Freezer's 2018 #NFL Week in Review - Week 3
Welcome to the Week in Review, currently streaming on Dailymotion.
Jets 17, Browns 21
Here’s how bad things were/are for the Factory of Sadness: A Week 3 win over the not-that-good Jets (a team playing their third game in less than three weeks on the road) like they just made the playoffs. Yeah, it broke the longest winless streak this side of the original Buccaneers, but still.
And let’s all be real here: If Tyrod Taylor hadn’t forced the issue by getting his bell rung, Our Boy Hue sticks with Taylor in the second half. He was gonna ride with Tyrod ‘till the wheels fell off. The wheels just happened to fall off a few weeks early.
Sam Darnold’s big debut seems like a long time ago, doesn’t it?
Bills 27, Vikings 6
( looks at the score again )
(Checks NFLcom)
Seriously, what the screaming blue fuck, Vikings? REading over the box score, nothing about this game makes sense. Not “Beat them by 21” sense, at any rate. I mean; how can Kirk Cousins throw the ball 55 times, complete 40 and only get 296 yards? I mean if you’re down 27-0 at the half (enough to make you completely abandon the run), the kind of dink-and-dunk shit that generates those kind of number just ain’t gonna cut it.
Not to mention that they made Josh Allen look like the second coming of Jim Kelly. Or at least Doug Flutie.
Every aspect of the Vikings game was a fail. Offense? See above. Defense? Absolutely shredded by a Bills team starting a rookie QB and lacking their best offensive weapon in Shady McCoy. Special Teams? Ongoing fail and a major factor in how the Bills could score that many points on only 296 yards of offense.¹.
BTW: The 17-point spread makes this the biggest upset in the NFL since 1995.²
For comparison: The Vikings also had 296 total yards
Washington beat Dallas on Dec. 3, 1995, as a 17.5pt dog.
Giants 27, Texans 22
And Bill O’Brien takes the lead in the “Which Head Coach Gets Fired First” stakes.
You’d think having a healthy Deshaun Watson throwing for 385 and 2 TDs would help counter a Giants offense that had largely been “Get it to Saquan and hope he pops one.” And despite a JJ Watt sighting (he had his first sack since Sept. 2016) and Evan Engram being lost in the second quarter, Eli could pretty much do what he wanted on Sunday.
Lamar Miller and the Texans rush attack vanishing didn’t help.
Tick tock, Coach O’Brien.
Packers 17, Redhawks 31
Another day, another bullshit RTP call on Clay Matthews. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOPVaJKalF8
The 2012 Pro Bowl team that is the Washington offense was on the upswing on Sunday. Adrian Peterson continues to give Father Time the finger, with 120 yards and 2 TDs. Alex Smith continues doing Alex Smith things (12/20 for 220, 2 TDs, 1 INT).
Meanwhile, Hopalong Rodgers was hamstrung by both the rain and his receivers repeatedly putting passes on the ground. Losing prize free agent acquisition Muhammad Wilkerson to a broken ankle probably didn’t help.
Niners 27, Chiefs 38
I realize that part of the job of an NFL coach is to sometime lie through your teeth when everyone on the planet knows you’re lying.. But seriously, Junior Shanahanigans: Saying “Next Man Up” with CJ Beathard, when the reason you guys went out and got Jimmy G-esus in the first place was Beathard’s utter failure last season?
C’mon, bruh!
Sure, he can’t really say the truth (“We’re Fucked.”), but surely he could’ve come up with something less uncut Coachspeak-y, right?
Meanwhile, Patrick Mahomes keeps putting up Madden numbers, adding another three TDs to his record-setting total (13 and counting).
Raiders 20, Dolphins 28
When a team is talking about cleaning house in Week friggin’ Three, things are in freefall far faster than even the most enthusiastic Raider Hater could’ve anticipated.
And it couldn’t have happened to a better utterly overrated all-around fuckstain.
In People-I-Actually-Feel-Sorry-For News: Miami lost DE William Hays for the season, when he tore his ACL trying to avoid getting flagged for that stupid bodyweight roughing penalty.
But because the NFL doesn’t actually give a fuck about player safety¹, not a single thing will be altered about the rule to address this.
Quarterbacks are overprotected because they’re the league’s most marketable assets. Period.
Colts 16, Eagles 20
The Colts were supposed to be better with Andrew Luck back, right?
Carson Wentz returned probably a couple of weeks sooner than the team really wanted him to, showed a little rustiness, but otherwise was more than enough to power past the Colts.
And unless you had Wendell Smallwood on your fantasy team (10/50, 2 TDs), there is nothing else interesting to say about this game. Next!
Titans 9, Jaguars 6
Jacksonville followed up their big win over the Evil Empire by doing their best impression of the 2015 Jaguars. Granted, playing with Leonard Fournette, T Cam Robinson and G A.J. Cann probably hurt, but it shouldn’t have hurt “232 total yards and 12 first downs and you lost to a one-handed Marcus Mariotta” bad.
Meanwhile, for the second game in a row, the Titans played like dogshit for 90% of the game, but pulled together that 10% for the win. I’d say that’s encouraging that Mike Vrabel’s young Titans could pull together wins while not firing on even half their cylinders.
Bengals 21, Panthers 31
Christian McCaffrey finally showed he could do more than be a slot receiver wearing RB numbers, as he rushed for a career-best 184 in the Panthers’ win. Cam Newton threw for 2 TDs and ran for another two.
The NFL’s human Mendoza Line, Andy Dalton kept the Bengals in the game (352/2 TDs) as much as he kept knocking them out of it (4 INTs) He lost AJ Green to injury for the most of the stretch run, but they were down 28-14 at that point, so that’s no excuse.
And in “The Who and the What, now?” news: Bengals DE Efe Obada, the first player from the NFL’s NFL International Pathways Program to make a 53-man roster, showed he was more than a human participation trophy: with a sack, an INT and two QB pressures (one of which was a sack overturned on replay into an incompletion). Wakanda Forever, young man!
Broncos 14, Ravens 27
In a battle of the surprisingly adequate: Joe Flacco turned back the clock and became “Above Average” Joe Flacco again, going for 277 and a TD. Granted he put up those “big” numbers on a Bronco secondary missing its starting corners for most of the game: Pacman Jones was out a thigh injury and Tramaine Brock left in the first quarter with a groin injury. Flacco spent much of the day picking on rookie Isaac Yiadom (Brock’s replacement), like the despicable bully he is.
And Case Keenum continues his year-long crusade to prove Minnesota right in choosing Kirk Cousins over him.(22/34 for 192, 1 INT).
Saints 43, Falcons 37 (OT)
The Saints and Falcons went sixty minutes playing Arena Ball.
The Saints won it in OT by playing ball control old-school football.
Breesus - freshly-minted NFL all-time leader in completions - scored his second rushing TD of the game to cap off the seven-minute final drive. Throughout the game, Brees and the Saints used short passes and heavy doses of Alvin Kamara to pick apart the increasingly shorthanded Falcons defense. The Dirty Birds returned fire with Matty Ice going for 374 and 5, three of which went to rookie Calvin Ridley¹.
If the Falcons ever manage to find a consistent running game, they’ll be right back in the thick of things.
Now playing 2011 Julio Jones to Julio’s Roddy White.
Chargers 23, Rams 35
In (what the Spanos Bros desperately wish was) The Battle of Los Angeles, the outcome was as one-sided as the team attendance records. The Chargers continue their tradition of finding new and novel ways to shoot themselves in the foot - in this case, having a blocked punt recovered in the end zone. Joey Bosa’s continued absence was felt as the Rams carved up the remaining Chargers defense for 521 total yards. Jared “Remember when people thought I was a bust?¹” Goff went for 354 and 3.
Philip Rivers continues in his role as “Dan Marino, without that one shot at glory²”, going for 226 and 2. Melvin Gordon added 80 and a TD on the ground in the losing effort.
“HAHAHAHAHA! FUCK YOU, JEFF FISHER!!!”
And the records, but let’s be kind here.
Bears 16, Cardinals 14
In the latest episode of “How Stupid Did Khalil Mack Make Jon Gruden Look This Week?”, Mack racked up five solo tackles, one Tackle For Loss, two sacks, three QB hits and a forced fumble in the win over the increasingly hapless Cardinals. Mitchell “You’re one more game like this from being ‘Mitch’ again” Trubisky looked like a work in progress yet again (220 and a pick, QBR of 73.5). Not Dak Prescott “panic button” levels (more on him in a bit), but well below what they expected from him. If they’re gonna be more than Khalil Mack & The Pips, the Bears will need more from him.
With the Bills upset win, the Cardinals officially take up the mantle of “Worst Team in the League”. Sam Bradford has been so bad, I’ve started scanning Cardinal highlights for signs of Jeff Fisher on the sidelines. That they waited even this long to get Josh Rosen in the game only increases my suspicions that they were waiting for Bradford’s inevitable season-ending injury to bring Rosen in.
Cowboys 13, Seahawks 24
Fuck Jason Garrett and his clapping.
Fuck Scott Linehan and his “Joe Gibbs thinks your predictable” offense.
Fuck Dak Prescott and his “spray and pray” passing.
Fuck the entire Cowboys receiver corps.
And fuck Jerry and Stephen Jones for putting this shit show together.
That is all.
PS: I can’t bring myself to give Zeke a full “Fuck You”. But his gaffe on a sure TD run and deserve at least a “Goddammit, man!”
Patriots 10, Lions 26
Anybody else remember the last time a Dreamboat/Darth Hoodie team had any sort of losing streak? Hell, the last time this bunch even missed the playoffs, that was the Matt Cassel team.- And even then, they won 11 games that year.
I mean, it must be the luck of the draw, right? Jacksonville having their number and Detroit getting their shit together at just the right time, right? It can’t be that this is the year it all goes sideways for the Evil Empire, right? Right?
Oh and congrats to Lions rookie RB Kerryon Johnson, who gained their first 100-yd rushing game since 2013¹. Sure, he just made it over the line at 102, but milestones are milestones.
Reggie Bush vs. Green Bay, Thanksgiving 2013, in case you were wondering. A stretch of 70 games.
Steelers 30, Bucs 27
For a while, it looked like Fitzmagic was coming to its predictable crashing end (albeit a week later than everyone predicted). The Amish Rifle threw picks on three consecutive drives to close out the first half (with a fumble on the possession before that), giving Raplisberger and the “Le’veon? We don’ need no steenking Le’veon!” Steelers ample opportunities to pile up a 30-10 halftime lead.
It was looking like Fitztragic was writing the permission slip to put Rapey McCrablegs back under center for Week 4. That’s when Fitzpatrick did something I can’t recall him ever doing before: He turned things around. Coming out of the break, he flipped switch back to “Fitzmagic” and led the Bucs on three straight scoring drives, closing the gap to 30-27. They couldn’t quite get fully over the hump, with Fitz , but the comeback was impressive nonetheless.
So now we’re back to Tampa’s original conundrum: Reinstate their #1 pick and douse the Fitzmagic fire or ride Fitzpatrick’s hot hand and risk both Fitz turning back into a journeyman pumpkin on them and alienating their headcase of a franchise QB. Should be fun for us outsiders, either way.
Oh, and the Steelers are openly taking trade offers for Le’Veon Bell. Addition by subtraction or Khalil Mack: The Sequel?¹ That should be fun to watch as well!
Or possibly “Jay Ajayi: The Sequel”