A new world inside, where cold walls feel comfortable...
Skip this post if you don't want to read vague nonsense. The song is prety, though. More interesting stuff is in my other post from today!
Oh, that curb was yours for the moment
Alone, looking back at growing up
And the choices that led you here
The attention brings quite the excitement
But commotion will come to peace
And all you'll find left is fear
We had your back
[...]
How tough love feels, it's what you need
All these removed and reminded
Of a time when this wasn't me
And we were still the best of friends
I hope you'll be okay
[...]
A new world inside, where cold walls feel comfortable
Where straight lines don't curve
In the time you're gone, your song forgotten
Remember this: You are missed.
Well, I wondered what happened to you. I am still not sure if reaching out to you back in September was the right thing to do. I moved more of my old notebooks and journals from my house to my apartment the other day. I read through one of them and saw my confession. Heh, here I was thinking I'd been only lying to you about doing what I did because I was holding you back. Turns out I was lying to myself about something much bigger. Something I don't remember writing or admitting to myself. Guess those memories got stored in the Vault. The memories where I admitted that I loved you. More than anything, more than anyone, you were the most important factor in my life. I wrote about what I did, convincing you that it was someone else in love with you, and living vicarously through them... I think that was what hurt the most, setting it up and only being able to watch as you loved someone else in my stead. I wish I had read this before I reached out to you last year. I feel obligated to tell you, but I don't know if I can, or if that would even be a good idea.
We've been emailing for months now, chatting. At first it was awkward, at least for me. I can't imagine how it felt to you, especially after what I did to you in 2014. But you seem just as unphased as you always did, and have been friendly and kind. As if you could ever be anything else. You've always been one of the most caring people I have ever met. You have moved, but not terribly far away. You want to meet up sometime and catch up. The thought terrifies me. I miss you, more than I could ever say. F misses you, too, though I don't know if he remembers why. Turns out you can alter and remove memories, but the emotions will still resonate.
Our emailing has inspired me to keep going with the story. Working on it always hurt after we left you, but since we started messaging it has gotten easier and less painful to go back to it, to work on it and alter it from what we wrote together into something related, but more fictionalized. You said that you would like to read the story... I am afraid that if you do you won't like it, or it my resurface every issue we left unresolved. You are the only one whose opinion matters with this story. I wrote it all for you and only you back then, after all. I don't know if I could take the hit if you said you didn't like it.
I don't know why I am rambling about this so much. Four years now have passed since we abandoned you. We had our reasons, but I am not sure which reasons they were anymore. I am glad to see that you have moved on and are living a life you seem to enjoy. I was afraid that we held you back, and now I know that we did. If nothing else, some good did come out of us leaving. Should we get up the courage to see you, take you up on the notion of hanging out and catching up, I worry that it may all come crashing back down. I just want to move on, but I don't know if I ever fully will, whether or not we keep going like this. Even beyond Cloud, the Rogue, The Fighter, or any of the others, I still put you first and above them. Does anyone ever come back from that kind of loss, attachment, or decision? Is it possible to just be long-distance friends?
I really do need a shrink.
Click to viewOh, that curb was yours for the moment
Alone, looking back at growing up
And the choices that led you here
The attention brings quite the excitement
But commotion will come to peace
And all you'll find left is fear
We had your back
[...]
How tough love feels, it's what you need
All these removed and reminded
Of a time when this wasn't me
And we were still the best of friends
I hope you'll be okay
[...]
A new world inside, where cold walls feel comfortable
Where straight lines don't curve
In the time you're gone, your song forgotten
Remember this: You are missed.
Well, I wondered what happened to you. I am still not sure if reaching out to you back in September was the right thing to do. I moved more of my old notebooks and journals from my house to my apartment the other day. I read through one of them and saw my confession. Heh, here I was thinking I'd been only lying to you about doing what I did because I was holding you back. Turns out I was lying to myself about something much bigger. Something I don't remember writing or admitting to myself. Guess those memories got stored in the Vault. The memories where I admitted that I loved you. More than anything, more than anyone, you were the most important factor in my life. I wrote about what I did, convincing you that it was someone else in love with you, and living vicarously through them... I think that was what hurt the most, setting it up and only being able to watch as you loved someone else in my stead. I wish I had read this before I reached out to you last year. I feel obligated to tell you, but I don't know if I can, or if that would even be a good idea.
We've been emailing for months now, chatting. At first it was awkward, at least for me. I can't imagine how it felt to you, especially after what I did to you in 2014. But you seem just as unphased as you always did, and have been friendly and kind. As if you could ever be anything else. You've always been one of the most caring people I have ever met. You have moved, but not terribly far away. You want to meet up sometime and catch up. The thought terrifies me. I miss you, more than I could ever say. F misses you, too, though I don't know if he remembers why. Turns out you can alter and remove memories, but the emotions will still resonate.
Our emailing has inspired me to keep going with the story. Working on it always hurt after we left you, but since we started messaging it has gotten easier and less painful to go back to it, to work on it and alter it from what we wrote together into something related, but more fictionalized. You said that you would like to read the story... I am afraid that if you do you won't like it, or it my resurface every issue we left unresolved. You are the only one whose opinion matters with this story. I wrote it all for you and only you back then, after all. I don't know if I could take the hit if you said you didn't like it.
I don't know why I am rambling about this so much. Four years now have passed since we abandoned you. We had our reasons, but I am not sure which reasons they were anymore. I am glad to see that you have moved on and are living a life you seem to enjoy. I was afraid that we held you back, and now I know that we did. If nothing else, some good did come out of us leaving. Should we get up the courage to see you, take you up on the notion of hanging out and catching up, I worry that it may all come crashing back down. I just want to move on, but I don't know if I ever fully will, whether or not we keep going like this. Even beyond Cloud, the Rogue, The Fighter, or any of the others, I still put you first and above them. Does anyone ever come back from that kind of loss, attachment, or decision? Is it possible to just be long-distance friends?
I really do need a shrink.