I see the pain drip from your eye..
wow. this has been a while hasn't it?
but alas, it's use is yet again needed.
taking a glimpse below, i'm so glad i left that life behind. strangest moments i've ever had. the nighttime excursions only come back occassionally now, well more like twice in the past week but that's a lot better than it had been.
there's so much shit going on. from going and giving up the future i had dreamed of so that i could do the parenting thing. i'm not ready for it. to this new guy... i read back and saw back to a lot about brad *sigh* what the fuck ever.
so mini chaos is without any doubt in my mind, a boy. the worst part about being pregnant thus far, has been being able to feel that discomfort whenever something starts to happen ..i'm entirely too in touch with my body so i have this constant feeling of discomfort, since the kid is constantly growing and changing. everyone keeps saying what a great mom i'm gonna make and all that cuz i've dealt with kids my entire life, but i don't know how to be a mom. i know how to be a cousin and a babysitter and a manager, and a teacher's aid ..but not a mom. i just don't want to fuck this kid up the way my parents fucked up with me, the way parents mess up their kids every day.
pegs is out on her own, family now lives in south carolina and 'jersey. moving outta vicky's cuz vicky was rude enough to rent out pegs' room to his pregnant ex ..even tho pegs was already settled in. so who knows where she's going to go next. luckily, she's getting a new car today, well ..as long as ty's uncle cosigns for it, she needs that.
this new guy, mike. i couldn't tell you how long we've been together, when our anniversary is, or any of that but i can tell you he's ..something else. it's taken so much for me to try to get brad outta my system that i refuse to get close enough to mike for me to fall for him.cruel, i know, but when you love someone the way i loved that stupid ex and you put yourself through the shit i put myself through for him, and then i wind up finally getting fed up and realizing things would never change so i leave him ..you're not really willing to just open right back up again.
lisa is convinced that mike would be "the one" if i'd just let go of the past and move on. well the one i thought was "the one" turned out to be blind, so fuck "the one". mike is a great guy, he's by far the best guy i've dated, if i'd let go and give him a fair shot. he's everything i wanted out of brad. he wants to be around, be involved, go places and do things ..travel to wherever and do whatever. and this guy is dead locked in love with me. so much so that he sent pegs a message saying he thought he was gonna lose me and what he could do for me to not break up with him cuz he really was in love with me. he took the initiative noone else has taken before. i wound up breaking up with him anyway cuz i didn't want to be in a relationship, and most days i still don't want to be, but then i think of what an amazing guy he is and how stupid i'd be to let someone like that slip through my fingers. but he finds a way back every time.
the day i found out about mini chaos, i instantly started crying ..and pegs couldn't stop laughing cuz she was in shock. and i called mike and told him and obviously it wasn't his, but he was so excited and he didn't even care that it was with some other guy. he's been so supportive through the entire process, stuck by me even when i was in the worst of my mood swings ..brad has been MIA the entire time, tho i did tell him. he just didn't seem to care, he was too focused on the new car he was going to be getting. even when oreo died, as sad as it was ..he didn't ask how the baby was ..and to this day has yet to ask.
so it's as i've always said, it's on me. i won't let him fuck up this kid the way he almost fucked me up. saying he'll be around and then just being all excuses and no shows. fuck that. my kid will get the best life i can provide, a life i could have only dreamt of as a kid. if the mini one is confirmed as a boy, his name will be vince. i like that name i think. he will not be raised around my family ..aka the aunts and uncles. i don't even want them around. sure, they'll see him at family parties if i choose to attend, but that's it. i don't want them at the hospital, baby shower, birthday parties.. none of it. those women are pure hypocrits to the life they claim to lead, and there is no way that's a quality i'd want the baby to possess. and my uncles.. let's not even get started on that one, we know the story on them and the first person to do any harm to my kid is being stamped with a death decree on their forehead which will be immediately acted upon.
it's amazing.. i'm very protective of people, of the ones i love, to the point that the list of things i'd do for them is limitless. but the amount of protection i have for mini chaos is amplified even more ...by like a bagillion. i don't want this kid to ever feel pain tho i know it's inevitable, but i have a lot i can teach about dealing with pain ..a lot i can teach to help ease the hard times i know they'll face.
me and my kid. that's so strange to think about.. 21 with a kid. but it's worth giving up the dreams for. or at least putting them off indefinitely. i'm a bit worried about mike once the baby is born, just cuz that's gonna be the man that little vince sees, and i don't want to be one of those moms who brings home different guys all the time, i won't be that person, i'd rather be single for the rest of my life. oi. i dunno. there's so much to consider still. i want to go back to michigan, like hardcore. i came back here cuz i couldn't stand not being able to see brad at the drop of a hat tho i never did anyway ..so i came back for the wrong reasons and now that he's outta the picture it's like ..why stay? mike is rooted where he's at, especially if he opens the new shop next year, but i don't want to do a redo of what happened before so i dunno.
anyway. i should eat before the day begins ..it's gonna be a long day and i'm takin pegs to china buffet for dinner ..even tho the smell of that place makes me sick and just the thought of it is making me nauseous ..but she loves it so whatever. i'm out ..til tomorrow.
but alas, it's use is yet again needed.
taking a glimpse below, i'm so glad i left that life behind. strangest moments i've ever had. the nighttime excursions only come back occassionally now, well more like twice in the past week but that's a lot better than it had been.
there's so much shit going on. from going and giving up the future i had dreamed of so that i could do the parenting thing. i'm not ready for it. to this new guy... i read back and saw back to a lot about brad *sigh* what the fuck ever.
so mini chaos is without any doubt in my mind, a boy. the worst part about being pregnant thus far, has been being able to feel that discomfort whenever something starts to happen ..i'm entirely too in touch with my body so i have this constant feeling of discomfort, since the kid is constantly growing and changing. everyone keeps saying what a great mom i'm gonna make and all that cuz i've dealt with kids my entire life, but i don't know how to be a mom. i know how to be a cousin and a babysitter and a manager, and a teacher's aid ..but not a mom. i just don't want to fuck this kid up the way my parents fucked up with me, the way parents mess up their kids every day.
pegs is out on her own, family now lives in south carolina and 'jersey. moving outta vicky's cuz vicky was rude enough to rent out pegs' room to his pregnant ex ..even tho pegs was already settled in. so who knows where she's going to go next. luckily, she's getting a new car today, well ..as long as ty's uncle cosigns for it, she needs that.
this new guy, mike. i couldn't tell you how long we've been together, when our anniversary is, or any of that but i can tell you he's ..something else. it's taken so much for me to try to get brad outta my system that i refuse to get close enough to mike for me to fall for him.cruel, i know, but when you love someone the way i loved that stupid ex and you put yourself through the shit i put myself through for him, and then i wind up finally getting fed up and realizing things would never change so i leave him ..you're not really willing to just open right back up again.
lisa is convinced that mike would be "the one" if i'd just let go of the past and move on. well the one i thought was "the one" turned out to be blind, so fuck "the one". mike is a great guy, he's by far the best guy i've dated, if i'd let go and give him a fair shot. he's everything i wanted out of brad. he wants to be around, be involved, go places and do things ..travel to wherever and do whatever. and this guy is dead locked in love with me. so much so that he sent pegs a message saying he thought he was gonna lose me and what he could do for me to not break up with him cuz he really was in love with me. he took the initiative noone else has taken before. i wound up breaking up with him anyway cuz i didn't want to be in a relationship, and most days i still don't want to be, but then i think of what an amazing guy he is and how stupid i'd be to let someone like that slip through my fingers. but he finds a way back every time.
the day i found out about mini chaos, i instantly started crying ..and pegs couldn't stop laughing cuz she was in shock. and i called mike and told him and obviously it wasn't his, but he was so excited and he didn't even care that it was with some other guy. he's been so supportive through the entire process, stuck by me even when i was in the worst of my mood swings ..brad has been MIA the entire time, tho i did tell him. he just didn't seem to care, he was too focused on the new car he was going to be getting. even when oreo died, as sad as it was ..he didn't ask how the baby was ..and to this day has yet to ask.
so it's as i've always said, it's on me. i won't let him fuck up this kid the way he almost fucked me up. saying he'll be around and then just being all excuses and no shows. fuck that. my kid will get the best life i can provide, a life i could have only dreamt of as a kid. if the mini one is confirmed as a boy, his name will be vince. i like that name i think. he will not be raised around my family ..aka the aunts and uncles. i don't even want them around. sure, they'll see him at family parties if i choose to attend, but that's it. i don't want them at the hospital, baby shower, birthday parties.. none of it. those women are pure hypocrits to the life they claim to lead, and there is no way that's a quality i'd want the baby to possess. and my uncles.. let's not even get started on that one, we know the story on them and the first person to do any harm to my kid is being stamped with a death decree on their forehead which will be immediately acted upon.
it's amazing.. i'm very protective of people, of the ones i love, to the point that the list of things i'd do for them is limitless. but the amount of protection i have for mini chaos is amplified even more ...by like a bagillion. i don't want this kid to ever feel pain tho i know it's inevitable, but i have a lot i can teach about dealing with pain ..a lot i can teach to help ease the hard times i know they'll face.
me and my kid. that's so strange to think about.. 21 with a kid. but it's worth giving up the dreams for. or at least putting them off indefinitely. i'm a bit worried about mike once the baby is born, just cuz that's gonna be the man that little vince sees, and i don't want to be one of those moms who brings home different guys all the time, i won't be that person, i'd rather be single for the rest of my life. oi. i dunno. there's so much to consider still. i want to go back to michigan, like hardcore. i came back here cuz i couldn't stand not being able to see brad at the drop of a hat tho i never did anyway ..so i came back for the wrong reasons and now that he's outta the picture it's like ..why stay? mike is rooted where he's at, especially if he opens the new shop next year, but i don't want to do a redo of what happened before so i dunno.
anyway. i should eat before the day begins ..it's gonna be a long day and i'm takin pegs to china buffet for dinner ..even tho the smell of that place makes me sick and just the thought of it is making me nauseous ..but she loves it so whatever. i'm out ..til tomorrow.