learning to manipulate bureaucracy
Note to my dear readers: I don't write often anymore and this post is LOOOOOOONG. I'm not sure how it will fare in the online world which caters to the ever shortening attention spans. I'M SORRY THIS ISN'T A LISTICLE. OKAY? <3 <3 <3
My life has been a very consistent cycle of having a couple months at home and then two weeks in the hospital. After a couple of stays last year my doctor anxiety is through the roof, but that is getting better.
I sit in my bed listening to them placating me, "We're on the same team and you know your body best! It's important that we make decisions as a team."
I've gotten good at calmly replying, "You tell me I know my body best when it's convenient for you. We make decisions as a team only when you make a decision I agree with. Ultimately, I know and you know that you call the shots. It's unfortunate. When I look at my medical records I can clearly see that I do better and can stay out of the hospital longer when I've been able to stay in longer. I'm only being pushy because staying in a few days longer now, away from my daughter, means that I can stay at home with her for longer stretches of time."
They stare at me blankly, hoping that I'll stop talking soon. I go on anyway. Before they can nod and say, "Mmmm hmmmm. I understand."
"But it's okay I suppose. I mean, it's not actually okay but whatever. You call the shots. I will go home. Rather than continue this discussion I'd prefer to not waste any more of our time so you can get on with your rounds and I can get some rest.
"No hard feelings, even if it seems like it. I respect you and where you're coming from, but at the risk of sounding stubborn and bullheaded, we're at an impasse. I'm sorry."
It fucking sucks. I'm so tired of the game. Notes from the hospital attendings get sent to my therapist telling him that he needs to teach me tools to help me reign it in. It amuses both of us because my therapist gets tired of playing the games with other doctors, just as much as me if not more.
Our brains can run in circles around some of the attendings who have unfortunately become robotic with their care.
I'm getting better at playing the game. Manipulating the attendings into thinking they're swaying me. This hospital stay I was able to get two more days out of what was supposed to be a ten day stay. I was able to take advantage of having "too many cooks" and I my ten day stay turned into 12 because it is impossible to have them all in my room at the same time. Twelve days is till not the full course. My sinuses always lag behind my lungs in terms of responding to antibiotics. So I'm still getting sinus headaches and I have no real sense of smell which is such a disappointment.
Staying in-house for a couple of more days for my sinuses sounds like overkill. My doctors look at me with SUCH incredulity when I explain to them how limited my treatment options are for my sinuses. I explain to them that I understand where they are coming from, because I do. Hospitalizing someone for a sinus infection is ridiculous. But the doctors are myopic. They don't have the time or resources to be anything else.
I'm left sitting in the crosshairs of medical and insurance bureaucracy. But I do what I can to advocate and I'm getting better.
While it still sucks in so many ways, I can see my advocation skill set growing and getting stronger. That feels good. It feels very very good.
My life has been a very consistent cycle of having a couple months at home and then two weeks in the hospital. After a couple of stays last year my doctor anxiety is through the roof, but that is getting better.
I sit in my bed listening to them placating me, "We're on the same team and you know your body best! It's important that we make decisions as a team."
I've gotten good at calmly replying, "You tell me I know my body best when it's convenient for you. We make decisions as a team only when you make a decision I agree with. Ultimately, I know and you know that you call the shots. It's unfortunate. When I look at my medical records I can clearly see that I do better and can stay out of the hospital longer when I've been able to stay in longer. I'm only being pushy because staying in a few days longer now, away from my daughter, means that I can stay at home with her for longer stretches of time."
They stare at me blankly, hoping that I'll stop talking soon. I go on anyway. Before they can nod and say, "Mmmm hmmmm. I understand."
"But it's okay I suppose. I mean, it's not actually okay but whatever. You call the shots. I will go home. Rather than continue this discussion I'd prefer to not waste any more of our time so you can get on with your rounds and I can get some rest.
"No hard feelings, even if it seems like it. I respect you and where you're coming from, but at the risk of sounding stubborn and bullheaded, we're at an impasse. I'm sorry."
It fucking sucks. I'm so tired of the game. Notes from the hospital attendings get sent to my therapist telling him that he needs to teach me tools to help me reign it in. It amuses both of us because my therapist gets tired of playing the games with other doctors, just as much as me if not more.
Our brains can run in circles around some of the attendings who have unfortunately become robotic with their care.
I'm getting better at playing the game. Manipulating the attendings into thinking they're swaying me. This hospital stay I was able to get two more days out of what was supposed to be a ten day stay. I was able to take advantage of having "too many cooks" and I my ten day stay turned into 12 because it is impossible to have them all in my room at the same time. Twelve days is till not the full course. My sinuses always lag behind my lungs in terms of responding to antibiotics. So I'm still getting sinus headaches and I have no real sense of smell which is such a disappointment.
Staying in-house for a couple of more days for my sinuses sounds like overkill. My doctors look at me with SUCH incredulity when I explain to them how limited my treatment options are for my sinuses. I explain to them that I understand where they are coming from, because I do. Hospitalizing someone for a sinus infection is ridiculous. But the doctors are myopic. They don't have the time or resources to be anything else.
I'm left sitting in the crosshairs of medical and insurance bureaucracy. But I do what I can to advocate and I'm getting better.
While it still sucks in so many ways, I can see my advocation skill set growing and getting stronger. That feels good. It feels very very good.