(no subject)
I never feel like enough sometimes. I just want to be happy. Have friends. Get the college experience while I can.
My heart is hurting a lot tonight. When I see her, it brings up such past. Then I look at myself now, and wonder where the hell that person went. I was a better person. Chivalrous, courteous, kind. Now...
I always knew I'd need to find myself again, after H.B. I think I really changed. Got jaded. Felt anger. And this one used to be the sweetest girl I know. Now I'm watching her change. I've completely done so much damage, and for some reason it seems like I can't stop. Maybe before me was happiness. And this hurts so much right now, but tomorrow... I have to. I can't keep hurting her like this. I need to find myself again, and learn appreciation. I don't know who I am, where I am, what I know. Talking to H.N. just seems to bring up aching memories of my better self. I know she can be a good friend, and she always has been. Maybe I just don't know how to talk about anything anymore.
I blinked, and all of a sudden everything changed. S.I., my older sister had feelings for me. E.S. became jaded from all the knives I'd cut her with. H.N. and I could have a conversation. T.W. has a boyfriend, or something. E.K. is the college-going girl who's enjoying herself. And now it seems that only me and Maria are the ones left back. Her once lively basement is quiet, and I live alone. I don't know what or how I feel, ever. I don't know where I'm going. But, living alone...
That's the worst part. Coming to college, I wasn't homesick. Having someone who loved me made it home. But now, after all of it, I've ruined it time and again. I know she'll say that "we can fix it", but honestly, I've always known that I need to move out of what's home. Be homesick. Hurt, think, and choose.
This may be long, and I'm sorry.
I remember last Christmas, you came to visit me in the hospital. You loved me then, and after, and before. Honestly, I can't say that I knew what I was getting myself into. I'm sorry for not feeling as though I had been ready to meet you.
Watching you get angry now, I'm becoming that insecure person again. It hurts too much to be, and since that change in April, I've always been one to avoid any unsettling emotion. You've done so much for me, I can't even begin to thank you. Rescued me, nurtured me, saved me. And I can't even begin to apologize for the lack of substance I've given back.
In the fall, you'd talk about N. a lot. Everything is cyclic, right?
As it comes down to it, I need to go. There's an inner battle with myself, and I know half of me is going to die. But I know it's the best. I know that way, it will only be one more thing you hurt for. And only one more thing I can fuck up. Maybe life will be safer once I'm with my family and out of my single, lonely room.
There is so much more to say, and I'm afraid that I don't even know how to say it. I'm so sorry that I've changed you. Please stay the innocent, loving person you've always been. Don't turn into what I have.
My heart is hurting a lot tonight. When I see her, it brings up such past. Then I look at myself now, and wonder where the hell that person went. I was a better person. Chivalrous, courteous, kind. Now...
I always knew I'd need to find myself again, after H.B. I think I really changed. Got jaded. Felt anger. And this one used to be the sweetest girl I know. Now I'm watching her change. I've completely done so much damage, and for some reason it seems like I can't stop. Maybe before me was happiness. And this hurts so much right now, but tomorrow... I have to. I can't keep hurting her like this. I need to find myself again, and learn appreciation. I don't know who I am, where I am, what I know. Talking to H.N. just seems to bring up aching memories of my better self. I know she can be a good friend, and she always has been. Maybe I just don't know how to talk about anything anymore.
I blinked, and all of a sudden everything changed. S.I., my older sister had feelings for me. E.S. became jaded from all the knives I'd cut her with. H.N. and I could have a conversation. T.W. has a boyfriend, or something. E.K. is the college-going girl who's enjoying herself. And now it seems that only me and Maria are the ones left back. Her once lively basement is quiet, and I live alone. I don't know what or how I feel, ever. I don't know where I'm going. But, living alone...
That's the worst part. Coming to college, I wasn't homesick. Having someone who loved me made it home. But now, after all of it, I've ruined it time and again. I know she'll say that "we can fix it", but honestly, I've always known that I need to move out of what's home. Be homesick. Hurt, think, and choose.
This may be long, and I'm sorry.
I remember last Christmas, you came to visit me in the hospital. You loved me then, and after, and before. Honestly, I can't say that I knew what I was getting myself into. I'm sorry for not feeling as though I had been ready to meet you.
Watching you get angry now, I'm becoming that insecure person again. It hurts too much to be, and since that change in April, I've always been one to avoid any unsettling emotion. You've done so much for me, I can't even begin to thank you. Rescued me, nurtured me, saved me. And I can't even begin to apologize for the lack of substance I've given back.
In the fall, you'd talk about N. a lot. Everything is cyclic, right?
As it comes down to it, I need to go. There's an inner battle with myself, and I know half of me is going to die. But I know it's the best. I know that way, it will only be one more thing you hurt for. And only one more thing I can fuck up. Maybe life will be safer once I'm with my family and out of my single, lonely room.
There is so much more to say, and I'm afraid that I don't even know how to say it. I'm so sorry that I've changed you. Please stay the innocent, loving person you've always been. Don't turn into what I have.