Work - Again, Dammit!
The parking situation is a real issue for me. I know I need to ask them to enforce it but part of me is resentful that I even need to do that. I am fuming right now because one of these knucklehead bastards took my parking space and wouldn't move. Not only that, the inconsiderate bastard took up two pkg spaces. I could have asked him to move up so I could get in but I was so damn angry that I just illegally parked, knowing damn well that no sooner than I do it, that I'll have to move my car. And sure enough that's just what happened. I let myself get so damn angry that I know my blood pressure is up because I feel extremely lightheaded and I want to cry with the frustration of it.
Tonia tells me I shouldn't ask them to consider my needs because I feel I deserve special treatment. She comes up with some cockamamie bullshit of offering to park illegally as long as the company is willing to pay for the towing fees. That's not a realistic solution for me because I'm the one who is inconvenienced by having to go get my car out of storage, paying upfront for the costs and then fighting TFC to reimburse me. So how is that suppose to impower me? Sorry Tonia, but for once, that's not a viable choice for me. And it hurts that she doesn't support me on it. I understand why she's saying it's not about how I feel because its not the responsibility of the people I work for and with to take care of my feelings. It doesn't matter that I continuously feel violated, vulnerable, taken advantage of, and outraged. And I feel that none of them give a damn about me when it comes to getting my needs met. Yes, I know I'm not supposed to look to them for my well-being; and throwing temper tantrums or doing something outrageous will not help the situation either.
Eventually I'll gather the courage to talk to them about it. Maybe if I can say it without the anger. Something like, okay, guys, I know this is no big thing for you because it seems to me that you have the privilege of parking anywhere you want to; however its a very big deal to me when I pull into the jobsite and there's nowhere for me to park. I refuse to park around the corner when it is not necessary. If the parking ban was enforced then it wouldn't be a problem. I would like for that to start happening and I don't think it's asking too much. I understand that you all have bigger problems like getting these lazy foremen to do their fucking jobs correctly, but sometimes you've got to deal with the little shit too. And right now it's a serious concern for me. So I'm asking for your support in this. And that is to make sure I have a parking space somewhere near this trailer. I don't ask for much; hell as far as I'm concerned I don't ask for anything. However, this time I'm asking for this.
It doesn't matter whether they'll act on it. What's important for me at this stage in my life is that I simply make the request. At least they will know how important it is to me.
But it needs to be said that I am angry enough about it to either turn around and go back home or somewhere until I calm down, or quit. And I am so on the verge of doing just that.
Follow-Up
Well, personally, I'm tired of all this anger, rage and frustration. I realized that I was feeling victimized and full of self-pity. I felt sorry for myself and wanted others to feel the same. I threw a temper tantrum and it wasn't necessary or effective and all it did was make me physically ill (headache, upset stomach).
What I keep wanting from these guys is for them to anticipate my needs and then immediately meet them without being told or asked. That's unrealistic and I plan to change in that regard. I really do want to start asking for what I want and letting people know directly how I feel.
See, I don't want to be perceived as a bitch on this job because I'm the only woman and you know how asshole men like to make derogatory statements about being female. Well, you know, I'm getting to a point where I no longer care what they think of me.
My feeling a need to do acts of kindness are getting me nowhere fast. Expecting respect from those incapable of giving it is a fruitless and ludicrous task. I can accept that today.
God... grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference... amen
Tonia tells me I shouldn't ask them to consider my needs because I feel I deserve special treatment. She comes up with some cockamamie bullshit of offering to park illegally as long as the company is willing to pay for the towing fees. That's not a realistic solution for me because I'm the one who is inconvenienced by having to go get my car out of storage, paying upfront for the costs and then fighting TFC to reimburse me. So how is that suppose to impower me? Sorry Tonia, but for once, that's not a viable choice for me. And it hurts that she doesn't support me on it. I understand why she's saying it's not about how I feel because its not the responsibility of the people I work for and with to take care of my feelings. It doesn't matter that I continuously feel violated, vulnerable, taken advantage of, and outraged. And I feel that none of them give a damn about me when it comes to getting my needs met. Yes, I know I'm not supposed to look to them for my well-being; and throwing temper tantrums or doing something outrageous will not help the situation either.
Eventually I'll gather the courage to talk to them about it. Maybe if I can say it without the anger. Something like, okay, guys, I know this is no big thing for you because it seems to me that you have the privilege of parking anywhere you want to; however its a very big deal to me when I pull into the jobsite and there's nowhere for me to park. I refuse to park around the corner when it is not necessary. If the parking ban was enforced then it wouldn't be a problem. I would like for that to start happening and I don't think it's asking too much. I understand that you all have bigger problems like getting these lazy foremen to do their fucking jobs correctly, but sometimes you've got to deal with the little shit too. And right now it's a serious concern for me. So I'm asking for your support in this. And that is to make sure I have a parking space somewhere near this trailer. I don't ask for much; hell as far as I'm concerned I don't ask for anything. However, this time I'm asking for this.
It doesn't matter whether they'll act on it. What's important for me at this stage in my life is that I simply make the request. At least they will know how important it is to me.
But it needs to be said that I am angry enough about it to either turn around and go back home or somewhere until I calm down, or quit. And I am so on the verge of doing just that.
Follow-Up
Well, personally, I'm tired of all this anger, rage and frustration. I realized that I was feeling victimized and full of self-pity. I felt sorry for myself and wanted others to feel the same. I threw a temper tantrum and it wasn't necessary or effective and all it did was make me physically ill (headache, upset stomach).
What I keep wanting from these guys is for them to anticipate my needs and then immediately meet them without being told or asked. That's unrealistic and I plan to change in that regard. I really do want to start asking for what I want and letting people know directly how I feel.
See, I don't want to be perceived as a bitch on this job because I'm the only woman and you know how asshole men like to make derogatory statements about being female. Well, you know, I'm getting to a point where I no longer care what they think of me.
My feeling a need to do acts of kindness are getting me nowhere fast. Expecting respect from those incapable of giving it is a fruitless and ludicrous task. I can accept that today.
God... grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference... amen