Perhaps a Single Day - Chapter (6) - The Undoing - Collide
(6)The Undoing - Collide
They stayed entwined in silence, listening to each other’s breathing as evening’s darkness entered the room. Emily had never felt happier. She was with Naomi and they had made love. The words hadn’t come out yet, but the feelings were there. This was what she wanted. She wanted Naomi. This was real.
“That was un-fucking-believable.”
“Yeah, it was kind of fun” responded Naomi feeling a bit thrilled with her ability to pleasure Emily.
“And you’ve never...?
“No Ems I’ve never, with anyone. You’re the first. I must have been born talented.”
Emily scoffed, then closed her eyes and smiled.
“Well that was the first time for me too, like that” said Emily.
“And..?”
Emily laughed. “You think you’re pretty good?”
“You did tell me you thought I could do anything” answered a clearly relaxed Naomi.
“Oh fuck you, you twat” answered Emily.
Naomi eyed her, laughing and fired back “I already did.”
They were physically spent and starting to cool down. She urged an amused Emily under the covers where they lay in each other’s arms.
“We still need to talk. It can’t just be the fucking good sex” reminded Emily.
“Yeah, but it was good wasn’t it” teased a confidant Naomi.
“Yeah. Did you ever think it could be like this, with another girl” asked Emily trying to move the conversation to their relationship, to her feelings toward the girl beside her.
“Jesus Em, I didn’t know it could be like this, period.”
Naomi didn’t really answer her question.
“So you do like it? I mean, being with me.” Emily tried to make it simple.
“Emily, you are fucking amazing, there’s no place I’d rather be right now”
“But with me, another girl?” Emily prodded.
“Ems I just want to be with you, okay, just you.” This seemed to appease Emily momentarily.
Naomi laid thinking about the pleasure she gave Emily. Being with Emily made her happy. The intensity of their contact tuned out the world around them, there was nothing standing between them. She was drawn to Emily despite her best attempts to spurn Emily’s interest in her. The redhead was tenacious.
Reflecting on their afternoon together Naomi tried to make the pieces of her life fit and what it meant for her to be with Emily, to acknowledge her feelings towards another person, another girl. She wasn’t sure how her life was going to be or going to change. That was a new feeling, this connection and it was more than a bit unsettling. She knew she couldn’t control change, she’d been hurt by it in the past. Her hesitance and doubt lay just below the surface. It use to protect her, but now it left her feeling uneasy, fucking surfacing again.
She looked at Emily, silently stroking her arm and shoulder.
“You okay?” asked Emily, uncertain of the meaning of Naomi’s silence and her quiet thinking.
“Yeah” she answered, but feeling not quite settled, as she was uncertain how to frame this feeling.
“What about your Mum?” Emily knew it was getting late.
“This is my room, no one’s allowed in here” answered Naomi.
Naomi and her mum agreed to ground rules ever since Naomi woke finding a socked foot in her face from another of her mum’s menagerie of freeloaders. Fuck her mum was naive, letting others sponge off her.
As she lay looking at Emily, Naomi needed to change position. She turned away to relieve the pressure on her right shoulder. Resting her head on her pillow, she listened to Emily talk about growing up in the Fitch household.
Emily’s voice was deep and deliciously throaty.
“I wish I had a room like that. Katie and me, we’re always together, everything together. Eating, sleeping, until we were nine we use to take a dump at the same time.”
“Jesus.” hissed Naomi.
“No secrets, there’s no point.”
Naomi’s vulnerability, her fear, struck her like an unexpected wave. It came out of nowhere. Fuck, she hated feeling vulnerable. Theirs was a secret she wasn’t yet prepared to share. How could her feelings be so volatile? She needed to rein them in. She bit her bottom lip and kept her voice level not wanting to alarm Emily or herself.
“And what about this one?” she asked as her uneasiness grew.
Emily took her time answering, going over her thoughts. She stroked Naomi’s back down to the curve of her bum and back up again. ‘Beautiful’, she thought enjoying touching Naomi’s body. She felt certain and ready to risk the next step in their relationship. She wanted Naomi and wanted people to know.
Emily was tired of secrets. It took too much energy to hide her feelings and keep her actions in check. Keeping secrets stole too much from her. It was freeing when she told Katie and their friends that she was responsible for first kissing Naomi, even if she still blamed the drugs back then. She didn’t want the secrets anymore. She loved touching Naomi, fucking her and wasn’t embarrassed by her feelings. She felt good about herself.
Naomi smiled as Emily’s fingers traveled her body. She wanted to be with Emily, just the two of them, no one else while she made sense of her feelings. Fuck, she didn’t want everyone to know they had sex, that she was having sex with a girl. She needed it to be a secret, awhile longer.
“Naomi, I wanna tell people,” said Emily in a measured voice.
“That you’re gay.” It was more of a statement than a question.
“I wanna tell people about us.”
Silence from Naomi. Inside she was panicking; this was not what she wanted to do, thinking they could just be together for now without exposing themselves. Specifically and more accurately, exposing herself to others. In essence acknowledging her feelings, the tender, intimate, feelings, in front of others. And as she often did when she panicked, when her feelings intensified and became overwhelming, she stayed silent.
“Come to the college ball with me, like we’re, together” asked Emily.
Naomi’s uncertainties about herself rose, unchecked, and overwhelmed her , beating her down bodily with the force of a raging tsunami, all she could do was close and open her eyes, breathing out.
“I don’t want to do that.”
“Why not?” asked Emily, sounding determined, defeated, and resigned all at once.
Turning back to look at the girl that was currently sharing her bed, Naomi fired back.
“Em, it’s nobody’s business.” ‘Fuck, Emily stop being so combative, so insistent.’
“Why? Who cares what other people think?” Emily became increasingly impatient with Naomi’s reluctance after their time together, after they had been so intimate with each other; she only saw the apparent contradictions. Naomi, the great justice crusader was fucked up. Emily didn’t stop to think. She quickly went to her feelings and quickly judged.
Naomi’s voice changed, it became distant, disconnected. She looked at Emily then her eyes escaped, moving towards the ceiling; avoiding the intensity of Emily’s challenge.
“Emily I’m not like you, I’m not sure, like you are.” She flipped like a light switch, distancing herself from Emily and her own feelings.
“What aren’t you sure of?” The surreality of the situation was preposterous, Emily’s built-up image of Naomi shattering under the harsh realities vocalized by Naomi herself, the day that had been better than any fantasy or daydream, was soon morphing into her worst nightmare. Naomi’s contradictions made her feel uneasy, for someone needing certainty she wasn’t playing fair.
“Can’t things ever be complicated?” Naomi’s response was tantamount to a slap in the face to Emily and all that she had strived to achieve with this relationship, her dismissive tone stated clearly that she wanted this conversation to be over, but despite the finality in Naomi’s voice, Emily trudged onwards.
“Fine, you like boys too?” She was trying to understand Naomi, giving her a way out if she needed it so they could still be together.
“Maybe, maybe I only like boys apart from you”. It was like a protective sword, wounding Emily and herself by extension.
As soon as the words were out, Naomi knew she was lying, to herself and to Emily. She wanted to be with Emily, but didn’t want the school watching, she didn’t want to expose herself and Emily to anyone. She hid her insecurities, and in the process bottled her feelings. She didn’t know how to get out of the corner she painted herself in to. She hated feeling helpless and uncertain of what to do next.
Emily felt hurt, her feelings nullified by Naomi’s words, discounting their intimacy. ‘What the hell did Naomi’s last comment mean, only liking boys apart from me, it didn’t make sense? Yeah like I’m so fucking wonderful you’ll go down on me.’
Emily rolled away and sarcastically said “Well that’s fucking great. You’re so in touch with yourself aren’t you?” But she didn’t give up easily, especially when it came to her heart. She regrouped, allowing Naomi another second chance. She softened her tone and asked again.
“Come to the ball with me?” it wasn’t pleading, but simple rapprochement. An opening for the taking, she hoped.
But it was too late. Naomi was immobilized; Emily’s previous sarcastic words felt like an attack on her already uncertain thinking, her vulnerabilities. She simply shook her head no.
Everything was unraveling. ‘Fuck this shit’ thought Emily. ‘You are so fucked up and I don’t need it. You want to push me away, well then I’m gone’. With that, Emily rolled out of the bed and quickly pulled on her knickers.
Naomi’s eyes filled with tears, her feelings were scrambled but she only said “Don’t do that."
As she straightened her bra Emily’s tone became accusatory.
“No you don’t do that. I’m not your fucking experiment”.
Emily was angry. She thought she gave everything to Naomi when she needed it, time, distance, and even her fucking heart. Her head was pounding, ‘fuck these stupid games. It’s time you decided’. She continued to dress and hunted unsuccessfully for her shoes.
“Where are my fucking, oh my fucking shoes? Oh fuck it keep them”. Naomi’s rejection ignited her anger and her pain.
“I’m tired, so sick and tired of it.”
But still Naomi said nothing. At that moment, Emily felt Naomi’s wall of unrealized emotions, still ever-present. Despite their physical intimacy Naomi still couldn’t risk herself emotionally, didn’t trust Emily or their feelings. ‘These fucking on again, off again moments Naomi, you may as well be walking away.’ She couldn’t see any other option for them. The hurt was too much to keep her there, they were stuck.
“Still holding hands through a cat flap aren’t we?” She stood, looking at Naomi, thinking ‘either you want me or you don’t. Say something Naomi, you always having fucking something to say.’ But there was only silence.
Defeated and empty she said, “Have fun in Cyprus.” With a final pained look Emily opened the door and left.
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~~hit previous entry for the next chapter~~