Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.
Well the past few days have been interesting to say the least.
Sunday I got to spend the day with my mom jim christine shannon and Zesty, so that a lot of fun. Since my mom and I have done gymnastics when we were younger and both appreciate it, a lot. It was just a Kent State gymnastics meet against Western Michigan but it was amazing. Kent's team won and their floor routines and bar routines and even on the beam were just amazing. It made me realize how much I miss it sometimes but I am also grateful that I don't do that anymore because I wouldn't have the time to do anything else, like work, and be social, and just do my own thing. So it's like one of those dreams that you wish you could still do but are grateful that you don't have to do anymore.
After the meet when we all went to the Pufferbelly and had dinner. Soon after we got there Jim's censor button prooved that he doesn't have one. Quite amusing. Jim started making homoerotic jokes and we were all rolling on the floor laughing. We all had so much fun and it was great seeing my mom and sister for the day considering I get to see them once or twice every few months or so. So I loved it.
Another great thing about Sunday was that boy IM'd me while I was at that meet which was cool. But since I wasnt home and Shan was she sent me a text saying "Hey I think he send you a message on Adium" So I called him and had a little conversation with him before the meet started. Yesterday I called him and basically told him everything that was on my mind and tried to explain how he kind of hurt me by blowing me off like I was nothing to him when we were friends for so long. But of course like normal he had some sort of justification for why he acted like I wasn't even alive. So it hurt. Then I went into work and there was drama there like usual. Can't get out of drama when it comes to the Hut. Wonderful. So while I was waiting to leave since there was nothing left for me to do and kitchen staff was already gone, I had to stay with Holly until she was done doing her stuff. Not something I mind doing because I just sit and chit chat with holly for a little while and just am like whatever. Well I called him while I was waiting. And again it was the same conversation and once again I ended up near tears. Not very cool for me. It sucks ya know. But whatever it's fine. So I get pissed and decided to not really want to talk to him anymore and decided I was going to go. After I got out of work I did the normal thing. Called Zesty since he wasn't staying the night at my place last night and what not and I didn't really get to see him during the day. Not a big deal, it was all fun. When I got home I talked to Shannon for a little while and we decided to play a little bit of Mario Party and so forth. It was a lot of fun.....
Then around midnight my phone started ringing. And it was him. He said he couldn't sleep and wanted to talk for a little bit. Which is kind of weird because he has a girlfriend why wouldn't he call her when he couldn't sleep instead of calling me. Weird yes. Well this conversation lasted for a good two hours. Shannon was going nuts because he is the one person who can seem to flip me in every single direction possible. Which is weird. I mean when someone can make me go from a great mood to a bad mood in less than 5 minutes is ridiculous.
I kind of have been looking at the old relationship and everything as something that never really existed. I always liked him. I was obsessed with him since my senior year of high school. Pre-military days. Before he went to the military I was in love with him. I craved him. I wanted him so badly. I never got the chance to date him before he went to the military and then like after he came back he like normal kind of popped back into my life and everything to talk to me and we started a relationship. It lasted for a good year and a half and we were engaged and everything. But after the relationship ended I still have these feelings for him. But I also figured out that I am in love with the person I cared for when I was in high school and since I never got to date that person it's hard for me to comprehend that he isn't that person anymore. And he isn't that person anymore at all. I dated a stranger almost. I was engaged to a person I didn't even really know. He isn't the person I cared for so long ago and it's really disappointing. Really disappointing. Shannon basically told me that I have to think of it like this. The boy that I loved in high school is dead. As harsh as that seems he is dead. He is no longer the person I loved and cared for so much about then. He never was after he came back from the military. I'm just having a really hard time grasping that. I don't want to think of him as being dead. I don't want to think of him as being gone. it's just so hard for me to understand and I don't want to let go of that idea.
I also need to realize that the way he talks to me, in that kind of condescending I have a HUGE ego kind of way, is not cool. If it were anyone else asking me for "fun pictures" when he has a girlfriend and if he can "see my body in person" I would more than likely go over there and punch them in the nose without a second thought. He is the only person I have ever let talk down to me and make me feel like a child. It sucks. He is the only person who can make me feel like such a horrible person. It's kind of disgusting. Shannon and Zesty told me that I am probably one of the strongest person they have ever met when it comes to how I verbalize things and say what I need to say and saying it sternly and that I can't let him get away with it anymore. I am just disgusted with myself and letting someone make me feel like I am not a good person and like I don't deserve to be treated with any kind of respect.
Whatever though, it's not my issue anymore. If he wants to ask me for "fun" pictures and to "see my body naked if he were in town" then I hope his girlfriend realizes one day that what he thinks is funny basically isn't funny and just kind of skeezy. Shannon and Zesty made me realize today that I am such a smart girl and that I deserve someone who can challenge me in one way or another. And well I need someone who can talk to me as an adult and not as a child.
Well other than that life is good. Shannon is leaving for vacation tonight and I am super jealous. Whatever though, I get my vacations over the summer. Those will be a lot of fun. I'm excited. Shannon's kitty cat has been acting really weird too lately. He has been walking to the end of the hallway and sitting in front of her bedroom door and meowing all day. All evening. And basically all night long. It's kind of strange and makes me wonder if our ghost is back. Yes we have a ghost. There was a really loud noise in the kitchen or somewhere and Marty was at the end of the hallway and just came running back into the living room and sat right in front of us. He wouldn't leave us alone after that. He slept with us all night long on the couch and then early in the morning he started to do the meowing thing all over again. Kind of creepy. Makes me not want to stay the night here by myself.
Oh well, I think I am going to go, I wrote a lot.
Sunday I got to spend the day with my mom jim christine shannon and Zesty, so that a lot of fun. Since my mom and I have done gymnastics when we were younger and both appreciate it, a lot. It was just a Kent State gymnastics meet against Western Michigan but it was amazing. Kent's team won and their floor routines and bar routines and even on the beam were just amazing. It made me realize how much I miss it sometimes but I am also grateful that I don't do that anymore because I wouldn't have the time to do anything else, like work, and be social, and just do my own thing. So it's like one of those dreams that you wish you could still do but are grateful that you don't have to do anymore.
After the meet when we all went to the Pufferbelly and had dinner. Soon after we got there Jim's censor button prooved that he doesn't have one. Quite amusing. Jim started making homoerotic jokes and we were all rolling on the floor laughing. We all had so much fun and it was great seeing my mom and sister for the day considering I get to see them once or twice every few months or so. So I loved it.
Another great thing about Sunday was that boy IM'd me while I was at that meet which was cool. But since I wasnt home and Shan was she sent me a text saying "Hey I think he send you a message on Adium" So I called him and had a little conversation with him before the meet started. Yesterday I called him and basically told him everything that was on my mind and tried to explain how he kind of hurt me by blowing me off like I was nothing to him when we were friends for so long. But of course like normal he had some sort of justification for why he acted like I wasn't even alive. So it hurt. Then I went into work and there was drama there like usual. Can't get out of drama when it comes to the Hut. Wonderful. So while I was waiting to leave since there was nothing left for me to do and kitchen staff was already gone, I had to stay with Holly until she was done doing her stuff. Not something I mind doing because I just sit and chit chat with holly for a little while and just am like whatever. Well I called him while I was waiting. And again it was the same conversation and once again I ended up near tears. Not very cool for me. It sucks ya know. But whatever it's fine. So I get pissed and decided to not really want to talk to him anymore and decided I was going to go. After I got out of work I did the normal thing. Called Zesty since he wasn't staying the night at my place last night and what not and I didn't really get to see him during the day. Not a big deal, it was all fun. When I got home I talked to Shannon for a little while and we decided to play a little bit of Mario Party and so forth. It was a lot of fun.....
Then around midnight my phone started ringing. And it was him. He said he couldn't sleep and wanted to talk for a little bit. Which is kind of weird because he has a girlfriend why wouldn't he call her when he couldn't sleep instead of calling me. Weird yes. Well this conversation lasted for a good two hours. Shannon was going nuts because he is the one person who can seem to flip me in every single direction possible. Which is weird. I mean when someone can make me go from a great mood to a bad mood in less than 5 minutes is ridiculous.
I kind of have been looking at the old relationship and everything as something that never really existed. I always liked him. I was obsessed with him since my senior year of high school. Pre-military days. Before he went to the military I was in love with him. I craved him. I wanted him so badly. I never got the chance to date him before he went to the military and then like after he came back he like normal kind of popped back into my life and everything to talk to me and we started a relationship. It lasted for a good year and a half and we were engaged and everything. But after the relationship ended I still have these feelings for him. But I also figured out that I am in love with the person I cared for when I was in high school and since I never got to date that person it's hard for me to comprehend that he isn't that person anymore. And he isn't that person anymore at all. I dated a stranger almost. I was engaged to a person I didn't even really know. He isn't the person I cared for so long ago and it's really disappointing. Really disappointing. Shannon basically told me that I have to think of it like this. The boy that I loved in high school is dead. As harsh as that seems he is dead. He is no longer the person I loved and cared for so much about then. He never was after he came back from the military. I'm just having a really hard time grasping that. I don't want to think of him as being dead. I don't want to think of him as being gone. it's just so hard for me to understand and I don't want to let go of that idea.
I also need to realize that the way he talks to me, in that kind of condescending I have a HUGE ego kind of way, is not cool. If it were anyone else asking me for "fun pictures" when he has a girlfriend and if he can "see my body in person" I would more than likely go over there and punch them in the nose without a second thought. He is the only person I have ever let talk down to me and make me feel like a child. It sucks. He is the only person who can make me feel like such a horrible person. It's kind of disgusting. Shannon and Zesty told me that I am probably one of the strongest person they have ever met when it comes to how I verbalize things and say what I need to say and saying it sternly and that I can't let him get away with it anymore. I am just disgusted with myself and letting someone make me feel like I am not a good person and like I don't deserve to be treated with any kind of respect.
Whatever though, it's not my issue anymore. If he wants to ask me for "fun" pictures and to "see my body naked if he were in town" then I hope his girlfriend realizes one day that what he thinks is funny basically isn't funny and just kind of skeezy. Shannon and Zesty made me realize today that I am such a smart girl and that I deserve someone who can challenge me in one way or another. And well I need someone who can talk to me as an adult and not as a child.
Well other than that life is good. Shannon is leaving for vacation tonight and I am super jealous. Whatever though, I get my vacations over the summer. Those will be a lot of fun. I'm excited. Shannon's kitty cat has been acting really weird too lately. He has been walking to the end of the hallway and sitting in front of her bedroom door and meowing all day. All evening. And basically all night long. It's kind of strange and makes me wonder if our ghost is back. Yes we have a ghost. There was a really loud noise in the kitchen or somewhere and Marty was at the end of the hallway and just came running back into the living room and sat right in front of us. He wouldn't leave us alone after that. He slept with us all night long on the couch and then early in the morning he started to do the meowing thing all over again. Kind of creepy. Makes me not want to stay the night here by myself.
Oh well, I think I am going to go, I wrote a lot.