(no subject)
This has nothing to do with anything, I just need to do something to make myself feel better right now. i know that i overanalyze everything, and i can be a total drama queen, but i just can't keep my feelings inside as easily as others. i'm upset, i cry, it's uncontrolable, it just happens. but lately, i've just been getting upset over everything you could possibly imagine. i'm scared, i guess that's it. i've never been so attached to someone before, and i know it's not good to be dependent on someone. i'm not, well maybe i am, it's just that he's been such a huge part of my life for the past 3-4 months ... i've forgotten what everything was like without him. and to be honest, i don't wanna have to know that feeling again. and i'm just scared that i'm gonna lose him. i'm scared that he's just going to wake up one morning and realize that i'm not really anything that special. that he's going to miss how his life used to be, before we were together. maybe it's just me being insecure, but i need the security of knowing that it's not going to happen. i'm just an insecure person, and i'm sure it gets annoying -- but i just need the assurance. he's stressed right now, he has a lot to deal with, i understand that. but i did something awhile ago that was really stupid, and i know that, it just got to the point where i didn't know how to deal with things anymore. after he found out, he made me promise i'd never do it again, that if i ever felt like i didn't know what to do, to talk to him. i guess he didn't realize how many things really bother me when he took on that responsibility. i know he thinks i'm stupid, and i get mad over stupid things, and i overreact about almost everything ... but i do it all because i'm scared of losing him. i know it must get annoying, having to keep reassuring someone about everything, but i need it. and now that he has his own problems, he doesn't have time to listen to mine ... it seems like no one does anymore. i got upset tonight ... and all he did was tell me that he was stressed out enough and he didn't need that on top of it. so i tried to act like i was fine, although he knew i wasn't, but it doesn't change the fact that something is still bothering me. he doesn't understand why i'm scared that i'm gonna lose him, and i'm not so sure that if i tried to explain it, he'd understand anyway. i just wanna do one thing right now, but i can't. and the only other thing i used to turn to, doesn't have time. so i resort to writing in this stupid thing that no one reads anyway. especially him, so i guess maybe that's a good thing. okay so i just realized i have no idea why i'm doing this, it serves no purpose. just bottom line, i'm scared. i've never put my heart on the line like this before, i've never given so much of myself to anyone before, i've never trusted someone with so much of me before --- and i'm afraid that i'm going to lose it, lost all of it. god, i need help....