fic: heartquake (merlin; m/a) part one
heartquake
fandom: Merlin (BBC)
pairings: Merlin/Arthur, implied Morgana/Leon, past Merlin/OFC
summary: written for this prompt at the kinkme_merlin, in which Merlin has a kid he told no one about (it just never came up, honest) but now has to make adjustments with his life now that his daughter, Emeline, is in his full-time care.
note: set sometme after 2.07, so no recent spoilers. just prepare for sweetness that comes with Merlin being a daddy and Arthur, well, trying.
Her name was Ellyn.
She was the sweetest girl he knew, always telling the boys not to pick on Merlin because of his ears and then would invite him to her house and talk over burnt biscuits and cold tea. She was pretty, too, all blonde hair and green eyes and slender frames.
Then, one day, she stopped being just pretty. She started being beautiful. And he started being handsome.
She still invited him to her house, but not to eat biscuits but to share secrets of their bodies and swipe stolen kisses in her bed. They were seventeen and his life changed.
His daughter’s name is Emeline.
“Merlin, if you’re so tired, then go to sleep,” Gaius says over dinner.
“But I’m hungry,” Merlin moans.
“You’re also tired. I’m sure your hunger will not haunt you in your sleep,” Gaius says.
“Fine,” Merlin puts his bowl down.
As he’s starting towards his room, a knock is heard from the door. Gaius and Merlin exchange a cautious look, and his guardian looks to him with that glare, silently asking, what have you done now, Merlin?
But the young man merely shrugs. He’s done nothing incriminating. Recently.
When Gaius opens the door, Merlin almost feels his exhaustion flying out the window because there’s the smiling face of his mother.
“Mother!” Merlin smiles.
“Hunith, what are you doing here?” Gaius asks.
“Someone really wanted to see Merlin,” Hunith enters the room, revealing a small figure holding her right hand.
She immediately lets go of the grip and comes running towards Merlin. Merlin, in anticipation, crouches down and opens his arms wide to welcome the embrace. The girl is no older than four years of age, with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes and she positively melts in Merlin’s arms.
Merlin sighs with happiness and says, “I missed you, Em.”
The girl, Em, grips tighter onto Merlin. “I missed you, too, Daddy.”
Merlin places his daughter in his bed and watches admiringly as she falls asleep without a sound, tucked around his blankets and arm around the ratty soft toy Will had made her.
She’s refused to be without it since she got it, and even more so when Will died, so Merlin says nothing about it. He goes out and sees Gaius and his mother conversing in hushed tones.
“So, Mother, what are you doing here? You’ve never had any occasion to bring Emeline to Camelot before,” Merlin sits down. “Not that I’m complaining. Ellyn only lets me see her a few days every other month.”
“It’s about Ellyn, Merlin,” Hunith says. Her eyebrows knit together and her eyes speak of sympathy.
“What happened?”
“Ellyn’s sick, Merlin. Very sick. She’s no longer capable of taking care of Emeline. She says she doesn’t have long to live, and she wanted her daughter to be somewhere safe, with someone she could trust when…”
“Can’t she be cured? Can’t I cure her?” Merlin asks, his voice faltering.
He and Ellyn might not be together anymore but he still cares deeply for her, and she is the mother of his child. There would be nothing short of anything he would do for her.
“Merlin, no,” Hunith says, holding his hand. “There’s nothing more you can do for her. She’s accepted it, you should, too.”
“Emeline needs her mother,” Merlin shakes his head in disbelief.
“Yes, but she also needs her father,” Gaius puts a comforting hand on his ward’s back. Merlin turns back and sees the small silhouette of his daughter and sighs.
“I dunno if I can do this,” he says.
“You have us,” Gaius says.
“Yes, and if you are ever overwhelmed, Emeline is always welcome back at Ealdor and she can stay with me,” his mother says comfortingly.
He meets her eyes, and wonders about the day she found out she was pregnant, about the day Merlin was born, and how she felt. Did she feel like this? Did she wonder if she would be a good parent?
“It’s going to be alright.” This time, he believes her. For his daughter’s sake, he believes her.
When Merlin gets up the next morning, there’s no one in his bed. Almost immediately, worry and concern seep into his veins, before he hears the giggle of his daughter on the other side of the door.
“Morning, Daddy!” Emeline greets him happily. “I’m helping Uncle Gaius, see?” Indeed she is, holding a vial carefully for Gaius as he does his other work.
“I’m sure Uncle Gaius is very busy right now, Em,” Merlin says, leaning the side of his face against his palm.
“On the contrary. Emeline is quite the budding physician,” Gaius smiles. “I see she doesn’t take after you in that department.”
“Ha ha.”
“Daddy, where are we going today?” Em sits on her father’s lap.
“What d’ya mean, Em?” he asks.
“Well, this is a new place. Maybe, today, I could see it.”
“Oh, Em. Daddy’s got a job, you see,” Merlin says. “But, what about you help Uncle Gaius a bit more and when I get a break, I could come get you and we can walk around for the day. How about it? Besides, you really don’t wanna meet my boss.”
“Why not?”
“He’s kind of a prat.”
“Merlin, you idiot!” Arthur snaps at him when he drops the plate on the floor. “Is your head screwed on straight this morning?”
“Pretty sure it is, sire,” Merlin grunts but puts a hand on his head, just for good measure.
“You seem jittery. Did something happen?” Arthur raises his eyebrows.
“My, Arthur, I didn’t know you cared,” he smiles.
“Of course I care,” he says and it takes Merlin aback and his heart flutters just a little. Must be the shock of it, that must be it. “Oh, don’t be such a girl about it.”
“It’s nothing, honestly. It’s just…family issues,” he shrugs.
“Is it Hunith? Is she hurt?” once again, Merlin’s surprised by Arthur’s concern.
“Oh, no, my mother’s fine. It’s another family member. You don’t know her. She recently came here. I’m making adjustments,” he says matter-of-factly.
“Well, when you stop being such a walking disaster enough, I’d like to meet her.”
“Meet her?”
“Yes, Merlin, meet her. Meeting is when two people are introduced to each other for the first time. I’m sure you’re familiar with the term.”
“Yeah, yeah, okay. You can meet her. This afternoon, in fact. I’m taking her out to town,” he suggests.
“Ah, so you were just going run off and slack off on your chores, were you?” Arthur asks.
“About that,” Merlin smiles. “Can I have the afternoon off?”
While Gaius does his rounds, he notices the liking the people of Camelot have towards little Emeline. It must be that way with every other sweet, well-mannered child who gives a smile every time someone else does.
He’s never officially met her before; he’s seen her when she was an infant and one other time a few years ago, and is quite surprised by how much she takes after Merlin. The same care given to strangers, the same blue eyes that look up with a slight innocence, what he saw in Merlin two years ago when he first came to Camelot, he sees in his daughter.
“Gaius,” Morgana greets him as she and Gwen pass the hallway.
“My lady,” he smiles. “Sleeping well?”
“Better,” she nods. She then notices Emeline’s presence and asks, “And who is this?”
“Hello there,” the child responds cheerfully.
“Ah, Morgana, Gwen, this is my new assistant, Emeline,” Gaius says proudly.
“You look familiar. Have you been here before?” Morgana asks.
“No, but my Daddy has,” Emeline shakes her head.
“Your…Daddy?” she asks.
“Merlin,” Gaius answers, just realizing Merlin didn’t tell him whether or not to tell his friends that he has a daughter.
“Merlin? Merlin has a daughter?” Gwen asks.
“He certainly didn’t tell us,” Morgana says, looking almost offended.
“I’m sure he would’ve, in time,” Gaius supplies.
“Yes, I suppose,” Morgana nods. “Well, Emeline. It was very nice to meet you.”
“Very nice to meet you, too,” she beams. As she and Gaius walk, she asks, “Are all the people here that nice?”
“Why are you so fidgety?” Arthur asks. “It’s not like you’ve never met your family before.”
“Yes, well, you haven’t met them,” Merlin paces. “And, besides, there’s something I haven’t told you.”
“Can’t it wait? I’d rather make a good impression in front of her,” Arthur says.
“It’s quite important, actually,” Merlin protests. But before he can tell him, the door is open with an apologetic-looking Gaius.
“Sorry, she was impatient,” he says.
“Yes, she gets that way when she’s hungry,” Merlin gives a weak smile.
Then Arthur sees her. It isn’t some middle-aged aunt or uncle, it’s a small girl. He can see the family resemblance, though, the eyes, the cheekbones and lips, traces of the same smile.
“Arthur, meet Emeline,” Merlin brings her closer to his side.
“Hi, are you my daddy’s boss?” Emeline asks.
“No, I’m Merlin’s boss,” Arthur shakes his head.
“Ah, yes, about that,” Merlin says. “This is my daughter. I’m a father. Ta-da!”
Arthur casts his eyes from Em to Merlin and finally says, “Ta-da? Gods, you’re an imbecile!”
Merlin frowns at him and looks down at his daughter, “Go wait outside, Em. I’ll be right there.” Em grudgingly leaves her father’s side and goes with Gaius outside of Arthur’s chambers.
“You really don’t have any experience with kids, do you?” Merlin asks his master.
“I’ve seen quite a fair bit of them, actually, kissed some heads of some babies,” he shrugs and says it like it’s enough.
“You don’t yell in the presence of a four-year-old, Arthur! Especially not little girls, they’ll cry and think it’s all their fault,” he crosses his arms.
“I’m sorry,” the prince says genuinely. “So, you’re a father.”
“I’m a father,” he says, still a bit mad.
“You never told me.”
“It never came up.” Arthur looks at him. “What? It hasn’t! It’s not like you ever asked me ‘hey, Merlin, do you have any kids?’ If you did, I would’ve told you.”
“I suppose I never really ask about you.”
“Don’t feel bad about it. Honestly, I’ve gotten used to it,” Merlin’s lips curl up in a small smile.
Arthur genuinely looks like he’s sorry that he hasn’t asked more of Merlin but supposes he shouldn’t, after all. Merlin’s just a servant, surely Arthur would not bother himself with questions of his manservant’s personal life and the queries of whether or not he’s bedded a woman enough to procreate a child.
Still, it brings up some sort of odd feeling at the pit of his stomach when he sees Arthur like this. Must be the shock again.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the afternoon with my daughter,” Merlin says.
“Yes, yes, go ahead,” Arthur smiles a little. As Merlin opens the door, Arthur stops him by saying, “I’d like to meet her again, under better circumstances. I won’t yell next time, I give you my word.”
“It’s up to her, but, I suppose, yeah, you could,” he nods, leaving the room and wondering why it matters so much to Arthur to make a good impression on Merlin’s daughter.
Em is on a high after they’ve eaten. She tells him about Gaius’ patients and the people she’s met, and notes about how nice all of them are.
“And I met the Lady Morgana. She’s pretty,” she says.
“Yes, she is,” he nods.
“All the people here are pretty, Daddy, just like you. Arthur’s pretty, too. He’s a bit mean, though,” she pouts.
“Yes, well, I did warn you. But he’s nice once you get to know him and he wants to see you again. Maybe you could give him another chance,” he picks her up in his arms.
“Okay,” she nods and leans her head on his shoulder. “But he better not be so mean to you.”
“Don’t worry, Em,” he kisses the top of her head.
This is getting ridiculous. He’s spent months like this, with this sudden, alien feeling gnawing at him whenever Merlin’s around, the one that makes him smile whenever Merlin does something completely idiotic, but, today, with the addition of Merlin’s daughter, there’s another feeling added there.
Some kind of green thing that sits on the top of his chest and breathes heavily until he can’t sleep. Jealousy. Obviously, he’s not jealous of Emeline.
The girl is charming, the little female version of his manservant, who smiles and walks with little timid steps like a porcelain angel.
No, he’s jealous of her mother. Merlin’s past is something of a mystery to him, he knows that he doesn’t know half of the things he should know for someone who’s completely besotted with his manservant, and he should’ve known there had been significant other at some point in time because Merlin is, granted, attractive.
Though it’s the kind of attractiveness that you don’t wish upon anyone but find it charming over time.
Of course Merlin would have had a lover in the nineteen years he’s been living before arriving in Camelot but, at least, before, there was no concrete proof of that so Arthur can continue his fantasies of being Merlin’s first. But, now, there is proof, in the form of a living, breathing human being.
Gods, he’s pathetic. He’s jealous of a woman he’s never met, that had, once before, loved the man he cares deeply for. A complete, utter, fucking pathetic excuse for a prince, that’s what Arthur Pendragon is.
No, he’s not the great future king of Camelot, no, now he’s acting like a lovesick, mentally deranged teenager for the sake of a love that can’t possibly be. Because he’s Arthur and Merlin is Merlin and this is ridiculous.
“Em, stop tugging!” Merlin tells her but she does it anyway and tugs on the fabric of his blue tunic as they walk the hallways of the Camelot castle.
Gaius is busy today and Merlin knows better to not interrupt the man when it is at the utmost importance of business. So, obviously, the next best thing is Gwen. Sweet Gwen, who he will shower with compliments and nice sayings so she can help with his daughter.
“Merlin!” Morgana says as he crashes into her.
“Mmph, sorry, my Lady,” he apologizes meekly.
“Hello, Lady Morgana,” Em curtsies.
“Oh, now you’re nice,” Merlin grumbles. “Sorry, Morgana. I didn’t get much sleep last night and now I have to help Arthur.”
“Doesn’t he know you have a daughter to care for?” Morgana asks and still smiles sweetly at Emeline.
“Yes, he does. But, unfortunately, he is still Arthur. Excuse me, my lady, I was hoping to get to Gwen, borrow her, if you don’t mind,” he says.
“What for?”
“I was hoping she could look after Em for the day, at least until the afternoon.”
“Well, Merlin, both Gwen and I are free for the day. We could definitely look after her,” she nods.
“Really? Oh, thank you! It’s just for today, don’t worry,” Merlin rushes through his words out of gratitude.
“I can look after her whenever, Merlin. It’s the least I can do,” Morgana brings her arm around his daughter and he can almost hear the unspoken words, for keeping my magic secret.
There are times when he wonders why he’s ever kept his magic secret from Morgana, when there could actually be someone to understand. Ellyn knew, but she didn’t understand.
He crouches down to his daughter and says, “Now, Daddy has to go. I’ll be back for you later, okay?”
“Bye, Daddy,” she says as he plants a kiss on her forehead. “Thank you, again,” Merlin says to Morgana as he goes off.
“There’s a festival tomorrow,” Arthur says as Merlin smoothes the sheets of the prince’s bed.
“Yes, there is,” Merlin nods absent-mindedly. He didn’t really pay attention to what Gaius said about the festival, it’s just to celebrate something or other.
After a while, all the festivals in Camelot seem the same, a few pints of ale, a few smirks from ladies; the same old fun. He’s planning on taking Em to this one and, naturally, excluding the ale and ladies, he’s going to have some fun with his daughter.
“I’m thinking of going,” Arthur proclaims.
“Why?” he turns around. “It’s a commoner’s party. And you, Arthur, are not common.”
“I’m thinking of going and taking you and Emeline with me,” the prince says, ignoring Merlin’s comment.
“What?” Merlin asks, aghast.
“She likes those kinds of things, doesn’t she? Little girls like parties, don’t they?” he asks.
“I suppose…” Merlin scratches his head. “But, Arthur, why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
“Because, Merlin, just because I find you intolerable, doesn’t mean I can’t be nice to your daughter,” he shrugs.
Merlin groans internally and decides this will either be awkward or just pure torture. Or both. He’s betting his coins on both.
There are people in costumes parading through the small streets of the town. They get a few stares because Arthur is there, but Merlin doesn’t notice because Em is pointing out this and that in that happy little voice.
There was a few beats of awkwardness at the beginning but, so far, no traces whatsoever of torture. It’s been…nice. Arthur looks completely taken by his daughter and Em, it seems, has gotten over Arthur’s meanness and now tugs at his hand when she sees something else.
Emeline isn’t a picky child; she can make friends with anyone, whether they’re her age, like the kids back at Ealdor or the kids Gwen and Morgana have introduced to her here, or grown-ups like Morgana and Gwen.
She can get along with anyone but this seems new. This friendship with Arthur, the way she holds her hand, the way he looks down on her adoringly. It makes something inside Merlin glow with happiness and he suddenly cannot resist the temptation to smile widely.
“I can’t see,” Em whines over the sea of people.
In a split second, Arthur picks her up and balances her on his hip. Merlin almost has to catch his heart out of pure adoration. But then he has to catch something else; his breath.
Seeing Arthur smiling at his daughter, his own flesh and blood, makes him feel a sort of sensation.
It’s like exiting a dark room with something foreign in your hands and, when you are enveloped by light again, you see the form of this object and realize you’ve had it all along. You just needed to shed some light on it.
Merlin has just exited that dark room and that something foreign, that something unknown, is Arthur and he sees him now. He sees that he’s in love with him. He’s in love with this proud, stubborn, albeit amazing, prat of person. This dollophead who seems to care for his daughter in a way a parent should care for a child.
“Merlin?” Arthur’s voice comes through his thoughts.
“Hmm?” Merlin looks up.
Arthur nudges towards Em, who is already closing her eyes and resting her head on the prince’s shoulder. He smiles weakly but looks as if he’s enjoying it. He gives her over to her father and Emeline moans in appreciation.
PART TWO