2017: The Year that Just Won't Quit
Less than a week left. 2017 is almost over. We're so close to leaving this string of nightmares in the past. But it just had to get one last solid punch to the gut in, didn't it?
My grandfather passed away this morning at 10:30. He was 84, suffering from Alzheimer's, and had a weak heart that was growing weaker by the day. He collapsed in a hallway and they revived him once at the nursing home. His heart gave out again in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, and they were unable to revive him. It's probably a good thing my mother and I work in the same place. I got an IM from her at 11:30 telling me to come down to the main lobby, and when I got there she was already a mess. She had a couple close coworkers/friends there, and they kind of passed her off to me after a couple minutes (they were in the middle of getting ready for a retirement party for someone else... yaaaay timing.....). Once she called my father and brothers, she got herself fairly composed and we went back upstairs. We ended up leaving by 1 and going home. We won't be back until next week.
13 years ago, on Christmas Eve, we buried my grandmother. His wife. I truly believe he just got tired and wanted to be with her again.
I hate December. I wish we could skip the entire month, every year.
The funeral is scheduled for Saturday, so we are planning to go up on Friday. I am getting new tires on my car tomorrow to make the drive, since my current ones came with the car and starter tires don't usually last long past 30k miles. It's going to be a long weekend.
I have done a lot of terrible things in my life that I should regret. I have physically hurt anther beyond repair out of anger. I have destroyed a handful of lives through my words and actions. I have gone down some very dark roads over my lifetime so far. Yet, as much remorse as I feel for all that I have done, I do not regret those things. Everything I did, I did with the confidence that even though it was seen as negative, it was the right thing to do in the long run. I feel bad, but I would have felt worse letting those people carry on hurting others. No, the only thing that I truly regret in my life is growing up without a close family. My immediate family was difficult, but I always enjoyed seeing my extended family when I was very little. Unfortunately, once I became a teenager a lot of complicated drama went down with the extended family and we drifted apart. We stopped making the 4+ hour drive to see them. Up until this summer, I hadn't even seen some of my cousins in over 5 years. I haven't really seen my paternal grandparents since I was maybe 12. That was over half of my life ago. The one thing that I always wanted from life was a close family, and I truly feel that I have entirely missed that opportunity. And that is what I regret.
So here I sit, giving the middle finger to the Universe because it fully, 100%, completely deserves it after this year. And even though I feel this way, I also have, locked inside, a tiny little bit of hope mixed with a whole lot of determination for 2018 being full of good things instead.
My grandfather passed away this morning at 10:30. He was 84, suffering from Alzheimer's, and had a weak heart that was growing weaker by the day. He collapsed in a hallway and they revived him once at the nursing home. His heart gave out again in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, and they were unable to revive him. It's probably a good thing my mother and I work in the same place. I got an IM from her at 11:30 telling me to come down to the main lobby, and when I got there she was already a mess. She had a couple close coworkers/friends there, and they kind of passed her off to me after a couple minutes (they were in the middle of getting ready for a retirement party for someone else... yaaaay timing.....). Once she called my father and brothers, she got herself fairly composed and we went back upstairs. We ended up leaving by 1 and going home. We won't be back until next week.
13 years ago, on Christmas Eve, we buried my grandmother. His wife. I truly believe he just got tired and wanted to be with her again.
I hate December. I wish we could skip the entire month, every year.
The funeral is scheduled for Saturday, so we are planning to go up on Friday. I am getting new tires on my car tomorrow to make the drive, since my current ones came with the car and starter tires don't usually last long past 30k miles. It's going to be a long weekend.
I have done a lot of terrible things in my life that I should regret. I have physically hurt anther beyond repair out of anger. I have destroyed a handful of lives through my words and actions. I have gone down some very dark roads over my lifetime so far. Yet, as much remorse as I feel for all that I have done, I do not regret those things. Everything I did, I did with the confidence that even though it was seen as negative, it was the right thing to do in the long run. I feel bad, but I would have felt worse letting those people carry on hurting others. No, the only thing that I truly regret in my life is growing up without a close family. My immediate family was difficult, but I always enjoyed seeing my extended family when I was very little. Unfortunately, once I became a teenager a lot of complicated drama went down with the extended family and we drifted apart. We stopped making the 4+ hour drive to see them. Up until this summer, I hadn't even seen some of my cousins in over 5 years. I haven't really seen my paternal grandparents since I was maybe 12. That was over half of my life ago. The one thing that I always wanted from life was a close family, and I truly feel that I have entirely missed that opportunity. And that is what I regret.
So here I sit, giving the middle finger to the Universe because it fully, 100%, completely deserves it after this year. And even though I feel this way, I also have, locked inside, a tiny little bit of hope mixed with a whole lot of determination for 2018 being full of good things instead.