will it ever end??
so things have kinda sucked lately... they've sucked so bad that even thought i know i've had a few happy momnents, i can't even remember what they were. first of all, this is it for chad's grandma. i feel horrible. especially since i have absolutely no time to go see her. i have time on sunday, but when i have time Chad and his family are gonna be there, and chad said he doesn't know if he wants me to be there, and won't tell me why. and for some reason lately, he can't talk to me nicely. i understand that he's having a hard time and all, but i know i've done nothing wrong, but i've been crying for the last 4 nights, including tonight, because the way he's been talking to me has been hurting my feelings so badly. i don't know what to do... like, i guess i'll try to wait for it to stop, but who knows when it will? i just love him so much and he is absolutely tearing me apart cuz i can't help but think there is something else going on, cuz he keeps telling me he doesn't want to talk. i was balling last night cuz i needed to talk to him so badly, but he still wouldn't. i feel horrible! i'm so scared of losing him! i love him more than anything in the whole world, but i'm scared that he really doesn't feel that way about me anymore, and i don't know if i can do anything about it. i keep doing things for him, and i'm trying to suck up as much of the crap as i can, but he doesn't appreciate any of it, and he doesn't seem to know how to be nice....i'm not trying to make him out to be a big jerk, cuz i know he's not...i just don't know what to do... i feel like our relationship is crumbling right underneath me. and the worst thing about it is that i feel like he really doesn't care. our one year is next friday, and he doesn't even know if or what he wants to do anymore. isn't that wonderful? never again will i ever believe someone who tells me love can fix anything! it doesn't work that way when only one person is doing the loving.
well, i have surgery tomorrow on the skin cancer i have. some strang man is going to be cutting my boobs (well underneath them) with a knife, and i can't do anything about it. i'm so scared. worst thing about it is, i hate to be pessimistic, but i'd be willing to bet that even though chad will see me a couple hours after my surgery, he probably won't even remember to ask how it went. i hate to have that attitude, but that's how little he seems to care lately. i told him that my english professor is making me really uncomfortable, and all he said was "well, i dunno what to tell ya." obviously there isn't anything he can do, and i understand that, but a boyfriend should at least care if his girlfriend is scared of her young male english professor.
well, i'm tired of complaining, and i'm tired of crying, and i'm just tired. i'm doing terrible in spanish. i got a D- and a D+ on my last 2 quizzes. i can't sleep cuz i'm worried about what's gonna happen with me and chad. i can't eat for the same reason. i don't know what to do. sometimes i really wish i didn't love him as much as i do so this would all be easier for me... y can't i ever find a guy that really cares about me? maybe i just don't deserve it. after all, i do all kinds of things for other people, i work my ass off to make sure i'm keeping everyone happy... that's horrible right? so y do i deserve to have someone who cares? girls who cheat on their boyfriends and use their boyfriends for money get boyfriends who treat them well and care about them, but me, never even looked at another guy since i started dating chad, gives him everything and more, deals with his attitude...i get a guy who either doesn't care, or just refuses to show it to me and doesn't appreciate anything. he can be so great, he really can! and i love him more than anything, but a person can only take so much.
anyways... umm, i need to get rid of my kitten, beatrice, cuz i'm allergic to her, so if anyone wants her, let me know!!!
i hope everyone else has better luck than i do!
Chad, i don't know if u'll read this, maybe u won't, but i want u to know that i honestly do love u more than anything in the whole world, and i'm not writing this to make u look bad at all!! i swear to god i'm not!! i just needed to get out how i feel! i will do anything for u, i just need u to give me at least a little hint that u care... i'm not strong enough for this! i love u so much, and this is absolutely killing me!!!
Erica G., if u read this, please do not encourage chad to read it, cuz he will probably get the wrong idea and get even angrier at me. please don't even say anything to him!!! thanks
well, i have surgery tomorrow on the skin cancer i have. some strang man is going to be cutting my boobs (well underneath them) with a knife, and i can't do anything about it. i'm so scared. worst thing about it is, i hate to be pessimistic, but i'd be willing to bet that even though chad will see me a couple hours after my surgery, he probably won't even remember to ask how it went. i hate to have that attitude, but that's how little he seems to care lately. i told him that my english professor is making me really uncomfortable, and all he said was "well, i dunno what to tell ya." obviously there isn't anything he can do, and i understand that, but a boyfriend should at least care if his girlfriend is scared of her young male english professor.
well, i'm tired of complaining, and i'm tired of crying, and i'm just tired. i'm doing terrible in spanish. i got a D- and a D+ on my last 2 quizzes. i can't sleep cuz i'm worried about what's gonna happen with me and chad. i can't eat for the same reason. i don't know what to do. sometimes i really wish i didn't love him as much as i do so this would all be easier for me... y can't i ever find a guy that really cares about me? maybe i just don't deserve it. after all, i do all kinds of things for other people, i work my ass off to make sure i'm keeping everyone happy... that's horrible right? so y do i deserve to have someone who cares? girls who cheat on their boyfriends and use their boyfriends for money get boyfriends who treat them well and care about them, but me, never even looked at another guy since i started dating chad, gives him everything and more, deals with his attitude...i get a guy who either doesn't care, or just refuses to show it to me and doesn't appreciate anything. he can be so great, he really can! and i love him more than anything, but a person can only take so much.
anyways... umm, i need to get rid of my kitten, beatrice, cuz i'm allergic to her, so if anyone wants her, let me know!!!
i hope everyone else has better luck than i do!
Chad, i don't know if u'll read this, maybe u won't, but i want u to know that i honestly do love u more than anything in the whole world, and i'm not writing this to make u look bad at all!! i swear to god i'm not!! i just needed to get out how i feel! i will do anything for u, i just need u to give me at least a little hint that u care... i'm not strong enough for this! i love u so much, and this is absolutely killing me!!!
Erica G., if u read this, please do not encourage chad to read it, cuz he will probably get the wrong idea and get even angrier at me. please don't even say anything to him!!! thanks