(no subject)
i really do not want to move
it's all gone a bit shit :(
today just made me so fucking sad.i felt so ill all morning, everything was spinning and i ended up falling asleep on pia so she made me have a sleep lol. what am i going to do without her and holly :(
seriously?
sat in the pub in the end cos it was so cold and i cant stop shivering.iv had two showers, both so hot and iv just frozen in both of them.ghey.
i have tonight to decide. and despite all my 'im going''s or 'i'm staying's'
i dont have a decision.do i?
i know i don't want to go. and to be honest, that's outweighing everything right now.that and the fact i'd actually have to get a loan of £10k and i don't really want a debt that big.
i know.i dont want to.go.i know that 100%.
if i went i'd have to go for 40 hours a week like a job, which i could do.
but id have to find money to pay to live there which means another job at the weekend. and i could go to h&m but i'd have to work literally alll hours all weekend.
and i'd have no time to even make new friends.
i could move in with lee..but to be honest i dont want to all that much.
he's not ant or jack and at the minute im not gonna be amazing to live with.
there's will but i dont trust will.at all.
and to stay..would mean i could find somewhere to live and know people and know places and i could do a masters, just for a year and then save up to travel. im gonna try and go to south america at some point too.
tonight i went to see kate. yeah, i know jack's told everyone iv practically slept with her and stuff all week
but it wasnt like that.
it was sad.on my half. cos i went round and i sat there and i just hated it. i went round cos she has my cardigan [im such a girl] from tuesday.and i didnt sleep with her tuesday. i havent done a single thing with her. i havent even hugged her. no matter what jack says, i havent.
i told him at warehouse that i went back to hers. i did go back to hers. i got some stuff as steph gave me a lift and kate lives at emma's atm near her so she got a lift too.i didnt want to go but steph dragged me there cos she's at the whole annoying 'aww you two..spend time together and you'll be back together awwww' stage.
damn it.
whereas everyone else is like um.stay the fuck away from each other stage.
me? i dunno. i guess i wanted us to say goodbye tonight on civil terms. because i do miss her.i wont lie. she was pretty damn nasty tonight to the extent i came back and just wanted to cry my eyes out until my heart fucking burst and i wouldnt have to think about her anymore. jack came over and i was a mess. not just cos of that, cos of everything.cos i got myself drunk again earlier and it sets me off on a downward spiral. i asked if i could talk to him and said i needed help deciding and that he did matter to me and that i wasnt leaving him and he just told me im a complete joke.
jack doesnt get that missing and being over her can be different.cant they? or am i lying to myself?
its not that i want her back.its not that iv gone and begged her to be mine again or for me to be hers. its just, i guess she's fucking torn me apart and something inside of me's just completely shattered. its like..i need to hear her just tell me she only says it cos she's mad. if i knew she didnt mean it maybe i wouldnt be so confused or hurt and i wouldnt doubt or detest myself so much. i guess i need her to randomly say, actually i dont mean a word of it and you are a nice person.and you did treat me right..i just cheated cos im a bitch. and i need someone to explain why i drove rhi away and hayley. even beth.everything she said tonight is true. and she's said it before but with less hatred. tonight was a full on get nick round, sit him down and absolutely tear him apart mission.mission succesful and completed. and she brought cee up.
she's the only person i told about cee.cos i was upset and it was the one time kate was nice.
cee and i arent a big issue. she had a bf. he beat her up.she and i hung out, we got too close and we ended up feeling something. turned into us going out and we couldnt tell anyone who knew us cos of her bf.she'd come over and cry her eyes out on me, id look after her, gave up loads noone had a clue about and had him beat the shit out of me a few times. and i was there for her. and then it came down to that one night. and she text me saying she was sorry but we couldntt be together anymore. and i knew she was too good for me so i didnt say anything to make her feel bad, i said i'd still be there for her and she could talk to me or come round if she wanted/needed.and she text me back saying i couldnt do anything for her, that she'd been seeing someone else and that she was sorry. and her bf found out and whatever happened after that i dunno. cos she left didnt she? even cee cheated on me.if thats cheating.it is, but she did cheat with me, so is that the same?
why am i never good enough to just be enough and all that any one person needs?
its not that im rubbish with affectionate and other stuff.im not full of myself but i know its not that. is it?
kate says people just view me as a big joke, that i give them everything and then they leave cos they realise im pathetic. she said im a fuck up but i dont know what she means? why am i a fuck up? she makes me feel i do something wrong, that hurts people, but she wont say what? i dont think i do, i know she's trying to shatter my everything/only confidence back,but she makes out i deserve fuck all and i dont know why i dont? i know in try to be a nice/good/honest person. i know thats fuck all to this world now, but i have morals and old fashioned beliefs and i know iv had shit thrown at me and still remained a good guy.iv not turned to drugs/sleeping around/violence or anything like that. iv never laid a finger on anyone and my only weakness is how miserable i get. i know im soft, but only on lj!
i dont know whats wrong with me? she keeps saying im just a freak and makes me feel like i really am one.
am i missing something masssive? that everyone sees but me and protects me from?
am i?
i didnt expect it, i honestly went round to get my stuff and leave. no matter who believes me, thats all. and instead she refused to give it back, i sat there and just watched her and she launched into one of her fucked up speels about how absolutely shit i am, how much of a joke my life is. but every word is true. every single word of it. and every single truth just hurts, its like she's tearing me apart and i can feel every last bit of happiness or confidence being ripped off of me.
it never bothers me im single till she points out repeatedly how everyone treats me. she makes me out to be this fucking bully or something, who drives girls away and into cheating on me, when in my head im so fucking nice to them.
she makes me doubt everything i am and do. like, when i talk to people like katie or my girl friends, in my opinion im being nice? but she's made me doubt that now.i think i am actually a horrible person. and i know not to listen to her, i know she's not anything important and not right but why does it have to hurt so much?
why does she always tear apart me being miserable? she uses my every weakness and imperfection against me. she knows things other people dont and throws them at me and brings up everything iv tried to push away and get over.
why do i care? i dont. i just have a hard time letting things leave my head because i think too much and everyone knows im a miserable person. its not that i am even miserable.the doctor said if it all runs in the family then its probably just a genetic or natural thing im gonna feel like i do, but to me thats bullshit. but..then i do get miserable.beyond everyone's knowledge but hers. she knows what makes me hurt and get upset over the most.and she loves it
and i said about 4 words all night.i just sat there and watched her walk up and down and around the room, laughing and being crazy. she was wasted.of course she was. when she's wasted she's vile.its a shame.
i should have left without my stuff but some of the things she said just made me so upset that i didnt even think about being able to leave, and she just kept going on and on.
her fiance.ex.whatever the fuck he is.is vile.
i dont know why this bothers me so much.
i have so many stupid things going on in my head right now. im gonna get drunk, and not go to guildford, and run away from everything right?
i dont have many 'problems'. i dont. im lucky.and i know this.
but i have things upsetting me right now.majorly upsetting me.and i feel they're pathetic when said out loud.
i hate feelings. i hate memories. i hate how songs like staind's and hoobastank's and incubus'' and stupid stupid amazing songs make me feel like im right back at all my worst darkest moments and i feel so trapped by them. every feeling i had all those times, every one is still inside of me. and i dont know why.
im scared of being sick. im tired by it and im fed up of it but most of all im scared. im soft.i know.
the doctor didnt just dismiss my neck. i know that this means another round of going through pure hell. if i moved to guildford, my plan was to escape all people with an inkling about anything. cos they couldnt mention it, they wouldnt have to know about jas or why im so upset or kate and itd be perfect.but one massive lie.
and then i'd need to talk about it and i wouldnt be able to, i'd lose the people who found out later and felt i couldnt be trusted.
they'd see scars and ask like people here have. they'd ask questions in general and i'd be an idiot and say something stupid.
i miss hearing people talk about things. people. there isnt a single soul in the world to talk about things with right now. clairey maybe but she has too much going on.and jack, he gets fed up of me.
sometimes if i dont talk about things like on lj it all builds up and i just let it hurt.thats all.
but this times different. like i just cant do it anymore.it? everything. how can you not do anything anymore? i know what i mean.
this whole waking up to feeling i have no idea what or why im bothering to be, i feel im joking and kidding myself. nick, law school.me? ha.it doesnt even look good written down. im a loser. like kate said, i am a loser.im not specially rich or talented, i have nothing unique about me and im just here for others and to fill a space.
jack reckons im gonna get beaten up.he reckons im dragging him into it all and im not.and i wont.
and he refused to move in with me cos he thinks i'll be all crying and sad over kate. i wont.
he's sad over lucy.they've been together almost as long.why is it so wrong i get sad sometimes? sure, his ex isnt a fuck up, i'll give him that, but neither was mine at one point and everyone knows im soft, im sentimental, im nostalgic and im an idiot but why is it their problem?
i never mention that i miss her to him, not like he makes out.
he's told people tonight iv gone and slept with her.that iv gone round and begged for her back or something
cos thats how pathetic and needy he clearly thinks i am, which is probably my fault.
but..it was only my fault for writing it on lj. he read my lj the other day, read old stuff and assumed its all now, present feelings
well.its not.
deception, i never accused him of. but weird, he's gotten. and it sucks.it fucking sucks.
im upset because he wouldnt even come and spend today with me. he came round earlier and gave me my stuff from his house and wouldnt even come in. i asked him to move in with me and i said it was the thing that i needed to hear to make me stay right now and he told me to go fuck myself. and then kate.
everything just keeps spinning and every day im just so fucking tired. when i sleep i wake up shaking or drenched in sweat or freezing or burning hot and i just go so white. and its not that its a big deal, its just it makes me so out of it. i just think im awake and talk absolute shit. i lie back in bed and cant sleep and just want to get upset cos i want it to end.i feel so trapped behind something i still dont feel is me or right.
im waiting for it all to go away.
i dont know what the fuck im saying.im doing it again. losing myself in stupid stuff that doesnt make any sense and making myself fall apart because of fucking guildford and kate and illness and my own stupid head and inability to find something that i care about or can smile over.
i need to be able to see but things just spin and i know im not going to guildford now but im not even happy over it cos i think people are gonna bitch at me or laugh at me if i said bye to them today and i'll feel iv wasted their time.
i cant believe jack.i just talked to him on msn and he said fuck off
cheers.
what.the,fuck :(
i do not want to go.
im not going
i cant stand the thought of it. i cant stand the thought of it
im gonna get my ass kicked.noones home and i just got so many texts saying so. fuck.
fuck
im not going to guildford
i dont feel well enough to.honestly.and i dont feel strong enough to and if this makes me an absolute loser then maybe its just what i am and always have been.if you cared that much, you must just have missed it
im not going.iv decided.
now i just have to escape tonight
that was easy...
and the reason i never mention the most important person in my life right now on my lj is because i guess i feel like i dont deserve to after i do this and prove myself to be a fuck up :(
but she means everything to me. and i dont want to be further away from her. and im not gonna say thats why im not going.because that is unfair and also not true, in a non offensive way, its just a big influencing factor. but she is the single most amazing big hearted, caring, just most perfect person i know and i dont deserve to know her.
but i want her in my life forever and my life in the respect of just simply knowing her is absolutely amazing. i am the single luckiest person alive.i guess i just dont say it enough because sometimes i think iv made it all up or its so nice and perfect that it'll all vanish when i mention it, and i'll find out im just kidding myself or its not real.
because i dont deserve to know such amazing people, but i do and if i managed to drive away people much less amazing then im scared im gonna do the same, do whatever it is i do, all over again :(
i miss katie:(
tonight isn't right.and i'm sorry :(
i am a fuck up.i do fuck up.always.and i cant stand the every other aspects of my life right this second. im just not myself anymore and i dont know what to do or who to say it to or how to and i just cant deal with it. i dont want them to come round and attempt to make things worse. i dont mean to miss her, why is it so bad? i havent done anything.and now there's no ant and no jack to talk to and pia's believing jack over me sleeping with kate and he said if i get beaten up i deserve it but i havent done anything :(
have i?
im sorry
it's all gone a bit shit :(
today just made me so fucking sad.i felt so ill all morning, everything was spinning and i ended up falling asleep on pia so she made me have a sleep lol. what am i going to do without her and holly :(
seriously?
sat in the pub in the end cos it was so cold and i cant stop shivering.iv had two showers, both so hot and iv just frozen in both of them.ghey.
i have tonight to decide. and despite all my 'im going''s or 'i'm staying's'
i dont have a decision.do i?
i know i don't want to go. and to be honest, that's outweighing everything right now.that and the fact i'd actually have to get a loan of £10k and i don't really want a debt that big.
i know.i dont want to.go.i know that 100%.
if i went i'd have to go for 40 hours a week like a job, which i could do.
but id have to find money to pay to live there which means another job at the weekend. and i could go to h&m but i'd have to work literally alll hours all weekend.
and i'd have no time to even make new friends.
i could move in with lee..but to be honest i dont want to all that much.
he's not ant or jack and at the minute im not gonna be amazing to live with.
there's will but i dont trust will.at all.
and to stay..would mean i could find somewhere to live and know people and know places and i could do a masters, just for a year and then save up to travel. im gonna try and go to south america at some point too.
tonight i went to see kate. yeah, i know jack's told everyone iv practically slept with her and stuff all week
but it wasnt like that.
it was sad.on my half. cos i went round and i sat there and i just hated it. i went round cos she has my cardigan [im such a girl] from tuesday.and i didnt sleep with her tuesday. i havent done a single thing with her. i havent even hugged her. no matter what jack says, i havent.
i told him at warehouse that i went back to hers. i did go back to hers. i got some stuff as steph gave me a lift and kate lives at emma's atm near her so she got a lift too.i didnt want to go but steph dragged me there cos she's at the whole annoying 'aww you two..spend time together and you'll be back together awwww' stage.
damn it.
whereas everyone else is like um.stay the fuck away from each other stage.
me? i dunno. i guess i wanted us to say goodbye tonight on civil terms. because i do miss her.i wont lie. she was pretty damn nasty tonight to the extent i came back and just wanted to cry my eyes out until my heart fucking burst and i wouldnt have to think about her anymore. jack came over and i was a mess. not just cos of that, cos of everything.cos i got myself drunk again earlier and it sets me off on a downward spiral. i asked if i could talk to him and said i needed help deciding and that he did matter to me and that i wasnt leaving him and he just told me im a complete joke.
jack doesnt get that missing and being over her can be different.cant they? or am i lying to myself?
its not that i want her back.its not that iv gone and begged her to be mine again or for me to be hers. its just, i guess she's fucking torn me apart and something inside of me's just completely shattered. its like..i need to hear her just tell me she only says it cos she's mad. if i knew she didnt mean it maybe i wouldnt be so confused or hurt and i wouldnt doubt or detest myself so much. i guess i need her to randomly say, actually i dont mean a word of it and you are a nice person.and you did treat me right..i just cheated cos im a bitch. and i need someone to explain why i drove rhi away and hayley. even beth.everything she said tonight is true. and she's said it before but with less hatred. tonight was a full on get nick round, sit him down and absolutely tear him apart mission.mission succesful and completed. and she brought cee up.
she's the only person i told about cee.cos i was upset and it was the one time kate was nice.
cee and i arent a big issue. she had a bf. he beat her up.she and i hung out, we got too close and we ended up feeling something. turned into us going out and we couldnt tell anyone who knew us cos of her bf.she'd come over and cry her eyes out on me, id look after her, gave up loads noone had a clue about and had him beat the shit out of me a few times. and i was there for her. and then it came down to that one night. and she text me saying she was sorry but we couldntt be together anymore. and i knew she was too good for me so i didnt say anything to make her feel bad, i said i'd still be there for her and she could talk to me or come round if she wanted/needed.and she text me back saying i couldnt do anything for her, that she'd been seeing someone else and that she was sorry. and her bf found out and whatever happened after that i dunno. cos she left didnt she? even cee cheated on me.if thats cheating.it is, but she did cheat with me, so is that the same?
why am i never good enough to just be enough and all that any one person needs?
its not that im rubbish with affectionate and other stuff.im not full of myself but i know its not that. is it?
kate says people just view me as a big joke, that i give them everything and then they leave cos they realise im pathetic. she said im a fuck up but i dont know what she means? why am i a fuck up? she makes me feel i do something wrong, that hurts people, but she wont say what? i dont think i do, i know she's trying to shatter my everything/only confidence back,but she makes out i deserve fuck all and i dont know why i dont? i know in try to be a nice/good/honest person. i know thats fuck all to this world now, but i have morals and old fashioned beliefs and i know iv had shit thrown at me and still remained a good guy.iv not turned to drugs/sleeping around/violence or anything like that. iv never laid a finger on anyone and my only weakness is how miserable i get. i know im soft, but only on lj!
i dont know whats wrong with me? she keeps saying im just a freak and makes me feel like i really am one.
am i missing something masssive? that everyone sees but me and protects me from?
am i?
i didnt expect it, i honestly went round to get my stuff and leave. no matter who believes me, thats all. and instead she refused to give it back, i sat there and just watched her and she launched into one of her fucked up speels about how absolutely shit i am, how much of a joke my life is. but every word is true. every single word of it. and every single truth just hurts, its like she's tearing me apart and i can feel every last bit of happiness or confidence being ripped off of me.
it never bothers me im single till she points out repeatedly how everyone treats me. she makes me out to be this fucking bully or something, who drives girls away and into cheating on me, when in my head im so fucking nice to them.
she makes me doubt everything i am and do. like, when i talk to people like katie or my girl friends, in my opinion im being nice? but she's made me doubt that now.i think i am actually a horrible person. and i know not to listen to her, i know she's not anything important and not right but why does it have to hurt so much?
why does she always tear apart me being miserable? she uses my every weakness and imperfection against me. she knows things other people dont and throws them at me and brings up everything iv tried to push away and get over.
why do i care? i dont. i just have a hard time letting things leave my head because i think too much and everyone knows im a miserable person. its not that i am even miserable.the doctor said if it all runs in the family then its probably just a genetic or natural thing im gonna feel like i do, but to me thats bullshit. but..then i do get miserable.beyond everyone's knowledge but hers. she knows what makes me hurt and get upset over the most.and she loves it
and i said about 4 words all night.i just sat there and watched her walk up and down and around the room, laughing and being crazy. she was wasted.of course she was. when she's wasted she's vile.its a shame.
i should have left without my stuff but some of the things she said just made me so upset that i didnt even think about being able to leave, and she just kept going on and on.
her fiance.ex.whatever the fuck he is.is vile.
i dont know why this bothers me so much.
i have so many stupid things going on in my head right now. im gonna get drunk, and not go to guildford, and run away from everything right?
i dont have many 'problems'. i dont. im lucky.and i know this.
but i have things upsetting me right now.majorly upsetting me.and i feel they're pathetic when said out loud.
i hate feelings. i hate memories. i hate how songs like staind's and hoobastank's and incubus'' and stupid stupid amazing songs make me feel like im right back at all my worst darkest moments and i feel so trapped by them. every feeling i had all those times, every one is still inside of me. and i dont know why.
im scared of being sick. im tired by it and im fed up of it but most of all im scared. im soft.i know.
the doctor didnt just dismiss my neck. i know that this means another round of going through pure hell. if i moved to guildford, my plan was to escape all people with an inkling about anything. cos they couldnt mention it, they wouldnt have to know about jas or why im so upset or kate and itd be perfect.but one massive lie.
and then i'd need to talk about it and i wouldnt be able to, i'd lose the people who found out later and felt i couldnt be trusted.
they'd see scars and ask like people here have. they'd ask questions in general and i'd be an idiot and say something stupid.
i miss hearing people talk about things. people. there isnt a single soul in the world to talk about things with right now. clairey maybe but she has too much going on.and jack, he gets fed up of me.
sometimes if i dont talk about things like on lj it all builds up and i just let it hurt.thats all.
but this times different. like i just cant do it anymore.it? everything. how can you not do anything anymore? i know what i mean.
this whole waking up to feeling i have no idea what or why im bothering to be, i feel im joking and kidding myself. nick, law school.me? ha.it doesnt even look good written down. im a loser. like kate said, i am a loser.im not specially rich or talented, i have nothing unique about me and im just here for others and to fill a space.
jack reckons im gonna get beaten up.he reckons im dragging him into it all and im not.and i wont.
and he refused to move in with me cos he thinks i'll be all crying and sad over kate. i wont.
he's sad over lucy.they've been together almost as long.why is it so wrong i get sad sometimes? sure, his ex isnt a fuck up, i'll give him that, but neither was mine at one point and everyone knows im soft, im sentimental, im nostalgic and im an idiot but why is it their problem?
i never mention that i miss her to him, not like he makes out.
he's told people tonight iv gone and slept with her.that iv gone round and begged for her back or something
cos thats how pathetic and needy he clearly thinks i am, which is probably my fault.
but..it was only my fault for writing it on lj. he read my lj the other day, read old stuff and assumed its all now, present feelings
well.its not.
deception, i never accused him of. but weird, he's gotten. and it sucks.it fucking sucks.
im upset because he wouldnt even come and spend today with me. he came round earlier and gave me my stuff from his house and wouldnt even come in. i asked him to move in with me and i said it was the thing that i needed to hear to make me stay right now and he told me to go fuck myself. and then kate.
everything just keeps spinning and every day im just so fucking tired. when i sleep i wake up shaking or drenched in sweat or freezing or burning hot and i just go so white. and its not that its a big deal, its just it makes me so out of it. i just think im awake and talk absolute shit. i lie back in bed and cant sleep and just want to get upset cos i want it to end.i feel so trapped behind something i still dont feel is me or right.
im waiting for it all to go away.
i dont know what the fuck im saying.im doing it again. losing myself in stupid stuff that doesnt make any sense and making myself fall apart because of fucking guildford and kate and illness and my own stupid head and inability to find something that i care about or can smile over.
i need to be able to see but things just spin and i know im not going to guildford now but im not even happy over it cos i think people are gonna bitch at me or laugh at me if i said bye to them today and i'll feel iv wasted their time.
i cant believe jack.i just talked to him on msn and he said fuck off
cheers.
what.the,fuck :(
i do not want to go.
im not going
i cant stand the thought of it. i cant stand the thought of it
im gonna get my ass kicked.noones home and i just got so many texts saying so. fuck.
fuck
im not going to guildford
i dont feel well enough to.honestly.and i dont feel strong enough to and if this makes me an absolute loser then maybe its just what i am and always have been.if you cared that much, you must just have missed it
im not going.iv decided.
now i just have to escape tonight
that was easy...
and the reason i never mention the most important person in my life right now on my lj is because i guess i feel like i dont deserve to after i do this and prove myself to be a fuck up :(
but she means everything to me. and i dont want to be further away from her. and im not gonna say thats why im not going.because that is unfair and also not true, in a non offensive way, its just a big influencing factor. but she is the single most amazing big hearted, caring, just most perfect person i know and i dont deserve to know her.
but i want her in my life forever and my life in the respect of just simply knowing her is absolutely amazing. i am the single luckiest person alive.i guess i just dont say it enough because sometimes i think iv made it all up or its so nice and perfect that it'll all vanish when i mention it, and i'll find out im just kidding myself or its not real.
because i dont deserve to know such amazing people, but i do and if i managed to drive away people much less amazing then im scared im gonna do the same, do whatever it is i do, all over again :(
i miss katie:(
tonight isn't right.and i'm sorry :(
i am a fuck up.i do fuck up.always.and i cant stand the every other aspects of my life right this second. im just not myself anymore and i dont know what to do or who to say it to or how to and i just cant deal with it. i dont want them to come round and attempt to make things worse. i dont mean to miss her, why is it so bad? i havent done anything.and now there's no ant and no jack to talk to and pia's believing jack over me sleeping with kate and he said if i get beaten up i deserve it but i havent done anything :(
have i?
im sorry