I cant imagine how incredibly painful it is to be you
I have just sunk deeper and deeper into my depression. Today has been a really bad day. Nothing major happened. I just woke up feeling like crap and like I was going to cry. All day. No one did anything or said anything to hurt me. I am just having a really low day. I wish I didn't have to wake up every morning trying to figure out if it is going to be a good day or if it is going to be a day where I am going to feel like crying or flying off the handle at someone for absolutely nothing. I have wanted to just lay in bed all day and sleep. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to take a shower. I didn't want to do anything at all. But I did. I had to force myself to function. I did. But not like I should want to function. I did it because I had to do it. No excuses nothing. I just had to do it. I had to wake up today. I had to make myself do the things that I needed to get done. I didnt want to do it. I didn't want to get anything done but I had to. I made myself.
I am however taking steps to get out of it. I have an appointment with a psychologist on Friday. Not looking forward to it because I hate opening up to people. I hate people knowing what is going on inside my head. I hate people knowing that I have bipolar tendencies. I hate people knowing anything about me. The last time I was in therapy I still didnt get the satisfaction that I had needed. The pain didn't stop. The suffocation didn't stop. It continued to just take a toll on me. It consumed me.. Everything has just consumed me to the point that I have no idea who I am any more and if I am doing the right thing anymore. Ever.
Im nervous and scared about a lot of things. I am empty and lonely even though I have wonderful people surrounding me and loving me unconditionally, but I still feel empty. I feel like my life is crashing in around me and like I am suffocating half the time. My life is falling to pieces and I don't know how to make it stop falling.
I wish I could live a normal life. I wish I didn't have to take the steps I have to take in order to get there. I just want things to go back to normal again when I was happy.
I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy. Was it before high school was it even before 6th grade? I can't remember the last time I felt complete and full of life. It just is weird that it has taken me this long to get back into therapy. I guess the reason I didn't go back is because I felt like it wasn't working then. Maybe it wasn't working because I was in an abusive relationship. Maybe it wasn't working because I wasn't getting the proper therapy or maybe it was because I wasn't mature enough to recognize the true problem. Maybe it's because I wasn't ready to confront my problems the way I needed to. Maybe it was because I manipulated my therapist. Come on this is the shit I am going to school for. Why can't I just fix myself? Why can't I just analyze myself and figure out the steps I need to make to fix the problem.
I miss my life being normal. I miss being happy. I miss feeling complete. I miss feeling like I am just a body walking around feeling nothing. I am tired of being cold and hurtful. I am just tired. I am tired of trying anymore. I am tired of living anymore. Scary, yes it is. It is terribly scary in my mind. I mean I just dream of feeling better. I just dream of being happy. It is terrifying.
Maybe after I start going I will begin to feel better. Maybe I will begin to address the problems that I have been holding in all of my life. Address the issues with my father. Address the issues with Wayne. Address the issues I have with what I did five years ago. I just need to get everything out. I need to get everything out in the open. I need to get rid of all this stress and negative feelings. I want to be better. I crave to feel better.
I not only need to work on myself but I need to work on my relationships with others. I have hurt so many people through my depression and my mood swings that I need to seriously make those better. And I need to learn so much through everything. I need to figure out who I am anymore too. I hate living life this way. Thankfully, I think I am finally ready to work through all of my issues that I keep bottled up inside everyday of my life. I want to be me again.
So maybe this is it. Maybe it's time for me to come back to reality and figure everything out. Will there ever be a day that I wake up like a normal person and enjoy the day and take what it gives me instead of waking up and dreading what is going to happen and what the day has planned for me.
I am however taking steps to get out of it. I have an appointment with a psychologist on Friday. Not looking forward to it because I hate opening up to people. I hate people knowing what is going on inside my head. I hate people knowing that I have bipolar tendencies. I hate people knowing anything about me. The last time I was in therapy I still didnt get the satisfaction that I had needed. The pain didn't stop. The suffocation didn't stop. It continued to just take a toll on me. It consumed me.. Everything has just consumed me to the point that I have no idea who I am any more and if I am doing the right thing anymore. Ever.
Im nervous and scared about a lot of things. I am empty and lonely even though I have wonderful people surrounding me and loving me unconditionally, but I still feel empty. I feel like my life is crashing in around me and like I am suffocating half the time. My life is falling to pieces and I don't know how to make it stop falling.
I wish I could live a normal life. I wish I didn't have to take the steps I have to take in order to get there. I just want things to go back to normal again when I was happy.
I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy. Was it before high school was it even before 6th grade? I can't remember the last time I felt complete and full of life. It just is weird that it has taken me this long to get back into therapy. I guess the reason I didn't go back is because I felt like it wasn't working then. Maybe it wasn't working because I was in an abusive relationship. Maybe it wasn't working because I wasn't getting the proper therapy or maybe it was because I wasn't mature enough to recognize the true problem. Maybe it's because I wasn't ready to confront my problems the way I needed to. Maybe it was because I manipulated my therapist. Come on this is the shit I am going to school for. Why can't I just fix myself? Why can't I just analyze myself and figure out the steps I need to make to fix the problem.
I miss my life being normal. I miss being happy. I miss feeling complete. I miss feeling like I am just a body walking around feeling nothing. I am tired of being cold and hurtful. I am just tired. I am tired of trying anymore. I am tired of living anymore. Scary, yes it is. It is terribly scary in my mind. I mean I just dream of feeling better. I just dream of being happy. It is terrifying.
Maybe after I start going I will begin to feel better. Maybe I will begin to address the problems that I have been holding in all of my life. Address the issues with my father. Address the issues with Wayne. Address the issues I have with what I did five years ago. I just need to get everything out. I need to get everything out in the open. I need to get rid of all this stress and negative feelings. I want to be better. I crave to feel better.
I not only need to work on myself but I need to work on my relationships with others. I have hurt so many people through my depression and my mood swings that I need to seriously make those better. And I need to learn so much through everything. I need to figure out who I am anymore too. I hate living life this way. Thankfully, I think I am finally ready to work through all of my issues that I keep bottled up inside everyday of my life. I want to be me again.
So maybe this is it. Maybe it's time for me to come back to reality and figure everything out. Will there ever be a day that I wake up like a normal person and enjoy the day and take what it gives me instead of waking up and dreading what is going to happen and what the day has planned for me.