(no subject)
Last night was amazing. Super sex, super feeling, so I'm super nice-feeling today. Haha, i don't know if that makes any sense. Anyway. I'm just happy.
I have to work tonight, but I don't care. Actually, I'm happy to. I STARTED DRAWING AGAIN!!! Like the first time since April. I need to work on figure sketching. It's incredible how much I've changed, I went from drawing animals and nature and only that to now focusing on the human. I'm finally just so happy in my own body. Granted - sometimes, like today, I do wish I had fur.
I love Christmas time. It's so interesting how my view on it has changed too. Last year it was all snowy, being inside was awesome, with a hot drink. Now I want Christmas sex (haha, typical, yes?) and to go romp around in the snow with a draft horse and cut firewood and fight wolves. It doesn't feel like winter. I mean, it's cold, but it's bright today, sunny. Maybe if it snowed. But I don't want to stay inside, I don't feel the comfort as much as in the past. My face is furry, and I love the feeling of fingers so cold they begin to get hot again, cold thighs.
There are some sad things that I'm having trouble thinking through. I'm doing some bio - endocrinology - research here. And we have to sacrifice sparrows in order to look at the receptors. I had to collect blood samples yesterday. I just feel so sad, even though I know they're invasive and everything. I mean... they look at you. They blink. I don't know how to deal with it, I know it's ok, but it's managing that feeling and being able to unpack it. I don't know how.
On top of that, I have a gecko with metabolic bone disease. Mainly, he has osteoporosis. Really bad. He looks like jello, but is the happiest, shakiest little guy. And I know he'd be in a lot less pain if I killed him, but I don't have the heart to do it. On top of that, the first born gecko that I hatched out has MBD too. I'm watching him get worse and worse, though his other two sibs are doing ok so far. I don't know if I should kill him now, or watch him turn into the old guy. I don't want him to be in as much physical pain as it looks like :(
Also, I killed a snapping turtle back in August, over this summer or something. My dad and I had gotten him a year before that, found him crossing a road, and brought him to a pond. There were no other snappers there, but lots of sunfish for him to eat. I saw him on a road not too far away, he had gotten hit by a car. Death isn't something clean nor painless ever. He was still alive, despite the gore. And It was my fault. I should have walked further away from roads, or put him someplace where there were other turtles. Something. So I had to finish it. And I couldn't deal with it then. I felt like Erica didn't know what I was feeling. Maybe that was my fault for saying I was fine, or not telling her. I got mad, and kicked the garage door. Punched stuff.
Teak died a few weeks ago. I knew she was sick. She was the most beautiful turtle I've ever seen. She was so sick when my dad found her.
Sometimes I really want to cry, because I know it would, used to help. But I can't, and it doesn't help any more. I don't know how to deal with the guilt-feeling, the ouch-in my chest feeling. I don't know what it's called, and I don't know what to do that makes it better. I just get frustrated and break stuff. I've been talking to a woman about it.
I'll stop for now, I'm gonna finish my coffee, clean up this sketch, then run out to ship a present out for someone. Hopefully she'll like it. It's for a secret Santa we did on a reptile forum. It's a little late, but hopefully she will get it in time. It's some wood for her geckos, and I think I'm gonna get her a movie she likes. Or a poster of some Twilight thing haha.
I have to work tonight, but I don't care. Actually, I'm happy to. I STARTED DRAWING AGAIN!!! Like the first time since April. I need to work on figure sketching. It's incredible how much I've changed, I went from drawing animals and nature and only that to now focusing on the human. I'm finally just so happy in my own body. Granted - sometimes, like today, I do wish I had fur.
I love Christmas time. It's so interesting how my view on it has changed too. Last year it was all snowy, being inside was awesome, with a hot drink. Now I want Christmas sex (haha, typical, yes?) and to go romp around in the snow with a draft horse and cut firewood and fight wolves. It doesn't feel like winter. I mean, it's cold, but it's bright today, sunny. Maybe if it snowed. But I don't want to stay inside, I don't feel the comfort as much as in the past. My face is furry, and I love the feeling of fingers so cold they begin to get hot again, cold thighs.
There are some sad things that I'm having trouble thinking through. I'm doing some bio - endocrinology - research here. And we have to sacrifice sparrows in order to look at the receptors. I had to collect blood samples yesterday. I just feel so sad, even though I know they're invasive and everything. I mean... they look at you. They blink. I don't know how to deal with it, I know it's ok, but it's managing that feeling and being able to unpack it. I don't know how.
On top of that, I have a gecko with metabolic bone disease. Mainly, he has osteoporosis. Really bad. He looks like jello, but is the happiest, shakiest little guy. And I know he'd be in a lot less pain if I killed him, but I don't have the heart to do it. On top of that, the first born gecko that I hatched out has MBD too. I'm watching him get worse and worse, though his other two sibs are doing ok so far. I don't know if I should kill him now, or watch him turn into the old guy. I don't want him to be in as much physical pain as it looks like :(
Also, I killed a snapping turtle back in August, over this summer or something. My dad and I had gotten him a year before that, found him crossing a road, and brought him to a pond. There were no other snappers there, but lots of sunfish for him to eat. I saw him on a road not too far away, he had gotten hit by a car. Death isn't something clean nor painless ever. He was still alive, despite the gore. And It was my fault. I should have walked further away from roads, or put him someplace where there were other turtles. Something. So I had to finish it. And I couldn't deal with it then. I felt like Erica didn't know what I was feeling. Maybe that was my fault for saying I was fine, or not telling her. I got mad, and kicked the garage door. Punched stuff.
Teak died a few weeks ago. I knew she was sick. She was the most beautiful turtle I've ever seen. She was so sick when my dad found her.
Sometimes I really want to cry, because I know it would, used to help. But I can't, and it doesn't help any more. I don't know how to deal with the guilt-feeling, the ouch-in my chest feeling. I don't know what it's called, and I don't know what to do that makes it better. I just get frustrated and break stuff. I've been talking to a woman about it.
I'll stop for now, I'm gonna finish my coffee, clean up this sketch, then run out to ship a present out for someone. Hopefully she'll like it. It's for a secret Santa we did on a reptile forum. It's a little late, but hopefully she will get it in time. It's some wood for her geckos, and I think I'm gonna get her a movie she likes. Or a poster of some Twilight thing haha.