(no subject)
yes yes. this member of the effexor club wants more. if i keep on l ike this for more than the next week or so, i am Doing Something About It.
i am really sick of these lousy mood swings.
i just spend the last six dollars in my wallet on beer. i feel perversely proud of that fact. agr. i am sick of feeling like this again.
sick of all day in bed, all day staring at the wall, all day wandering in my head, rethinking rethinking stupid stupids. little brain cave in's, need company, need distractions.
i think i hate emily so much because she makes me feel so small. she comes across as so cool and cold and ... i don't know, detached. she's there, all sophisticated. and i? there is nothing close to those things in me. i rant at people if they make racist comments, i rant at people about sweatshops, i don't just sit around looking indifferent and cool. i am meek, and sexually inexperienced, and i feel constantly self concious about that fact. and, at the same time, bluntly me-ish about it. i mean, my tally is as follows. i have.- kissed 4 males. one of which, a near stranger who developed a sudden fixation on me in year 12. i met him at the minister's awards, and he used an appaling pick up line on me. he kissed me the next time i saw him, and i was sort of, well, very grossed out. it was wet, slobbery, gooby. and he was very funny looking, and he decided he was in love with me later in the day. i think i saw him once or twice after that. eep. next person i kissed was max. the hatted one. we didnt meet until the day before new year's the year i graduated. we kissed at the end of Emilie - you know, that movie with the french music. it was not as wet and sloppy and gooby. although i was confused and frightened and didn;t understand what i was getting into. it was ok though. i was just. young. next person i kissed was eden, the guy from grammer, who i met at lauren's party in first year. he had a big chin, and blonde hair. lots of it. he looks like an aryan boy. i was very drunk, and had broken off with max the day before. i'd spend a few hours at the party on the phone to max, trying to convince him not to kill himself. i was drunk, it was the first time i ever got drunk. i was staring at the pool, arguing for him not to jump into the brisbane river, not to do this to me. the phone cut out. i gave up. eden listened to me ramble on for about 4 hours straight, about every uninteresting aspect of my life. he held my hands because it was cold, and hugged me because i was sad. then, in the middle of the night, we somehow ended up kissing, his hand somewhere a little further south than i anticipated. i was so drunk. that was pretty much the end of that one.
i ended up back with max. after a few weeks. as fuck friends. the first time we kissed after we made the decision was at his place. i was sitting on a chair, looking at a book, or something. can't remember. he unbuttoned my jeans. and then, we kissed.
the next, was my noogy. at my house. after new york. we were at my house. the plan was to drive up mt cootha, but it was so windy, we thought otherwise. we went to a resturant at bulimba, and then, went back to my house. i piled us both up with scotch, and we watched movies. mainly cure filmclips and smiths. he had to go outside later in the evening, because he thought he was going to hurl, and needed some fresh air. he danced around, spinning over the grass, and ran into the back steps, backwards. i pulled him forward, we spun around, and, my hands still on my arms, we kissed. we looked at each other with such relief. it had been comming... and not comming for a long time. this also fell into the good happy category.
i have only had sex with two of these people. it is fairly clear that it is the two i actually had relationships with, and the two i spend more than a few hours with.
for some irrational reason, this makes me feel incredibly insecure. i feel so feeble and small, so limp. and this is very irrational. i guess it is due to my complete ... what is the phrase/.... also insecurity that i am unattractive, that i'm some ugly, pimply poison, some skinny, figureless weed no one would find attractive. unlike some other people. i don't pick up randomly, i don't date sporadically, and even if i was single, i cannot imagine being able to pick up males or females for casual sex. this makes me feel very impotent, very unattractive, very limp and powerless.
maybe this is what is depressing me. maybe i just feel ugly again. or something. or empty. or needlessly lonely. i want an us. i don;t know. that is not an answer to happyness and i know that.
i want waking up in the morning, breakfast together. not home to empty house, joint decoration, together choosing, mutual whitegoods. does this make me lame? i feel very lonelyright now.
i am, however, enjoying my beer. i want mutual plans. i want an 'our' house. blerg. i don;t know what my problem is. i just. feel lonely.
i miss my little chicken very very much.
i shouldnt winge. wishbear is very good. and unwingey. but i miss her heaps. i miss girly icecream and late night movies and playing with girlyhair and bra advice and hanging around talking, 'girling' and talking and... my little chicken. i miss her heaps. sadfaceness.
maybe that is it. i got a postcard, and it made me miss her more. i am having a beer for you, n. a coopers, in the alibi room, at 10pm on a wednesday night, alone, and sort of cold. my fingers especially, due to the whole typing thing.
sadface.
i am really sick of these lousy mood swings.
i just spend the last six dollars in my wallet on beer. i feel perversely proud of that fact. agr. i am sick of feeling like this again.
sick of all day in bed, all day staring at the wall, all day wandering in my head, rethinking rethinking stupid stupids. little brain cave in's, need company, need distractions.
i think i hate emily so much because she makes me feel so small. she comes across as so cool and cold and ... i don't know, detached. she's there, all sophisticated. and i? there is nothing close to those things in me. i rant at people if they make racist comments, i rant at people about sweatshops, i don't just sit around looking indifferent and cool. i am meek, and sexually inexperienced, and i feel constantly self concious about that fact. and, at the same time, bluntly me-ish about it. i mean, my tally is as follows. i have.- kissed 4 males. one of which, a near stranger who developed a sudden fixation on me in year 12. i met him at the minister's awards, and he used an appaling pick up line on me. he kissed me the next time i saw him, and i was sort of, well, very grossed out. it was wet, slobbery, gooby. and he was very funny looking, and he decided he was in love with me later in the day. i think i saw him once or twice after that. eep. next person i kissed was max. the hatted one. we didnt meet until the day before new year's the year i graduated. we kissed at the end of Emilie - you know, that movie with the french music. it was not as wet and sloppy and gooby. although i was confused and frightened and didn;t understand what i was getting into. it was ok though. i was just. young. next person i kissed was eden, the guy from grammer, who i met at lauren's party in first year. he had a big chin, and blonde hair. lots of it. he looks like an aryan boy. i was very drunk, and had broken off with max the day before. i'd spend a few hours at the party on the phone to max, trying to convince him not to kill himself. i was drunk, it was the first time i ever got drunk. i was staring at the pool, arguing for him not to jump into the brisbane river, not to do this to me. the phone cut out. i gave up. eden listened to me ramble on for about 4 hours straight, about every uninteresting aspect of my life. he held my hands because it was cold, and hugged me because i was sad. then, in the middle of the night, we somehow ended up kissing, his hand somewhere a little further south than i anticipated. i was so drunk. that was pretty much the end of that one.
i ended up back with max. after a few weeks. as fuck friends. the first time we kissed after we made the decision was at his place. i was sitting on a chair, looking at a book, or something. can't remember. he unbuttoned my jeans. and then, we kissed.
the next, was my noogy. at my house. after new york. we were at my house. the plan was to drive up mt cootha, but it was so windy, we thought otherwise. we went to a resturant at bulimba, and then, went back to my house. i piled us both up with scotch, and we watched movies. mainly cure filmclips and smiths. he had to go outside later in the evening, because he thought he was going to hurl, and needed some fresh air. he danced around, spinning over the grass, and ran into the back steps, backwards. i pulled him forward, we spun around, and, my hands still on my arms, we kissed. we looked at each other with such relief. it had been comming... and not comming for a long time. this also fell into the good happy category.
i have only had sex with two of these people. it is fairly clear that it is the two i actually had relationships with, and the two i spend more than a few hours with.
for some irrational reason, this makes me feel incredibly insecure. i feel so feeble and small, so limp. and this is very irrational. i guess it is due to my complete ... what is the phrase/.... also insecurity that i am unattractive, that i'm some ugly, pimply poison, some skinny, figureless weed no one would find attractive. unlike some other people. i don't pick up randomly, i don't date sporadically, and even if i was single, i cannot imagine being able to pick up males or females for casual sex. this makes me feel very impotent, very unattractive, very limp and powerless.
maybe this is what is depressing me. maybe i just feel ugly again. or something. or empty. or needlessly lonely. i want an us. i don;t know. that is not an answer to happyness and i know that.
i want waking up in the morning, breakfast together. not home to empty house, joint decoration, together choosing, mutual whitegoods. does this make me lame? i feel very lonelyright now.
i am, however, enjoying my beer. i want mutual plans. i want an 'our' house. blerg. i don;t know what my problem is. i just. feel lonely.
i miss my little chicken very very much.
i shouldnt winge. wishbear is very good. and unwingey. but i miss her heaps. i miss girly icecream and late night movies and playing with girlyhair and bra advice and hanging around talking, 'girling' and talking and... my little chicken. i miss her heaps. sadfaceness.
maybe that is it. i got a postcard, and it made me miss her more. i am having a beer for you, n. a coopers, in the alibi room, at 10pm on a wednesday night, alone, and sort of cold. my fingers especially, due to the whole typing thing.
sadface.