A parody.
Transcript of Rep. Gary Jackson (R-NE)
The gaming community faces a crisis today. While we enjoy a renaissance in gaming publication, an evil lurks. An evil lurks, threatening to undermine the very fundamental nature of gaming. While we enjoy our new editions and custom dice sets a growing threat to our way of gaming seeks to undo everything we have created through years of gaming and storytelling. That threat is inter-gamer marriages.
I know this is a sensitive topic. I know that many people have successful long-term relationships with other gamers and I know that they believe the next logical step is marriage. But such an unnatural union cannot be condoned. To condone such a union is to sign a death warrant for our way of gaming. Already we see the fruits of such evil unions before us. The fabric of gaming groups across the world are strained by inter-gamer relationships. Gamemasters abandon their gamers, or worse, give special favors to their partners. Meta-gaming becomes as rampant as pillowtalk. But this is not the worst result of such abominable intercourse. The real threat to out way of gaming is that by choosing another gamer, gamers fail to bring fresh blood into the gaming world, and as a result, that world is shrinking. If this is allowed to continue, if a constitutional amendment is not created to prohibit it, one day, gaming will cease to exist entirely. For we all know that gamers were never meant to breed, and the only way gaming can survive is to find and adopt new gamers from the general populace.
Now, you may think I have no sympathy for the gamers who have found themselves embracing this alternative lifestyle. I tell you, nothing could be farther from the truth. I tell you that I understand what it is to be a gamer. I understand how awkward it is to tell someone that you spend your evenings rolling plastic polyhedrons and calculating critical hit percentages. I tell you, I am a gamer too.
I know the difficulties associated with being a gamer. The painful lack of socialization. The humiliating mockery of those who prize physical activity over mental stimulation. It is natural that we form bonds of friendship with other gamers, finding comfort and succor in their understanding and comraderie and yes, even love and affection. But to let it progress beyond that, to think that the formulation of a sympathetic understanding should be the foundation for marriage is obscene. Marriage is a sacred union, between gamer and non-gamer. To allow any other interpretation of the act of marriage is to condemn gaming to an incestuous downward spiral resulting in abortive pairings between Call of Cthulu and Champions, or worse. Any offspring of such a union would be as irreparably damaged by the abnormality of the arrangement as by its progenitors' gamer nature.
I am proposing new legislation to define marriage as between one gamer and one non-gamer. We must enact this legislation for the protection of our way of gaming. For the defense of our game engines. For the perpetuation of our gaming group.
Thank you.
The gaming community faces a crisis today. While we enjoy a renaissance in gaming publication, an evil lurks. An evil lurks, threatening to undermine the very fundamental nature of gaming. While we enjoy our new editions and custom dice sets a growing threat to our way of gaming seeks to undo everything we have created through years of gaming and storytelling. That threat is inter-gamer marriages.
I know this is a sensitive topic. I know that many people have successful long-term relationships with other gamers and I know that they believe the next logical step is marriage. But such an unnatural union cannot be condoned. To condone such a union is to sign a death warrant for our way of gaming. Already we see the fruits of such evil unions before us. The fabric of gaming groups across the world are strained by inter-gamer relationships. Gamemasters abandon their gamers, or worse, give special favors to their partners. Meta-gaming becomes as rampant as pillowtalk. But this is not the worst result of such abominable intercourse. The real threat to out way of gaming is that by choosing another gamer, gamers fail to bring fresh blood into the gaming world, and as a result, that world is shrinking. If this is allowed to continue, if a constitutional amendment is not created to prohibit it, one day, gaming will cease to exist entirely. For we all know that gamers were never meant to breed, and the only way gaming can survive is to find and adopt new gamers from the general populace.
Now, you may think I have no sympathy for the gamers who have found themselves embracing this alternative lifestyle. I tell you, nothing could be farther from the truth. I tell you that I understand what it is to be a gamer. I understand how awkward it is to tell someone that you spend your evenings rolling plastic polyhedrons and calculating critical hit percentages. I tell you, I am a gamer too.
I know the difficulties associated with being a gamer. The painful lack of socialization. The humiliating mockery of those who prize physical activity over mental stimulation. It is natural that we form bonds of friendship with other gamers, finding comfort and succor in their understanding and comraderie and yes, even love and affection. But to let it progress beyond that, to think that the formulation of a sympathetic understanding should be the foundation for marriage is obscene. Marriage is a sacred union, between gamer and non-gamer. To allow any other interpretation of the act of marriage is to condemn gaming to an incestuous downward spiral resulting in abortive pairings between Call of Cthulu and Champions, or worse. Any offspring of such a union would be as irreparably damaged by the abnormality of the arrangement as by its progenitors' gamer nature.
I am proposing new legislation to define marriage as between one gamer and one non-gamer. We must enact this legislation for the protection of our way of gaming. For the defense of our game engines. For the perpetuation of our gaming group.
Thank you.