(no subject)
Thank you everyone for your support over the years and especially over the last week.
I met Shannon through LiveJournal's Cystic Fibrosis community many many years ago. Nearly all of the CF friends I made in the community 10 years ago are gone.
Life is surreal. These are strange times.
I've been experiencing some survivor's guilt.
Tuesday night I laid on my bed in my day clothes with a fever for a few hours. Not awake and not asleep. I was cold. Shivering. But some voice hanging out in my feverish stupor wouldn't let me change into my pj's and get under the covers.
I HAD TO make myself experience discomfort. I'm alive and Shannon isn't. I'll more than likely never know what she experienced and how she felt. I'll never talk to her again.
Yet for a few hours I felt that if I could experience discomfort I'd better understand her in life and death. And she'd know. She would know how much I love her even in death.
I want to believe she somehow knows.
My heart is still feeling very raw. I didn't say goodbye. My love and sadness feel like the blood of a hemophiliac. I've been cut and I'm at a loss as to how this will all coagulate and how I will properly heal from this.
I met Shannon through LiveJournal's Cystic Fibrosis community many many years ago. Nearly all of the CF friends I made in the community 10 years ago are gone.
Life is surreal. These are strange times.
I've been experiencing some survivor's guilt.
Tuesday night I laid on my bed in my day clothes with a fever for a few hours. Not awake and not asleep. I was cold. Shivering. But some voice hanging out in my feverish stupor wouldn't let me change into my pj's and get under the covers.
I HAD TO make myself experience discomfort. I'm alive and Shannon isn't. I'll more than likely never know what she experienced and how she felt. I'll never talk to her again.
Yet for a few hours I felt that if I could experience discomfort I'd better understand her in life and death. And she'd know. She would know how much I love her even in death.
I want to believe she somehow knows.
My heart is still feeling very raw. I didn't say goodbye. My love and sadness feel like the blood of a hemophiliac. I've been cut and I'm at a loss as to how this will all coagulate and how I will properly heal from this.