Freezer's NFL Week in Review - Week 2
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This week had several recurring themes, which will be referred to by letter below:
Kicker Fail
Following up a big Week 1 with (at best) mediocrity.
“Oh, you thought we couldn’t do ____? Watch this!”
Ravens 23, Bengals 34
AJ Green had his the first three-TD game of his career, as the Bengals scored 28 first half points and coasted to a win, in a game I could otherwise give less of a shit about.
In our first listed example of Theme B, Joe Flacco followed Week 1's decimation of Buffalo with a mediocre game. He threw for more yards (376) but also threw two picks. And (yet again) the rushing attack was MIA (66 yards on 22 attempts).
At this point, if Ray Rice called, you think Ozzie would answer?
Panthers 24, Falcons 31
Checking on Theme C (in this case, the blank being “Do anything in the Red Zone”): the Dirty Birds went 4-for-4 in Red Zone opportunities - including Matty Ice rushing for a career-high two TDs, as Atlanta’s offense pummeled Carolina and their defense kept Cam Newton in check.
Granted, Damontae Kazee scoring a cheap shot on Newton that would’ve warranted an ejection in the 1970s probably helped on that score.
For the Nth time in his career, the Panthers’ offense was “Cam Newton does stuff.” He was Carolina’s leading rusher for the second week in a row (Christian McCaffrey was active and involved, but almost all via pass catching). This team is one more bad hit on Cam from being the Bills.
Chargers 31, Bills 20
Welcome to the NFL, Josh Allen!
And just remember, as much of a beating you took in this game? San Diego Los Angeles was without their best defensive player in Joey Bosa (who looks to be out until mid-October).
That and your own defense sucks. A condition not helped by CB Vontae Davis just up and quitting at halftime. Seriously: He showered, got dressed and peaced out. Think about that: This is something no one from the 76-77 Bucs, the 2008 Lions or any Brown from 2016 to now has ever done. Normally, I’m on the player’s side on this sort of thing¹. It’s your life, your body. But quitting in the middle of the game? That’s some Bad News Bears shit. That’s some “beginning of the movie, before the ragtag band of misfits assembles” shit.
And note I said “quit”, not “retired.” You retire after the game, after the season. You leave in the literal middle of the game? You quit. Fuck you and fuck your social media statement.
I eventually came around on Ricky Williams wandering away from the Saints: If you’d rather smoke weed than make millions playing football, it’s best to just make a break of it.
Vikings 29, Packers 29 (OT)
“A tie is like kissing your sister.”
...Creepy, wrong and possibly illegal?
Seriously, I have to side eye the person who first coined that phrase.¹
Anyway, a big day from Kirk Cousins (425/4/1) was pretty much wasted by the traditional Viking Kicker Fail (Theme A): Daniel Carson went 0-for-3, including one blocked and returned for a Packer TD and one miss in OT.
It should go without saying, the Vikings currently have a new kicker.
And for the second week in a row, a big name defender got hit with a bullshit Roughing The Passer (via the emphasis on “using bodyweight” edict). Last week it was Myles Garrett, this week, Clay Matthews. And just last week, it was a game changer: Here, it nullified a Green Bay interception, and the Vikings scored the tying TD on the ensuring drive. Naturally, rather than admit the refs got it wrong two weeks in a roe, the NFL has not only stated that the call was correctly made, but they’re going to use the call as a teaching tool.
That, right there, is some fine doubling down on your bullshit.
Posthumously, I assume.
Mason Crosby also missed in OT. But his was a 52-yard attempt
Browns 18, Saints 21
More Theme A, as (now-former) Browns kicker Zane Gonzalez missed two field goals and two extra points, allowing the original Whodats to escape with a three-point win.
The Browns D stymied Breesus and the Saints, limiting them to 275 total yards and forcing two turnovers.
Shame about that Browns offense, tho. We are one or two of these games away from seeing Baker Mayfield under center.
Mark Ingram can’t get back soon enough.
Dolphins 20, J-E-T-S-NOT-SO-FAST 12
Frank Gore moved past Curtis Martin for fourth on the all-time rushing list¹², as the Dolphins took advantage of a mistake-prone Jets team. (He finished with 24 yards on 9 carries, spelling starter Kenyan Drake)
Everything that Sam Darnold did right last Monday, he did wrong on Sunday: He threw for 334 and a TD, but also threw two INTs and missed several open throws. So obviously, it’s time to panic and bench him for Old Man McCown.
FYI: Gore and #10 Adrian Peterson are the only active players in the top 25.
Show of hands: Who knew either man was in the top five?
He’s at 14,112 yards, 1,157 behind #3 Barry Sanders.
Chiefs 42, Steelers 37
Patrick Mahomes is on pace to throw 80 TDs. That’s obviously not going to happen, but it’s fun to say.
But seriously Mahomes is on a tear and making the KC front office look like geniuses for choosing him over Alex Smith. He shredded the Steelers for a team-record 6 TDs¹ and out duled Ben Rapelisberger for the win.
Let’s see how Andy Reid manages to screw this one up...
Surprising Len Dawson didn’t pull that off at least once. *checks* Oh; he did. In 1964 vs. Denver.
And, once again, I note with amusement that Google Docs accepts “Rapelisberger” as a legit word.
Eagles 21, Bucs 27
Back with Theme C and Fitzmagic¹ - who followed up his big Week 1 with an even bigger Week 2. Ryan Fitzpatrick having back-to-back strong games should be frankly terrifying. Especially if your name is “Rapey McCrablegs”
Suddenly, the Bucs - universally considered the NFC South’s basement dweller - is 2-0, on top of the division, and looking every bit like the division’s strongest team. So watch ‘em torpedo everything by making the switch to Winston, once his suspension is over.
As for the Iggles: It’s probably just a coincidence that Carson Wentz has been confirmed as the Week 3 starter. Yep, all just a coinkydink.
Whose beard is in full glorious Amish Rifle mode.
Texans 17, Titan HS 20
The Titans’ new look is horrible and I hate it. Just had to get that out of my system.
After the hope Deshaun Watson gave the Texans, who’d have thought that Bill O’Brien would be the first coach on the hot seat? They got handled by the Pats in Week 1 (no shame in that). But this? They got beat by a Titans team without their two starting tackles and their top backup and were starting Blaine “Everyone Remembers I Beat Colin Kaepernick for the starting job in SF, but no one remembers I lost it right back” Gabbert at QB.
That and Watson’s game ending brain fart - wasting what little time they had left scrambling and trying to make a play, only to end up throwing a pass over the middle that would’ve done them no good even if he had thrown it immediately - does not say good things about O'Brien's skills as a “QB whisperer”..
Colts 21, Fucksnyders 9
Back to Theme B: The Redhawks came back to Earth vs. Andrew Luck & The Pips, looking more like the pile of meh I expected them to all along. Alex Smith was his usual accurate, risk-averse self, but that was hampered by drops, crap o-line play and the running game going MIA (WR Jamison Crowder was the leading rusher with 29 yards)
And, as always, Fuck Dan Snyder©
Cardinals 0, Rams 34
At this point, I can only assume the Cardinals are waiting for the excuse of Sam Bradford’s inevitable injury before bring Josh Rosen in. Right now, the Cards are neck and neck with the Bills as the NFL’s worst after two weeks. And it’s not even close. And this is an NFL where Cleveland hasn’t won a game since 2016 and they’d be favored over either of these teams.
Gonna be a long year in the desert...
Lions 27, Niners 30
Jimmy Gesus and the rest of the Niners were bailed out by a defensive holding penalty late in the fourth, one that nullified an interception return that would’ve put the Lions on the Niners’ 7, down by three with only two minutes left. The Niners managed to hang on against Detroit’s second-half surge to take the win.
The Niners are going to need some of the receivers to really step up if they want to be more than “Third Place in the NFC West.”
Matt Stafford bounced back from last week’s dud (347/3/0), but the result was largely the same.
Raiders 19, Broncos 20
Brandon McManus resisted the call of Kicker Fail, nailing a walk-off 38-yarder to complete the Bronco comeback.
Case Keenum is turning back into a pumpkin before our eyes.
Chucky Gruden continues to lie to us about the Khalil Mack trade.
That’s all you need to know about this game.
Patriots 20, Jaguars 31
Whewwww Keelan Cole pic.twitter.com/jHk17lJkoi
- Ty Wurth (@WurthDraft) September 16, 2018
‘Nuff said.
Giants 13, Cowboys 20
Theme C time again: Hearing the calls for OC Scott Linehan (and Golden Boy Garrett) to either open up the playbook or GTFC, the Cowboys opened the SNF game with a display of offensive creativity the ‘Boys haven’t displayed in years, culminating in a 64-yard bomb to Tavon Austin.
And other than more called runs for Dak Prescott, we didn’t see that kind of offensive punch again. As if Garret and Linehan decided since they could pull off more than the usual “Two Yards And A Cloud of Meh.”, they could go right back to the same ‘ol.
But because the Dallas D’ is pretty good, Dak and Zeke put in work with their legs and the Giants suck hard, this was enough for the win.
Incidentally, this caused a bit of a rift in Cowboy Nation: Half still bitching that they teased us with that first quarter display of firepower, only to go right back to the boring repetition. The other half saying “STFU and enjoy the win.”¹
And the Giants’ woes stem from one single source: The offensive line is ass². Eli Manning took a beating all night. And while Saquon Barkley constantly made the first Cowboy to hit him miss, he rarely too more than a couple of steps before three or four more Cowboys hit him. The Giants might not win four games if they don’t find some sort of answer.
I’m in the former camp, BTW.
And will get worse with the loss of C Jon Halapio, with a fractured leg and ankle.
Seahawks 17, Bears 24
I’m not sure which is the bigger takeaway to this game: That the Bears’ D has looked like the second coming of the Super Bowl Shuffle team for these first two weeks or that the Seahawks’ offense might be even worse than we thought it would be without Doug Baldwin?
Either way, Mitchell Trubisky showed some progress (74% completion rate, 2 TDs) but still some growing pains (INTs in back-to-back drives). But still, the Bears would seem to be on the come up.
ANTHONY MILLER WITH THE TD AND THE SHOOT ‼️ pic.twitter.com/BkUZYeiN4k
- Jessica Benson (@Local24Jessica) September 18, 2018
Stunt on 'em, young man!