Perhaps a Single Day - Chapter 7- Naomi:Disintegraion
(7) Naomi: Disintegration
Naomi sat upright in her bed, afraid to move, on the edge of tears stunned by Emily’s action, and conversely, her own inaction. ‘Fucking Christ’, Emily was gone. She had underestimated Emily, attempted to simplify her, tried to make her fit into her world. Her damn, controlled, compartmentalized world where she barely spoke of her own emotions let alone risk them. Well Emily cornered her too, seeing the world through her eyes wanting to go at her pace. There was no halfway point. Everything between them was disintegrating.
Naomi sat paralyzed by fear; her energy went into containing her emotions before they exploded out towards Emily. Yes, she had said nothing more to stop her. She didn’t go after her. She kept everything contained, just as she had for years on the pages of her journal where she guarded her vulnerabilities and safely explored her feelings without risking being hurt. She stuffed her feelings into her journals, and she stuffed the journals away, hidden and protected.
Her thoughts started to race, ‘why does it have to be this way. Why can’t you just fucking let me be Emily, why do you always keep fucking doing this, you keep pushing me to……do more, to say something…something...I’m not sure what to admit, to risk. I hate this shit. I hate doing this. ‘
Naomi felt her body begin to shudder, first in her stomach then rising throughout her. Emotions clashed as never before; anger, confusion and want burned through her body, shaking her. She grabbed a pillow and squeezed the corners looking to steady herself. But this time she couldn’t stop the anger and pain etched into her soul. The storm grew within her. For the first time in her life, Naomi let go, her emotions fiercly erupting, as she pounded the pillow against her knees repeatedly her thoughts screaming, ‘Fuck you Emily. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you... Fuck.’ She felt herself scatter into a sea of emotions.
She pulled the pillow towards her chest, tightly clung to it and began to sob. Naomi felt sick. The afternoon’s pleasure fell away replaced with the ache of what she’d lost. She had never felt so alone.
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