(no subject)
im so tired of everything. i miss Nora. i miss Tiff.
C & i broke up. she said she'd be around, but i was just always too negative. maybe i am. maybe it's just because ive actually experienced loss, and she's lost nothing. she said she was in love with me, but i don't really think so at all. i mean, she left to go to spain, she always drank with me, i think it was the idea. and that's okay too. i'm just tired of getting left behind all the time. there's like too many feelings to write, but i can't wait to leave after this year, just go and drive. maybe i'll pay someone like Lisa to watch my collection. either way it doesn't matter to me. i think i've come to terms that loneliness and loss aren't such bad things. it keeps you moving. it hurts like fuck, but what doesn't i guess. C should just stick to being with cis guys anyway, like the imaginary "prince" kind that comes on a horse. that way there will never be any kind of "baggage". in all honesty, i feel retarded for expecting to be able to talk to her about losing Nora. or anyone. she has no idea, nor should she really, but still. and my grandma. i don't want C's grandma or her family, although her kind offer, i want MINE. i hate that she made me be with her even though she was just going to walk away. like i just had to wait while she was away in spain? why? i'm tired of waiting and im tired of people always just taking their selfish liberties with me. Nora, Tiffany, Erica, now Cecila. just fuck everything. i don't care, i don't need her, nor have i needed anyone before really.
we're on such different levels i was stupid to think she could know. em and i had a great talk on friday, and i realized a lot. what lies in friendship is better and has been better than any relationship ive had. c has never experienced anything similar to what i have been through, and it doesnt even make sense to expect her to. her time will come, and in all honesty, i hope it doesn't any time soon because things ive had to see suck. i also think i feel more comfortable with straight girls, but at the same time, it shouldnt be a requirement, just that they respect my identity - it was just weird to hook up with a queer/bi girl and i kind of felt weird after.
i'm so excited to leave - i just need to do well on my chem final and get at least a C. i'll turn it all around. ill reconcile things and move past every injury ive suffered in the past two and a half years. honestly i think things for her would be better if she just stayed in her sphere of naive heteronormativity. why see the marginalized groups struggle when you dont have to?
C & i broke up. she said she'd be around, but i was just always too negative. maybe i am. maybe it's just because ive actually experienced loss, and she's lost nothing. she said she was in love with me, but i don't really think so at all. i mean, she left to go to spain, she always drank with me, i think it was the idea. and that's okay too. i'm just tired of getting left behind all the time. there's like too many feelings to write, but i can't wait to leave after this year, just go and drive. maybe i'll pay someone like Lisa to watch my collection. either way it doesn't matter to me. i think i've come to terms that loneliness and loss aren't such bad things. it keeps you moving. it hurts like fuck, but what doesn't i guess. C should just stick to being with cis guys anyway, like the imaginary "prince" kind that comes on a horse. that way there will never be any kind of "baggage". in all honesty, i feel retarded for expecting to be able to talk to her about losing Nora. or anyone. she has no idea, nor should she really, but still. and my grandma. i don't want C's grandma or her family, although her kind offer, i want MINE. i hate that she made me be with her even though she was just going to walk away. like i just had to wait while she was away in spain? why? i'm tired of waiting and im tired of people always just taking their selfish liberties with me. Nora, Tiffany, Erica, now Cecila. just fuck everything. i don't care, i don't need her, nor have i needed anyone before really.
we're on such different levels i was stupid to think she could know. em and i had a great talk on friday, and i realized a lot. what lies in friendship is better and has been better than any relationship ive had. c has never experienced anything similar to what i have been through, and it doesnt even make sense to expect her to. her time will come, and in all honesty, i hope it doesn't any time soon because things ive had to see suck. i also think i feel more comfortable with straight girls, but at the same time, it shouldnt be a requirement, just that they respect my identity - it was just weird to hook up with a queer/bi girl and i kind of felt weird after.
i'm so excited to leave - i just need to do well on my chem final and get at least a C. i'll turn it all around. ill reconcile things and move past every injury ive suffered in the past two and a half years. honestly i think things for her would be better if she just stayed in her sphere of naive heteronormativity. why see the marginalized groups struggle when you dont have to?