conversations with my therapist
I've been out of the hospital going on four weeks now and I'm ever so slowly figuring out why things became so crazy.
The crux seems to be that I'm an introvert but I do like talking to people. And over the course of two weeks I talk to A LOT of people. The socializing is by far positive but as I said, I'm an introvert, and the socializing slowly morphs into something less positive.
All of the interaction produces anxiety after a while which in turn actually elicits manic episodes for me. Nothing too crazy, but crazy enough.
Hindsight is 20/20. I am bipolar and all I can do is the best I can. Perfection doesn't exist and I need to be okay with the fact I will be manic sometimes no matter how proactive I am regarding my psychological health.
The goal for now is to pay attention to what activites make me feel recharged; not necessarily activities that just make me happy. Because there are plenty of things I can do that make me happy though many things that make me happy are also exhausting and exhaustion can make my brain get a little cray cray. Especially in the hospital.
Hospitals in general feel bipolar. As you walk through the halls you are surrounded by extremes of emotion. I try to make my own hospital room an oasis in the midst of the crazy but there is only so much I can do when there are dozens of people stopping by unannounced throughout the day.
So... I don't know. I rarely need to be hospitalized this time of year which means I have a couple of months to think of ways I can avoid being an emotional sponge while I'm admitted.
In other news, things are good. My diabetes has gotten a lot worse in the last couple of weeks so I'm recalibrating my diet and basal and bolus insulin regimen. And I've gained about 10 lbs since January which has been good for my lungs. Four of the pounds were gained in the last week and a half, since I started changing up the insulin stuff. So I suppose I needed it.
GODDAM YOU, VANITY. GIVE MY SELF-LOATHING A BREAK FOR ONCE.
Gaining weight is okay. Gaining weight is okay. Gaining weight is okay.
(Sometimes more than okay.)
The crux seems to be that I'm an introvert but I do like talking to people. And over the course of two weeks I talk to A LOT of people. The socializing is by far positive but as I said, I'm an introvert, and the socializing slowly morphs into something less positive.
All of the interaction produces anxiety after a while which in turn actually elicits manic episodes for me. Nothing too crazy, but crazy enough.
Hindsight is 20/20. I am bipolar and all I can do is the best I can. Perfection doesn't exist and I need to be okay with the fact I will be manic sometimes no matter how proactive I am regarding my psychological health.
The goal for now is to pay attention to what activites make me feel recharged; not necessarily activities that just make me happy. Because there are plenty of things I can do that make me happy though many things that make me happy are also exhausting and exhaustion can make my brain get a little cray cray. Especially in the hospital.
Hospitals in general feel bipolar. As you walk through the halls you are surrounded by extremes of emotion. I try to make my own hospital room an oasis in the midst of the crazy but there is only so much I can do when there are dozens of people stopping by unannounced throughout the day.
So... I don't know. I rarely need to be hospitalized this time of year which means I have a couple of months to think of ways I can avoid being an emotional sponge while I'm admitted.
In other news, things are good. My diabetes has gotten a lot worse in the last couple of weeks so I'm recalibrating my diet and basal and bolus insulin regimen. And I've gained about 10 lbs since January which has been good for my lungs. Four of the pounds were gained in the last week and a half, since I started changing up the insulin stuff. So I suppose I needed it.
GODDAM YOU, VANITY. GIVE MY SELF-LOATHING A BREAK FOR ONCE.
Gaining weight is okay. Gaining weight is okay. Gaining weight is okay.
(Sometimes more than okay.)