the course of things
I'm finally sitting at my computer during V's nap time. And she's actually napping.
Toddlers are hard work, yo! Like... it's quite intense. And lovely. And stressful. And the best. And the worst. But mostly the greatest.
Violet is growing up to be a very lovely and opinionated young lady. She has so much hair! All of the hair! It's really reactive to the humidity but never in a bad way. Some days she has perfect loose curls. Other days it's stick straight and a little more difficult to keep in braids and ponytails but show me a baby with messy hair and I will show you a baby who has had a good time. Messy hair is directly related to having fun.
Truth.
Anyway, I couldn't tell you whether or not I'm fulfilled. Sometimes my heart feels SO FULL and other times it's empty because I'll go for days completely lost in staying above water. Losing myself.
Some days I want more than anything to just disappear because my mental health problems take a front seat to parenting and that scares me. Between cystic fibrosis, bipolar disorder, and raising a kid, I essentially HAVE disappeared. But not in the way that I'd like. I want to be gone. I want my physical matter to just POOF. Be gone.
Yet here I am. And I'll continue to be here; mostly present but inching ever closer to death.
My health is declining. I still have so much but it's not enough. When I compare myself to other people with Cystic Fibrosis I do see how much vitality I still have but it's not enough to raise a toddler. It puts a lot of strain on ALL of my relationships and the exhaustion activates my mood disorder.
Recently I went a whole two weeks without suicidal ideations or urges to self harm and it was so beautiful. Then I woke up one sunday hurting all over and coughing and all I could think was, "What's the point? CF or Bipolar Disorder will win. And my quality of life is shit."
Because it is. And I honestly try REALLY HARD to stay above water and maintain some semblance of normalcy but it's exhausting. Up until a year ago I couldn't conceive of bipolar disorder winning but that's definitely changed.
I'm so thankful for all of the love and support I continue to receive and I hope to never lose it. I don't want to be that person that pushes everyone away. Some days of course I feel I don't deserve it. At all, and the proper course of action is to run away from everyone as fast as possible. I'm a shit and I feel like shit and I treat people like shit but it's unconditional love that keeps me going.
I find myself pondering what I've done in my life to be on the receiving end of so much support. I think it's because I'm nice and trusting; my heart is disorganized but large. Maybe that's it.
Whatever it is, I'm grateful.
Toddlers are hard work, yo! Like... it's quite intense. And lovely. And stressful. And the best. And the worst. But mostly the greatest.
Violet is growing up to be a very lovely and opinionated young lady. She has so much hair! All of the hair! It's really reactive to the humidity but never in a bad way. Some days she has perfect loose curls. Other days it's stick straight and a little more difficult to keep in braids and ponytails but show me a baby with messy hair and I will show you a baby who has had a good time. Messy hair is directly related to having fun.
Truth.
Anyway, I couldn't tell you whether or not I'm fulfilled. Sometimes my heart feels SO FULL and other times it's empty because I'll go for days completely lost in staying above water. Losing myself.
Some days I want more than anything to just disappear because my mental health problems take a front seat to parenting and that scares me. Between cystic fibrosis, bipolar disorder, and raising a kid, I essentially HAVE disappeared. But not in the way that I'd like. I want to be gone. I want my physical matter to just POOF. Be gone.
Yet here I am. And I'll continue to be here; mostly present but inching ever closer to death.
My health is declining. I still have so much but it's not enough. When I compare myself to other people with Cystic Fibrosis I do see how much vitality I still have but it's not enough to raise a toddler. It puts a lot of strain on ALL of my relationships and the exhaustion activates my mood disorder.
Recently I went a whole two weeks without suicidal ideations or urges to self harm and it was so beautiful. Then I woke up one sunday hurting all over and coughing and all I could think was, "What's the point? CF or Bipolar Disorder will win. And my quality of life is shit."
Because it is. And I honestly try REALLY HARD to stay above water and maintain some semblance of normalcy but it's exhausting. Up until a year ago I couldn't conceive of bipolar disorder winning but that's definitely changed.
I'm so thankful for all of the love and support I continue to receive and I hope to never lose it. I don't want to be that person that pushes everyone away. Some days of course I feel I don't deserve it. At all, and the proper course of action is to run away from everyone as fast as possible. I'm a shit and I feel like shit and I treat people like shit but it's unconditional love that keeps me going.
I find myself pondering what I've done in my life to be on the receiving end of so much support. I think it's because I'm nice and trusting; my heart is disorganized but large. Maybe that's it.
Whatever it is, I'm grateful.