young relationship, and when I discovered suspicious lumps in each of my breasts. It was a test for me, a test for my then boyfriend and a test of friendships, strenght of will, and the way I was living life. Being faced with fear of the unknown and your mind running with possiblities of whether or not you have cancer, will need treatment and ultimately will survive, can do that to you.
It was going to be my first real surgery, and it was happening in my last semester of college before graduation. That time of uncertainty, of stress, of recovery, and ultimately relief, opened my eyes. It opened my eyes to really see how much (or how little) my boyfriend at the time cared about me, leaving me to fend for myself to make dinner at his house when I couldn't lift anything because of my stitches. It opened my eyes to who really was a friend, who checked on me, who showed concern. It opened my eyes to how I was living my life, and all of the things I still had left to do, all of the things I wanted to do but kept putting off. It led me to leave all of my family and friends and everything I had ever known and move to Arizona with nothing but a suitcase and a zest for adventure, embracing the unknown.
I felt another such shift this year. For months I had been feeling restless, frustrated, like I wasn't getting anywhere. I felt the change coming. Late nights talking with friends left me weary and teary eyed, but hopeful for my future. Inspirational messages from friends reminded me I had it in me to do all that I want to in life. Afraid of the changes coming, I found myself preparing for them in small ways in spite of that fear. I made plans to sell off my things, I wrote letters to reconnect with friends and family abroad. I printed my photographs from New York and sent copies to penpals. I put together my first photobook.
Then I woke up one morning with pain and found out I had cysts again, this time behind my right ovary. They are common, women get them all the time, but my gyno confided, she herself had never experienced them. She prescribed me pain pills and told me to come back if the pain got worse. I wondered, if I would be lucky again, if they too would be benign, if they would go away on their own, if they would burst, or if I would need surgery. As the pain became worse, I became once more afraid of the unknown. Would I be well enough to go back home for Christmas? If the pain remained, would I be able to handle the long plane rides to get there? When I had the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life, and had to go back to the doctor after only 2 weeks, I feared what had caused such pain. Would that mean having to give my mother bad news? Would I need to go to the hospital?
I try not to overthink things, but sometimes your mind will wander anyway. I focused on the positive as much as possible. I had sweatpants to wear so that I was comfortable. I was working from home now, so I didn't have the added stress of trying to function in a workplace like nothing was wrong while being in the worst pain of my life. My boyfriend stepped up and made dinner, stayed home from work one day to take care of me and take me to the doctor, made sure I was taking my pain meds, even when I thought I didn't need them (and hours later would sorely regret not having done when left on my own), and finally put together the dresser that was my Christmas gift last year. I try to remind myself that everyone has busy lives and problems, the world does not revolve around me. I am very open about my life online sometimes to a fault. The rollercoaster of hormones from the medication and the cysts was maddening at times. Angry one moment and sobbing the next. I found myself sleeping most of the time to escape the pain and my own feelings. I wanted someone to be there with me, but was embarrassed to have anyone see me that way. Feeling alone. Then, good news, the cysts were gone, the pain should be gone soon. Recovery.
Changes. In moments of change, any kind of change, you start to question everything. Who your friends are, who is really there for you. Who cares. Who you want to keep in your life. Where you want to be most. Who you want to give your time to. How you can be a better person. Ways you can give back. Things you have still to do with your life. You realize that when you finally have your first day of manageable pain, when you are starting to heal, that the world is yours for the taking and this life is whatever you make of it. Some things are out of our control, but while you have your health and your strength and your freedom, you should do as much as you can. Spend time with those you love and live and enjoy each moment fully. Gratefully.